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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset that husband suggested DC goes to his sister if we die?

165 replies

fdinthea · 15/02/2021 13:50

So, in short I don’t have a very good relationship with my in-laws as they have form for being interfering and rude to me, they live in a different city and close to DH’s sister and her family. MIL calls DH to say that she’s had a word with his sister and she’s agreed to have our DC if we were both to pop it and DH said that he’d discuss it with me. I’ve probably seen my SIL maximum of twice a year and have no relationship with her, I don’t know her city at all and no one knows me there. DH and I have loads of friends in our city and I have close family that know both myself and DH very well. If the worst was to happen to us there are plenty of people that know us both intimately and could potentially raise our DC with stories of us both in the city that DH and I have lived in all our adult lives. I feel really hurt that they could think it a good idea that my only child could be sent somewhere that I have no connection to to be raised with people that don’t know me at all. AIBU and sensitive?

OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 15/02/2021 16:02

Is there anyone in your own family who would be willing and suitable?

Cadent · 15/02/2021 16:03

YANBU. The way MIL has broached this is terrible. A normal person would say something like 'have you thought about what would happen to the kids if you and fdinthea weren't around anymore? It came up when your sister and I were talking and your sister said she would be happy to be guardian to the kids. Do you have someone already in mind?

ScarfaceCwaw · 15/02/2021 16:04

If DH and I both cop it, our DC will go to my DSis and her husband. That was a unanimous decision on our parts (probably the shortest serious discussion we've ever had). They live in a different city, but such is life. It has never occurred to me that DH should be upset because the DC would go to my family and not his; we assume all their important relationships with DH's side would continue. And I'd be wary of the viability of DC going to friends, unless it was a very longstanding and close friendship; it's a colossal ask of someone who isn't blood related, and friendships do change and end in a way that family relationships are a lot less prone to.

So I think YAB a bit U. Your MIL was overstepping, but I can see an anxious personality doing so from just wanting to make sure the bases were covered, and your DH didn't roll over. Just discuss it, decide, and tell MIL it's covered. But you need to be really really sure about the friends, if it's friends.

Cadent · 15/02/2021 16:04

We’ve also written wills and have insurance and trusts set up so our friends can viably look after him as well as their own children.

Are you quite well off, OP? Maybe SIL is seeing £££ signs.

ScarfaceCwaw · 15/02/2021 16:07

@Cadent

We’ve also written wills and have insurance and trusts set up so our friends can viably look after him as well as their own children.

Are you quite well off, OP? Maybe SIL is seeing £££ signs.

Yes, it's a well-known way to get rich quick: become guardian to someone else's bereaved DC and administer the trusts in their names of assets which belong to said DC!

What a bizarre thing to think. The SIL was asked, she didn't spontaneously contact the MIL or OP to say "btw we're measuring up the spare bedroom for your DC after you die".

Punching · 15/02/2021 16:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Updatemate · 15/02/2021 16:26

I appreciate that you've had the conversation with your friend, but as said friend, it's an easy thing to say but a very different prospect when faced with it. It's also not always up to you, we've had to go through social services assessments to say we're suitable guardians, even though we were named prior to friends death. We had to very seriously consider the impact 2 bereaved children would have on our own. It was a really hard decision and one I'm not 100% on. If there had been a willing family member I think we'd have agreed that was best, even though it isn't what my friend wanted.

Hoppinggreen · 15/02/2021 16:28

@fdinthea

I have a friend who’s more like a sister that I’ve had for over 30 years that is like an aunt to my DC. She and him adore eachother, she has kids the same age, very comfortable financially and in a secure and happy marriage. Her and her husband are mine and my DH best friends and since this incident, have said that they’d happily have our DC so that’s covered now. I just feel hurt that my DH would willingly send our DC somewhere that he’d have no connection to me or my family and continues to think it would be fine.
While I agree this sounds like the best solution even if you put it in a will there’s no guarantee this would happen.
Anniegetyourgun · 15/02/2021 16:34

On a completely frivolous note, who is the "d" in your username please, OP?

Cadent · 15/02/2021 16:36

@ScarfaceCwaw

Do you usually take tongue in cheek comments so seriously? The question was addressed to OP, not you.

MuddyPawPrintsEverywhere · 15/02/2021 16:38

It's definitely an odd thing for you MIL to go about all this without involving you in the conversation. It's one thing to offer (though even that is odd, since as far as anyone knows it's very unlikely that your child will be left without a parent in the near future), but it's bizarre to act as though they've made the decision for you and it's settled. You're not overreacting to find that odd!

fahlala · 15/02/2021 16:40

Non issue it's nice you have family they can go to should the need arise lucky you have other people too best make a will and make sure your wishes are out in it nothing to worry about nothing to argue about or stress about its just that people in these horrible times are thinking about these things.

MsSquiz · 15/02/2021 16:46

@BungleandGeorge

Is there anyone in your own family who would be willing and suitable?
@BungleandGeorge they don't need to find someone in her family because they have appointed a very close family friend who knows their child well
Idontgiveagriffindamn · 15/02/2021 16:56

@Whitecup4

I doubt your friends really would take on your son. Of course they have said yes, whilst he is a happy, stable, secure loving boy, but he won’t be like that when both his parents are dead. The reality is quite stark, and once imminent friends realise they can’t actually do it no matter how much they want too. That’s also doubled if the couple have their own children too.

Harsh, but it’s realistic.

Every situation is different but this isn’t that unusual. Our friends are guardians for our children as we are for theirs. We’ve had a long and final discussion with them, my parents and my husbands parents and all are ok with it. We are all very close and think of each other as family - often friendship bonds can be stronger than family bonds. I also know that my children would feel more secure with these friends they know and love than my brother who barely knows them. We have named guardians in the Wills but know this is not legally binding so have also written a letter explaining why we have come to this decision and I’ve expressly said why I don’t want family to have them. Of course people can change their minds but after years on friendship I’m sure the OP has a handle on how they are likely to react.
BungleandGeorge · 15/02/2021 17:12

@MsSquiz but it doesn’t say they’ve already appointed the friends in their wills. Just that they have lots of friends etc neared and one particular friend who is close to the mother? If it is already agreed and in both wills it’s a non issue surely?

tttigress · 15/02/2021 17:26

If your dead you won't have much say, I suppose you could make a will be it's usually up to the remaining family. Seem a bit odd all round tbh.

PlantingGreen · 15/02/2021 17:40

@ImRealHonest

Just as a caution to anyone who is saying about the unlikelihood of both dying...

Friends of mine had a huge fall out with his side of the family. When they bought a house and went to make a will, they were advised that unless they specified who was to have the children in the event of them both passing, and they both died together, the kids would go to the youngest of them’s next of kin, in their case the husbands parents.

It’s not unforeseeable that a car crash could kill both parents together. Or a plane crash that the parents are on but not the children. When my sister heard about this, she went to their solicitor and they confirmed it to be true, so they agreed that I would get custody of my nieces if this happened to them.

So please, people, consider this. Especially if you don’t have a simple relationship with both sides of the family

Thats an interesting piece of info. Never knew they would go to the youngest next of kin. Luckily we are going to put a will together soon and naming my SIL and BIL as guardians. My mum was a bit upset by this but she isn't in the best of health and neither are my PIL. We wanted to make sure that my younger sister (who my DS has never met and prob won't meet) would not get custody of my DS should anything happens to me and my DH.
GranaryBread47 · 15/02/2021 17:54

YANBU. Not only is it weird they're discussing this without you (and without genuine reason to) but the fact that your DH is agreeing to this without your knowledge is concerning.

PurpleDaisies · 15/02/2021 18:16

@GranaryBread47

YANBU. Not only is it weird they're discussing this without you (and without genuine reason to) but the fact that your DH is agreeing to this without your knowledge is concerning.
Hasn’t the op also had a conversation about this without agreeing it with the dh? It’s a bit unclear what’s happened here.
fishonabicycle · 15/02/2021 18:40

It's not unusual to think about it and it's nothing to be offended about that they have made a suggestion! You don't have to agree to it.

Dogsaresomucheasier · 15/02/2021 18:51

It’s very presumptuous and inappropriate of your MIL to raise this. I would be very angry, too. It sounds like she oversteps a lot and perhaps you and dh need to have a serious conversation about this. He should be supporting you by not engaging in this type of conversation with his mother,
“That’s a conversation for me to have with my wife,” or “wife and I have already arranged...”

Objectively a sister/aunt is a reasonable person to consider, but it’s your decision and not something for mil to be weighing in on.

lottiegarbanzo · 15/02/2021 19:53

You and DH discuss, decide and write your intentions into your wills. That is all.

Unfairestofthemall · 15/02/2021 19:59

If me and my exh die then the kids go to my mum. Was discussed before my DS was born and my DD was added to the mix when she was born also.
I do think it's important to have these things planned we are in our late 20s and the kids are 7+5. I would like to think nothings going to happen but we both have life insurance and wills incase. Forward planning is the best planning, rather have it then never need it than not have it and need it.
I do think it's weird they discussed this and decided where your DC go without you.

Colorindex · 15/02/2021 20:57

‘ If your dead you won't have much say, I suppose you could make a will be it's usually up to the remaining family’

It’s really not if a will has been made with a clear request of who will look after the children. Unless the guardians refuse it are deemed really unsuitable ( drug addicts or something serious) then it the parents wishes will be adhered to.
Courts are aware that some money grubbing relative could try to stake a claim on the kids...
It’s not like the kids are just tossed to the nearest -and youngest relative...

Colorindex · 15/02/2021 20:59

I would not be offended at the discussion or suggestion though. It could well have come up in a convo they were having about someone else’s kids which lead into your kids.