To convert my DS's former bedroom into a dining room now they are at Uni?

[tulip68]

NC for this as outing.
My son is at uni as of September. He is only an hour away but lives in student accommodation. His former bedroom is downstairs to the back of the house, the house is quite small and we could really use that space as a family room or dining room. I think DS expects me to keep his room for him so he can visit us and his friends, ect once the rules are relaxed again. AIBU to convert the room into a dining room and say he can sleep on the sofa when he visits in future? My other DC is keen to have an extra room to eat/relax in.

Definitely do not change his room. All three of mine have been or are at Uni and all have come home for a while for various reasons after Uni . Two out of three now living away but they still have their bedrooms for when they visit etc . Eventually we will move or change their rooms when they are eventually 100% settled.

Whilst my ds was at uni this was still his permanent residence, regardless of how long his rental agreement was for.
For most students it’s somewhere to live whilst studying not a permanent move

He finished uni last year and moved out permanently in September. We literally only just repurposed him room this weekend and sorted the last few bits he left behind and I still feel guilty even though he said it’s the first time the room no longer feels like his, when he last visited.

I couldn’t imagine doing that when he’d just started his first year. He didn’t make plans for the future until his final 6 months at uni.
It took me 18 months to repurpose ds1 room after he moved out...wanted to be sure he didn’t need to come home!

It’s also sad that you’ve taken his key from him....it really does sound like you don’t want him back at all. Both my ds’ still have a key as does future Dil.
Want them to feel that they can always come home if need be.(albeit won’t be in thier own rooms!)

I get that space it at a premium but you’ve said it would be a dining room or a family room. Different if you desperately needed bedroom space but personally I’d make do for now or you may just end up pushing your son away permanently.

There's still a bedroom for me at my parents house. And I'm 30.

I love that they make me feel so welcome if and when I need to stay. It feels nice having that solid, dependable foundation.

for a lot of kids of babyboomers - coming back home did mean coming back to a comfortable place with lots of spare room etc.

But thats not the case for everyone - and especially not if unis truly do widen participation. There will increasingly be 'parents' of young people who are themselves on zero-hour contracts, who dont own large properties and live precarious lives and this assumption that students automatically go back to a much more comfortable exists when they go back home is just not true.

when covid struck most of my students went back home and yes, many of them live in perfectly nice conditions. However, many are also stuck doing their online learning out of their living rooms/kitchens because space is tight and actually their uni halls had far more privacy and room. Many go back to small flats/houses where there simply isnt the space and thats their reality.

i dont think that living in small places or parents re-allocating what space they have for other purposes is automatically bad. yes, it needs to be negotiated and discussed, but this blanket assumption is too simple and has a very rose tinted view on the world, the world of many of those students who are currently at uni and of their parents.

the world of many of those students who are currently at uni and of their parents.

And obviously you are the only person on the thread that knows how that is...

@SirSamuelVimes

Yes, there are people advocating that the grown up, moved out, steady job own place child should always have their room to come back to.

As I've said earlier though, I was fully moved out once I started uni. I came back for a few days at a time. I never went back to my parents house for holidays. Many of my friends were the same.

When I wrote that there would be a bed here if they needed it. I mean that they would be able to use the guest bedroom, rather than me keeping a room available for them on the off chance that they might come home at some point. Mine left eight years ago, he's used the guest bedroom once when he locked himself out on a night out and it was cheaper to get a taxi here than get a locksmith. I didn't change ds's room to guest bedroom until he had his own house though.

I really don't understand the OP's mindset on this. When dc1 went to university, we still regarded our home to be their home. It would never have occurred to me that going to university equated to 'moving out'. When dc1 moved back home to do their postgrad, we made the decision to temporarily allow them to have the dining room as a work space, to keep it separate from their sleeping space. Partly, this was because they shared a room with a sibling who worked shifts so would have been disturbed by dc1 working there. They have both left home now, but the bedroom is still here for them should they need it - one did come back for a few weeks when there were structural problems in their 'own' home. My kids know that there is a room here for them if they ever need it , just as I know there is a room for me at my mum's if I need it and I am almost 60!

Yes @oscarmum20, very well articulated and so true.

If you convert his bedroom, his safe haven, then you'll regret it, ultimately.

@JustLyra - well seeing as I teach hundreds of university students and see where they live and work - yes, I do know a lot about their lives and that many of them have parents who struggle, who work on zero-hour contracts etc and scrape by just for their kids to go to uni. most of ours do live the lives you all imagine but some also dont. for some, having their own room at uni is the only time they've had one, having a place to study etc.......

am not saying that parents should kick their children out the minute they turn 18 - but this blanket assumption that it's only the students who struggle is a false one and is not the reality for many many students today. a loving family home is not about a room but the family.

"However, many are also stuck doing their online learning out of their living rooms/kitchens"

So what would really help them would be their own bedroom, no matter how small? Like the one OP wants to turn into a dining room? Once again, you are spectacularly missing the point of the thread. Yes, some kids go back to awful conditions but the OP just doesn't want to eat off her lap anymore. This isn't an argument about serious overcrowding, if it was, the answers would have been very different.

but the OP just doesn't want to eat off her lap anymore.

I think that's fair enough though. It's a downstairs room, and it means the family are without a dining room, which especially during lockdown and being stuck inside all of the time would probably be quite welcome. I agree he should have a bedroom to come back to, but I don't think it's harsh to consider using it either.

I think it's reasonable to want somewhere to eat. I would get the IKEA Norden gateleg table, and stacking stools. Change the bed for a sofabed. Use it as a dining room but leave his stuff easily accessible in the room. When he's home, you go back to eating in the lounge again, and he can use the table as a desk. Worth a compromise so that he still feels welcome and will want to spend time with you.

@Plutoh

but the OP just doesn't want to eat off her lap anymore.

I think that's fair enough though. It's a downstairs room, and it means the family are without a dining room, which especially during lockdown and being stuck inside all of the time would probably be quite welcome. I agree he should have a bedroom to come back to, but I don't think it's harsh to consider using it either.

I don’t think anyone would take issue if that’s what the op was suggesting.

She is not. She wants him to sleep on the sofa if he comes home. For a brief visit apparently. And she’s taken his key.

She’s kicked him out.

plutoh Nope, not harsh at all to want to use the room when he is not there. I think what people found harsh was the suggestion that he sleep on a sofa when he is home and his stuff is stored in the attic. A home he has no keys to.

No as he will be home for months at a time in summer

[quote oscarmum20]@JustLyra - well seeing as I teach hundreds of university students and see where they live and work - yes, I do know a lot about their lives and that many of them have parents who struggle, who work on zero-hour contracts etc and scrape by just for their kids to go to uni. most of ours do live the lives you all imagine but some also dont. for some, having their own room at uni is the only time they've had one, having a place to study etc.......

am not saying that parents should kick their children out the minute they turn 18 - but this blanket assumption that it's only the students who struggle is a false one and is not the reality for many many students today. a loving family home is not about a room but the family.[/quote]
Not a single person has said only students struggle (and you’re not the only one with lots of experience, but do continue with your sneery tone since you clearly enjoy it).

A loving family home - yeah, that’s one where your Mum and sibling kick you out in favour of a table as soon as you go to uni....

Personally I couldn't do this. It would be like taking away his home. He might want to come back once I uni is finished? Also in the future he may want to live at home whilst he saves to buy a house

In a word yes!
My DD is at uni, her bedroom at home is also in what used to be our dining room ( she used to share an upstairs bedroom with her sister)
Uni terms are short, he will be home a lot, more so if covid isnt sorted. He is only just leaving I would keep a room for him as a safety net and to make him feel secure and wanted.
we have a lot of graduates at work and all returned to live in their family home after graduating, finding a job and affordable accommodation after graduating can be difficult.
I get you want your dining room back, but I think yabnu- sorry!

I meant yabu!

Why have kids if you dont want them? You sound very mean. Imagine if he comes back only to find out he has no place at home

Make it into a shared family room, but get a really good quality sofa bed that has a proper mattress that he can use when home. Also let him keep a wardrobe or closet for his stuff so it still feels like his when he is back home.

Also means that it will be a more grown up space for socializing with friends when he is home.

I'm planning to move once DD goes to university but there will be a bedroom in the new home for her so she can come home whenever she wants. You sound very cold.

No I wouldn't. It's pretty unwelcoming. Especially as he's only in his first year.
If your other child has a very small room you could allow them to use it sometimes for studying or watching tv?