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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset that husband suggested DC goes to his sister if we die?

165 replies

fdinthea · 15/02/2021 13:50

So, in short I don’t have a very good relationship with my in-laws as they have form for being interfering and rude to me, they live in a different city and close to DH’s sister and her family. MIL calls DH to say that she’s had a word with his sister and she’s agreed to have our DC if we were both to pop it and DH said that he’d discuss it with me. I’ve probably seen my SIL maximum of twice a year and have no relationship with her, I don’t know her city at all and no one knows me there. DH and I have loads of friends in our city and I have close family that know both myself and DH very well. If the worst was to happen to us there are plenty of people that know us both intimately and could potentially raise our DC with stories of us both in the city that DH and I have lived in all our adult lives. I feel really hurt that they could think it a good idea that my only child could be sent somewhere that I have no connection to to be raised with people that don’t know me at all. AIBU and sensitive?

OP posts:
HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 15/02/2021 13:51

Unless you're both terminally ill, this is utterly bizarre from start to finish. Why is your mother-in-law thinking about it and why are you giving her announcement any head space?

SmednotaSmoo · 15/02/2021 13:52

Yanbu and I fail to see why your MIL has brought it up with your DH, rather than you and he having the conversation together and then with the people you’d ask.

Original poster
fdinthea · 15/02/2021 13:56

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl it’s more that my husband thinks it’s a valid suggestion and he can’t see why I’d be upset about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
fdinthea · 15/02/2021 13:57

And yes it is totally bizarre but this is the kind of behaviour from her that I have to deal with and my husband can’t see a problem with

OP posts:
Eileen101 · 15/02/2021 13:58

Can you say "thanks for making the enquiry, we've not yet appointed anyone as guardian but we're in the process of looking into it". Then find someone who you would like to take on the role to agree and then name your guardians in your will?
What does your DH think? Would he even want his sister to raise the children in those circumstances? Mine preferred my sister rather than his for our children's guardians for lifestyle reasons, so it's not necessarily a given that he'd want his sister to be guardians anyway?

dotoallasyouwouldbedoneby · 15/02/2021 14:00

You can specify a future guardian in your will, were you both to die at the same time, but obviously only with that person's permission. Although they likely can defer to act and pass on to social services to decide.
I would suggest you and your DP make mirror wills and that you agree together who the best choice would be. It only affects your MIL if she is the chosen one!

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 15/02/2021 14:04

Just thank them for their kind offer, and specify someone else.

It the unlikely case this is needed, it may be good to have a few options.

Coronawireless · 15/02/2021 14:10

I feel for you on this one. Horrible to think of you gone and your DC being brought up by people you don’t know or mightn’t even like. And the way your MIL approached it was awful!
What are your arrangements though? At the moment, if your ILs are next of kin, that’s where your DC would probably go - unless you’ve made a Will specifying otherwise. Putting aside your own personal preferences, would your SIL be kind to your DCs? It would be what’s in their best interests, not yours, as you’d be gone!
If objectively she’d make a good guardian, then maybe it’s time make an effort for you and your DC to develop a relationship with her (separately from your MIL) and to discuss the option with her.
If she seems resistant to having a good relationship with you, and especially them, then you’ll know you’ll need to look at alternatives.
I could very much take or leave my SIL. But my DCs adore her so she would be their guardian.

HowWonderful · 15/02/2021 14:12

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PainterInPeril · 15/02/2021 14:19

It's not bizarre for a grandmother to worry about her grandchildren. Although there may be more to it than we know. But, if I'm honest, I don't understand why you haven't already sorted out legal guardians for your children. Surely that goes into your will??

Why not sit down with your husband and discuss who would be the right choice for your children? That may be family, it may be friends. Get it put down in writing legally so there's no argument further down the line.

As for not knowing your husband's sister that well... Could you not make the effort to get to know her better even if it just for your children's sake? In case they do end up having to live with her? (Obviously, I hope the need would never arise!)

Sorry if I seem to have gone off on a tangent about guardianship, it's just something I feel very strongly about!

PicaK · 15/02/2021 14:20

It's not daft to think about this for your own kids.
It's quite weird for your mil to think about and make suggestions.
It's good that your dh stopped her and said this was something you two should discuss. (you do not have a dh problem!)
It's not terrible that he can see some plus points in his sister having them.
I think you're over reacting. This isn't something being imposed on you.
Sit down and discuss it with him calmly.
And sound people out. You can't put them in your will without their full agreement - that would be shockingly cavalier to your children. You'd have to think about funding. You'd need a trust set up and trustees who were neutral.
It's a good subject to think about and discuss in a grown up manner

HollowTalk · 15/02/2021 14:22

Perhaps it's time to get an insurance policy so that your friends wouldn't be out of pocket if they had to look after your children?

Whitecup4 · 15/02/2021 14:23

I think it’s something parents think about, but not people for their grandkids?

I don’t think realistically you can say you have friends who would look after your child. That’s a massive ask and family are most of the time the best option as it’s a blood relation

notalwaysalondoner · 15/02/2021 14:23

Having known at least 2 family friends that sadly did both die unexpectedly, and did result in children going to guardians, I don't think it is a weird thing to talk about and more parents should have their paperwork in order around this. However, your MIL shouldn't be involved. It's up to you and DH to pick the best person for your children based on loads of factors, not just your MIL has checked and they're happy to do it... it's about their relationship with you, your DC, their own family situation, their values, their financial situation, their location etc. etc. etc. So YABU to ignore her suggestion, but it might be a good time to agree what you actually want to do instead and get it put in your will.

Moondust001 · 15/02/2021 14:23

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

Unless you're both terminally ill, this is utterly bizarre from start to finish. Why is your mother-in-law thinking about it and why are you giving her announcement any head space?
Sorry, but whilst I am not suggesting that the child go to the in-laws, I don't see anything bizarre about it at all. Would it be better to think about after something untoward happened? Nobody wants such a thing to happen - but it can, and it's a bit late to object to where the child is sent after you have gone.

If my brother and SIL are unable to care for my nephew (for any reason) he comes to me. That was decided shortly after his birth and he is now 14. My granddaughter will go to her uncle (my son).

It is eminently sensible to think seriously about what is in a child's best interests in the event of a disaster - alternatively, think about what could happen to that child if you haven't made provision? Who might they end up with if you don't leave clear instructions?

judgingcat · 15/02/2021 14:24

Is plotting your deaths or something? How strange!

grapewine · 15/02/2021 14:24

I wouldn't count on friends taking children in. But your MIL is overstepping anyway.

Original poster
fdinthea · 15/02/2021 14:25

I have a friend who’s more like a sister that I’ve had for over 30 years that is like an aunt to my DC. She and him adore eachother, she has kids the same age, very comfortable financially and in a secure and happy marriage. Her and her husband are mine and my DH best friends and since this incident, have said that they’d happily have our DC so that’s covered now. I just feel hurt that my DH would willingly send our DC somewhere that he’d have no connection to me or my family and continues to think it would be fine.

OP posts:
Coronawireless · 15/02/2021 14:25

Sorry just re-read your post and I see you have close family where you live. Have you discussed guardianship with them?
Agree with pps, it should all be discussed and arranged.

ooohbriefcase · 15/02/2021 14:25

"MIL calls DH to say that she’s had a word with his sister and she’s agreed to have our DC if we were both to pop it"

Sorry but that's really fucking weird.

31RooCambon · 15/02/2021 14:26

Realistically, if something awful happens to you both, people you know locally aren't going to be champing at the bit to raise your child.

I actually think it's more sensible to assume that a family member would raise your child. It's so naive to think that friends would WANT to do this (if you haven't talked about it). Sounds like your H is just trying to talk about the worst case scenario. Presumably he's closer to his sister, so from his POV it's not a crazy idea.

Playnoh · 15/02/2021 14:26

Amend your will so your intentions can be known.

mindutopia · 15/02/2021 14:28

I think it's odd for anyone to suggest that they (or even more odd, some other specific person) raises your dc if you both were to die. It's unnecessarily meddling to just open up a conversation about such a thing.

But definitely you and dh should have a conversation about this and make some firm decisions about it, particularly if you feel so strongly. We are in a position of needing to do the same. Unfortunately, we don't really have any family who we would feel comfortable raising our dc. We are NC with my family and we only have some vague contact with MIL (but we don't allow our dc any contact with her abusive partner), so she isn't an option either. BIL doesn't want children and mostly enjoys a single party lifestyle and definitely would not be in any position to take on two children. We have some other distant family who are lovely, but it's a big ask. We do have some friends who we have considered approaching, but none of them live near us and all have younger dc, so life very full on for them. So it's been a really difficult decision to make. No idea what we would do, but I am conscious it's really important.

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 15/02/2021 14:28

Sorry, but whilst I am not suggesting that the child go to the in-laws, I don't see anything bizarre about it at all.

You might think it's normal for a mother-in-law to ponder the deaths of her son and his wife and announce that she's decided where the kids will go, but I find it totally bizarre.

Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies · 15/02/2021 14:28

I think it’s important to point out that you won’t have the final say... I mean, obviously you wouldn’t because you’d be dead, but your wishes are only that - wishes.

If your SIL wanted your children, no matter what you have written in your will, this would at least be considered by Social Services.

It is also quite likely that a friend would blithely say ‘yes’ to you, but in the event of the worst happening would realise that they weren’t prepared to take on traumatised children who they weren’t related to.