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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want OH to stop policing my baths/showers

358 replies

H3llohEll0 · 18/02/2021 22:34

I'll preface this by saying I have good personal hygiene, so it's not that. I shower and bath regularly.

He usually works during the night but when he's off he does this every time.

I could be in the middle of a book or doing work on the laptop and he'll say "ill run your bath now"

I never ask him to. It's a nice gesture but not always convenient.

Sometimes I just don't want one, or want to be left to my book/tv programme/work. Maybe I'll only want a quick shower later on.

If you were in the middle of something and your DH tells you when to get a bath would you find it annoying?

OP posts:
rawalpindithelabrador · 19/02/2021 13:35

Rushing round a bit for his children coming, this again. Is he rushing round? Let me guess how this goes when his kids are there . . .

I'm agog at how many young women sign themselves up for a life like this, and with such utter dickheads. When I was single and childfree, I ran a mile from men with kids. On top of the baggage, I already knew far too many women who had to ditch the fathers of their children because they were twats and it was never a decision made lightly, so I knew there was usually a good reason why such men were single.

Sexpests are the world's biggest turn off and yy, please read the thread someone linked here from a woman whose OH started out as a sexpest.

Like you, she was young and childfree, him older and with a kid when they started up.

This kind of person doesn't change, take hints, listen to conversations or engage in them as an adult because they fundamentally believe their horny dick is entitled to service from someone else and women are there to do that.

I can guarantee it was a factor his the breakup with the mother of his children and if you're rushing round because his kids are coming, take that on board, too. Wonder if he's another Disney Dad who has her indoors doing all the donkey work when his kids are there.

SoulofanAggron · 19/02/2021 13:46

In order to encourage you he runs a bath for you

@Iwonder08 He doesn't get to decide when she has a bath though (which he is trying to do.) She is doing and wants to do other stuff at the time.

How is he supposed to figure out the root cause of your annoyance at him? It really has nothing to do with running you a bath.

The bath/shower thing is annoying too though in itself. The 'you can have your shower now' is telling OP what to do when. And the implication of his 'order' (as bath=sex to him) is also that sex is compulsory when he wants it.

Eckhart · 19/02/2021 13:47

@WaxOnFeckOff

Wine
oohmama · 19/02/2021 13:51

Why did his ex wife leave him?

I think we all know the answer to that one though

oohmama · 19/02/2021 13:51

Also, you sound so lovely
You deserve better

IsThePopeCatholic · 19/02/2021 13:55

I think you need to get rid of him. He’s a creepy sex pest, who only thinks of his own needs. I think he is using you, and does not have your interest at heart. You deserve a lot better than this. As for the Femfresh, it’s another way that men try to make women ashamed of their bodies. No one needs that stuff. Good luck op.

wewereliars · 19/02/2021 14:08

Iwonder8 pestering someone and manipulating them is no compliment, whether it's sex or anything else. It's creepy and dehumanising

Iwonder08 · 19/02/2021 14:11

So he is not allowed to indicate he wants to have sex? Would I be considered as a sex pest too if I tell my husband I want sex?

rawalpindithelabrador · 19/02/2021 14:18

@Iwonder08

So he is not allowed to indicate he wants to have sex? Would I be considered as a sex pest too if I tell my husband I want sex?
If you sulked and moped if he said no, if you were 'climbing the walls' after just a couple of days without it, if you ordered him to shower or bath with the expectation of sex after it, if you groped him all day, yes, you'd be a sex pest.
MacDuffsMuff · 19/02/2021 14:18

@Iwonder08

So he is not allowed to indicate he wants to have sex? Would I be considered as a sex pest too if I tell my husband I want sex?
There's nothing wrong with telling your partner that you want to have sex with them. There's something very odd about trying to engineer someone into it.
Eckhart · 19/02/2021 14:20

@Iwonder08

So he is not allowed to indicate he wants to have sex? Would I be considered as a sex pest too if I tell my husband I want sex?
Where in OP's posts have you seen that her husband tells her he wants sex?

If you wanted to indicate to your husband that you wanted sex, would you do it by running him a bath and telling him it was time to get into it?

Would you sulk if you wanted sex and your husband said no?

Not really comparable situations, are they.

Eckhart · 19/02/2021 14:28

@Iwonder08

So many women have issues with basic communication with their own husbands. Your problem can be solved with 1 simple conversation : 'Darling, I know you are trying to do nice thing to me with running a bath, I know you find me attractive and what to have sex with me every day. I find you attractive too, but my i don't feel like having sex every day, sometimes I just want to read my book, but I still fancy you very much

This isn't an example of a woman having issues communicating with her husband. This is an example of poor communication by both parties.

Sulking isn't cured by the person being sulked at putting the word 'darling' in front of their 'no'. It's cured by the sulker realising it's an unhealthy way to communicate, and learning to communicate in a more civil way.

The problem being 'not his fault' doesn't help OP. It doesn't matter whose fault it is. She is not happy, and needs to take 100% responsibility for getting herself into a happier situation, regardless of who is 'at fault'. Fault is blame, and a pointing finger doesn't make anybody happy, whichever end of it they're on.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/02/2021 14:38

For the PP who asked, I'm 27. He's mid thirties.

So you met when he was 30 and you were 23? And he has kids. Who you are rushing around after.

Right, there's a certain kind of divorced man who, when his perfectly reasonable wife dumps him, tries to get the youngest, most malleable women he can. To shag him constantly, not challenge his bullshit (because they haven't had the training yet) and bring up his kids.

Bonus points if he made subtle digs about his wife not supporting/shagging him enough which made you fell you had to audition as a sexy maid.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/02/2021 14:40

Sulking isn't cured by the person being sulked at putting the word 'darling' in front of their 'no'.

Beautifully put.

Arrivederla · 19/02/2021 14:43

@Iwonder08

OP, your husband finds you desireble and wants to have sex everyday.. In order to encourage you he runs a bath for you.. I wouldn't call him a sex pest. You say you don't have similar sex drive, which is fine, however it is not his fault you don't fancy it as often. Other posters asked the obvious question-why don't you talk to him and you said it is because of your low self esteem..again,not his fault. How is he supposed to figure out the root cause of your annoyance at him? It really has nothing to do with running you a bath. So many women have issues with basic communication with their own husbands. Your problem can be solved with 1 simple conversation : 'Darling, I know you are trying to do nice thing to me with running a bath, I know you find me attractive and what to have sex with me every day. I find you attractive too, but my i don't feel like having sex every day, sometimes I just want to read my book, but I still fancy you very much'.
Iwonder you have evidently missed the bit where the op says that her dh is constantly groping her.
Bubblebu · 19/02/2021 14:47

What MrsTerryPratchett says.

SoulofanAggron · 19/02/2021 14:51

Sulking isn't cured by the person being sulked at putting the word 'darling' in front of their 'no'. It's cured by the sulker realising it's an unhealthy way to communicate, and learning to communicate in a more civil way.

@Eckhart Also, a sulker in the style of OP's partner isn't trying to communicate as such. He's trying to command/demand/insist he gets what he wants. In any other 'communication' about this issue he'll probably manipulative, too.

Fault is blame, and a pointing finger doesn't make anybody happy, whichever end of it they're on.

I think it can help a woman to realize how their partner is acting isn't ok, it's abusive, and it's not the woman's fault. It's entirely the manipulative man's fault. There's nothing wrong with her. This can help a woman take further steps.

As to not being assertive, to an extent, women in abusive relationships sometimes do what they can to get by. It can take a while to make the break, as you know.

TaxTheRatFarms · 19/02/2021 14:56

I wonder if all the posters saying “for heavens sake why can’t you just talk to him!” have missed the part where op says he sulks if she turns him down? Do you really think a man like that is going to be able to have a mature, sensible conversation, and understand op’s feelings? Why on earth would you put the onus on her to have this conversation? She could try until she’s blue in the face, but he’s (probably intentionally) not going to get it.

Op Flowers You deserve better. This is not how you have to live.

YoniAndGuy · 19/02/2021 14:59

Right, there's a certain kind of divorced man who, when his perfectly reasonable wife dumps him, tries to get the youngest, most malleable women he can. To shag him constantly, not challenge his bullshit (because they haven't had the training yet) and bring up his kids. Bonus points if he made subtle digs about his wife not supporting/shagging him enough which made you fell you had to audition as a sexy maid.

This about a million times.

Eckhart · 19/02/2021 15:06

I think it can help a woman to realize how their partner is acting isn't ok, it's abusive, and it's not the woman's fault. It's entirely the manipulative man's fault. There's nothing wrong with her. This can help a woman take further steps

I think that this is enormously useful, yes, but it is encompassed in the lesson that the woman can learn, that is: 'Your feelings need to be respected, by you, and by everyone else; don't spend time with people who insist on disrespecting them.' If the woman can learn this lesson, it doesn't really matter if it's called abuse/whose fault it is.

I've told a story quite a few times on here now, of a friend of mine who dated someone who kept touching her in a really innocent way (bit like a touch on the knee), which was the way her childhood abuser used to touch her before abusing her. She told her date not to touch her in that way, because it made her feel sick, and he said 'You're being silly, I'm not doing anything wrong'. So, she left him; not because he was 'abusive', but because he wasn't respecting her feelings. Her boundaries are very strong, and it's a good lesson to learn. If someone treats you in a way that makes you feel bad, and they don't listen when you tell them, it doesn't matter if it's abuse. It doesn't matter if he's doing 'something wrong'. There is no external set of rules to refer to when someone is messing with your emotions.

All that matters is that those who love you respect your feelings; not respecting your feelings is a clear sign that they don't love you, and you shouldn't spend time with them.

BertramLacey · 19/02/2021 15:08

If you sulked and moped if he said no, if you were 'climbing the walls' after just a couple of days without it, if you ordered him to shower or bath with the expectation of sex after it, if you groped him all day, yes, you'd be a sex pest.

This. Also, I don't think his demands for sex are about sexual desire - and it's obvious they're not about love. They sound to me much more like territorial demands and ownership. It's more about marking the OP as his - his to do with as he wants, his to order around, there to service his needs. He even makes her bathe beforehand.

Any watch GoT? Bathing is what Ramsay did to his women and victims. There's a very gruesome scene where he gives Theon a bath. This isn't about straightforward desire.

Iwonder08 · 19/02/2021 15:10

Well, nobody but OP knows how this 'constant groping' and discrepancies in sex drive really feel. If he is indeed immature sex obsessed fragile egoed older man who forces her into 'sexy maid audition' then why the hell is OP still with the chap?

LowlandLucky · 19/02/2021 15:14

I would think he wants you out of the way for a while. My ex used to do that and the minute i was out the way he would be texting the OW. Maybe your DH is just being helpful

Nanny2many · 19/02/2021 15:14

I think the bath code is a good idea but he’s going about it wrong. I think feeling pestered for sex is such a Desire killer for many of us.

Is there a way of reframing this and he knows to not instigate unless you yourself have ran yourself a bath?

He also needs to learn to understand boundaries and consent I must add.

rawalpindithelabrador · 19/02/2021 15:14

What MrsTerryPratchett said times a million.