AIBU to be upset that husband suggested DC goes to his sister if we die?

[fdinthea]

So, in short I don’t have a very good relationship with my in-laws as they have form for being interfering and rude to me, they live in a different city and close to DH’s sister and her family. MIL calls DH to say that she’s had a word with his sister and she’s agreed to have our DC if we were both to pop it and DH said that he’d discuss it with me. I’ve probably seen my SIL maximum of twice a year and have no relationship with her, I don’t know her city at all and no one knows me there. DH and I have loads of friends in our city and I have close family that know both myself and DH very well. If the worst was to happen to us there are plenty of people that know us both intimately and could potentially raise our DC with stories of us both in the city that DH and I have lived in all our adult lives. I feel really hurt that they could think it a good idea that my only child could be sent somewhere that I have no connection to to be raised with people that don’t know me at all. AIBU and sensitive?

Now you’re blaming her for not divulging from the off but she’s not responsible for your trigger happy assumptions, it’s your own fault.

No I don't agree. But we're all entitled to our own opinion. If someone posts something unpleasant with no reason as to why, and just drip feeds, they can expect to get called out for it. If they're happy with that then no problem. Because I don't care that much.

You’re entitled to your opinion. But if you make superficial snap judgements about someone you’ve never met and end up talking cack, take responsibility for the egg on your own face, and be prepared to be called out on it yourself.

@CurlyReds

You don’t sound like a great person Why - because I don’t want more children? I’m disabled and so is my son, I struggle to cope just with him and I can’t realistically take on another child. I’ve explained this to SIL and DH but they insist that if SIL dies her son will live with DH. Fine but I won’t be there. I don’t think it’s unreasonable or nasty to say I can’t cope with an additional child.

Ahhh the old bait and switch

You’re entitled to your opinion. But if you make superficial snap judgements about someone you’ve never met and end up talking cack, take responsibility for the egg on your own face, and be prepared to be called out on it yourself

Egg on my face 🤣 Give over. You seem to assuming that people would feel the same way you do on an alleged calling out. I'm just not feeling the calling out out here. Just seeing the situation for what it is. Now take your egg and save it for your breakfast.

Ahhh the old bait and switch

A classic technique indeed.

@CurlyReds disabled or not, I don't think you're wrong in your decision or sound 'not a great person'.

It's always shitty when a man makes some grand heroic offer and expects his wife to take on the actual burden.

When we were considering it we opted for friends over family, as relatives who might be in a position to take DC on were much older, and those who were younger would have to make major career and lifestyle changes if they were to suddenly become parents, which didn’t seem realistic.
We have specified two couples with children of a similar age to DC, with them to make the call between them on who is in a better position to take them on. In terms of personal circumstances not finances, as DC would come with insurance money etc. My clear preference is for a couple who have known DC since 3 weeks old, and know him intimately, and parent in a similar style. I also know that if the worst happened theirs would be a house full of love and cuddles, and familiarity. The other couple is lovely too, but overseas, so it would mean a change of country, main language and effective loss of all current friends and family, which would be completely devastating in my view. Hoping it is never needed of course.

@Solasum - how can your children moving overseas away from everything and everyone they've ever known possibly make more sense to you than "my sibling might need to make adjustments at work to be there for the kids"; adjustments they may well make for their own children soon enough and in any event are made by new parents every day of the year? There must be something else to your story, because it doesn't make sense.

@Mrex I probably didn’t express it well, sorry. We are a binational household. I picked one family (who are in the UK where we live), DP picked the other (who are his dear friends but in the country where he is from). My preference would be for my friends, in the UK, if the worst happened.

But if they were not in a position to take DC, the only other viable option would be this other family, as my UK family are 1) well past the age that taking on small kids would be possible as they would almost certainly die before they were adults, or 2) super high flying, single, with a lot of travelling career wise, and so to have to take on DC they would have to completely alter their own lifestyle, which we thought would add a lot of stress to an already dreadful time.

Did you speak with your sibling @Solasum? I would have fit that description when two DNs were little, and I would have changed everything to give them a home if it was needed. They would have needed to be with someone who knew and loved them more than anything else.

@MRex it isn’t a sibling, but wider family. DC love my friends (and their DC), and say seeing them is the thing they are looking forward to most post lockdown, so really think that would be the least bad option. :)

People need to make living wills. The most common scenario is a car accident and the possibility of being in a coma. SS will need to place the child somewhere immediately. If family step forward, they will always be the first choice, unless a living will is produced. But even then the child may not go to non blood relatives. It's rare for a child to go to another country, if there's any alternatives and that includes Foster care. The UK has a duty of care and that can't be executed if the child is in another country. Even transfers between LAs can take weeks, it would be months, if not a year, going through Court to allow a child to take up residency in another country. The nominated family need a copy of the living will and be prepared for investigation. You need to minimise the risk of Foster care because of in-fighting over residency. Likewise it would be better to have realistic (Family Court wise) choices. The new carers would still have to facilitate contact with birth family, manage the child's grief, take up any services suggested by SS or the school and deal with the behaviour/drop in school work caused by bereavement. There's many who think they can do it but come to realise the negative effects it is having on their own children.

I think if you're going to choose friends as guardians, you need to have talked that through with family when the decision was made.

When you're grieving a double loss, is not the time to find that the children of the son/daughter/sibling/cousin you loved and lost (presumably tragically) are going to be homed outside the family. It's not as though you can find out what the reasons were. Even if they were good ones. the children going elsewhere could be felt as yet another loss.