Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Consequence for 11 yo ds kicking me

157 replies

IloveHolby · 18/02/2021 13:31

Hi mumsnetters

I’ve name changed as not posted for a few years. Ds 11 kicked me hard last week because I told him not to get involved in his sisters roblox dealings with her friend. He wanted to tell us all what a bad deal her friend was making and that she was getting scammed. Dd was happy to wait to video call her friend and was happy with the deal.

Ds kept talking, I told him I’m not interested and he reacted by threatening to break my laptop. He kicked me hard then followed up with 2 not hard kicks. So I banned him from roblox for a week and he had no pocket money this week.

He thinks this is too harsh...aibu?

I’m usually a soft touch - I don’t want to damage our relationship

OP posts:
Twinkie01 · 18/02/2021 13:35

I don't think it's too harsh. Did he apologise?

reefedsail · 18/02/2021 13:35

Blimey, no, you were not too harsh.

Original poster
IloveHolby · 18/02/2021 13:37

Thanks - he’s upstairs sulking (or plotting revenge?....) and I feel really guilty.

OP posts:
RedGoldAndGreene · 18/02/2021 13:38

Not too harsh. He's far too old to get physical when angry.

CoRhona · 18/02/2021 13:39

How old is your DD? Obviously what he did to you was wrong but it was good of him to be looking out for his sister.

Your punishment was not U.

FionnulaTheCooler · 18/02/2021 13:40

I think your punishment is appropriate, although I'd have considered a full ban on all gaming for a week, not just Roblox. Kicking you really crossed a line and he needs to know it's totally unacceptable.

HallowedGround · 18/02/2021 13:40

Not harsh enough in my opinion. He's 11 and unless he's got SEN ( and even then) he knows not to physically assault people and threaten their belongings.

Donotgogentle · 18/02/2021 13:40

Not too harsh at all. I’ve several threads of posters suffering domestic violence from teenage children so you need to close this right down.

I’d say there’s also work to be done on helping your ds manage his anger and frustration, this is a worrying response in a child his age.

SummerHouse · 18/02/2021 13:41

Hey op. This is totally, totally unacceptable. He has really crossed a line. Physical violence is a terrible thing to resort to. It cannot be tolerated to protect your relationship. The punishment seems very lenient. If he was deeply ashamed, apologetic and understanding of the sheer seriousness of his actions, I might be inclined to go light on punishment. But this would have to be the last and only time I would let a child of mine kick me.

minniemango · 18/02/2021 13:41

Banned from screens for a week is a fairly mild punishment imo! My 6yo is has lost her tablet this week for watching YouTube after bedtime.

Not sure what I’d do in your situation but kicking your mother is really, really serious.

SummerHouse · 18/02/2021 13:44

@IloveHolby

Thanks - he’s upstairs sulking (or plotting revenge?....) and I feel really guilty.
You need to get out of this mindset. There is no way on god's green earth that you should be feeling guilty. He has kicked you, hard.
bigbird1969 · 18/02/2021 13:44

Your feeling guilty about punishing a 11yr old who has assaulted you?

He is 11 and well get bigger and stronger and when he hits puberty it might be fists he uses. Your DS kicked you three times out of frustration and threatened to break your laptop. You shouldnt be sat feeling guilty, you need to be working out why he is being violent towards you and seek support to ensure it doesnt happen again.

MustardMitt · 18/02/2021 13:44

He thinks that is harsh and now YOU feel guilty?! Confused

No wonder he felt he could threaten to break your belongings and then kicked you. For crying out loud, this child needs a serious talking to. That behaviour is not acceptable at all.

I have two 12 year olds btw and it is a tricky age, but I genuinely can’t imagine either of them threatening to break my belongings or even attempting to kick me, and that’s not because I rule with an iron fist or anything, we have a really close relationship!

Imagine when he’s 14 and he kicks you. It’s alarming tbh that you’re worried about damaging your relationship when his behaviour is this bad.

DudeistPriest · 18/02/2021 13:46

He needs to understand the serious nature of his violence and that it's completely unacceptable no matter how provoked he was. He's growing up and old enough to understand that. If he kicked his teacher at school, even if they were being very unfair, it would be a very serious matter, he may even be expelled. If he kicked a stranger the police may be called and he would face charges. I would have another talk with him when he is calmer and explain that. He needs to be clear that he can't do something like this again. If he is having problems controlling his temper you could look at some strategies to help.

Ohalrightthen · 18/02/2021 13:47

I'm usually a soft touch - I don’t want to damage our relationship

And this is how you've ended up with a young man who thinks it's acceptable to physically assault his mother.

You need to nip this in the bud right now, or your angry violent kid will grow up into an angry violent man.

HallowedGround · 18/02/2021 13:48

What's he like generally? Saying you don't want to damage your relationship with him is a bit of an odd comment, especially after he physically assaulted you.

Thesearmsofmine · 18/02/2021 13:48

Not harsh enough, i would take away all gaming not just roblox.

bloodyhairy · 18/02/2021 13:48

Christ, I'd be battered for this as a kid!
It's good that you punished him and stuck with it OP (definitely NOT too harsh, btw!) and I'm sorry this happened to you. You must be feeling pretty shaken.
I'm wondering if he has form for violent outbursts? It seems unlikely for such an extreme reaction to come out of nowhere. If this isn't a first, then you are going to need some extra support, as his punishment would be a sticking plaster on what is already a much bigger deal.
I'm also wondering what support you have in your personal life? Is your children's father at home with you all?

TheHoneyBadger · 18/02/2021 13:49

Perhaps more importantly than which punishment you chose you need a serious talk. He needs to understand using violence against you is absolutely unacceptable. You need to talk about the fact that as a boy one day, in the not too distant future, he will be larger and stronger than you.

This is a conversation that was had young and retouched upon regularly with my ds. If he has ever so much as physically blocked my way or used his weight against me it has been dealt with really seriously (not by punishments but very real conversations about what you will and won't accept in your home or your life full stop).

My ds is now nearly 14.

You really need to have a serious talk about this. There is no way ds would've ever dared kicked me in temper and if he did he would need to get away from me and stay away from me and think about his behaviour for quite some time before we were even ready to talk about consequences.

DaphneDuBois · 18/02/2021 13:49

I absolutely would not tolerate being kicked, then kicked a further three times a week. He has to learn that this is entirely unacceptable behaviour with consequences for him. YANBU.

TheHoneyBadger · 18/02/2021 13:50

ps I'm not a particularly tough or strict parent and ds swears too much and has a lot of free reign really but violence towards me is totally unacceptable from him or from anyone. It's a seriously important boundary and most especially between a boy and his mother.

DaphneDuBois · 18/02/2021 13:50

I’d be punishing him even harder if he were my son.

Grooticle · 18/02/2021 13:50

I find this quite shocking. My 12 year old nephew is bigger than me. If he was violent, he could seriously hurt me. It’s completely unacceptable for a child of 11 to assault a woman, no matter how provoked.

Are you in England? Everything is hard right now with lockdown, but I would seriously look into getting him some anger management, and getting you some assertiveness training.

He needs to be very clear that what he did crossed a line and must never happen again.

I think your punishment is lenient honestly.

intheenddoesitreallymatter · 18/02/2021 13:50

I'd give away his X-Box (whatever console he plays roblox on) - aka actually hide it in the cupboard and pretend and give it him back in a few weeks/months when he's earnt it.

He kicked you to hurt you, he needs to understand how completely and totally unacceptable. He could have really hurt you. Next time he'll kick his sister.

SummerHouse · 18/02/2021 13:51

Is there anything that might explain (not excuse) this behaviour. Like SEN or exposure to violence from someone else against him?