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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Consequence for 11 yo ds kicking me

157 replies

IloveHolby · 18/02/2021 13:31

Hi mumsnetters

I’ve name changed as not posted for a few years. Ds 11 kicked me hard last week because I told him not to get involved in his sisters roblox dealings with her friend. He wanted to tell us all what a bad deal her friend was making and that she was getting scammed. Dd was happy to wait to video call her friend and was happy with the deal.

Ds kept talking, I told him I’m not interested and he reacted by threatening to break my laptop. He kicked me hard then followed up with 2 not hard kicks. So I banned him from roblox for a week and he had no pocket money this week.

He thinks this is too harsh...aibu?

I’m usually a soft touch - I don’t want to damage our relationship

OP posts:
WoolieLiberal · 18/02/2021 18:44

“Dh is around but he could do with anger management himself -he won’t accept that though. He’s not physically aggressive but over reacts and stomps off swearing. He always goes on about giving ds a beating.”

I think we’ve found the root of the problem.

If DH is setting that sort of example, no wonder he’s behaving like that.

On the basis of that information, I reassess my view. He’s behaving like that because that’s the example he’s been set.

billy1966 · 18/02/2021 18:47

OP,
So you had angry brothers and married an angry man and now you have an angry son, whilst you and your daughter are surrounded by angry males, and so it has continued.

You were conditioned as is your daughter to accept and expect men to be angry and have zero control over their temper and emotions.

I feel really sorry for your daughter in all of this.
You can be sure you will hear HER take on family life and how all these angry males marred her childhood.

Expect it to tough to hear.
This is not a nice home for your daughter to grow up in.

Your childhood conditioning you and your shouty husband has created this situation.

You are not soft.
You are cowed down and conditioned not to stand up for yourself.
You are conditioned to try and keep the peace and not rock the boat.

Flowers
EarringsandLipstick · 18/02/2021 19:42

Yeah, so fine her child physically assaulted her...

Read my posts. I didn't say that. I said the opposite. So lose the Hmm emoji.

EarringsandLipstick · 18/02/2021 19:43

@lifeturnsonadime

Earrings i think you and I have similar viewpoints.

Punishing and failing to listen or consider what caused the behaviour may well backfire and result in further bad behaviour.

Suggesting that the 11 year old is going to turn into a criminal is ridiculous.

No one should be kicked but my goodness some of the responses on here!

Agree fully @lifeturnsonadime
EarringsandLipstick · 18/02/2021 19:45

Dear God @Bluntness100 a bit of a leap surely?

What’s he going to grow up to do, beat his partners when they don’t agree with him? His work colleagues?

What he did is absolutely wrong, and it is serious.

But he's 11. He got frustrated & behaved awfully.

He needs to learn from this & needs both proportionate consequences and plenty of discussion so he can learn to self-regulate.

Sparklfairy · 18/02/2021 19:48

He always goes on about giving ds a beating.

This is unacceptable. As in ltb territory.

A beating. Ffs. So hitting your child multiple times as he cowers in a corner? What a big man your husband is. I feel sick.

EarringsandLipstick · 18/02/2021 19:51

@lifeturnsonadime

Yes we absolutely do need to consider what causes a child to be violent. It is not normal behaviour. It is wrong to assume that this is a 'bad child'. Behaviour, of anyone, is a form of communication.

If a child is violent it is often because they can't or don't know how to make themselves heard otherwise. My child had a period of being violent because he was suffering so much with anxiety and couldn't find the words to express it. Remove the cause of the anxiety and listen to the reasons for it the violence goes.

It is not acceptable for any human being to be violent towards another person but we need to teach this to some children.

The OP stated that her child had tried to explain that his sister was at some form of risk in a game. It seems he felt, rightly or wrongly that he hadn't been listened to. He needs to be taught that the behaviour is unacceptable (punishment is completely appropriate) but also it is worth the OP exploring with him what could have happened differently with regards to the frustration he felt at not being listened to. The problem with punishment without the discussion is that we are not teaching our children better responses. We are making assumptions they have emotional intelligence that they may be incapable of.

Brilliant posts life I'm just catching up on them now.

I too have an 11 year old (currently) who needs help self-regulating. I haven't been in the same situation as OP, but not too dissimilar. I was deeply upset at some behaviour from my DS & worried as a single parent.

I don't always handle it well. But I'm trying. One thing I'll say is massively punitive consequences e.g. a long period without a device or getting rid of it entirely will not work. Not because it's too harsh - it's probably not - but because the child will just not make the connection.

Sure they'll know you're mad at them. But they will see it that you're unfair & resent you.

The underlying communication issues will remain unresolved.

katy1213 · 18/02/2021 19:51

You feel guilty - about a very mild punishment for behaviour that is totally out of order?
You're the problem - for letting him off so lightly.
He's a nasty young thug.

EarringsandLipstick · 18/02/2021 19:53

creating a combative dynamic of win / lose or even lose / lose, where the parent thinks they must bring the child down to a manageable level at any cost instead of realising that once your child reaches a certain size and age, parenting rather like policing in this country is by mutual consent.

What a brilliant point @Mummyoflittledragon

EarringsandLipstick · 18/02/2021 19:56

He's a nasty young thug.

What an awful thing to say about a child.

Did you ever hear about calling out the behaviour & criticising that - not the child?

AlwaysLatte · 18/02/2021 20:03

I'd stick to the punishment but try to find out if he is okay generally, maybe suggest going for a walk just the two of you, a craft project where he might open up while you work or having a cuddle and watching a movie. It could have been a way of getting attention because he is not okay. Be calm and loving, but stick to your guns! Kicking is definitely a no.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/02/2021 20:04

Thank you @EarringsandLipstick. It’s hard to do though for sure and my dd is only 12. Life is high drama with her right now. 😩

Playnoh · 18/02/2021 20:08

Would it have been that hard to listen to him? He sounds frustrated to not being listened to. However, he is way to old to be having tantrums when things don’t go his way so no your punishment is fine.

I do feel sorry for him with you saying you’re not interested. That would have hurt.

OhCaptain · 18/02/2021 20:09

He’s not a fucking nasty thug! He’s a boy who gets threats of beatings and has learned from the adult male in his life that anger and violence are how things are dealt with.

OhCaptain · 18/02/2021 20:10

@IloveHolby you’ve said that you ensure your dd doesn’t suffer violence from your son.

But what are you doing about both of them suffering your husband’s behaviour?

AlwaysLatte · 18/02/2021 20:12

Ds kept talking, I told him I’m not interested
Why were you not interested? It was a good time to really find out what was going on.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 18/02/2021 20:15

Oh like fuck would I have an 11 year old kicking me. A 2 year old maybe but 11? That punishment is way too soft and you're raising an abusive little thug. Who will grow up into an abusive adult.

Try no Roblox for a month and no pocket money at all until he learns to show you some respect. You're doing him no favours by condoning and normalising violence towards women.

Ludo19 · 18/02/2021 20:54

Changed days. If I had so much as attempted that, my mum would have ended me but then I had and still have respect. She only had to shoot me a look and I knew I'd overstepped the mark.

No harsh enough in my opinion and I'm not for one minute telling you to tie him to a chair and beat him with a stick but maybe curtail all the stuff he lives for even longer. How dare he treat you like that!

Ludo19 · 18/02/2021 20:55

*loves

Freddiefox · 18/02/2021 21:15

So the big question is what are you going to do about angry dad? If you don’t do something you are going to have two angry people in the house.
What would you like your dh to do? And what is he prepared to do?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 18/02/2021 21:18

Mild punishment for very bad behaviour.

morninglive · 18/02/2021 21:55

Not harsh enough. Violence is not acceptable and a simple game and pocket money ban isn't cutting it for me.

peaceanddove · 18/02/2021 22:18

Classic case of ineffectual parenting. Feeling guilty over (mildly) punishing your 11 year old after they have kicked you several times???

Jesus Christ, what a pathetic example of parenting.

EarringsandLipstick · 18/02/2021 22:19

@peaceanddove

You need to change your username after that horrible post. 😠

And I've reported you.

BananaPop2020 · 18/02/2021 22:24

You are not being harsh at all. I would have been severely beaten for this as a child. Thank God times have started to change.

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