Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset that husband suggested DC goes to his sister if we die?

165 replies

fdinthea · 15/02/2021 13:50

So, in short I don’t have a very good relationship with my in-laws as they have form for being interfering and rude to me, they live in a different city and close to DH’s sister and her family. MIL calls DH to say that she’s had a word with his sister and she’s agreed to have our DC if we were both to pop it and DH said that he’d discuss it with me. I’ve probably seen my SIL maximum of twice a year and have no relationship with her, I don’t know her city at all and no one knows me there. DH and I have loads of friends in our city and I have close family that know both myself and DH very well. If the worst was to happen to us there are plenty of people that know us both intimately and could potentially raise our DC with stories of us both in the city that DH and I have lived in all our adult lives. I feel really hurt that they could think it a good idea that my only child could be sent somewhere that I have no connection to to be raised with people that don’t know me at all. AIBU and sensitive?

OP posts:
Hadalifeonce · 15/02/2021 14:28

DH and I both decided, for various reasons, that nobody in either family would raise our DC if they were orphaned. We spoke with our friends who have know our DC since they were tiny, and have always been in their lives. It was agreed that they would be or DC guardians in the event of our deaths and is in our wills.

MustardMitt · 15/02/2021 14:29

This is just utterly bizarre. Why would your MIL get a deciding vote in this, at all?

Obviously she oversteps, but your husband has said he would pass on the message for discussion. I think you are hugely overreacting.

Alexandernevermind · 15/02/2021 14:29

Your SIL sounds like Rachel's sister from Friends! They have raised a good point though, and I think where there is any sign of any tension in families, formally naming a legal guardian for your children is a must. Agree first with your DH and have a proper talk to whomever you decide to ask. Formalise it with a solicitor and make sure there is financial provision in your will for their care. This will avoid a potential tug of war in the future should the unthinkable happen.

Original poster
fdinthea · 15/02/2021 14:29

We’ve also written wills and have insurance and trusts set up so our friends can viably look after him as well as their own children. I don’t feel like making the suggestion to make a will and make sure DC was looked after was overstepping the mark, it’s the fact that my connection to him doesn’t seem to matter to them.

OP posts:
31RooCambon · 15/02/2021 14:30

''I just feel hurt that my DH would willingly send our DC somewhere that he’d have no connection to me or my family and continues to think it would be fine.''

His sister is not somebody who has no connection to him or his family though.

MRex · 15/02/2021 14:30

Your DH probably didn't think much more than "My sister would step up for the DC, that's good of her", because she's his sister. Now you've come up with a better option that's all good, stop over-thinking. Now write a bloody will already, you should have specified guardianship before the DC were born.

yvanka · 15/02/2021 14:30

Don't let MIL make you any drinks!

Aprilx · 15/02/2021 14:31

I think this is something your husband and you should put some thought to, strange for someone else to do it. But SIL is not an unreasonable person to consider amongst others.

partyatthepalace · 15/02/2021 14:31

They certainly sound odd... was your husband just going along with it for peace?

Anyway you clearly feel strongly, so worth talking to your preferred guardians, sticking it in both your wills, and letting all family know so you don't have to worry about an unseemly battle were you both to croak. Lots of people do do this.

emilyfrost · 15/02/2021 14:32

YABU. There’s no reason to be upset; it doesn’t mean you have to take them up on the offer Confused

Also as close friends as you might be, and as much as now they’re saying they’d have your kids, if push came to shove I very much doubt they would. Taking on someone else’s kids who you’re not even related to is a massive undertaking.

Cherrysoup · 15/02/2021 14:33

How bizarre that your mil would do this. What has it to do with her?

Lubiluxe · 15/02/2021 14:35

You keep saying 'me' it seems to be all about you. Your husband's family are equally your child's family as is yours. What makes you think they would keep him from your family? Bizarre.

Norwester · 15/02/2021 14:35

YABU not to have a concrete plan in place if the worst should happen. If you had a proper plan in place, DH would have said, Thanks for the offer but X are going to bring up the children in that situation. Everyone should know the plan. They can kick off all they like - it should be in a signed will.

crazycatlady7 · 15/02/2021 14:37

It's so hard people assume. My SIL is the same just says if mummy and daddy die you will live with Auntie. No conversation.

We've done our wills and our DS will go to my cousins as we feel they are best placed to care for him if anything should Happen to us. We just have no idea how to tell SIL, my siblings know 🤷‍♀️ and as upset as they are they respect our decision.

So do what's right for your DCs and leave SIL and MIL a letter explaining

Tubs11 · 15/02/2021 14:39

That's weird
As a couple we discussed who the kids would go to and put it in our will. Suggest you do the same, forget about it and if in-laws ask again then you have your answer.

Hepsie · 15/02/2021 14:40

I had the same problem op. We drew up mirror wills and nominated a willing friend who is more like family to us, to look after the children should it come to it. Said friend is also included in the inheritance to reduce / remove any financial losses to them as a result of taking on children.

Original poster
fdinthea · 15/02/2021 14:41

I do appreciate everyone’s comments. I’m aware that I’ve reacted strongly to this this, where to other people it may just be water off a ducks back. Mumsnet is a helpful way to gain a bit of perspective when everyday F2F convos are in short supply. My PIL are a major trigger for me and I’m trying to get to the bottom of why that is, they’re incredibly interfering and refer to DC as ‘their grandchild’ eg “I won’t have my grandchild in a second hand cot” and “I hope you’re not subjecting my grandchild to your vegetarianism” and I just feel riled by it.

OP posts:
Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies · 15/02/2021 14:42

I am going to repeat - any plans/suggested guardians are simply wishes. If it is seen as better for your children that they are placed somewhere else, that will override your wishes.

And it’s very easy to agree to taking on children, until it becomes a reality.

Original poster
fdinthea · 15/02/2021 14:44

And to everyone that’s saying I need to get a will and insurance, we got insurance before he was born and DC was just a couple of months old at the time and a week after this incident we had wills and trusts firmly in place so please don’t worry 😊

OP posts:
TulipsTwoLips · 15/02/2021 14:45

Oh I can see that this is upsetting you, but just think you are coming at this from different places. I don't think your husband isn't meaning to be hurtful at all. If we were to die I would want someone who is kind, financially secure, a good role model, and would want the children. I would be ok with the children having to move from where I had links. Perhaps your husband is just prioritising practical rather than emotional needs?

Lysistratathereindeer · 15/02/2021 14:46

@fdinthea My MIL is currently on a mission to find out who we've named as guardians - I just smile serenely and say we've made arrangements and it's detailed in our wills. Doesn't stop her asking again of course!

She also calls DC "my baby". Yes, it's bloody irritating but with MIL I pick my battles.

MRex · 15/02/2021 14:47

If you have wills, then who is in there as DC's guardian now?

YoniAndGuy · 15/02/2021 14:47

Wow talk about overstepping. Absolutely NONE of MIL's business.

I would tell your DH that not only should his only words to his mother have been 'butt out' but that he's not to mention it again with her. At all. It's so much none of her business.

When MIL asks, you can then say 'I think DH was trying to be neutral as, as you know, that's private business for our family to discuss only. We'd never considered SIL as a guardian and wouldn't, that's why we'd not discussed it with her. Guardianship is sorted thanks, no need for you to be involved at all.'

YoniAndGuy · 15/02/2021 14:49

'I won't have MY GRANDCHILD... etc'

You 'Better find a different grandchild then, as MY CHILD is just fine doing X, thanks!'

Said with a big happy laugh so it's oh so nice and funny and not making a BACK THE FUCK OFF statement at all :) :) :)

Cameleongirl · 15/02/2021 14:49

They sound very interfering and this was definitely crossing a line- it’s not their decision to make! Glad to hear that you and DH have wills/insurances sorted out. We’ve done the same and asked my BIL and his wife to be guardians. DH’s sister found out and seemed slightly put out-but like you, we didn’t think she and her DH were the best fits.