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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want OH to stop policing my baths/showers

358 replies

H3llohEll0 · 18/02/2021 22:34

I'll preface this by saying I have good personal hygiene, so it's not that. I shower and bath regularly.

He usually works during the night but when he's off he does this every time.

I could be in the middle of a book or doing work on the laptop and he'll say "ill run your bath now"

I never ask him to. It's a nice gesture but not always convenient.

Sometimes I just don't want one, or want to be left to my book/tv programme/work. Maybe I'll only want a quick shower later on.

If you were in the middle of something and your DH tells you when to get a bath would you find it annoying?

OP posts:
SanFranBear · 18/02/2021 23:01

This is all kinds of unpleasant and would make me really really uncomfortable. You're clearly trying to laugh this off but it's horrible - sorry OP!

Trumplosttheelection · 18/02/2021 23:02

It's very obviously about sex. He thinks if he's nice he gets sex and also after the bath comes bed when he gets sex. Its depressingly predictable.

Regularsizedrudy · 18/02/2021 23:02

Don’t. Have. Sex. With. Him. After. A. Bath. Then.

Original poster
H3llohEll0 · 18/02/2021 23:03

I presume you’ve been together and he’s been doing this for a while though-what has made you suddenly object tonight after weeks/months/years/decades of him doing it?

We've been together 4 years. He has been doing it for a good while.

What made me suddenly object tonight? I was engrossed in my book, stuffed from a takeaway, i have PMS, and was really enjoying some me-time before hopefully getting an earlier night. I couldn't be bothered to go and lay in the bath for ages.

It then clicked that it's a regular occurrence and most likely linked to him wanting sex, which I didn't fancy either.

OP posts:
harknesswitch · 18/02/2021 23:04

What happens if you say 'no thanks I'm reading my book'

katy1213 · 18/02/2021 23:05

Why is it supposed to be caring? It's hardly onerous to turn on a tap!
I'd sooner he did something useful like the washing-up!

katy1213 · 18/02/2021 23:07

I suppose you could always smile sweetly and say, 'You can go and wank now.'

Original poster
H3llohEll0 · 18/02/2021 23:08

@harknesswitch

What happens if you say 'no thanks I'm reading my book'
He'd say "oh.. ok then" then be silently disappointed that sex is unlikely - no big deal.

He'll do it again the next night though.

OP posts:
CSIblonde · 18/02/2021 23:09

Why has he assigned himself the role of your Supervisor,? That's insulting , controlling & infantilising. And creepy.

Candyfloss99 · 18/02/2021 23:09

I find it very strange that he's been running you baths for years when you don't want one and you've never said to him, no thanks I don't want a bath tonight.

Icenii · 18/02/2021 23:10

@katy1213

Why is it supposed to be caring? It's hardly onerous to turn on a tap! I'd sooner he did something useful like the washing-up!
Well it's the small things that count. Being caring doesn't mean big actions. However, in this relationship it seems running a bath is self-serving rather than caring.
silverbubbles · 18/02/2021 23:11

I thought perhaps its because he wanted to go to sleep and wanted everyone else in the house to follow suit.

Sounds like you know why he does it - I would find this very annoying.
Tell him to get lost.

thepeopleversuswork · 18/02/2021 23:12

My ex used to do this. It was as you say linked to wanting sex but with the added frisson (for him) that he came from a country where people almost never take baths, only showers.

He thought of it as exotic and decadent and a way of sort of softening me up before a shag. I went with it for a while and it wasn’t the worst part of the relationship by a long chalk but it was irritating.

Monty27 · 18/02/2021 23:13

OP I had a long term partner who would ask me if I'd had a shower when he felt amorous even if he knew I'd had one earlier
It gave me the rage and it felt like a caveat to sex. Worse than scrabbling around for contraception!
Tedious

CSIblonde · 18/02/2021 23:13

Ah, just seen you're 'he'll be disappointed that sex is unlikely' if you turn down the bath. So the supervising is so he'll get sex after a bath, because that's an DTD routine. What in earth do you see in someone who chivvys you into a bath so sex will be on the menu. It's your decision, not his. And he doesn't get to supervise .

TwelvePaws · 18/02/2021 23:13

That would make a partner very unattractive to me. It’s quite creepy.

Cherrysoup · 18/02/2021 23:14

I really think you need to tell him to stop doing this. It would drive me nuts. If I want a bath, I’ll decide, I’m not a child. It certainly sounds like this is his precursor to sex.

Howshouldibehave · 18/02/2021 23:15

The more you post, the more he sounds like a sex-pest. I think I would find living with someone like this weird and a bit horrid. Poor you :(

rawalpindithelabrador · 18/02/2021 23:16

You need to talk to him. 'Really don't appreciate the shower and bath thing to get sex. It turns me off. I'm an adult and I know how to keep myself clean.'

But then, someone who pestered every night wouldn't be with me anymore.

LizzieMacQueen · 18/02/2021 23:16

It's what you say to your infant children not someone who's your equal !
Yep, as PP said, it's creepy; with shades of S&M.

LizzieMacQueen · 18/02/2021 23:17

Hide the plug tomorrow.

MrsBrunch · 18/02/2021 23:18

You need to break the bath/sex routine. Have a bath or shower every evening but decline sex if you don't feel like it.

CalishataFolkart · 18/02/2021 23:20

This isn’t a criticism of you OP more an observation. I still find it incredible that we can be physically intimate with another person yet unable to talk about it. I’ve done it myself, using coded language to a partner in bed (“are you tired?”) rather than initiating sex. This couple have got to the point where foreplay is assumed on his part to be - I run you a bath/suggest you have a shower = we have sex. It’s so convoluted that OP has only just made the connection. As she turned down the bath/shower he has gone to bed alone.

I’m not suggesting it should be as blunt as “I would like to have sex with you now, do you want to do that too?” but it might not be a bad thing if we got closer to that.

We discuss other couply activities - takeaway or cooked meal? TV or Film? Why not board game or shagging?

(I know there are loads of couples happily jumping each other who don’t have these hang ups. It’s just my experience in real life and on here that plenty simply cannot discuss it).

TheGoodEnoughWife · 18/02/2021 23:21

I appreciate sometimes things just evolve and it can take a bit of an a-ha moment to realise that what is everyday life for you is a little strange.

This is definitely strange. I would hate my dh doing this but he wouldn't do it in a million years!

I would find it, if his reasons are sex related, deeply unattractive.

I initially thought he wants to do something while you are out of the way but you think not which is fair enough obviously.

I would be telling him it has to stop. It is weird and you don't need sending away for a bath or shower. Maybe he thinks he is being subtle but he needs telling he is not!

Gemma2019 · 18/02/2021 23:23

I guess it's the sex thing then - I was thinking he must want you out of the way for half an hour at specific times for some reason, especially as he tried to get you to shower today when you didn't want a bath.