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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset that husband suggested DC goes to his sister if we die?

165 replies

fdinthea · 15/02/2021 13:50

So, in short I don’t have a very good relationship with my in-laws as they have form for being interfering and rude to me, they live in a different city and close to DH’s sister and her family. MIL calls DH to say that she’s had a word with his sister and she’s agreed to have our DC if we were both to pop it and DH said that he’d discuss it with me. I’ve probably seen my SIL maximum of twice a year and have no relationship with her, I don’t know her city at all and no one knows me there. DH and I have loads of friends in our city and I have close family that know both myself and DH very well. If the worst was to happen to us there are plenty of people that know us both intimately and could potentially raise our DC with stories of us both in the city that DH and I have lived in all our adult lives. I feel really hurt that they could think it a good idea that my only child could be sent somewhere that I have no connection to to be raised with people that don’t know me at all. AIBU and sensitive?

OP posts:
Original poster
fdinthea · 15/02/2021 14:50

@MRex as I mentioned in a previous post, our best friends. She has been my best friend for over 30 years and is v close with my family and her DH and mine have been firm friends for over a decade. They are like family to us

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 15/02/2021 14:51

It’s such a weird thing for your MIL to be involved with.

Saying your friends would “look after” your child is not really representative of that situation though. They would essentially become their new parents for all practical purposes. That’s a massive, massive undertaking.

Velvian · 15/02/2021 14:52

I agree that your MIL is completely overstepping, but I wonder if it is a way of her saying she can't look after your DC if you die.

She has jumped ahead of herself and provided an alternative solution.

Original poster
fdinthea · 15/02/2021 14:54

@PurpleDaisies it is. We had very serious talks with them about it and the realities of what it would involve. We’d be leaving them with appropriate finances.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 15/02/2021 14:55

[quote fdinthea]@PurpleDaisies it is. We had very serious talks with them about it and the realities of what it would involve. We’d be leaving them with appropriate finances.[/quote]
I doubt the difficult thing would be the finances.

Coronawireless · 15/02/2021 14:55

Your MIL sound annoying but not evil and her interfering may come from a good place. How does your DH get on with her? Should he and your DC see more of MIL and SIL even if you yourself don’t want to?

CherryRoulade · 15/02/2021 14:56

I think mother in law is behaving quite reasonably and having a conversation that you, as parents should probably have had already. You need, as a couple, to decide and discuss with those involved who would have your children in the event of a catastrophic accident or event. Then get the arrangements documented and your wills sorted to avoid wrangling around a tragedy.
You haven't sorted anything out other than vague 'a good friend would probably have them'. Far better to have it clarified and legally binding.

greenlynx · 15/02/2021 14:58

I think it’s a strange conversation out of nowhere, something prompted your MIL to say this. The question is what? I wonder if something was mentioned and your DH just sort of nodded and agreed with his Mum without paying proper attention. And then she started acting on the conversation and asked SIL and so on. It’s something my mum would do, you tell her casually that apples are nice and the next day she’s planting an orchard in your back garden.
So I would try to find out what’s prompted this idea.
However it’s natural to think that your sibling will step up in a difficult situation so your DH’s response is just that - natural. Now you can discuss this with him and put your joint decision in a will or something.

Original poster
fdinthea · 15/02/2021 14:58

@PurpleDaisies it’s true that it would be difficult as it would be difficult for anyone. My friend is in a more secure relationship that my SIL and is more secure financially. She also has a much better relationship with my DC.

OP posts:
Figgyboa · 15/02/2021 14:59

[quote fdinthea]@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl it’s more that my husband thinks it’s a valid suggestion and he can’t see why I’d be upset about it.[/quote]
OP, its a valid suggestion because it's not just your child (my child as you put it), its both of yours child. Your family isn't any more important than his just because you don't get along with them

Original poster
fdinthea · 15/02/2021 15:00

I definitely want my DC to get to know my DH’s side of the family and will not keep them apart, that part has been purely down to C19 circumstances.

OP posts:
ImRealHonest · 15/02/2021 15:00

Just as a caution to anyone who is saying about the unlikelihood of both dying...

Friends of mine had a huge fall out with his side of the family. When they bought a house and went to make a will, they were advised that unless they specified who was to have the children in the event of them both passing, and they both died together, the kids would go to the youngest of them’s next of kin, in their case the husbands parents.

It’s not unforeseeable that a car crash could kill both parents together. Or a plane crash that the parents are on but not the children. When my sister heard about this, she went to their solicitor and they confirmed it to be true, so they agreed that I would get custody of my nieces if this happened to them.

So please, people, consider this. Especially if you don’t have a simple relationship with both sides of the family

MRex · 15/02/2021 15:01

@fdinthea

I have a friend who’s more like a sister that I’ve had for over 30 years that is like an aunt to my DC. She and him adore eachother, she has kids the same age, very comfortable financially and in a secure and happy marriage. Her and her husband are mine and my DH best friends and since this incident, have said that they’d happily have our DC so that’s covered now. I just feel hurt that my DH would willingly send our DC somewhere that he’d have no connection to me or my family and continues to think it would be fine.
You said they only agreed "since this incident". Are you sure your will actually lists them? I mentioned noting it in your will, because you didn't seem to have it organised a few hours ago.
Original poster
fdinthea · 15/02/2021 15:02

@CherryRoulade please read my other posts. That is all covered.

OP posts:
Bythemillpond · 15/02/2021 15:03

Suggest the answer is

Thank you for your suggestion but if we were to pop our clogs then we would like the children to go to someone we know.

ManicPixie · 15/02/2021 15:04

Who looks after your children in the unexpected event of both your deaths is a perfectly valid concern. But it's something he should discuss with you, not make a unilateral decision on.

Whitecup4 · 15/02/2021 15:04

I doubt your friends really would take on your son. Of course they have said yes, whilst he is a happy, stable, secure loving boy, but he won’t be like that when both his parents are dead. The reality is quite stark, and once imminent friends realise they can’t actually do it no matter how much they want too. That’s also doubled if the couple have their own children too.

Harsh, but it’s realistic.

Greenevalley · 15/02/2021 15:05

I come from a large family and my dh has two siblings.
We decided to appoint my bf and her dh as guardians as their parenting style was closest to our own.
It didn’t go down well with family but we were happy with the decision.

My dc are adults now. And I would make the same decision again.

CherryRoulade · 15/02/2021 15:05

[quote fdinthea]@CherryRoulade please read my other posts. That is all covered.[/quote]
So if its all covered, you have a legally binding guardianship agreed and a will to support the children, why is it a problem?

Belladonna12 · 15/02/2021 15:07

I think your MIL is interfering because she wants to make sure you don't put her down! Your SIL probably just wants to shut her up and like most people imagines it will never happen anyway. So really you're all on the same page. I think if both you died they probably would look at family before friends though so I'd make sure your own family are considered and not just friends.

Original poster
fdinthea · 15/02/2021 15:07

@MRex. I see that I wasn’t clear about the wording of our wills. I’m sure you can appreciate that my child is my number 1 priority, thanks for the concern :)

OP posts:
CherryRoulade · 15/02/2021 15:07

Ctually your post talks about a serious talk/nice chat - not about legal guardianship arrangements. The two are clearly very different.

crowsfeet57 · 15/02/2021 15:07

*I think it’s important to point out that you won’t have the final say... I mean, obviously you wouldn’t because you’d be dead, but your wishes are only that - wishes.

If your SIL wanted your children, no matter what you have written in your will, this would at least be considered by Social Services*

This

Belladonna12 · 15/02/2021 15:08

@Whitecup4

I doubt your friends really would take on your son. Of course they have said yes, whilst he is a happy, stable, secure loving boy, but he won’t be like that when both his parents are dead. The reality is quite stark, and once imminent friends realise they can’t actually do it no matter how much they want too. That’s also doubled if the couple have their own children too.

Harsh, but it’s realistic.

I agree. OP seems to assume there will be loads of willing volunteers but in reality it often is family who bring up children if their parents die.
Original poster
fdinthea · 15/02/2021 15:09

Thanks for everyone’s input, it’s been helpful. I wish you all a pleasant afternoon. Stay safe :)

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