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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want OH to stop policing my baths/showers

358 replies

H3llohEll0 · 18/02/2021 22:34

I'll preface this by saying I have good personal hygiene, so it's not that. I shower and bath regularly.

He usually works during the night but when he's off he does this every time.

I could be in the middle of a book or doing work on the laptop and he'll say "ill run your bath now"

I never ask him to. It's a nice gesture but not always convenient.

Sometimes I just don't want one, or want to be left to my book/tv programme/work. Maybe I'll only want a quick shower later on.

If you were in the middle of something and your DH tells you when to get a bath would you find it annoying?

OP posts:
Twixmas · 19/02/2021 00:32

You're not a five year old. You can run your own baths at a time of your choosing. Its insidiously controlling.

MiddlesexGirl · 19/02/2021 00:37

I wouldn't want anyone running my bath for me, regardless of whether it was a precursor for sex or not. Just seems insanely 'look at me, aren't I considerate' when it would be much more convenient to do it myself.

CattyCactus · 19/02/2021 00:47

"you can go and have your shower now"
Sounds like something my Mum used to say.

Combined with groping, and climbing the walls after a few days with no sex.

Gosh, what a catch. 🤨

duffmcstockings · 19/02/2021 00:51

It reads like some kind of manual from the 70's after your wife has washed up and put the children to bed, show your appreciation by running her a bath .

Iflyaway · 19/02/2021 00:51

he gropes me throughout the day

Utterly grim. That would be a big turn-off to me.

PurpleRainDancer · 19/02/2021 00:52

LTB

Iflyaway · 19/02/2021 00:54

in the evening you prefer to read independently or work on your laptop instead of doing things like watching TV together? Sounds like the relationship has run its course.

Don't be ridiculous. People are autonomous beings. Not everyone is joined at the hip in a relationship.

I personally would find that suffocating.

partyatthepalace · 19/02/2021 00:55

Bellabelloo
Does he think he's treating you?
I think it's 30/70

30% doing something nice
70% ensuring he gets his leg over

Grin

I mean it’s deffo annoying and you have to tell him to jog on. But it IS cute and funny.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/02/2021 00:57

I've had to be very direct with him in the past because he's insatiable, he would happily have sex multiple times a day and that isn't for me. We do have it every other day but occasionally a couple of days will go by and by then he's practically climbing the walls.

Fucking hell, this man is gross. A proper sex pest. He gropes you throughout the day? Why are you putting up with this? You're not a blow-up doll, ffs. He is immature, creepy, and manipulative. What a catch.

LegendDairy · 19/02/2021 01:05

Go have a bath and then don't have sex with him.

HistoriaTrixie · 19/02/2021 01:11

@LegendDairy

Go have a bath and then don't have sex with him.
I was just going to say this. Once you've taken the bath but declined the sex a few times in a row he might stop trying to herd you into having sex like a demented collie.
WaltzingTilda · 19/02/2021 01:14

That would annoy me too. Are you certain he isn't chatting to/texting someone else (or getting upto some other mischief) whilst you are in the bath?

TatianaBis · 19/02/2021 01:16

Why do women put up with gropers? Is it that they think all men are like this?

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/02/2021 01:22

I’ll run your bath now

you can go and have your shower now

He really thinks he’s in charge, doesn’t he? This along with the groping is creepy. I’d not be with him. That would be such a turn off. He sounds like a sex pest and I would be wondering if he respects you, your boundaries or your past trauma. Do you even like being groped? I would hate it.

I would be instigating a no groping policy and after the shower comment, I’d be saying “you can have your wank now” every night until I felt I wanted sex. I mean imagine having to do that anyway, sorry but that makes me feel pretty sick. Boundaries.

Providora · 19/02/2021 01:25

You two really need to learn how to communicate better.

He's annoying you with all these hints about wanting sex because he won't talk to you about it.

You're stewing because you don't like what he's doing but you won't talk to him about it.

BluePeterVag · 19/02/2021 01:34

Also forming a hypothesis about why his relationship with the mother of his children ended. A gropey sex pest is a huge turn off. Just tell him
you’d rather he went for a wank, as you’re reading and not in the mood.

CatAndHisKit · 19/02/2021 02:09

he might stop trying to herd you into having sex like a demented collie.

such a spot-on comparison! Grin ...but really Angry

RantyAnty · 19/02/2021 02:30

He sounds exhausting.

There are medications that will calm his excessive sexpest drive right down.

BobbidyBob · 19/02/2021 02:44

I’d never come across so many people that can’t communicate effectively before I joined MN.

In my relationship, we’d sit down and have a discussion about this - I’d explain how I felt and how it seemed to me like it was about sex rather than the bath, about how even if that’s not the intention it makes me feel uncomfortable etc. I’d expect the outcome of this to be DH not telling me when to bath again in future, and if he did I’d tell him we already discussed it and to stop. If he persevered after that then it’s a real problem. I wouldn’t be trying to “break associations” or doing the mental equivalent of whacking his nose with a rolled-up newspaper. He’s a human, not a dog, and an open conversation until the situation is resolved is surely more appropriate.

DianaT1969 · 19/02/2021 02:54

Why don't you buy him a good quality blow up sex doll and pop her in the bath before he gets home each night?

everythingbackbutyou · 19/02/2021 03:32

My exh was a groper. By the end, I would be hurrying if I was getting changed or something before he noticed and started grabbing my boobs.. I was routinely made to feel like something was very wrong with me for not initiating sex and at least once he idly wondered aloud whether I was asexual. Vomit.

gutful · 19/02/2021 04:34

Yep, sex pest.

Sex pests all seem to have the same mentality that all women are the same & follow the same boring tactic to "get" sex from you

Go in for grope // Make lame attempt at being chivalrous by offering to run you a bath = GET SEX

It's so transparent & pathetic.

I advise as others have - just stop having sex with him after a bath or shower & watch how the offers to run you a bath dry up.

Someone else mentioned telling him what a turn off it is being told to have a bath or a shower which is OK too.

The groping - the only way to try to get it to stop is to get seriously upset/angry & demand he stop. You're not his to grope - but the difficulty with sex pests is that they actually DO think you are theirs for the groping.

Cue his excuses which will be like "but you turn me on so much I can't help it!"

Or "but... you're my wife!"

Sex pests are always mysogynistic (and often see themselves as chivalrous too)

DailyCandy · 19/02/2021 05:09

Sounds like something that someone who keeps a woman in the basement would do. "Now we do the bath ritual... then i have sex with her"
Fucking weird.

shamalidacdak · 19/02/2021 05:40

Bloody hell. What a pest. Put Bromide in his tea Wink

bringwineplease · 19/02/2021 05:53

@CalishataFolkart

My DP has taken to trying it your way- "just be open and talk about it".

He taken to saying "Can we have sex this weekend?" It annoys me on so many levels. Firstly because I feel I've got to commit then and there to being in the mood at the weekend no matter what ("but you saaaaaid") and secondly because it feels so scheduled . I've taken to replying with "ok I'll just mark it on the calendar then shall I?" Hmm

Sometimes being a bit more subtle is the way to go. I agree OP partner is NOT being subtle though!

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