To convert my DS's former bedroom into a dining room now they are at Uni?

[tulip68]

NC for this as outing.
My son is at uni as of September. He is only an hour away but lives in student accommodation. His former bedroom is downstairs to the back of the house, the house is quite small and we could really use that space as a family room or dining room. I think DS expects me to keep his room for him so he can visit us and his friends, ect once the rules are relaxed again. AIBU to convert the room into a dining room and say he can sleep on the sofa when he visits in future? My other DC is keen to have an extra room to eat/relax in.

Really Bad Idea 👎.

Why have you taken his key?!

YABVVU

Ooooh no! He needs a room - I'd do it at the end of his course when he's renting a home properly - my room was decorated and I was ad about that but it was ok, I went back for a few months each year and 6 months at the end - couldn't have done that on a sofa I'd have been gutted

Unless there is a massive back story to come you are being very unreasonable to effectively leave your son with a sofa option he has to knock to get into. Don't you want him home? To know he is always loved and welcome. To this day I still have my key for my parents house.

At a push perhaps make it into a guest room?

This entire thread makes an assumption that everyone who attends uni comes from a stable, comfortable home where not only did that student have their own bedroom, but there’s enough room and money to keep their bedroom on hold for when they return. I know plenty of people who didn’t have this set up and still achieved a degree. Either they permanently moved out and worked in the holidays, or they stayed with friends or other relatives where there was more room. I have one friend whose parents had lodgers when they left for uni. Any parent who gets their child to university should feel really proud in my opinion and not be shamed for their living situation.

Some of the comments towards the OP on this thread are disgusting. Just because she wants a dining room for her family now her son is an adult.

The op did mention that she left home at 16 so that might have influenced her decision a bit. She didn't mention the circumstances as to why she left home so early.

Something similar happened to my friend except it was her stepdad who changed her room into his study. He made it very clear that she wasn't welcome after she left home for uni.

Now both her mum & stepdad need help as they're elderly and my friend hasn't forgotten. She does the absolute bare minimum for her mum as she has forgiven her for being col & distant.

@Meredithgrey1

Could you use the room for storage instead to then create more room in the rest of the house maybe? Generally I think when people go to uni their room shouldn’t be reserved if, for example, there is another child at home in a smaller room. But this would be getting rid of a bedroom entirely which I do think is quite different. Or, while your DS is at uni, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to allow your other child to use it as a tv room, without properly converting it, and with the understanding that when DS is back from uni it goes back to being his room

100pc

Yabu, he is at uni and hasn't moved out properly. Once he really moves out and gets a proper home of his own then fine. Not while he is at uni though. He will feel like he no longer has a 'base' or home.

Prop the bed and mattress up against the wall and make space for a table that way?

I’m sorry, I can’t get over the fact that you asked for your key back.

I have a turbulent relationship with my parents, I haven’t lived with them for 13 years, and often feel very unwelcome in their home, whilst my (adult) siblings who still live there are treated like the second coming of Christ and are waited on hand and foot. I am without a doubt the least favourite child and I know it.

They’ve still never asked for their keys back.

I personally think you are getting quite a hard time. It sounds like living space is really restrictive atm. I think some people on mumsnet don't realise that not everyone lives in 5 bedroom home with 3 bathroom and 3 reception rooms plus a conservatory 🤦🏼‍♀️

I think a good idea if space permitted would be to have a fold up bed and a drop leaf table. Whilst ds is away you and the rest of your family can make use of the room with somewhere to eat your meals and when ds is home the table folds and his bed folds.

@krustykittens

plutoh Nope, not harsh at all to want to use the room when he is not there. I think what people found harsh was the suggestion that he sleep on a sofa when he is home and his stuff is stored in the attic. A home he has no keys to.

This,

Some posters have missed the point spectacularly. Using the room when he’s away and making sure it’s his room when he’s back is fine.

Taking the keys off your teen who recently started uni, turning his bedroom into a dining room and telling him he can sleep on the sofa if he comes back to visit, is what people are taking issue with. He’s not moved out. It should remain his home for the duration of uni, for weekends and holidays, and as he sees fit.

Uni students tend to go home a lot, the holidays are long. Supposing he is struggling a bit at uni in the future or isn’t well. He needs a base he can call home until he moves out for good.

As for they key . Unless there’s another story about him being aggressive or violent when he turned up drunk with a mate, then I think that’s completely out of order. It’s very normal for teens to go out for a few too many drinks and crash out at home with a friend(s). I actually miss that during this pandemic ... I used to get out of bed, put the kettle on, make a mound of toast and have the most amazing conversations with these fab young people.

You could create may like a multi purpose room. Office/storage/bedroom for DS or guests.

We have the IKEA day bed (hemnes) and it's a comfortable bed and looks cool as a sofa with lots of cushions.

I think your actions now will determine your future relationship with him. I guess it depends what you value more: a dining room table or your relationship with your son.

I have three children, all adults now snd the youngest still at uni.

This is far too soon to convert his room. Yes, he may have only come home a few times this year, but this year was unusual. The D.C. comes home a lot more and one year may not be the same as the next year. Then you have what happens when uni is over.

My two eldest DC we’re back and forth for years. One coming back to live for two years following living elsewhere for uni abd a year abroad. When he did move out, it was short lived as the house share didn’t work out and he was back in two weeks. The middle is back again after having a London bed sit for 6 months. Sofa surfing isn’t really supporting them if they need to come home.

If your other D.C. need some extra discs, make it clear the room is still your child’s bedroom but while they’re away, the others can use it for studying etc. Ensure any of their things put away in the room to avoid squabbling.

My son is 23, married and in the Air Force. His old room(upstairs) has been fully redecorated and refurnished as a spare/guest room. He still refers to it as his room, jokingly. But I think its a bit harsh.
If you're other dc want this downstairs apace, would they consider sharing with your ds when he visits?

If he is in the Air Force, no doubt they have provided him with a home. He does not need yours. As he is married is it a very different scenario. He is also not 18 and had the keys taken away. The OP seems very controlling. If you want a dining room that is not used much but can only provide a cheap sofa bed for DS, that seems very harsh. Wait until he moves out. I guess it wont be long. He must feel replaced by a table.

Even if students have a 12 month lease they rarely stay at uni over the summer while all of their friends go home. I was literally at home for half the year when I was at uni, but still paying for my uni accommodation over summer/Easter/Christmas.

@Whammyyammy

My son is 23, married and in the Air Force. His old room(upstairs) has been fully redecorated and refurnished as a spare/guest room. He still refers to it as his room, jokingly. But I think its a bit harsh. If you're other dc want this downstairs apace, would they consider sharing with your ds when he visits?

There’s a gulf of difference between a married man who has left home and a teenager in his first year of uni.

@1Morewineplease

If you convert his bedroom, his safe haven, then you'll regret it, ultimately.

From reading the OP's posts it doesn't much seem like it's ever been his safe haven but I hope I'm wrong on that score.

I was wondering that. What relationship does the OP actually have with her son? It really does not sound loving.

This is why many working class kids are fucked. It's not just that parents don't know what to do, it's the simmering resentment that many working class parents feel when their children dare to live out childhood and adolescence instead of going down the (metaphorical) mines.

OP's anger comes through very clearly. I know so many WC kids whose parents undermined them endlessly like this. Making them pay for daring to not drop out of school and just s**t out kid after kid at 16 like they did.

If you didn't have a childhood, someone else enjoying theirs is offensive. Mumsnet is full of mums like this.

I left my WC home at 18 to go to uni (early 70's) - it would have NEVER occurred to me to have gone back, apart from a brief visit, from that point on. Yes, there were room constraints, two bed house with 4 DC, different ages & sexes, the youngest (twin boys) were in with my dps until they were about 6 and dsis & I had left home.

More importantly, for me it was a real right of passage - I couldn't wait - I was an adult, I'd moved to my Uni city, had friends, a life, a shared room in a house (yes we shared rooms in those days, to save money. My roommate from then is still a good friend). I got bar jobs one summer etc.

My own, middle class, DC came back after Uni but I'm not sure it was better for them, I was far more independent in my mid 20's than they were.