To convert my DS's former bedroom into a dining room now they are at Uni?

[tulip68]

NC for this as outing.
My son is at uni as of September. He is only an hour away but lives in student accommodation. His former bedroom is downstairs to the back of the house, the house is quite small and we could really use that space as a family room or dining room. I think DS expects me to keep his room for him so he can visit us and his friends, ect once the rules are relaxed again. AIBU to convert the room into a dining room and say he can sleep on the sofa when he visits in future? My other DC is keen to have an extra room to eat/relax in.

So you think he'll only be home for a few nights?

I think I wouldn't go home at all if I felt so unwelcome.

[quote tulip68]@SoupDragon
His lease runs until the end of August. It's a shared house. Sofa is okay are afew nights.. surely 🤔[/quote]
So basically you've decided he's left home for good and cannot come home for the holidays?

Not a chance I'd be doing this at this point. He's part-way through his first year and you've no idea if he wants to come home for the holidays as the pandemic has made the first part of uni downright odd for many students.

Wait until the summer and then speak to your DS

Why the actual fuck didn't you tell your 18 year old this when he went off for his first (or second) term at university?

Do you not have conversations?

Next time you come home, dear, you'll be on the sofa and your personal belongings in the loft. Hurry back, now!

What happens if uni doesn’t work out for him? He has not moved out, he’s just studying elsewhere for a time.

Speak to him first at least

Ideally I would wait until he's finished university. But if you literally don't have space for a dining table anywhere at the moment then I agree that it sounds like space is really pressured. Could you talk to him about it to gauge whether he'd be very upset? Or could you get some IKEA convertible furniture (folding dining table and chairs, folding bed) so that you can turn it back into a bedroom when he is home but have it as a dining room when he is not?

I have no idea what you’re saying. Most students are only in student accommodation during term time. Are you saying he’s going to stay there permanently and not come home in the holidays?

I think you need to make it very clear to hit op that you consider him as having moved out not just gone away to Uni and that this is no longer his home. Otherwise he'll be thinking he's welcome to come back to his home whenever he wants.

My mum did me a favour by downsizing when I moved to uni, and getting rid of any space for me to sleep (even the sofa was taken up by the dog...).

She ensured I never stayed with her again for longer than 3 days.

I turned DS's room into a sewing room when he left for Uni, but have been thwarted by Lockdown. He came home for Christmas and is still here. No idea when he's likely to return. Luckily his bed is as he left it, and my sewing stuff packs away behind his TV and Xbox, but now I can't do any sewing until he's back in halls.
I'm quite jealous that your Uni student got to return to campus, lots weren't able to.

He has moved out

You've certainly achieved that. Does your son know yet?

He has moved out.

I think there's a huge misconception from some parents when young adults go to uni. It's not at all the same as actually moving out and the vast majority will come home for holidays and the long summer break and many more will return after completing their courses.

You've managed thus far without using your sons room as a dining room so it seems incredibly petty to chuck everything into boxes clear out his room and now use it to eat in just because he's gone to uni.

Oh blimey. DS1 is in his 4th year of Uni now. He lives in a private rental but and his bedroom here is just as he left it, except I now use it to do the ironing in and store some clutter.

His bookshelves are still full of his books, his wardrobe half full of his clothes and other belongings.

When he moves out for good he can take it all with him.

That said, I don't desperately need the space for anything though, and when we're allowed overnight guests again they can use that room.

Well, if you want to make him feel unwelcome and not come home for visits, and certainly not come back to live at home after Uni, then crack on.

I wouldn't do that to my child.

You sound very cold. Do you not like your child?

I think best to keep his room for him if you can, or use it as a family room in his absence, but still keep his bed

However, eating on your lap isn't great. Could you fit a table (a wall-mounted folding table?) into the sitting room, even if that means changing your sitting room furniture for smaller furniture

How is this outing?

I would speak to him and sound him out. When I went to uni my mum moved house to the other side of the country so I had no option. I stayed in my uni accommodation all year round. It didn't really bother me as I had moved away and was living 4 hours drive from old home but if I was living nearer I think I would have appreciated some input in the decision.

Could you not put some kind of day bed in the room along with a dining table (or whatever) with the proviso that when he comes home in the holidays etc, it’s his with sole use. It’s still his home so that’s what I’d do at the least.
My parents kept my bedroom for me until I was about 24, a good year or so after I finished university and had settled into my career. But if you don’t have a huge amount of space the above suggestion seems like a fair compromise.

@catinbootsx

How is this outing?

I did wonder that TBF.

Next time you come home, dear, you'll be on the sofa and your personal belongings in the loft. Hurry back, now!

Makes you all warm and fuzzy inside, doesn't it?

Even with a year long lease, most university students would return home for Christmas, Easter and the summer. That’s about a month at Christmas, a month over Easter and nearly 3 months in the summer.
If you want to send the signal to your DS that he is not ever going to be welcome for an extended stay again then go ahead. But you are clearly saying that, from now on, you regard him as an occasional overnight guest and not a member of the household.
Personally, I think it’s a god-awful way to treat a child but we don’t know the relationship. Perhaps you feel it is right for your family to draw this line but you haven’t posted anything that would justify that. If your point is that you don’t want him in your home, say so. If your point is that he’s a good kid but you just really want a table, then don’t do it because it’s an appalling way to treat a family member.

I’d say that’s quite harsh. Everyone I knew returned home for the holidays... because that’s what it was. It’s only really when you get a job and rent/buy your own place that I think things change.

If you’re really that desperate for space that you can’t wait 3 years (to check he in fact stays and finishes uni as many don’t, but also doesn’t need/want to move back home for any reason) then at least discuss it with your son and say you’ll be putting a table in there but getting/keeping a bed for him and will swap the room back over for him when he is home.

I don't know why people are confused about shared house not being only term time.

Speak with the child. If they plan on not moving back, why not. But. With a possibility to make it back into a bedroom if they needed it

@tulip68 does your son consider himself to have left home, or just moved out for uni?

Have that conversation with him, otherwise he will forever feel that you've 'thrown him out' because frankly a sofa to sleep on is only one step above not having anywhere to live.

Personally I'd be deciding based on that conversation rather than what internet folk think.

I am happy to store his belongings
that’s pretty cold 🙄 he’s only been away a few months.
You’ve ate on your laps all this time but the minute your DS is away clear his room??
Do 3 ppl need an extra living/dining room?