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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want OH to stop policing my baths/showers

358 replies

H3llohEll0 · 18/02/2021 22:34

I'll preface this by saying I have good personal hygiene, so it's not that. I shower and bath regularly.

He usually works during the night but when he's off he does this every time.

I could be in the middle of a book or doing work on the laptop and he'll say "ill run your bath now"

I never ask him to. It's a nice gesture but not always convenient.

Sometimes I just don't want one, or want to be left to my book/tv programme/work. Maybe I'll only want a quick shower later on.

If you were in the middle of something and your DH tells you when to get a bath would you find it annoying?

OP posts:
Bilgepumper · 19/02/2021 09:57

Pavlov’s dig 😂😂😂

Sorry, it just made me laugh, a lot!

Meowchickameowmeow · 19/02/2021 09:57

@RepulsedofRedbridge

Wait your partner has been with you 4 years and he still wants sex? So he tries to gently encourage you instead of being upfront and crude and he tries to get you in the mood by helping you to relax and offering to run you a bath because he still desires you what an absolute bastard.
...and the award for the most moronic response of the day goes to...
LittleTiger007 · 19/02/2021 10:01

Woah... when you’ve said you don’t want a bath and then he says half an hour later “you can go and have your shower now”!!

It’s sweet to run your bath if you need one. My husband will do that for me sometimes after a long day. It’s wonderful when I’ve worked late and there’s a deep hot bubble bath with a whisky sitting on the side for me. Bless him it’s the best!

BUT. This is crossing a line and I would have words with him, in no uncertain terms. Something along the lines of: “Thank you for running a bath for me so often; that’s sweet, but it’s getting a bit controlling!
Doing it occasionally as a surprise when I am tired, is a loving gesture
... demanding I shower now - that’s creepy, controlling and unpleasant!”

I’m an adult. I do not need telling when to shower. I’m reading my book. End of.

Londontown12 · 19/02/2021 10:02

Hahahah he wants sex !
I think he’s being thoughtful but with a hidden agenda it’s the the worst thing tbh x

Icloud54 · 19/02/2021 10:02

You say you don't argue much? Because you let things slide for a easy life probably and to avoid the sulking from him?

Classic abusive relationship.

Please do the freedom programme

MacDuffsMuff · 19/02/2021 10:02

@RepulsedofRedbridge

Wait your partner has been with you 4 years and he still wants sex? So he tries to gently encourage you instead of being upfront and crude and he tries to get you in the mood by helping you to relax and offering to run you a bath because he still desires you what an absolute bastard.
Um, I've been with DH for 20 years and he still wants sex. After 4 years why would you think that the OP's partner wouldn't still want to have sex with her?

Trying to control someone's movements and actions is not 'gently encouraging' them and it's troubling that you think that it is. You don't pressure anyone into any situation. Now, the bath has become a 'thing' and the OP feels that if she has a bath then there's an expectation of sex from her, that's hardly a great turn on. If I thought DH was actively calculating how to get me in the bath so he could get his end away I would find that just plain weird.

Londontown12 · 19/02/2021 10:03

It’s not the worst I meant x

GabriellaMontez · 19/02/2021 10:04

@RepulsedofRedbridge

So out of interest then are men allowed to try and get their wives in the mood somehow? What is acceptable behaviour? Are women allowed to try and get their partners in the mood or is that being creepy sex pest as well? How are you supposed to initiate sex if you want it are we no longer allowed to try seduction genuine question
Obviously there isnt one answer to this. Because women are all different.

If you're living with a woman you love, hopefully you know her well enough to have some insight. Or if not, to be able to have a conversation about it together.

But, I think you'd go a long way to find someone that is aroused by being groped all evening or instructed when to bath. Hth.

LittleTiger007 · 19/02/2021 10:07

I’d never come across so many people that can’t communicate effectively before I joined MN.

In my relationship, we’d sit down and have a discussion about this - I’d explain how I felt and how it seemed to me like it was about sex rather than the bath, about how even if that’s not the intention it makes me feel uncomfortable etc. I’d expect the outcome of this to be DH not telling me when to bath again in future, and if he did I’d tell him we already discussed it and to stop. If he persevered after that then it’s a real problem. I wouldn’t be trying to “break associations” or doing the mental equivalent of whacking his nose with a rolled-up newspaper. He’s a human, not a dog, and an open conversation until the situation is resolved is surely more appropriate.
This. What the hell is going on here? He's doing something, you're guessing at the meaning of it, and reacting as if you know that's the truth.

Why not ask him if that's why he's doing it? Why not tell him that you don't like him running your baths and talking about when he thinks you should shower? Why not state to him what you think might be going on, and tell him how you'd prefer it to be? OP is communicating poorly (and, potentially, so is her partner), and lots of people here are telling her to 'try to suss things out' by doing x, and hint to him that you don't like it by doing y.

It's not a guessing game. He's your partner. You allow parts of his body inside parts of yours, and yet don't seem able to have a straightforward conversation when he's doing something that makes you feel really uncomfortable.

This. People. Need. To. Communicate.

Aprilx · 19/02/2021 10:08

If you were in the middle of something and your DH tells you when to get a bath would you find it annoying

DH has never told me to get a bath, if he did and I didn’t want a bath I would just say, so no I wouldn’t be particularly annoyed.

wewereliars · 19/02/2021 10:08

OP the more you post the more manipulative, controlling and horrible he sounds. You are so young, do you really want this to be your future? Honestly, having experienced similar, he sounds absolutely vile.

AryaStarkWolf · 19/02/2021 10:12

I said I'll get a shower later on. Half an hour later he said "you can go and have your shower now

That's very weird

Sunnydays999 · 19/02/2021 10:15

That would annoy me . Is he hinting you lack hygiene ?

ptumbi · 19/02/2021 10:21

Wow - OP don't you feel like his blow-up doll being washed before use?

And available at all times for his groping and rubbing up against?

I would.

And I am horrified and disgusted at some PP who think that this behaviour is somehow a compliment to you, and a sign of how sweet your dp is!

God I'd get rid. Just for making me feel like a wank toy. No wonder your self-esteem is on the floor.

Loopyloututu · 19/02/2021 10:29

It’s very Weird. Sorry.

Loopyloututu · 19/02/2021 10:30

He sounds like the husband in sleeping with the enemy “you may have you bath now Laaauura!”

oakleaffy · 19/02/2021 10:35

Couldn't think of anything worse than ''A long hot bath''..they make me giddy and nauseated. if the water is too hot, plus the water cools rapidly which is unpleasant.

A brisk shower is much more civilised.
As you say, you are a clean person, so he should back off!

FrankGrillosFloof · 19/02/2021 10:43

I must have a short fuse. The first time I was told I was being run an unrequested bath would be the last.

Being sent to the shower would bring the end of days.

rawalpindithelabrador · 19/02/2021 10:45

@FrankGrillosFloof

I must have a short fuse. The first time I was told I was being run an unrequested bath would be the last.

Being sent to the shower would bring the end of days.

Yep.
tara66 · 19/02/2021 10:46

Would think these ''preliminaries'' actually would cause anyone to be less relaxed than anything! Like - ''Get in that bath and relax for ''xxx''!

RootyT00t · 19/02/2021 10:55

I was on his side until he told you when to get a shower. Nope.

BertramLacey · 19/02/2021 11:04

The reason I don't address the groping is because he'll act all offended. I realise that's his problem and not mine but I just cannot be doing with him moping about like he has been told off. When he goes into a sulk because he's embarrassed or offended it can last for days and makes for an unpleasant atmosphere in the house.

OP you deserve so much better than this and you're so young. It's just not healthy to live like this and to have him be this manipulative. He can control his sulks, he can stop sulking. He's doing it because he knows the effect it has on you. I would just leave him.

SoulofanAggron · 19/02/2021 11:06

PP's have said it all really. He is manipulative, his displays of moods if you tell him how you feel about things are to stop you contradicting him.

I personally don't like the direct approach to nagging/asking PPs suggest either, as it's putting me on the spot.

A PP is right, a good partner can 'read the room,' also sex arises organically, it's something that happens when you're both in the mood.

@H3llohEll0 Another PP (I can't find the post now lol) is right in saying that as well as a part of you worrying you're inadequate for not wanting sex at all times, there's also a part of you going 'hang on, isn't it my choice when I want to do a thing, especially a sexual thing, and someone shouldn't try and coerce or manipulate me into anything?'

This 'hang on...' is maybe where you were at the start of the thread, although you do say you've confronted him for being a pest in the past.

The 'hang on...' can morph into the complete and utter conviction that your body, your mind, your life is your own, no-one has a right to fuck with you in any way or hurt you. They can try it but they won't do it for long. Well, that's what I ended up discovering after I finished with a sex pest, anyway.

How do you feel when he gropes you when you don't want to be groped?

I promise you, life without guys like this (well, with as little to do with them as possible) is bliss.

SunshineCake · 19/02/2021 11:22

Please don't use femfresh. Evil stuff. That coupled with your husband using you makes me wonder who you're using it for.

LilMidge01 · 19/02/2021 11:22

@BobbidyBob

I’d never come across so many people that can’t communicate effectively before I joined MN.

In my relationship, we’d sit down and have a discussion about this - I’d explain how I felt and how it seemed to me like it was about sex rather than the bath, about how even if that’s not the intention it makes me feel uncomfortable etc. I’d expect the outcome of this to be DH not telling me when to bath again in future, and if he did I’d tell him we already discussed it and to stop. If he persevered after that then it’s a real problem. I wouldn’t be trying to “break associations” or doing the mental equivalent of whacking his nose with a rolled-up newspaper. He’s a human, not a dog, and an open conversation until the situation is resolved is surely more appropriate.

THIS!!!!

Also I'm slightly unclear why everyone thinks he's a disgusting sex pest? For wanting to have sex with his wife daily? For giving her a little squeeze here and there in the day? There's nothing wrong with that in the same way there's nothing wrong with her not wanting to or not liking it.

The issue is when sex drives are mismatched or one person is 'forcing' another into it. It doesn't sound like he's 'telling' you or 'forcing' you by running you a bath, but it sounds like your sex drives and/or expectations are mismatched and you just both dont communicate properly so he doesnt know how else to discuss it. Just talk about it (agree with no weird 'breaking associations' or swatting him away like a naughty dog and telling him to wank like there's something wrong with him for having a high sex drive- also, just to note i dont think once a day is a particularly high sex drive)!!!
Jeez people! Talk to your partners!

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