To convert my DS's former bedroom into a dining room now they are at Uni?

[tulip68]

NC for this as outing.
My son is at uni as of September. He is only an hour away but lives in student accommodation. His former bedroom is downstairs to the back of the house, the house is quite small and we could really use that space as a family room or dining room. I think DS expects me to keep his room for him so he can visit us and his friends, ect once the rules are relaxed again. AIBU to convert the room into a dining room and say he can sleep on the sofa when he visits in future? My other DC is keen to have an extra room to eat/relax in.

I commented before the key thing.
Does he even want to live there...

YABU. It's still his home. The Uni accommodation is term time only and temporary. Way to make your DS feel pushed out.

Once I moved away to uni, I was mostly gone for the year. I stayed over the summer and worked there for second year.

That being said I still came for about 3 weeks at Christmas, a week at Easter all 3 years, summer in the first year and also probably about a month in second year summer, despite working. Also weekends when there was a family event or my friends from home were going out at home. I also came back for a couple of months when I finished in my third year before I got a job and moved out. My mum converting my bedroom would have meant I had no home and had to sleep on the sofa for two months after finishing uni. And I was the first one of my group to get a graduate job. Your son could be longer than a couple of months before he gets a job, through no fault of his own. He might struggle to get a MW job as he will be “overqualified” and struggle to a graduate job. You’ll be forcing him out, when he has no means of supporting himself. And sleeping on the couch isn’t going to conducive to him doing his best in interviews.

Despite moving out for uni, my mum’s still remained my home. It’s where the walls were painted in a colour I wanted (and my mum approved). It’s the place where my mum bought a bed with my comfort in mind, not just shoving the cheapest bed into the room. It’s where my family was and where I could return to if uni was too overwhelming or life got hard or family emergencies happened.

I think as far as the OP is concerned, her DS has now left home & will not be returning except for the odd visit. She will be storing his possessions until he requests them.
It might seem brutal but that is how some parents view it.
Certainly when I was a student with grants, no fees, manageable living costs & easy to walk into a graduate job as there were so few students, I had friends who left home for uni & never went back because it was easy to do so.
Nowadays life as a student & graduate is far harsher & I think turning the DS's bedroom into something else is premature especially with the effect Covid is having on our lives, the economy & the job market.
He might be ok up until next August but after that, who knows?

(And before anyone asks, my childhood bedroom remained my room at my parents until the house was sold when I was 35!)

Gosh if this is real it’s very sad, who thinks as they have went to uni they have moved out? He’s still your child. You sound like you’re thinking good riddance. You’re removing the choice to come back for summers. I can’t believe you even took his key off him rather than talk to him.

You do you op. But I’m glad you’re not my parent. I bet you’ll also be the parent in a few years complaining your son wants nothing to do with you and you never see your grandkids.

YABU. Given in normal times most students are back over christmas, easter, summer and sometimes after graduation.

You sound very mean spirited, mind already set and intent on doing this. So go ahead but don't expect DS to be happy about this. If my parents did this to me I wouldn't forgive them. Literally cast out the house because I decided to go to a university.

I was ready to say YANBU because my mum gave up her bedroom for me in my final year of 6th form, so when I moved out for uni it went back to being room, while the other bedroom remained my sibling's room. I didn't really come back for holidays much anyway - I worked in my uni town so I stayed there for work. But I just slept on the sofa bed my mum had in the living room when I was home - no bother, didn't feel pushed out, the space in our small council house was needed.

But my mum would never, ever have turned me away in the middle of the night and she always wanted me home for the holidays, even if I didn't go much cos I was busy being Miss Independent.

If the room is so small you can't fit a single bed and dining table for four,it's not going to make a significant extra living or dining space. Perhaps use it as the TV room while your son's at uni. Push the bed against a wall or under the window. Add cushions and use it to sit on. Get a folding or drop leaf table for the lounge.

It was more the fact he'd brought someone else back. I don't want random drunk teenagers in my house during a pandemic.

Your son's friend isn't a random drunk teenager. I have a 19 year old and a 21 year old DS and I am struggling to see any logic here.

I don't want random drunk teenagers in my house during a pandemic

You don’t even want yout own teenager when sober in your home at normal times.

I have a feeling the poor lad won’t be back.
My DD2 has her own flat, is in 3rd year but still comes for stays, came for 10 weeks of first lockdown rather than be alone, it’s her home I’d never turn her away plus she’s a great cleaner 🤣🤣

@tulip68 - if you are eating off your lap then you should absolutely have a chat with them and convert it. When I left my parents first offered my room to my sibling as it was bigger (sibling didnt want to swap) so my parents converted it into an office (both worked from home) and I stayed on the sofa in the living room. It wasnt great but honestly our house was too small to keep rooms empty for no reason

My room mate's parents did this - converted her bedroom to a home office, got rid of the bed, and put all her stuff in the loft. She was upset and felt like they didn't want to see her. I would have been upset too, especially in my first year, as I was unhappy and considering dropping out and wouldn't want to think I would be homeless.

I'd say leave it until at least the start of the next academic year. See what happens over summer and, if he doesn't come home much, have the conversation with him then. Please discuss with him, don't just do it. Presumably you've been happy enough to put up with your living arrangements up to now and so you can stick it out for another seven months or so.

OP, did you move out and go to uni yourself? I’m guessing not.

Most students don’t see their uni accommodation as ‘home’ - home is where your family is and your bedroom and all the belongings you didn’t take to uni. Student accommodation is just where you stay during term time - everyone goes home for the holidays and student areas are usually completely deserted at these times. Even if his lease is up until August, I can guarantee the majority of his friends will have gone home long before then, and he’ll want to as well.

So he hasn’t properly ‘moved out’ yet, I wouldn’t say. He’s just away temporarily for uni. It would be unfair to completely convert the room and take away his bed etc.

He showed up drunk with a friend expecting them both to stay the night ! I don’t think aibu on that one.

Yes, yes you are. What did you want them to do, sleep under a bridge?

You are going to drive your child away, your attitude towards them is so cold and unloving.

If you do this, he'll very likely never stay with you again. Is that what you want, though? What about your other child? Do the two of them get on, or does the other child want him to move out too?

My parents put a double bed in my room and turned my brother's bedroom into an office once we had officially left home. I always felt this was to get back at me for refusing to move back after uni.

You sound delightful.

No doubt you'll be on here in a few years complaining that you rarely see your grandchildren because your son doesn't call with them.

I have 2 adult 'children' - one is in uni and the other moved out 3 years ago. Both their bedrooms are still theirs. This is still their home and they come and go as they please. This is the home they grew up in and they know it will always be their safe place. BTW - my house is far from a mansion - it's a typical 3 bed semi.

As for turning up drunk with a friend, expecting to stay. When DS was younger I often woke up in the morning with half a dozen big hairy young fellas asleep in my living room. Did I take my DS's key? No, I usually fried up a load of sausages and rashers and told them help themselves!

I'm glad you're not my parent OP. You sound very cold.

I think you're getting a hard time here, OP.

It's all well and good to say that parents should keep their uni-age children's rooms empty for them-- if that space is not needed by the people who actually live in the house full-time. However, OP has explained that the house is small, and it sounds like they may really need the space. In that case, it would be silly to leave a perfectly good room unused for the bulk of the year.

If you expect your son to be staying in the home for extended periods of time, it's more difficult. I'd try to come up with a solution where he wouldn't be sleeping on the sofa for weeks. Maybe a collapsible table and chairs that can traded out for a nice air bed when he's home?

YABU. If my parents had done that I would have assumed they didn’t want me to come home.

I had a very unwelcoming bedroom/corridor to come back to during uni holidays. Leaving uni was a very vulnerable time for me, op did you go to uni? what did your parents do about it when you were young? I ended up making hasty stupid choices because I so didn't want to go home.

my dad didn't go to uni and therefore didn't have much of a clue about what I needed.

We were in the same situation with bedrooms, I did it gradually with consultation with the oldest dc, she's now ok with it at 23 and understands her bedroom was badly needed!

Maybe you can try a gradual approach, kids might not be able to leave as a clean break these days.

This is so sad, I was feeling guilty at the prospect of asking my uni fresher ds to share his room with a sibling when he comes back for holidays as we have 3 sharing a room and it didn't make sense to have an empty room, I still stressed that there would always be a bed for him here and we could reassess at any time. I also decided to wait until after his first semester just in case things didn't work out.
As it is none of that has happened and he has been here since Christmas- I'm more than happy to have him.
Because I love him and he will always have a home with me.

There's nothing worse than feeling unwanted by your own family.
Please don't do this, you won't be able to fix your relationship afterwards

You should have used the 'vote' option on this OP, I think you'd see clearly that the majority of people think you're being unreasonable. It's up to you though, and you seem to have already made up your mind. For what it's worth, I think YABVU.

Op. As a pp said. Just own the fact you’re itching to kick your child out.

I always wonder when people do this, if they look back to being pregnant, how happy they maybe felt, when they held that little babys hand. When they watched them toddle round. When they fed them. And how fast forward 18 years and how poorly they treat them.