Consequence for 11 yo ds kicking me

[IloveHolby]

Hi mumsnetters

I’ve name changed as not posted for a few years. Ds 11 kicked me hard last week because I told him not to get involved in his sisters roblox dealings with her friend. He wanted to tell us all what a bad deal her friend was making and that she was getting scammed. Dd was happy to wait to video call her friend and was happy with the deal.

Ds kept talking, I told him I’m not interested and he reacted by threatening to break my laptop. He kicked me hard then followed up with 2 not hard kicks. So I banned him from roblox for a week and he had no pocket money this week.

He thinks this is too harsh...aibu?

I’m usually a soft touch - I don’t want to damage our relationship

Yes i'm reading the OP. The child should be punished but also this is a child. Something is going wrong if he felt he needed to lash out in that way.

He felt he wasn't being listened to.

Punishment alone won't solve the communication problem and won't make the child, who felt he wasn't able to communicate, know how to deal with a similar situation in a more appropriate way.

He's a child. He needs help from adults to understand his emotions and how to better communicate his frustrations.

If he doesn't receive that help as a child he may well end up as an adult who is unable to control his emotions.

Don't feel guilty for Parenting.

pepsicolagirl with respect I've parented a child who couldn't manage his emotions as an 11 year old.

I now have a very well behaved late teen who has learned to better channel his frustrations and to communicate. He wouldn't lay a finger on me or anyone else.

I took advice from professionals on how to manage my child's communication difficulties which I am now imparting on this thread.

I tried tough love first, it didn't work because the behaviour at the time was as a result of the fact he was a child who couldn't adequately manage his emotions.

He’s a brat, verging on being a bully. He deserves to be punished.

@lifeturnsonadime do we need to consider what causes the behaviour when the behaviour is violence? There is nothing that "causes" that behaviour, I wouldn't justify or validate it as a response.

I'm a total soft touch but even I wouldn't care to listen to any excuses a child of mine would give about why they were violent. It needs to be completely unacceptable and just totally out of the range of what a child reaches for when they are angry. Punch a pillow, fine. Slam doors, not cool but whatever. Swear under your breath, again whatever. But you don't kick your mother

Children need boundaries. It helps them learn what is and isn't acceptable with us and then in wider life in general. It builds respect even if they don't like it. It provides security. For example, say I pulled your hair and you told me you didnt like it, then I would learn not to do that and you would have taught me how to respect you and other people better. You are doing him a massive favour by teaching him kicking anyone is not ok. My 6 year old is hit me once when I stopped him running out on a road (geez I'm so unreasonable). I banned the Switch for 3 days. He has never hit me since and occasionally still apologies for it even though I've made it clear it's over now and we have moved on!

Yes we absolutely do need to consider what causes a child to be violent. It is not normal behaviour. It is wrong to assume that this is a 'bad child'. Behaviour, of anyone, is a form of communication.

If a child is violent it is often because they can't or don't know how to make themselves heard otherwise. My child had a period of being violent because he was suffering so much with anxiety and couldn't find the words to express it. Remove the cause of the anxiety and listen to the reasons for it the violence goes.

It is not acceptable for any human being to be violent towards another person but we need to teach this to some children.

The OP stated that her child had tried to explain that his sister was at some form of risk in a game. It seems he felt, rightly or wrongly that he hadn't been listened to. He needs to be taught that the behaviour is unacceptable (punishment is completely appropriate) but also it is worth the OP exploring with him what could have happened differently with regards to the frustration he felt at not being listened to. The problem with punishment without the discussion is that we are not teaching our children better responses. We are making assumptions they have emotional intelligence that they may be incapable of.

And just to clarify, absolutely yes children need boundaries.

These threads are always disturbing with grown women salivating over all the ways a child should be punished. Yes he did wrong, he shouldn't have kicked you but if he values computer games the most then i don't see why that wouldn't be an adequate punishment. He's learning to control his emotions and it's your job as a parent to teach him. When everyone is calm, maintain the punishment and talk to him about other ways he could manage his anger. It sounds like he was trying to protect his sister from being ripped off and you were ignoring him. That doesn't excuse what he did, but he's still a child barely out of primary school. He needs to learn that sometimes he needs to drop something after a conclusion has been reached, and that lashing out is completely unacceptable and there are other ways to do that than heaping more and more punishments onto him.

I despair.

You need to punish him, but you also need to teach him what would have been a better response.
From the op it’s seems he was trying to protect his sister, so do you not want him too? Being 11 he doesn’t know when it’s appropriate and when it isn’t, If you don’t explain to him how he could have handled this differently surely he will never stick up for his sister again.

He felt he wasn’t being listened too, so he got angry, he’s going to come up against this in his life a lot. People don’t listen in general, you need to teach him ways to walk away, and accept this.

You need to talk to him about the seriousness of his action and what the consequences of his behaviour will be, give you both time to calm down and give him time to reflect on his actions.

Stick to your gun about screen time, but know that he’s going to be bored and wanderer around the house moaning which will drive you mad. How will you direct this?

I really wouldn’t threaten his with social services or the police, it will just back fire. It you need a mixture of punishment and teaching.

He's really done a number on you, OP. He threatens to break your laptop and then kicks you three times, then gets you to feel bad about it?

He really hasn’t done a number on the op. He’s 11 a child. Maybe the op has done a number on him, you know with him being a child! Maybe the CHILD is needs guidance.

2 things.

1. Are you actually aware of how much scamming occurs on roblox? Why didn't you listen to your ds valid concerns rather than just shut him up?

That said his behaviour was WAY out of line so

1. You need to stop feeling guilty. My friends DDs both pinched, hit and kicked her form a young age and their punishments for a week lasted about 2 hours. At 15/16 they are out of control with no respect for her and so she cannot do anything about it.

God the amount of minimising on here. Yes he’s a child. But he’s eleven, not am infant and he knows right from wrong. Kicking your mother and threatening to smash a lap top is totally unacceptable

Yes she needs to speak to him but she also needs to make if fucking clear you don’t assault people. And make it a lesson he won’t forget. Becayse the next person he kicks or punches hard might be another child. A girl, a teacher, a passer by. If you can kick your own mother hard then no one else is off limits.

He is over the age of criminal responsibility. Unless there is a back story then it needs to be dealt with with a harsh punishment as well as words.

Your relationship is already damaged if he feels it's ok for him to kick and threaten you and you are worried about parenting him because he might not like you.

You need to establish appropriate boundaries for a parent- child relationship!

Ds kept talking, I told him I’m not interested.

How rude and unkind you were to your ds.

No wonder there are so many violent men out there if women are falling all over themselves to excuse violence and call it a form of communication and blame the victim for not listening.

God the amount of minimising on here.

Has anyone said he shouldn't be punished at all, or that his behaviour was ok? Let alone most people?

The OP has a choice here.
Simply to punish the child.
Or to model adult-like behaviour and to try to prevent further occurrences, not because he is afraid of any punishment, but because he will understand that violence is a poor response that damages everyone and his relationships.
We cannot forget that physical pain isn't the only pain. Emotional pain can be worse and longer lasting.

If you do want to have a good relationship with your son, OP, you don't need to yield on punishments, but you do need to respect him, including his opinions. Do NOT be a softy, that will not do you or him any good. Be consistent and make sure there are consequences for poor behaviour, but also model what good behaviour is. And model how you can resolve issues in an adult manner, and yes, even if he is 11 years old. This is when you show how adults behave.

I'm standing by what I said - violence in the house is always unacceptable. It doesn't mean that the child is bad, of course not, but at 11 that behaviour just should not be happening. You generally stamp it out early, or at least I tried my hardest to. This is not the time for saying "I understand you were upset but"... that needed to happen aged 2. It's okay for kids to know that somethings are just never okay

I agree with PPs that unless he has sen issues, not harsh enough! At 11 he absolutely should not be resorting to violence, quite worrying!

I have two boys who are going to be huge compared to me. I mean tall and both very active and sporty so likely built like brick shit houses! One is your ds's age, the other is older and already towers over me. They also do a martial art.

Absolutely, 100% ZERO tolerance in this house for violence. One, because it's not fucking on. And two because given the above, when they're teens if they get violent the truth is that there won't be a lot I can do about it physically. So I needed to make sure it just wasn't ok from a very young age.

I think you were too soft, tbh. I would have lost my shit.

I grew up with violent male relatives until mum and dad got us away from them and I could see my brothers being influenced by uncles, grandad etc.

Thankfully mam and dad ended that sharpish with very strict rules around violence.

I don't smack my kids. But he would have been off all tech for at least two weeks. And getting daily talks on violence, especially against women.

I probably sound OTT but I've just seen way too much male violence not to be rigid about it!

Apologies, I misread the age.

I still believe kicking his mother repeatedly and threatening to break her laptop is absolutely appalling behaviour.

He definitely needs to be spoken to calmly.
He also needs to be punished by consequences that he never forgets.
He needs to have explained to him that violence against women is very wrong.
He needs to be spoken to about his anger.

But most of all he needs to very clearly shown that his behaviour has consequences and to be punished.

My son's were 5 '10 at that age so were bigger than me and my daughter's.

There is absolutely no way he can be left to sulk.🙄
The seriousness of this needs to driven home firmly.

@Mummyoflittledragon

It sounds as if your ds was getting massively frustrated as he was trying to protect his sister and you weren’t listening.

I also agree you need to have a big chat about violence and boundaries. But I also think you should talk to him about how you see now he was trying to protect his sister. One day you may be very grateful that he cares so much about her. The last thing you want is for him to think maybe he shouldn’t as you won’t react in the right way.

For me, the bottom line is to own your part in this. I would keep the punishment but maybe let him earn it back through good behaviour but make it clear there won’t be a next time of earning back after such violence. That way you recognise your part in this.

I agree with this.

You haven't been stern enough! Cheeky little s**t to moan at you for being too hard on him!! I'd have crushed that behaviour right away! Grow a spine and parent him properly!! FFS!

@GalesThisMorning

I'm standing by what I said - violence in the house is always unacceptable. It doesn't mean that the child is bad, of course not, but at 11 that behaviour just should not be happening. You generally stamp it out early, or at least I tried my hardest to. This is not the time for saying "I understand you were upset but"... that needed to happen aged 2. It's okay for kids to know that somethings are just never okay

And if op had failed to teach her child that violence isn’t the answer? He needs to be told now before he gets older. He need to be punished and spoken to. But equally the op needs to look at why she feels guilty about giving out a punishment.

Has she been too soft over the years, has she not seen punishment as important? Why would a child think it’s acceptable to kick someone else?