To want OH to stop policing my baths/showers

[H3llohEll0]

I'll preface this by saying I have good personal hygiene, so it's not that. I shower and bath regularly.

He usually works during the night but when he's off he does this every time.

I could be in the middle of a book or doing work on the laptop and he'll say "ill run your bath now"

I never ask him to. It's a nice gesture but not always convenient.

Sometimes I just don't want one, or want to be left to my book/tv programme/work. Maybe I'll only want a quick shower later on.

If you were in the middle of something and your DH tells you when to get a bath would you find it annoying?

@Iwonder08

Well, nobody but OP knows how this 'constant groping' and discrepancies in sex drive really feel. If he is indeed immature sex obsessed fragile egoed older man who forces her into 'sexy maid audition' then why the hell is OP still with the chap?

Because loads of people are in shit relationships. Or has this never happened to you?

Secret camera in the bathroom?

To chat to his mistress?

Is he filming you?

I would also tell my husband to piss off.

Well, nobody but OP knows how this 'constant groping' and discrepancies in sex drive really feel. If he is indeed immature sex obsessed fragile egoed older man who forces her into 'sexy maid audition' then why the hell is OP still with the chap?

@Iwonder08 OP has pretty much told us how she feels.

If he is indeed immature sex obsessed fragile egoed older man who forces her into 'sexy maid audition' then why the hell is OP still with the chap?

That's a bit like saying the old classic 'why doesn't she leave?' It's like saying 'I would never let that happen to me.'

There are a lot of reasons why women end up in abusive relationships, and it can be difficult to get out for all sorts of reasons.

In theory, it could happen to any one of us, though we might help that we would see the red flags, or have the boundaries Ekhart mentions. A lot of us only (hopefully!) develop this sufficiently to avoid, if we've been through it before.

His grabbing is sexually abusive, so is his coercion and the numerous ways he manipulates.

@Iwonder08

Well, nobody but OP knows how this 'constant groping' and discrepancies in sex drive really feel. If he is indeed immature sex obsessed fragile egoed older man who forces her into 'sexy maid audition' then why the hell is OP still with the chap?

OP has volunteered that she has low self esteem. Low self esteem leaves many people in unhealthy relationships.

'Why the hell is OP with him?' isn't helpful.

I do this to my dc. It’s a polite way of saying they’re a bit whiffy and need to sort it out but you’ve said it isn’t that so no, I don’t think I would like it either.

I've read this many many times 'the rest of the relationship is fine' 🤦‍♀️ It's not, no I don't think any are anywhere near perfect, and there will always be good and bad parts, but it depends what the bad parts are. Sex is a big subject equally important to both men and women, but there have been plenty of posts about men in particular being like this. The bath issue, groping, sulking, I had sulking it went on over many years, then when I was pregnant had it on New Years Eve I was due in the January, I just thought and knew, this is not going to go well, then when the baby came along and I had to suffer sulking and a lot of other abuse, you know it is not right.
I'm sorry but I would give my right arm to go back to 27, you are young and have your life ahead of you, please don't waste it with this man.

I, too, suspect he wants you out of the way for something like watching a bit of porn. That seems to fit with the expectation of sex afterwards.

You need to be open with him or you're just going to get more and more turned off by his behaviour.

OP came here to tell us her DH runs her a bath when she doesn't want a bath. She believes it is his way to indicate sex and she doesn't want sex that particular evening. There is nothing in her post to indicate he forces her to have sex. Nothing that says he is abusive to her apart from mention 'groping'. Everyone is telling her he is manipulative sex pest and she is in abusive relationship and should LTB.
Based on only what OP said and not multiple posters reading between the lines.. OP had previous sex trauma and has low self esteem that prevents her from talking to her husband and most probably the root cause of why she feels so annoyed at his somehow clumsy attempts to get her in the mood. A woman should Never have sex when she doesn't want to, however it is insane to accuse the guy of all these crimes based on him running a bath or occasionally touching her bottom.

@Iwonder08

Have you missed the bit where OP gives in to what he wants rather than doing what she wants, because otherwise she faces repercussions?

Do you think that there being repercussions from saying no to sex is what happens in a healthy relationship?

I think the way he responds when she tries to discuss the issue with him, in a grown-up way, will tell her everything she needs to know.

Is there a way of reframing this and he knows to not instigate unless you yourself have ran yourself a bath?

What if she just wants a bath and not sex?

There is nothing in her post to indicate he forces her to have sex.

Sulking is a form of coercion. He has taken away her right to say no.

OK, ladies, what do you suggest she should do? Posters say she obviously can't talk to him due to low self esteem. Everyone agrees she shouldn't have sex with him when she doesn't want to. Should she leave her marriage? Surely even everything is true and he is a sex pest manipulative bastard she would have to tell him why she is leaving?

If that was the case I'd be replying "I know you think that me having a bath means sex but it doesn't tonight as I don't feel like it!"

@Iwonder08

OK, ladies, what do you suggest she should do? Posters say she obviously can't talk to him due to low self esteem. Everyone agrees she shouldn't have sex with him when she doesn't want to. Should she leave her marriage? Surely even everything is true and he is a sex pest manipulative bastard she would have to tell him why she is leaving?

Sort out the self esteem. Everything else will follow.

'Ladies'?

This thread has made me feel seriously queasy.

No one should have to explain why they don't want a bath or don't want sex.

His behaviour is creepy and underhand. And weird.

occasionally touching her bottom.

@Iwonder08 That's sexual assault, or at the very least just nasty. He can get the fuck off. And the rest of his behaviour in various ways is manipulative/coercive.

OK, ladies, what do you suggest she should do? Posters say she obviously can't talk to him due to low self esteem.

She could bite the bullet and do it somehow, after therapy if need be. His reaction would tell her everything she needs to know- even if he apologizes and then goes back to one manipulative tactic or another at a later date.

Should she leave her marriage?

I think so, after blocking a sex pest last year. Women shouuldn't have to live this way.

Surely even everything is true and he is a sex pest manipulative bastard she would have to tell him why she is leaving?

She doesn't owe him an explanation, but she could give him one if she wants- maybe after she's left, to avoid any repercussions.

@Iwonder08 I don't think they're married, thank goodness.

occasionally touching her bottom.

@Iwonder08 That's sexual assault, or at the very least just nasty. He can get the fuck off. And the rest of his behaviour in various ways is manipulative/coercive.

It is considered a sexual assault if it is not welcomed. It is not clear for me OP indicated to her husband that she doesn't like it.

@Iwonder08

OK, ladies, what do you suggest she should do? Posters say she obviously can't talk to him due to low self esteem. Everyone agrees she shouldn't have sex with him when she doesn't want to. Should she leave her marriage? Surely even everything is true and he is a sex pest manipulative bastard she would have to tell him why she is leaving?

She would not have to tell him anything except that she was leaving. And she should leave because he is a controlling sex pest who neither loves nor respects her.

@Iwonder08

OK, ladies, what do you suggest she should do? Posters say she obviously can't talk to him due to low self esteem. Everyone agrees she shouldn't have sex with him when she doesn't want to. Should she leave her marriage? Surely even everything is true and he is a sex pest manipulative bastard she would have to tell him why she is leaving?

No you don't have to tell anyone why you are leaving you can just leave.

She should definitely leave him
He reacts to her asking him not to sexually assault her by sulking.

Thanks be to fxxk she isn't married.

He's a creep.

Wife ditched him...happily.

He's in his 30's...desperately needs another poor woman with self esteem issues.

Bingo OP, 27 and he strikes gold.

He needs a young childminder/girlfriend to harass for sex, OP moves in.

Poor OP possibly was love bombed.

Now she's finding him to be a sulking, harassing sex pest.

Thank god she's not married and doesn't have children.

She can get away from this creep.

This does not have to be her future.

Older man???? 7 or 8 years age difference when she is a fully grown woman does not constitute an older man taking advantage of a young girl moulding her into what he wants think everyone needs to calm down. If he touches you op without your consent and does not stop when u tell him maybe he is a sex pest but if its just normal couple behaviour like a smack on the bum or a squeeze it's not really sex pest behaviour if u don't like it you have to tell him.

@Iwonder08

You've managed to minimise OP's literal words: "he gropes me throughout the day which is him letting me know he's in the mood." by describing them as "occasionally touching her bottom."

Can you really not see how problematic that is?