AIBU to be upset that husband suggested DC goes to his sister if we die?

[fdinthea]

So, in short I don’t have a very good relationship with my in-laws as they have form for being interfering and rude to me, they live in a different city and close to DH’s sister and her family. MIL calls DH to say that she’s had a word with his sister and she’s agreed to have our DC if we were both to pop it and DH said that he’d discuss it with me. I’ve probably seen my SIL maximum of twice a year and have no relationship with her, I don’t know her city at all and no one knows me there. DH and I have loads of friends in our city and I have close family that know both myself and DH very well. If the worst was to happen to us there are plenty of people that know us both intimately and could potentially raise our DC with stories of us both in the city that DH and I have lived in all our adult lives. I feel really hurt that they could think it a good idea that my only child could be sent somewhere that I have no connection to to be raised with people that don’t know me at all. AIBU and sensitive?

@Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies

I think it’s important to point out that you won’t have the final say... I mean, obviously you wouldn’t because you’d be dead, but your wishes are only that - wishes.

If your SIL wanted your children, no matter what you have written in your will, this would at least be considered by Social Services.

It is also quite likely that a friend would blithely say ‘yes’ to you, but in the event of the worst happening would realise that they weren’t prepared to take on traumatised children who they weren’t related to.

I don't think this is true at all. If you and your dp put in a will that your parents are supposed to take the kids, and they've agreed to that, then SS aren't going to start entertaining other people's claims.

@ImRealHonest

Just as a caution to anyone who is saying about the unlikelihood of both dying...

Friends of mine had a huge fall out with his side of the family. When they bought a house and went to make a will, they were advised that unless they specified who was to have the children in the event of them both passing, and they both died together, the kids would go to the youngest of them’s next of kin, in their case the husbands parents.

It’s not unforeseeable that a car crash could kill both parents together. Or a plane crash that the parents are on but not the children. When my sister heard about this, she went to their solicitor and they confirmed it to be true, so they agreed that I would get custody of my nieces if this happened to them.

So please, people, consider this. Especially if you don’t have a simple relationship with both sides of the family

That's not true - children are not property to be handed out according to intestacy laws. If children are orphaned then the decision who has them will be decided on the basis of the child's best interests - and looking at whoever is willing to take them on of course.

Of course you can appoint a guardian in your will, that's one of the main purposes of a will. If they decline or are proven unfit, then they don't get the child, that's not much different to a parent except that they don't retain financial responsibility afterwards. Ideally any will includes several layers of preference options, so if the first doesn't work out it moves to the next. It can be challenged in court in an extreme situation, but if the guardian selected is suitable then there's no reason for your wishes not to be granted. The case, above of abusive family; alerting the court to that through the will is a very certain way of disrupting them from getting access to the child.

It’s so weird your MIL is talking about this! Did you discuss with them about writing a will or something? Have you checked your food for poison?

Anyway, I think it’s reasonable for MIL to presume your DC would be with their biological family, and not just your friends. No matter how close you are. Knowing your family and where you came from is important. Your friend would then have to deal with yours and DH family and argue about how the kids are raised. Would you want to put that on your friend?

Personally I would want my parents to raise my DC. My in laws are great but have grandkids already from my SIL whereas my parents don’t have that. I would want them to feel they are a big part of their lives.

I don't think this is true at all. If you and your dp put in a will that your parents are supposed to take the kids, and they've agreed to that, then SS aren't going to start entertaining other people's claims.

Yes they will, particularly if they are family. And if they are assessed as suitable it would be for the courts to decide residency.

We were named in friends will and the process started prior to friends death. Friends sister also asked to be considered and was found not suitable. However had she been suitable we'd have had to go to court if we had wanted to uphold friends wishes.

@Updatemate

I don't think this is true at all. If you and your dp put in a will that your parents are supposed to take the kids, and they've agreed to that, then SS aren't going to start entertaining other people's claims.

Yes they will, particularly if they are family. And if they are assessed as suitable it would be for the courts to decide residency.

We were named in friends will and the process started prior to friends death. Friends sister also asked to be considered and was found not suitable. However had she been suitable we'd have had to go to court if we had wanted to uphold friends wishes.

And this is why I have explained in writing why I don’t want my sibling to get custody of my children should both me and my husband die. Just because they are family doesn’t mean they are the best choice.

@fdinthea

I have a friend who’s more like a sister that I’ve had for over 30 years that is like an aunt to my DC. She and him adore eachother, she has kids the same age, very comfortable financially and in a secure and happy marriage. Her and her husband are mine and my DH best friends and since this incident, have said that they’d happily have our DC so that’s covered now. I just feel hurt that my DH would willingly send our DC somewhere that he’d have no connection to me or my family and continues to think it would be fine.

But that's how you view it. Many would chose blood over friendship. Even if they live locally now, you have no guarantee that they will continue to always do so. It sounds that you, whether justified or not, have an issue with his family and if you're not careful this will cause far bigger issues if this continues.

You can't put them in your will without their full agreement - that would be shockingly cavalier to your children
That’s exactly what my SIL did to me. DH said he’d be happy to raise his nephew if she died and I said yeah, because you’d be out at work and the extra burden would be dumped on me! Sorry but I’m not willing to do it. So if SIL dies I’ll be divorcing DH and taking his DC, and he can look after his nephew himself. Of course these arrangements need to be made, but only with the agreement of the people involved!

It's usual to be wait to be asked! However - you might have lots of friends, but don't count on them being keen to raise your children!
You are being totally bonkers if you think that your orphaned offspring need to be raised in a city where every stone of every building is imbued with a heartwarming anecdote about their dead mum.
If you're really worried about this, you need to take out good insurance - and feel grateful that at least one person shows willing!

@CurlyReds

You can't put them in your will without their full agreement - that would be shockingly cavalier to your children That’s exactly what my SIL did to me. DH said he’d be happy to raise his nephew if she died and I said yeah, because you’d be out at work and the extra burden would be dumped on me! Sorry but I’m not willing to do it. So if SIL dies I’ll be divorcing DH and taking his DC, and he can look after his nephew himself. Of course these arrangements need to be made, but only with the agreement of the people involved!

You don’t sound like a great person. But hey at least it’s out there.

@CurlyReds

You can't put them in your will without their full agreement - that would be shockingly cavalier to your children That’s exactly what my SIL did to me. DH said he’d be happy to raise his nephew if she died and I said yeah, because you’d be out at work and the extra burden would be dumped on me! Sorry but I’m not willing to do it. So if SIL dies I’ll be divorcing DH and taking his DC, and he can look after his nephew himself. Of course these arrangements need to be made, but only with the agreement of the people involved!

Wow. That's extraordinarily unpleasant.

@CurlyReds

You can't put them in your will without their full agreement - that would be shockingly cavalier to your children That’s exactly what my SIL did to me. DH said he’d be happy to raise his nephew if she died and I said yeah, because you’d be out at work and the extra burden would be dumped on me! Sorry but I’m not willing to do it. So if SIL dies I’ll be divorcing DH and taking his DC, and he can look after his nephew himself. Of course these arrangements need to be made, but only with the agreement of the people involved!

I can't find the words.

You don’t sound like a great person
Why - because I don’t want more children? I’m disabled and so is my son, I struggle to cope just with him and I can’t realistically take on another child. I’ve explained this to SIL and DH but they insist that if SIL dies her son will live with DH. Fine but I won’t be there. I don’t think it’s unreasonable or nasty to say I can’t cope with an additional child.

And people are supposed to know that from your post because? Oh that's right, you didn't mention it. Nothing like a good old drip feed. Although I'm assuming that your DH doesn't do much to help look after you or your child then if you feel able to take your child and leave if he were to take his nephew in.

I think it would be very difficult to take a child in these circumstances, and saying no might be a better option for some people.
I also feel that naming grandparents needs to be reconsidered at certain points as they get older.

CurlyReds I don't think you sound horrible. Taking on a bereaved child is huge commitment, and one you can't really go back on. With or without additional difficulties.

@CurlyReds

You don’t sound like a great person Why - because I don’t want more children? I’m disabled and so is my son, I struggle to cope just with him and I can’t realistically take on another child. I’ve explained this to SIL and DH but they insist that if SIL dies her son will live with DH. Fine but I won’t be there. I don’t think it’s unreasonable or nasty to say I can’t cope with an additional child.

It’s perfectly sensible.

And people are supposed to know that from your post because? Oh that's right, you didn't mention it.
No. You just judged without knowing the circumstances or even thinking about it. Although tbh I think it’s perfectly fine for any woman, disabled or not, to say she doesn’t feel able to care for an additional child. It’s her decision and it doesn’t make her a bad person because she can’t handle an extra child.

@CurlyReds

And people are supposed to know that from your post because? Oh that's right, you didn't mention it. No. You just judged without knowing the circumstances or even thinking about it. Although tbh I think it’s perfectly fine for any woman, disabled or not, to say she doesn’t feel able to care for an additional child. It’s her decision and it doesn’t make her a bad person because she can’t handle an extra child.

I didn’t say it made you a bad person. Just doesn’t make you a great one either.

No. You just judged without knowing the circumstances or even thinking about it

Ahh, because I'm supposed to think to myself, curly red has a child with a disability and she has a disability herself, and that's why she's coming across as so unpleasant. Even though she's not mentioned it in this thread and I haven't stalked her previous posts to check before commenting on your unpleasant post with the missing information.

Nah. I don't think so.

Just to give a perspective on the MIL.
This thread has made me wonder if I should be speaking to SIL about their kids. If something happens to them, then I don't know if they want us to have them or her sister and I've no idea if they put anything in their wills. It hadn't come up from our side because we picked my sister first in our wills and them as backup (my sister and her DH happy to take DS), but I think we should know their preference so we can act accordingly if it isn't written down. If I ask, then I'll risk being the in-laws in this case, who some people feel have massively over-stepped by offering.
So, it's not necessarily been done with anything but concern to do what the couple actually want.

Disability is my reason for not wanting an extra child but someone else may have a different reason. And it’s perfectly acceptable for a woman to decide she can’t cope with raising an extra child, regardless of what her reason is.

That's fine. And why not just mention that in the first place then. Rather than saying you'd take your child and leave your husband if he ever considered taking in his orphaned nephew. Which still doesn't sound great tbh. Hopefully your sister in law has other family to rely on should it come to it. And presumably if you and dh died you wouldn't want her to take your child in either.

Anyone could have considered that there may have been reasons behind Curly’s sentiment. Asked questions if they wanted to know more. It’s not her bad that you chose to jump to conclusions and make snap judgements without the facts.

Now you’re blaming her for not divulging from the off but she’s not responsible for your trigger happy assumptions, it’s your own fault.