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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want OH to stop policing my baths/showers

358 replies

H3llohEll0 · 18/02/2021 22:34

I'll preface this by saying I have good personal hygiene, so it's not that. I shower and bath regularly.

He usually works during the night but when he's off he does this every time.

I could be in the middle of a book or doing work on the laptop and he'll say "ill run your bath now"

I never ask him to. It's a nice gesture but not always convenient.

Sometimes I just don't want one, or want to be left to my book/tv programme/work. Maybe I'll only want a quick shower later on.

If you were in the middle of something and your DH tells you when to get a bath would you find it annoying?

OP posts:
rawalpindithelabrador · 19/02/2021 18:29

Not married to him, no kids with him, sex pest sulker. She's already stated that when she brings up the groping he sulks, sometimes for days.

Catmaiden · 19/02/2021 18:39

The level of victim blaming and handmaidening on this thread is appalling.

A smack on the bum or a squeeze is NOT "normal couple behaviour" , when it's unwelcome and the perpetrator is a sex pest who sulks if he doesn't get his own way, fgs.

TheWernethWife · 19/02/2021 18:39

Does he follow you around panting and groping when his children are with you, if he does then that's gross, if not, he can control himself

OP, apologies if you've already answered but this behaviour definitely needs addressing.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 19/02/2021 18:47

@Catmaiden

The level of victim blaming and handmaidening on this thread is appalling.

A smack on the bum or a squeeze is NOT "normal couple behaviour" , when it's unwelcome and the perpetrator is a sex pest who sulks if he doesn't get his own way, fgs.

To be fair, most posters are seeing it for what it is, and I'm not convinced all of those other ones are maidens....
RepulsedofRedbridge · 19/02/2021 18:50

Umm a smack on the bum is perfectly normal couple behaviour actually I have seen plenty of threads on here to know this fucking hell obviously if it's not welcome it's an issue but if the person. Is never told its not welcome well....

picklemewalnuts · 19/02/2021 18:54

This is a really sad thread.

AnotherEmma · 19/02/2021 18:57

Based on the whole picture (including the extra information in today's posts), he sounds abusive. I advise you to read "why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft, get some real life support and do the Freedom Programme.

Eckhart · 19/02/2021 19:00

@Catmaiden

The level of victim blaming and handmaidening on this thread is appalling.

A smack on the bum or a squeeze is NOT "normal couple behaviour" , when it's unwelcome and the perpetrator is a sex pest who sulks if he doesn't get his own way, fgs.

It's normal for many couples, and OP doesn't seem to have made it clear to him when it's not welcome.

Don't get me wrong, I think his behaviour is appalling because he should be able to see that the sulking would be coercive, and have OP doing things she doesn't want to just to avoid it, but I can see how people might think that if he regularly does his form of 'flirting' with her, and she seems to like it and they end up having sex, which she enjoys, it might be hard for him to know sometimes if she's not in the mood.

Absolutelunacy · 19/02/2021 19:01

Same here. I used to rush getting changed too, or avoid showering until he was out of the house. He used to pull my pjs down no matter where I was in the house or if the kids were there “as a joke” can’t believe I put up with his crap for so long

museumsandgalleries666 · 19/02/2021 19:24

He's not 'polucing' your showers, he's preparing you for his pleasure 😁

Monr0e · 19/02/2021 19:47

He's a stonewalling abusive sex pest OP.

You mention his other dc's, how many does he have? I hope you're not picking up the bulk of the parenting and cooking and cleaning for them all.

billy1966 · 19/02/2021 20:17

@Monr0e

He's a stonewalling abusive sex pest OP.

You mention his other dc's, how many does he have? I hope you're not picking up the bulk of the parenting and cooking and cleaning for them all.

Of course she is...

They get dumped by the wife who is thrilled beyond word to see the back of them.

They then go on safari...AKA the "hunt" for their next victim...

A childminder for their kids, 'cos they have zero interest in minding their children.

They have high sex drives and definitely require a new receptacle for their organ🙄as they have a "high sex drive".

She will need to be a good bit younger, low self esteem, susceptible to love bombing...vulnerable...low relationship bar...you name it..

Bingo...

Childminder so he can avoid his children

Sex...on tap...so he can maul her and be a sex pest...

Preferably she will work and pay at least 50% of costs.

Obviously he will love bomb her enough to have her so enmeshed that his needs are all being met and she...the poor mare doesn't know what has hit her🙄🙄🙄

Mrsmummy90 · 19/02/2021 20:18

He sounds really controlling. Put your foot down that it stops.

Annabell80 · 19/02/2021 20:20

My husband always runs me a bath on Saturday after work but he does ask me first. He doesn't just tell me I have to have a bath. I'd be annoyed and paranoid if he did.

user141635812632 · 19/02/2021 20:26

So you walk on eggshells and don't feel able to say no because of his reaction if you do.

There is a word for his behaviour.

ElizaLaLa · 19/02/2021 20:50

@AlrightTreacle

Kinda reminds me of Offreds monthly baths before the ceremony in 'The Handmaids Tale' Envy (not envy).

Saying "I'll run your bath now" unsolicited is creepy.

This.
LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 19/02/2021 21:01

Oh my goodness this is an awful situation to be in. I can't believe your partner thinks it's ok to grope you, let alone it being a signal it's on..

Telling you to go and have your shower 🤬 so he can get his leg over after. Total sex pest. Start calling him Tom Jones.

Also not sure if this has been mentioned but does he have some sort of clean fetish?

SoulofanAggron · 19/02/2021 21:03

Saying "I'll run your bath now" unsolicited is creepy.

Brrr. 'It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.'

VenusTiger · 19/02/2021 21:04

I think it was a mistake to link baths (shaving etc.) with wanting sex OP, but that aside, he needs it explaining to him as he is being manipulative - he is assuming you WILL be having sex every night and so TELLS you that you'll be having a bath - he doesn't even hide the fact by casually asking. Outrageous.
Whatever happened to spontaneity.
I went out with someone in my late teens who would tell me which day we 'could have sex' Hmm luckily I can laugh about it now.

CalishataFolkart · 19/02/2021 21:18

@RepulsedofRedbridge

Umm a smack on the bum is perfectly normal couple behaviour actually I have seen plenty of threads on here to know this fucking hell obviously if it's not welcome it's an issue but if the person. Is never told its not welcome well....
OP said this: The reason I don't address the groping is because he'll act all offended. I realise that's his problem and not mine but I just cannot be doing with him moping about like he has been told off. When he goes into a sulk because he's embarrassed or offended it can last for days and makes for an unpleasant atmosphere in the house.

She HAS told him it’s not welcome. He has reacted in the past by sulking and causing an atmosphere for days. She no longer tells him BECAUSE of his reaction.

Jolie12345 · 19/02/2021 21:49

Do you know what he’s doing when you’re in the bath? Could he be trying to get out out of the way for some reason?

MrsArtyPants · 20/02/2021 10:12

Hope you are OK OP, I know it must be a lot to digest.

My ex behaved the same way, though even the duration of my baths were monitored (40mins on the dot) and he'd come in half way through to check on me/observe me, feigning bladder trouble (despite being able to sit through hours of video games/TV without such desperation). I don't want to alarm you but please be cautious, these things rarely get better and the red flags are there plain to see.

When I didn't give in to my ex in the day he was assaulting me in my sleep, by that point I was so used to him imposing himself on my body that I didn't know what to do and had a very hard time realising it wasn't my fault, nearly a decade after I got out and I still blame myself. Sometimes I had vague memories of the night but they felt like nightmares and he would pretend nothing had gone on, it wasn't until I fell unexpectedly pregnant with my second child that I realised I wasn't imagining anything.

I had nowhere to go, two young children to care for and no money to leave due to his repeat dwindling of the pot. He refused to leave, I was afraid the police wouldn't take him away as he had nowhere else to go and was on the tenancy, I had no proof of his sexual assaults but my word against his. I was so ashamed I hid my unhappiness from everyone outside and acted on social media that we were a perfectly normal family. If it wasn't for my friend offering to take in me and my children I could well still be stuck there, he wore down all my self esteem, I resigned myself to being trapped by him for the rest of my life and regularly wished for death. So much so I told my midwives to put DNR on my files.

Leave if you can, I know my case is extreme but it started with policing my baths, policing my clothes and makeup, sulking and stonewalling if I resisted his advances. Even when I'd tell him flat out not to touch me he'd look like he'd been scalded, tears in his eyes apologise, plead and beg for a "makeup" cuddle and then squeeze tightly to force my breasts up against him. 🤮

SoulofanAggron · 20/02/2021 10:38

So sorry that happened to you @MrsArtyPants xxx So glad you're free. xx

wewereliars · 20/02/2021 11:07

MrsArtyPants Flowers so glad you got away

MrsArtyPants · 20/02/2021 11:12

@SoulofanAggron

So sorry that happened to you *@MrsArtyPants* xxx So glad you're free. xx
Thank you, I am extremely glad to be away from him. He still had an emotional hold over me until two years ago when I finally sought outside help and got the support I needed to get my children away from him too. Now, very typically he's in his 30s, dating a girl who's barely 20. Undoubtedly doing the exact same thing to her. I wanted to reach out to her, to warn her but it would only play into his victim tale and tighten his grip no doubt. He'd said the same of his exes to me.

If anyone is ever in a relationship where they fear the reprocussions of saying "no" to their partner when it pertains to their own body, no matter if its sulking, stonewalling, guilt tripping, insults or insulting in jest. Its already an abusive relationship. You should always be able to set boundaries and have them respected without fear. If they can't respect your boundaries, they don't respect you and believe me, they will keep pushing that line further and further once they realise they've got you frightened to stand up for yourself.

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