Page 3 | Consequence for 11 yo ds kicking me

IloveHolby · 2021-02-18T13:31:55+00:00

Hi mumsnetters I’ve name changed as not posted for a few years. Ds 11 kicked me hard last week because I told him not to get involved in his sisters roblox dealings with her friend. He wanted to tell us all what a bad deal her friend was making and that she was getting scammed. Dd was happy to wait to video call her friend and was happy with the deal. Ds kept talking, I told him I’m not interested and he reacted by threatening to break my laptop. He kicked me hard then followed up with 2 not hard kicks. So I banned him from roblox for a week and he had no pocket money this week. He thinks this is too harsh...aibu? I’m usually a soft touch - I don’t want to damage our relationship

Mellonsprite · 18/02/2021 14:55

Clamp down hard on him from now on, no more ‘being a soft touch’.
It would worry me that he used physical violence over such a small thing.

MessagesKeepGettingClearer · 18/02/2021 14:57

He doesn't get to dictate punishments for being violent.

I think he needs to learn to wind it in and banning him for a week is more than fair. If you go back on this now you've lost all respect.

FredaFlintstone · 18/02/2021 14:59

Ds kept talking, I told him I’m not interested and he reacted by threatening to break my laptop. He kicked me hard then followed up with 2 not hard kicks

This is not normal behaviour.

Before the kicking - he threatened to break your laptop? If one of my sons did this THAT would be enough for a months ban of all electronics here and massive talk along the lines of how dare he and wind your neck right in. I wouldn't allow any of my dc to treat someone like that, be it parents, siblings or anyone else.

For kicking you I have no words. You're being totally soft and your punishment isn't anywhere near harsh enough.

We don't smack our children at all - but if one of our boys actually raised a hand to me I suspect they'd probably be receiving their first hiding from dh if I'm honest, never mind a week of no games.

pepsicolagirl · 18/02/2021 14:59

I would have banned for a week for getting verbal. The day my child physically assaults me his xbox would be going in the bloody bin and he would be taught how to use his words to communicate.

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 18/02/2021 15:02

None of my kids would get off with a Roblox ban if they assaulted me. And you feel guilty?! Why?? Time to get seriously quickly before he's bigger than you.

billy1966 · 18/02/2021 15:04

OP,
Unbelievable.
I have two boys and I can honestly tell you if either did that to me the consequences would never be forgotten

This is so serious.

He thinks it's ok to assault a woman.

You need to have a hard look at your soft parenting that it would bring you to this.

He's nearly 14 and he is on a really seriously bad path.

You would be well within your rights to contact 101 and ask for advice.

You have been assaulted in your home by a boy that is nearly 14 that isn't showing any remorse.

He needs a dose of reality.
Fast.

GalesThisMorning · 18/02/2021 15:06

I agree with all the posters here except the one who says gentle parents raise selfish kids and you should threaten social services removing him from your care. Obviously don't do that.

I raised DS1 as a single parent and he was quite a difficult child to parent. I am not a strict parent by nature but I've always been very clear that violence towards me is not an option. Its unthinkable, it would not be tolerated.

We need to raise our boys to know this. Your punishment certainly isn't overly harsh and I think you need to be really really clear with him just how big of a line he crossed. Hope it gets easier OP, it's tough

wonderingsoul · 18/02/2021 15:06

Not harsh enough, and the fact that her thinks it's to harsh shows me that he doesn't regret it or realise how serious this is.

He's 11, 7 years hell be an adult, will he think physical violence is away to get what he wants.

Is this new behaviour from him, I have a 15 and 12 year old who have a mouth on them towards each other but wouldn't dream of getting physical. And if they had done this I would be really worried that some bigger was going on.

EarringsandLipstick · 18/02/2021 15:07

I would ask if a police officer or one of those psco ones, if they would come and have a chat with him. He is at the age of where he could be charged for violence.

I live in Ireland. But this is about the most bonkers thing I've heard!

He's 11. He did something wrong. I don't know about the UK but there isn't a hope of the Garda here sending around someone in that situation.

The words sledgehammer & nut come to mind.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/02/2021 15:11

It sounds as if your ds was getting massively frustrated as he was trying to protect his sister and you weren’t listening.

I also agree you need to have a big chat about violence and boundaries. But I also think you should talk to him about how you see now he was trying to protect his sister. One day you may be very grateful that he cares so much about her. The last thing you want is for him to think maybe he shouldn’t as you won’t react in the right way.

For me, the bottom line is to own your part in this. I would keep the punishment but maybe let him earn it back through good behaviour but make it clear there won’t be a next time of earning back after such violence. That way you recognise your part in this.

EarringsandLipstick · 18/02/2021 15:11

I'm in disbelief at the most recent replies.

I'm in no way legitimising just behaviour. At all.

But you don't solve this by brute force (either consequences and / or actual force, as suggested by a few 😳)

Consequences are needed. But please don't forget to talk to him, to use your words to explain the impact, your concerns & to hear how he is feeling & perceived the situation.

That's the way to raise emotionally intelligent children.

OP I would think your parenting style is just fine. Spend some time thinking about what works for you & your son. Include consequences, also conversation.

MojoMoon · 18/02/2021 15:12

He is old enough to be held responsible legally if he commits a crime.
Far better that he learns ASAP at home quite how serious assaulting someone is than learn that in the legal system.

I would also start assessing with him the issue of male violence against women and an understanding of the context in which his physical assist of you sits.

The fact he is not utterly distraught at his own behaviour and asking for forgiveness suggests he needs some serious work

EarringsandLipstick · 18/02/2021 15:13

@pepsicolagirl

his xbox would be going in the bloody bin and he would be taught how to use his words to communicate.

Would you follow your own advice? And use your words to communicate, rather than throwing expensive items in the bin?

FGS.

wheredidtheygoto · 18/02/2021 15:13

Honestly that's nowhere near enough of a consequence. Your son kicked you. That is awful. He needs more serious consequences.

lifeturnsonadime · 18/02/2021 15:14

No issue with punishing him but he lashed out because he was trying to be heard and was trying to protect his sister.

He shouldn't have lashed out but he is a child and behaviour is a form of communication. He was clearly frustrated that he felt he wasn't being listened to.

it is absolutely appropriate to punish that behaviour and to say that the behaviour is unacceptable but as well as punishing take this as a learning curve. Think about and ask him to think about how he could have communicated in a more effective way without having to resort to anger.

I have children with ASD who struggle to communicate I'm not saying that your son has ASD but when there is a breakdown of communication with any child that leads to poor behaviour it is worth considering what has gone wrong and how we can help our children to communicate in an acceptable way in the future.

EarringsandLipstick · 18/02/2021 15:15

@billy1966

You have been assaulted in your home by a boy that is nearly 14 that isn't showing any remorse.

He's 11.

EarringsandLipstick · 18/02/2021 15:15

@lifeturnsonadime

No issue with punishing him but he lashed out because he was trying to be heard and was trying to protect his sister.

He shouldn't have lashed out but he is a child and behaviour is a form of communication. He was clearly frustrated that he felt he wasn't being listened to.

it is absolutely appropriate to punish that behaviour and to say that the behaviour is unacceptable but as well as punishing take this as a learning curve. Think about and ask him to think about how he could have communicated in a more effective way without having to resort to anger.

I have children with ASD who struggle to communicate I'm not saying that your son has ASD but when there is a breakdown of communication with any child that leads to poor behaviour it is worth considering what has gone wrong and how we can help our children to communicate in an acceptable way in the future.

Thank God for this post.

@lifeturnsonadime agree💯

pepsicolagirl · 18/02/2021 15:16

@EarringsandLipstick

I'm in disbelief at the most recent replies.

I'm in no way legitimising just behaviour. At all.

But you don't solve this by brute force (either consequences and / or actual force, as suggested by a few 😳)

Consequences are needed. But please don't forget to talk to him, to use your words to explain the impact, your concerns & to hear how he is feeling & perceived the situation.

That's the way to raise emotionally intelligent children.

OP I would think your parenting style is just fine. Spend some time thinking about what works for you & your son. Include consequences, also conversation.

Yeah, so fine her child physically assaulted her...

WoolieLiberal · 18/02/2021 15:21

I wasn’t advocating that the child should be hit.

I have never hit mine and have spoken out against corporal punishment here before.

I was just pointing out how it was dealt with in the recent past (if 20 years ago is recent past) as an illustration of how soft some parents have got when worrying if withdrawal of computer games privileges is too harsh a punishment.

Maybe I’m getting old...

lifeturnsonadime · 18/02/2021 15:25

Earrings i think you and I have similar viewpoints.

Punishing and failing to listen or consider what caused the behaviour may well backfire and result in further bad behaviour.

Suggesting that the 11 year old is going to turn into a criminal is ridiculous.

No one should be kicked but my goodness some of the responses on here!

bigbird1969 · 18/02/2021 15:25

Lashed out? Are folks not reading the OP? He kicked his mother hard and then two further times and threatened to smash up her laptop. My DS lashed out at me when he was 13 when i was touching something in his room. He was mortified and apologised. He didnt continue to lash out and state he was going to damage my priority.

Lweji · 18/02/2021 15:28

That seems like a bad family dynamic, from your OP.

Is this the first time he's lashed out physically or with threats?

Have you talked to him about the long term consequences of physical violence, particularly within the family?

Do you not usually listen to his point of view?
Of course he channelled his frustration is the wrong way, but he seems frustrated at not being listened to, even if you disagreed with him. Do you think he feels valued?

Education should be more than lashing out punishments.

Bluntness100 · 18/02/2021 15:28

Is there a back story here? Does he have additional needs or is he witnessing violence at home? Physically assaulting you is serious. At 11 he knows exactly what he’s doing. I’m afraid my punishment would have been much much harsher. What’s he going to grow up to do, beat his partners when they don’t agree with him? His work colleagues? For me this would be a learning moment he’d never forget.

Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 18/02/2021 15:29

He's really done a number on you, OP. He threatens to break your laptop and then kicks you three times, then gets you to feel bad about it? These are not the actions of a child who respects their mother. You are not there to be a friend, you are there to parent him, and to make it clear what is and is not acceptable behaviour. If he's doing this now, will he still do it at 12? 14? 16? When will he stop doing this, do you think, if he's already quite good at making his victims feel like they have done something wrong because that's what he's decided? He should be utterly mortified that he's done this to you, not sulking or plotting revenge because you dared to get cross when he kicked you.
It's hard to add on a punishment now as it happened days ago but I'd make it pretty bloody clear that it's not to happen again, and what will happen if if does. And you need to follow through with it too.

pepsicolagirl · 18/02/2021 15:30

@lifeturnsonadime

Earrings i think you and I have similar viewpoints.

Punishing and failing to listen or consider what caused the behaviour may well backfire and result in further bad behaviour.

Suggesting that the 11 year old is going to turn into a criminal is ridiculous.

No one should be kicked but my goodness some of the responses on here!

what caused the behaviour is a child who needs to be parented. Trying to say that anything other than his temper is the issue is playing a dangerous game in terms of future escalation of his behaviour. Maybe not with this woman but the next.. Trying to say he did it out of frustration because he cares is problematic