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AIBU?

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Original poster

To convert my DS's former bedroom into a dining room now they are at Uni?

411 replies

tulip68 · 16/02/2021 13:35

NC for this as outing.
My son is at uni as of September. He is only an hour away but lives in student accommodation. His former bedroom is downstairs to the back of the house, the house is quite small and we could really use that space as a family room or dining room. I think DS expects me to keep his room for him so he can visit us and his friends, ect once the rules are relaxed again. AIBU to convert the room into a dining room and say he can sleep on the sofa when he visits in future? My other DC is keen to have an extra room to eat/relax in.

OP posts:
GirlInterruptedAgain · 16/02/2021 16:30

You asked FOR THE KEY BACK!!!! Your practically kicking him out of his home!! So he can’t visit now as your child he is a guest?! My home is my kids home. Always will be. Always open to them whenever they want. There will always be a safe space for them here. I think your being rather unreasonable. He hasn’t ‘moved out’. He’s continuing his education. You sound quite mean op, I’m sorry. I would never turn my kids away. I still have a key to MY PARENTS’ house. Cos I’ll always be able to be there. Feel quite sorry for your son tbh Shock

Meggymoo777 · 16/02/2021 16:30

I'm 33, haven't lived at home since I was 17yrs old, parents bought a new house in the last 6yrs and I still have a bedroom at their house. Mum recently redecorated it for me, has bought linen, PJs, toothbrushes etc for when I'm there (and for my DS) They gave me keys the minute they moved in, I can come and go as I please, we all consider their home our family home. I'd be gutted if I'd gone to uni and they'd gotten rid of my room and put my stuff in the attic.

Kinneddar · 16/02/2021 16:34

NC for this as outing

No.its really not even remotely outing 🙄

IHaveBrilloHair · 16/02/2021 16:37

My parents moved hundreds of miles away when I went to Uni.
Both dead now and I'm in my 40's, but I'll never forget it or forgive it really.
I chose a Uni 5 hours away that was one thing, nine hours was a whole different ball game.

JustLyra · 16/02/2021 16:40

@Kinneddar

NC for this as outing

No.its really not even remotely outing 🙄

To be fair, it might actually be outing given the shitty hand the DS has been dealt with the key and his room.
intheenddoesitreallymatter · 16/02/2021 16:46

I did ask for my keys back in September

You lost all my sympathy here - he's your eighteen year old son. Do you really want him to feel like this isn't his home or make him unwelcome? Because you're doing an excellent job of achieving that!

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 16/02/2021 16:47

I ended up not going home and staying at friends' parents' homes That amused me; always a brilliant way to wind up parents, especially if they don't like the parents concerned.
I used to go and stay with the mother of a school friend that my Mum only ever referred to as "that woman that wears jeans" - we'd been friends since 12, always in and out of each others' houses, and I was in my 30s.

Room for a folding or gateleg table and a sofabed or zedbed?

Tubs11 · 16/02/2021 16:50

Why don't you talk to your son to see how he feels about it and get his say on the matter. Make it clear that its a no go if he wants to keep the room
FYI - My bedroom was converted into a bathroom when i went to uni and it didn't bother me one bit. As long as there was a bed to sleep in, dinner and a warm welcome from the family I was happy

oscarmum20 · 16/02/2021 16:58

@Siepie and I used to stay/live with my partner from my second year of undergrad onwards...but it's not really about that is it.It's about whether or not parents having to use their own space in the house automatically means they dont love their kids or that their kids will interpret it that way. My only point is a) not everyone has the privilege to keep spare rooms, b) not every 18 year old interprets things the same way

Bluntness100 · 16/02/2021 16:58

@Tubs11

Why don't you talk to your son to see how he feels about it and get his say on the matter. Make it clear that its a no go if he wants to keep the room FYI - My bedroom was converted into a bathroom when i went to uni and it didn't bother me one bit. As long as there was a bed to sleep in, dinner and a warm welcome from the family I was happy
She’s already said that in thr op, he expects the room to be kept.
nervalslobster · 16/02/2021 17:05

You really don't have a clue do you? I always came home for the Christmas and Easter holidays, and the odd weekend home during term time. Summers I worked away, but there was always a room for me. My parents moved house at the end of my third year, but I also had "my" bedroom in their new house. Up until they died I always knew that there was a bed for me if I were to turn up on their doorstep.
A friend's son is missing - he is safe, they just don't know where he is - major mental health problems. They still have "his" room for him.
Don't be surprised if he rarely visits in future.

TheLaughingGenome · 16/02/2021 17:05

i actually think that a lot of people on this thread should check your privilege. It's all very well to say that kids go off to uni and come back etc to save for deposits and isnt it all lovely.

I didn't say that. I asked if the OP was going to bin her son's belongings and she said they'd be put in the attic.

Velvian · 16/02/2021 17:08

When Ds1 went to uni, DD & DS2 were sharing a room, but it did not occur to me to let one of them have his room. He was home on weekend and holidays. Since uni he has moved back full time.

42goingon90 · 16/02/2021 17:08

Turn it into a dining room then make your room into your DS's room and sleep on the couch yourself

ReggaetonLente · 16/02/2021 17:15

My parents moved a lodger in when i left for uni at 18 and when i came home i had to sleep in the living room.

I stopped coming home...

SleepingStandingUp · 16/02/2021 17:16

i actually think that a lot of people on this thread should check your privilege. It's all very well to say that kids go off to uni and come back etc to save for deposits and isnt it all lovely. Well have you considered that some people might not have the space or the money tohave boomerang kids that for some parents it is a choice between their kids having a dining table or not or those parents who would ask their adult kids for rent because they cant afford the mortgage.*
No issue with op telling DS he needs to chip in for food and bills whilst he's at home as she's lost any benefits for him, but she's not kicking him out to save rent and downsize, but because she wants a dining table. In actual fact if she's getting housing benefit kicking him out may affect how much she gets as she'll only get what would cover a 3 bed not a 4 bed

PresentingPercy · 16/02/2021 17:20

The DS will stop coming home, won't he? I loved having DDs back here in the holidays. they worked but they loved home comforts. I rrally do not get this idea that you throw them out at 18. It does not seem nurturing or loving. Recipe for distaster I think. What 18 year old wants to sleep on a couch for months? This sounds like it all about money. Do you want rent OP?

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 16/02/2021 17:20

Your DS hasn’t “moved out” he’s gone to university. Our DD came home for the summer every year during her undergrad (despite having a 12 month lease for her 2nd & 3rd years) and then again when she went further away for her masters. She has now made the decision to stay in the city where she did her masters and has settled in a flat with a friend and got a job. Only now have we started using “her room” as something else after discussing it with her. There are still a lot of her belongings in there (her flat is small) but we have swapped her bed for a sofa bed in case she visits.

JustLyra · 16/02/2021 17:22

TBH the fact that it's described as the lad's "former bedroom" in the title pretty much says at all

Benjispruce2 · 16/02/2021 17:23

We swapped DD to a smaller bedroom as she’d had the larger one all her life. I wouldn’t take his room away though. I’d feel very unloved personally.

grapewine · 16/02/2021 17:25

@KittensTeaAndCake

We have storage up in the attic, I am happy to store his belongings for him.

That's sad. Is it not still his home?

In the attic? That's not going to make him feel welcome.

"Let's put your stuff in the attic, and you can sleep on the sofa." Really?

LillianGish · 16/02/2021 17:26

If you are pushed for space then it makes sense not to have a room sitting empty. I think you should discuss it with your DS and see how you might go about converting the room so he can still use it as a room when he comes back (a daybed with storage underneath that doubles as seating for one side of the dining table - the kind of set up you might have in a caravan or beach hut for example). That way he still has a room to come back to and you have a dining room when he's not there.

Sparklingbrook · 16/02/2021 17:26

@SleepingStandingUp

i actually think that a lot of people on this thread should check your privilege. It's all very well to say that kids go off to uni and come back etc to save for deposits and isnt it all lovely. Well have you considered that some people might not have the space or the money tohave boomerang kids that for some parents it is a choice between their kids having a dining table or not or those parents who would ask their adult kids for rent because they cant afford the mortgage.* No issue with op telling DS he needs to chip in for food and bills whilst he's at home as she's lost any benefits for him, but she's not kicking him out to save rent and downsize, but because she wants a dining table. In actual fact if she's getting housing benefit kicking him out may affect how much she gets as she'll only get what would cover a 3 bed not a 4 bed
You have jumped a bit far ahead with all that. Op's son is in his first year of (presumably) 3 and has only been gone 5 months (or less depending on if he has remote lectures/what's going on with Covid.

I don't think the privilege checking applies just yet. He's hardly a boomerang kid. Grin The boomerang hasn't come back yet...

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 16/02/2021 17:27

Ours all came back after uni and then left at 26, 28 and Ines still here at 27

Rents are high and wages are low.

angelaEhen · 16/02/2021 17:28

Poor kid I would of been devastated

When I was at uni I come home all the time and every summer and when I finished uni I lived at home for a year and a half before moving out again.

Very harsh and uncaring to take his room away

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