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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To convert my DS's former bedroom into a dining room now they are at Uni?

411 replies

tulip68 · 16/02/2021 13:35

NC for this as outing.
My son is at uni as of September. He is only an hour away but lives in student accommodation. His former bedroom is downstairs to the back of the house, the house is quite small and we could really use that space as a family room or dining room. I think DS expects me to keep his room for him so he can visit us and his friends, ect once the rules are relaxed again. AIBU to convert the room into a dining room and say he can sleep on the sofa when he visits in future? My other DC is keen to have an extra room to eat/relax in.

OP posts:
Original poster
tulip68 · 16/02/2021 14:12

@AintPageantMaterial

Even with a year long lease, most university students would return home for Christmas, Easter and the summer. That’s about a month at Christmas, a month over Easter and nearly 3 months in the summer. If you want to send the signal to your DS that he is not ever going to be welcome for an extended stay again then go ahead. But you are clearly saying that, from now on, you regard him as an occasional overnight guest and not a member of the household. Personally, I think it’s a god-awful way to treat a child but we don’t know the relationship. Perhaps you feel it is right for your family to draw this line but you haven’t posted anything that would justify that. If your point is that you don’t want him in your home, say so. If your point is that he’s a good kid but you just really want a table, then don’t do it because it’s an appalling way to treat a family member.
I did ask for my keys back in September after he showed up unannounced one night with a friend and they had clearly been drinking. So there are some issues there too.
OP posts:
Same4Walls · 16/02/2021 14:12

I don't know why people are confused about shared house not being only term time.

Yes a shared house will enable him to stay every week of the year compared to uni accommodation which is term time but in reality when the uni breaks for a holiday then students tend to go home.

BrilliantBetty · 16/02/2021 14:13

I would definitely not do this.

If you need extra room could you re-jig it in to a study room / bedroom, rather than actually replacing his bedroom.

Sparklingbrook · 16/02/2021 14:13

Oh so he has no bedroom and no key now. Sad

SirSamuelVimes · 16/02/2021 14:13

Depends what he's planning in terms of living at uni / living at home. I went away to uni and never went "home" for more than a few nights. I had a job at uni, lived in shared houses so had no issues with accommodation (12 month contracts) and only went back to my parents' house to visit them, for two or three nights at a time. If he intends to do the same, then it's fine. If he is planning to come back over the summers and for a good chunk of the Christmas and Easter breaks, then he should still have a room.

Thehawki · 16/02/2021 14:14

He will be back for two months in the summer. Why don’t you ask him and see what he thinks about moving him out? If you think he’s moved out then I guess you’re getting rid of him for good now. That means he won’t stay for more than a weekend ever again as he has no room, he won’t have anywhere to go that is home in the summer holidays either so will probably go elsewhere.

Is there any chance you could put a Murphy bed in his room and a small folding dining table in? That way you can fold the dining table away and he has a room for the couple months a year he needs it.

Sparklingbrook · 16/02/2021 14:14

@Same4Walls

I don't know why people are confused about shared house not being only term time.

Yes a shared house will enable him to stay every week of the year compared to uni accommodation which is term time but in reality when the uni breaks for a holiday then students tend to go home.

Yes DS1 has a private rental/houseshare and he can stay there all the time, but at Christmas he came home and (fingers crossed) he'll be home at Easter.
Original poster
tulip68 · 16/02/2021 14:15

@Sparklingbrook

Oh so he has no bedroom and no key now. Sad
He showed up drunk with a friend expecting them to both stay the night! I don't think aibu on that one.
OP posts:
Freddiefox · 16/02/2021 14:15

Wow, why are you phishing him away? I’m curious, where is his dad on all this?

He old are his siblings. Do you want a relationship with him. There has to be a back story here.

Naijamama · 16/02/2021 14:15

Don't do it. My parents did this and even had a family vote in my absence to decide. I was in my first year, and not allowed to stay in halls. Needless to say a five week Easter Break on the sofa was unpleasant, and I felt very unwelcome. I was really upset to find they had also shoved all my stuff into bin bags (in my absence) and put it all in the garage for me to sort through durimg the holidays. I avoided going home again after that. My family didn't understand what my problem was. I still avoid staying at their house.

MissyB1 · 16/02/2021 14:16

Sounds like he’s better off away from home anyway, doesn’t exactly sound like you want him around.

Sparklingbrook · 16/02/2021 14:16

He showed up drunk with a friend expecting them to both stay the night! I don't think aibu on that one.

That's quite normal teenage behaviour IMO, did you kick them both back out?
I would have let the friend sleep on the sofa. Blush

SirSamuelVimes · 16/02/2021 14:17

He will be back for two months in the summer.

Not necessarily. I never went home for summers, and nor did many of my friends. We had jobs, we had houses, we had friends all around us, we had a brilliant city full of fun on our doorstep. We were adults. We had no intention of going home to spend two months living with our parents again!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 16/02/2021 14:17

@tulip68

Where will all his stuff go? In the bin?

No, ofcourse not. We have storage up in the attic, I am happy to store his belongings for him.

That’s generous of you Hmm
Same4Walls · 16/02/2021 14:17

He showed up drunk with a friend expecting them to both stay the night! I don't think aibu on that one.

Hes 18 and had just started uni he made a mistake that doesn't mean you take away his house keys and only allow him back home if he sleeps on the sofa.

HerMammy · 16/02/2021 14:18

Turning up with a drunk pal is hardly a crime, probably most teens have done this and their parents allowed them in, not took their keys off them!
You sound very uptight.

Frozenintime · 16/02/2021 14:18

I could not do this to my son . It's his bedroom

Sparklingbrook · 16/02/2021 14:20

@SirSamuelVimes

He will be back for two months in the summer.

Not necessarily. I never went home for summers, and nor did many of my friends. We had jobs, we had houses, we had friends all around us, we had a brilliant city full of fun on our doorstep. We were adults. We had no intention of going home to spend two months living with our parents again!

In his first year DS1 came home for the summer, he packed his room in halls up in the June IIRC and arranged his houseshare for Year 2 to start in the September. The next two years he had a PT job so he came home a lot less but all the people he shared with went home for the summer. In his circle it was more the norm to go home for the summer.
JemimaTiggywinkle · 16/02/2021 14:20

It’s probably worth considering that your actions on this now, at the very start of his adult life, are likely to have a big influence on his relationship with you for the rest of your life.

Redglitter · 16/02/2021 14:20

I did ask for my keys back in September

Ffs you really don't like him do you

marvinscarpark · 16/02/2021 14:21

YABU. It's his home and he won't be at university all year. We unexpectedly had my DC home from university last year when we thought they'd be away until May. It was lovely to have them back, what if we hadn't had a bedroom for them?

Now they have graduated and have their own flat but they still have a bedroom here and will as long as I live here. It's not a large house and the space would be useful but it's their home and I've always said that there will always be a bedroom for them to come home to if the shit hits the fan.

BluntAndToThePoint80 · 16/02/2021 14:21

I don’t see anything too unusual about a uni age person having one too many to drink with his / her mates and coming home to sleep it off. Better than them passing out in a gutter somewhere or going somewhere unsafe. Surely your house should always be his safe place. I’m not saying I’d encourage the behaviour, but that’s a separate issue from keeping my children safe first and foremost.

I do think it’s unusual however to demand your keys back and effectively kick him out for essentially coming home after a night out, even if he was a bit too drunk.

amusedbush · 16/02/2021 14:22

You mean you asked for HIS keys. To his home.

When people go off to university they generally come back for holidays but you've basically booted him out of his home. But hey, at least you're generous enough to box up your teenager's belongings and stick them in the loft.

Potplant · 16/02/2021 14:22

My first term at Uni my mum took stripped everything I didn’t take with me to the charity shop. I was left with a couple of boxes of things they wouldn’t take. I’ve never forgotten feeling like I didn’t really have my room anymore.

Has he told you he doesn’t intend to live with you ever again? Most students come home for the summer.

LeopardPrintTits · 16/02/2021 14:23

If you did this, I think you’d have a serious chance of ruining your relationship with him forever, but everything you’ve said makes it sound like you don’t care about him anyway! Confused

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