To convert my DS's former bedroom into a dining room now they are at Uni?

[tulip68]

NC for this as outing.
My son is at uni as of September. He is only an hour away but lives in student accommodation. His former bedroom is downstairs to the back of the house, the house is quite small and we could really use that space as a family room or dining room. I think DS expects me to keep his room for him so he can visit us and his friends, ect once the rules are relaxed again. AIBU to convert the room into a dining room and say he can sleep on the sofa when he visits in future? My other DC is keen to have an extra room to eat/relax in.

@Bluntness100

Take his key off him at the first opportunity with no good reason and then turn his room into a dining room, telling him if he comes back to stay he’s permitted an occasional night on the sofa.

Doesn’t get more damaging than that. It’s just horrible.

Not forgetting the 'no drunk mates allowed' rule.

My friend’s parents did similar, it really upset him and he felt really unwelcome in the home after that
I can’t believe anyone would even consider it

Wow really surprised by these responses. I shared a bedroom with a sibling prior to uni so I never had my own bedroom. After I left for uni and my sibling also left a year later, the room was turned into a guest room. Never bothered me in the slightest. I was glad to move to uni and have my own space and my own bedroom for once. I really enjoyed leaving and the independence that brought. Saying that, there was usually a bed somewhere to sleep on in the uni holidays when I went home. So as long as there’s a sofa bed or pull out bed I don’t see the problem at all.

Uni is a transition time. They haven't left, they are spreading their wings. Mine loves coming home and would be hurt if his space was removed. His sister does use his room daily as TV room in his absence. Sleeping on sofas in uncomfortable and you have to wait until everyone else has gone to bed so no personal space. And no staying up time for you. And uni kids don't get up early. All that sweat in the sofa too! Invest in some nice trays. You have made it this far. A couple more years won't hurt

I do see in honesty how it's frustrating when you don't have a lot of room to have one lying vacant for most of the time. Different if it's a big house and it makes no real difference, but if a dining room or whatever would make it more comfortable for you all, I don't think it's that unreasonable to think about it.

I do think it's unreasonable to do it though, you might find he stays most holidays anyway and then moves straight out after, but you will likely find be comes back in the holidays and then perhaps for a time after he graduates.

This happened to me, I arrived 'home' for Christmas to find my bedroom 'repurposed' and my things in two black bags in the attic. (Which my dad then threw out).

The minute I had finished my course I was told to move out into my own flat. I felt very sad.

I think Tulip's mind is made up though.

@Turquoisesofa
So once you have children you can never,ever move or downsize? How ridiculous. My DM moved the year after I graduated and I helped her choose her flat,where she lived happily for 35 more years. Never in a million would I resent my parents having their own lives.

@Shrivelled
I know. Apparently our parents are evil and heartless and we should never forgive them.

I was delighted when my parents repurposed my room about half way through uni. It was very weird going back to my childhood bedroom. I much preferred that they made it a hobby room and I slept in the spare room on the sofa bed. It was THEIR house, not mine. I had a house, a rented student house, then rented flats / shared houses once in graduated. I have no intention of keeping my own kid's rooms for them well into their twenties like some on here.

I would have been really hurt if my parents did this to me. Having said that it sounds like you are in desperate need of the space. If your other DC are keen to convert his bedroom, would one of them be happy to share their room when ever he is back from Uni?

@SirSamuelVimes

I was delighted when my parents repurposed my room about half way through uni. It was very weird going back to my childhood bedroom. I much preferred that they made it a hobby room and I slept in the spare room on the sofa bed. It was THEIR house, not mine. I had a house, a rented student house, then rented flats / shared houses once in graduated. I have no intention of keeping my own kid's rooms for them well into their twenties like some on here.

So you still had a palace to chuck your weekend bag and get dressed in private and slept on a bed? So not the same

[quote toconclude]@Turquoisesofa
So once you have children you can never,ever move or downsize? How ridiculous. My DM moved the year after I graduated and I helped her choose her flat,where she lived happily for 35 more years. Never in a million would I resent my parents having their own lives.[/quote]
But op isn't downsizing, and he hasn't graduated
He's just started uni and she suddenly needs a dining room

Yes the downsizing argument isn't relevant here.

@SirSamuelVimes

I was delighted when my parents repurposed my room about half way through uni. It was very weird going back to my childhood bedroom. I much preferred that they made it a hobby room and I slept in the spare room on the sofa bed. It was THEIR house, not mine. I had a house, a rented student house, then rented flats / shared houses once in graduated. I have no intention of keeping my own kid's rooms for them well into their twenties like some on here.

You slept in the spare room on the sofa bed. Not in the lounge on an actual sofa.

Imagine coming home from uni for weeks each year and your bedtime being completely down to the rest of the family.
Exhausted with a headache? Shame it's only 8 pm and the rest of the family want to watch a film on your "bed".

He has moved out.

OP I just wanted to point out that people don't always consider themselves to have 'moved out' when they go to uni, because the chances are they'll be spending a fair amount of time back at home in the holidays. I didn't consider going to uni as moving out myself.

Totally depends on how much space you have and how often ( in a normal year! ) you expect him to come home.
We kept a bedroom for our eldest when he was at uni( long summer hols ) we did move it to the smallest room though. He graduated last year and started work straight away. The smallest room is now my office, with just a single bed, for when he can ( covid permitting ) get home for a weekend. Our youngest is on a grad apprenticeship and plans to move out in September. We will keep a room for him until he gets a job too. I think with all the uncertainty for young people, if you are able, keeping a room for them is a way of making them feel a bit more secure.

He hasn't really moved out as such, he is at uni, in student accommodation. He needs a base.

I think what you're proposing is very sad and likely to make him feel very unwelcome in what should be his family home. However you seem set on doing it so we can't change your mind.

Appreciate that my parents had a spare room. But there are people on this thread who are talking about keeping all their kids' rooms intact for years and years after they have moved out. That's what I was referring to.

@SirSamuelVimes

Appreciate that my parents had a spare room. But there are people on this thread who are talking about keeping all their kids' rooms intact for years and years after they have moved out. That's what I was referring to.

As in steady job, own place moved out rather than going to uni then? Because again, an 18 year old who has just started uni hasn't actually moved out.

@toconclude I want my children to know that they always have somewhere that they can come/escape to and somewhere that any future grandchildren can visit and stay comfortably. In the first lockdown, both DC and one of their partner’s came to live here - I was glad to have the space to offer. Had I not had the space, DD would have been on her own for weeks in her London flat as all of her flatmates and friends went to their family home. My son’s girlfriend came to us because her parents had repurposed her bedroom as an office and were reluctant to reinstate it as her bedroom. Had she not come here, she also have been alone in an empty house of multiple occupancy in a city where she knew no one as she had literally just moved for a new job. Even after I bought my own home, there have been times throughout the years when I wished I had had a room in a family home to return to for respite or TLC.

@MissyB1

Sounds like he’s better off away from home anyway, doesn’t exactly sound like you want him around.

My thoughts exactly. Poor child.

Yes, there are people advocating that the grown up, moved out, steady job own place child should always have their room to come back to.

As I've said earlier though, I was fully moved out once I started uni. I came back for a few days at a time. I never went back to my parents house for holidays. Many of my friends were the same.

@SirSamuelVimes

Yes, there are people advocating that the grown up, moved out, steady job own place child should always have their room to come back to.

As I've said earlier though, I was fully moved out once I started uni. I came back for a few days at a time. I never went back to my parents house for holidays. Many of my friends were the same.

Right. But that's not the norm and you know that full well.

@SirSamuelVimes

Yes, there are people advocating that the grown up, moved out, steady job own place child should always have their room to come back to.

As I've said earlier though, I was fully moved out once I started uni. I came back for a few days at a time. I never went back to my parents house for holidays. Many of my friends were the same.

That’s not the norm. Especially not now.