Page 11 | To want OH to stop policing my baths/showers

H3llohEll0 · 2021-02-18T22:34:33+00:00

I'll preface this by saying I have good personal hygiene, so it's not that. I shower and bath regularly. He usually works during the night but when he's off he does this every time. I could be in the middle of a book or doing work on the laptop and he'll say "ill run your bath now" I never ask him to. It's a nice gesture but not always convenient. Sometimes I just don't want one, or want to be left to my book/tv programme/work. Maybe I'll only want a quick shower later on. If you were in the middle of something and your DH tells you ^when^ to get a bath would you find it annoying?

Devlesko · 19/02/2021 11:23

Don't partners communicate anymore?
I'm not surprised there are so many divorces.

pictish · 19/02/2021 11:23

@RepulsedofRedbridge

So out of interest then are men allowed to try and get their wives in the mood somehow? What is acceptable behaviour? Are women allowed to try and get their partners in the mood or is that being creepy sex pest as well? How are you supposed to initiate sex if you want it are we no longer allowed to try seduction genuine question

Well perhaps a chap might consider not groping at his partner’s body throughout the day like she’s a sexual fiddle toy for a horny boy to play with.

There’s being direct (fancy a fuck?) and there’s spontaneously putting your hands on another person’s fanny because you feel like it, even if they don’t.

Original poster

H3llohEll0 · 19/02/2021 11:31

I'm reading all of the replies, thank you. I'll be back later on to respond in more detail as I'm rushing around a bit today as his children are coming soon.

You say there's a part of you that feels inadequate/boring. Is there another part that sits inside you, feeling a bit pissed off, saying things like 'But surely it's up to me how often I want to have sex. I shouldn't have to do it when I don't feel like it, just because he wants to!'

Yes absolutely. I'm in constant conflict with myself.

OP posts:

FuckyouCovid21 · 19/02/2021 11:36

@H3llohEll0 you might have missed this earlier but is he considerate to you during sex or is he all about himself?

WaxOnFeckOff · 19/02/2021 11:48

I've only read OP's posts so apologies if this has been mentioned but is it likely he also just wants you out of the way for a while so he can do something he doesn't want you to know about? A bit of porn and a wank perhaps??

Get you away in the bath and he has freedom of knowing you'll be there for a while and he'll probably be able to hear you getting out as well so has advance warning.

Original poster

H3llohEll0 · 19/02/2021 11:53

[quote FuckyouCovid21]@H3llohEll0 you might have missed this earlier but is he considerate to you during sex or is he all about himself?[/quote]
He's quite considerate if you are referring to wanting to give me pleasure. He likes to make sure I finish, but I believe that's more about his ego than anything else.

OP posts:

Original poster

H3llohEll0 · 19/02/2021 11:54

@WaxOnFeckOff

I've only read OP's posts so apologies if this has been mentioned but is it likely he also just wants you out of the way for a while so he can do something he doesn't want you to know about? A bit of porn and a wank perhaps??

Get you away in the bath and he has freedom of knowing you'll be there for a while and he'll probably be able to hear you getting out as well so has advance warning.

I hadn't thought of that to be honest

OP posts:

MrsBrunch · 19/02/2021 11:55

Also I'm slightly unclear why everyone thinks he's a disgusting sex pest?

Because he sulks for days if she declines.

You said yourself 'there's nothing wrong with her not wanting to or not liking it' but her husband disagrees with you. He thinks he is entitled to punish her for not wanting to.

That's the definition of a sex pest.

RandomMess · 19/02/2021 11:57

@WaxOnFeckOff

I initially thought that too then got distracted by the fact he is a sulky man child sex pest.

JohnMiddleNameRedactedSwanson · 19/02/2021 11:57

Double up on your contraception while you evaluate the situation. I guarantee that this will have been a factor in the breakdown of his marriage.

WaxOnFeckOff · 19/02/2021 11:59

I hadn't thought of that to be honest

Next time he says it, laughingly reply "do you just want me out your way?" and watch his face. Just my tuppence worth.

YoniAndGuy · 19/02/2021 12:06

I'm rushing around a bit today as his children are coming soon.

And is he rushing around too? If not why not? Indeed, why isn't he doing all the rushing?

Or is this another area of life in which you are simply a useful piece of machinery?

theliverpoolone · 19/02/2021 12:07

YANBU. Threads like this make me so relieved to be single.

Eckhart · 19/02/2021 12:15

@WaxOnFeckOff

I hadn't thought of that to be honest

Next time he says it, laughingly reply "do you just want me out your way?" and watch his face. Just my tuppence worth.

Why the hinting and the passive aggression? Why is she having to fake a laugh to ask this question?

Why not just directly ask him the reason for his insistence on bath time to his schedule?

Adding little giggles in doesn't aid clear, adult communication. If you want to know why someone's doing something, you need to ask them, and they need to tell you. Anything else, like 'watching his face' is much more open to misinterpretation.

Noidea23 · 19/02/2021 12:16

So his clumsy sex hints have given you a personal hygiene complex? I think you should sidle up to him one evening and whisper in his ear “I’ve put toothpaste on your toothbrush and the wax is warming for your epilation” and see how he likes it!

WaxOnFeckOff · 19/02/2021 12:22

"Why the hinting and the passive aggression? Why is she having to fake a laugh to ask this question?

Why not just directly ask him the reason for his insistence on bath time to his schedule?

Adding little giggles in doesn't aid clear, adult communication. If you want to know why someone's doing something, you need to ask them, and they need to tell you. Anything else, like 'watching his face' is much more open to misinterpretation.*

Because I'd rather know without him thinking I know.

Then I'd use that to then have a conversation. I think listening to what he says is probably more open to misinterpretation personally, but it depends what type of people we are.

SoulofanAggron · 19/02/2021 12:28

For giving her a little squeeze here and there in the day? There's nothing wrong with that in the same way there's nothing wrong with her not wanting to or not liking it. The issue is when sex drives are mismatched or one person is 'forcing' another into it.

@LilMidge01 I thought you were going to end your post with some sarcasm at first.

If he's grabbing OP when she doesn't want it then he is forcing her into that and doing it without her consent.

With the bath thing he's trying to manipulate/force her into sex when she doesn't want it. Even saying 'you can have your shower now' when she's already said she doesn't want a bath- presenting her with a fait accompli.

Then he throws a strop when she says she doesn't want to be pestered as much- another way to manipulate/coerce her into having sex she doesn't want.

lottiegarbanzo · 19/02/2021 12:45

Yuck, the groping, the demands, the manipulation.

Sulking is deliberately manipulative, bullying behaviour. That's what it is and all it is.

There is a distinction between someone who hasn't got their own way and is sulking and someone who is upset and has withdrawn. One of them is trying to create a bad atmosphere to punish and manipulate the other person. The other is trying to stay out of the way until they feel better. The sulker will never want to discuss what upset them and how it could be dealt with differently in future (because they want to be upset, it's a tool of their control). The upset person will want to do this (though may find it difficult, if it's a very personal issue, or difficult to articulate) and will respond well to patience and sympathy.

If you want to stay with him, you need to try having a 'cards on the table' conversation about your mis-matched sex drives and what does and doesn't get you in the mood. Someone who cares about you and your wishes and feelings would have that discussion. Someone only interested in their own wishes and feelings would get annoyed, exasperated and angry.

I suspect he'll try to play the 'needs versus preferences' card, to make the claim that his desire for sex outweighs your wish not to have it sometimes (after all, you do want it at other times and seem willing enough to go along with it when you claim you don't - rapist's logic).

You need to be really clear in your own mind that no-one has a right to sex. No-one's sexual 'needs' create a reciprocal obligation to meet those needs, in another person. Sex is all about desire, on both sides. Offers of sex should always be met with enthusiatic consent, before anything happens. Remember, you are not a service animal, there to service his sexual needs. You are a person, with her own desires to have and not have sex. He offers, you can accept or decline (and vice versa). He is not in a position to demand or expect a sexual service.

If that means you're too mismatched for he relationship to survive, well, there it is.

Eckhart · 19/02/2021 12:50

Because I'd rather know without him thinking I know

Games. I can understand this attitude regarding things like telling work you're looking for another job, or trying to get a refund on something you probably ought not to. But this is an intimate relationship. So they're supposed to intimately relate to each other.

I want to know, but I don't want him to know I know because if he knows I know, he'll know I know he knows I know etc etc is just a waste of time. If you can't ask someone that you have sex with a direct question about why they run you a bath, and you're uncomfortable with it, you shouldn't be having sex with them. The relationship simply isn't intimate. It's not even honest.

mootymoo · 19/02/2021 12:54

It's not that he wants to have a long bath himself. Or does he know you go straight to bed after a bath so it's a roundabout way of saying let's have an early night wink wink!

It's a bit odd but I think he's just lacking in subtlety

WaxOnFeckOff · 19/02/2021 12:58

Ah well, maybe that's the reason I've only been married for 25 years.

To be fair he's not a sex pest or someone that has tried to get me out the way but I'd prefer to not start an argument over something that isn't necessary.

Eckhart · 19/02/2021 13:03

@WaxOnFeckOff

Ah well, maybe that's the reason I've only been married for 25 years.

To be fair he's not a sex pest or someone that has tried to get me out the way but I'd prefer to not start an argument over something that isn't necessary.

Yes, and that's the difference. You're basing your answer on the idea of a healthy, loving, and properly intimate relationship.

OP has a very different situation, with a partner is not respectful, doesn't listen, doesn't care about her needs.

Asking 'Why do you keep running me baths I don't want' shouldn't start an argument. If it does, again, the relationship lacks intimate understanding of each other.

I'm not sure why you were sarcastic in your first line. My objective in my posts is to offer OP support, not to take down your ability or knowledge of how to be married to your spouse.

AnitaB888 · 19/02/2021 13:04

@Devlesko

"Don't partners communicate anymore?
I'm not surprised there are so many divorces."

It seems to be so, looking at all he threads of this site about women who are unhappy with how they are being treated in relationships.

The church gets regularly slated on these pages but all Catholic Churches and most Traditional Anglican ones do run marriage preparation classes so couples can/talk/discuss/think about marriage, what it means to them what they expect from themselves and their spouse. They tackle issues like sex, redundancy, terminal illness, homelessness, adultery, pornography, debt, domestic violence, prayer, children etc etc.
No-one ever 'fails' these classes but they are a way of facilitating communication between couples.
Some couples decide to cancel their wedding after starting these classes.

Now OP, none of this helps you and we are where we are so your choice is simple.
Stop beating about the bush and tell him how his behaviour makes you feel. If he doesn't 'get it' or doesn't want to modify his behaviour them you have an impasse and your only choice is to pack your bags.

I'm sorry.

WaxOnFeckOff · 19/02/2021 13:27

apologies Ekhart - a bit of an overreaction on my part. I guess what i meant was that different approaches work for different folks and I don't think you were wrong, just that I would tend to approach something like that differently. What works for some is clearly not for others.

Some of us don't like being told what to do but would be happy to take on board a given hint. :o

Iwonder08 · 19/02/2021 13:30

OP, your husband finds you desireble and wants to have sex everyday.. In order to encourage you he runs a bath for you.. I wouldn't call him a sex pest. You say you don't have similar sex drive, which is fine, however it is not his fault you don't fancy it as often. Other posters asked the obvious question-why don't you talk to him and you said it is because of your low self esteem..again,not his fault. How is he supposed to figure out the root cause of your annoyance at him? It really has nothing to do with running you a bath.
So many women have issues with basic communication with their own husbands. Your problem can be solved with 1 simple conversation : 'Darling, I know you are trying to do nice thing to me with running a bath, I know you find me attractive and what to have sex with me every day. I find you attractive too, but my i don't feel like having sex every day, sometimes I just want to read my book, but I still fancy you very much'.