Page 4 | AIBU to be upset that husband suggested DC goes to his sister if we die?

PurpleDaisies · 15/02/2021 15:09

What you’re saying now about the friend who would adopt your child as their own if you and your dh died is totally different from the situation presenting in your earlier posts.

MyLittleOrangutan · 15/02/2021 15:10

I definitely think it's a conversation you teo should be having and making a decision over. Its not like he's written a will and appointed her as guardian,he's only asked you so I dont think he did anything wrong. Just explain that they wouldnt be a good match and talk about who would be.

MsSquiz · 15/02/2021 15:11

@31RooCambon

''I just feel hurt that my DH would willingly send our DC somewhere that he’d have no connection to me or my family and continues to think it would be fine.''

His sister is not somebody who has no connection to him or his family though.

She might have a biological connection, but if she only sees them once or twice a year, they wouldn't be my choice of guardian for my child.

PurpleDaisies · 15/02/2021 15:12

I just feel hurt that my DH would willingly send our DC somewhere that he’d have no connection to me or my family and continues to think it would be fine.

Wasn’t he involved in the conversation where you arranged with your friend that she would take him on?

daisyjgrey · 15/02/2021 15:12

It's completely sensible to plan for something like this...for YOU to plan, as a couple. Not anyone else.

I'm a single mum and my will says that until she's 18 my daughter is cared for by my sister, unless she'd like to stay more local (sister is an hour away) and then she can stay with my mum and dad if they're able to care for her, but my sister has the parental responsibility.

I also have a close friend of 20+ years as an executor of the will and who would oversee management of my daughters trust/inheritance.

All completely normal to plan for catastrophes, we have car insurance, it's not dissimilar. I'd be telling my MIL to fuck right off though. Or just say "yes that sounds great, thank you" and then put something completely different in your will and make sure it's known that the in laws are fucking mental.

cabbagevan · 15/02/2021 15:13

I agree with your DH, ideally it should be family and not friends.

eggandonion · 15/02/2021 15:14

Does MIL know you have a will sorted? Or does she assume you don't? My parents in law were bewildered that we had made wills, including provision for our kids. They were bewildered that my parents had made wills, and as I was an executor I couldn't keep most of the money and not tell anyone.
People have strange ideas about wills.

MixedUpFiles · 15/02/2021 15:14

It’s bizarre that you are upset by his suggestion of a family member. That is no less valid than a friend who lives in the same city. Discussing who will raise your children if you die is a normal discussion for parents to have. You have to evaluate all your options. No one is going to be perfect. It’s also possible that over time your ideal guardians may change. That is the case for DH and I. As dd has gotten older and we have gotten to know her better, we can see that a different family member would be a better choice if something we’re to happen to us.

This isn’t about who you love more. It’s about what is best for your child. You sit down, act like a grown up, and rationally discuss who is capable of handling the very difficult task or raising a child who has lost her parents. A family member makes it easier to maintain ties to family, but obviously family is not the only option.

MegaClutterSlut · 15/02/2021 15:15

I personally don't think its a weird thing to talk about, not a nice thing but should be talked about imo. I do think its interfering of your mil to talk to sil about it, it should be you arranging it. I've signed paperwork for me to have my best friends son if anything happens to her and also I have agreed to have my 3 nieces and nephews too but hopely that won't need to happen.

Given the circumstances in your op I wouldn't want the sil having the dc either tbh sounds like they barely know her

TomHardyAndMe · 15/02/2021 15:17

@fdinthea

So, in short I don’t have a very good relationship with my in-laws as they have form for being interfering and rude to me, they live in a different city and close to DH’s sister and her family. MIL calls DH to say that she’s had a word with his sister and she’s agreed to have our DC if we were both to pop it and DH said that he’d discuss it with me. I’ve probably seen my SIL maximum of twice a year and have no relationship with her, I don’t know her city at all and no one knows me there. DH and I have loads of friends in our city and I have close family that know both myself and DH very well. If the worst was to happen to us there are plenty of people that know us both intimately and could potentially raise our DC with stories of us both in the city that DH and I have lived in all our adult lives. I feel really hurt that they could think it a good idea that my only child could be sent somewhere that I have no connection to to be raised with people that don’t know me at all. AIBU and sensitive?

Whoever you choose, please just make sure they know and agree to it. DH and I were only told after we (DINKIES at the time) had been put in his best friends’ wills as the future guardians should anything happen to both of them. Their 4 children were all under 5 years old and we lived in a 2 bed flat in London.

They took us off it when we had DD because “we wouldn’t love theirs like our own anymore”.

BungleandGeorge · 15/02/2021 15:17

I’d much rather have a family member than a friend, family is for life and have a shared heritage, would likely be in contact with other family etc. I don’t think it’s at all odd that he has nominated his sister, who presumably he’s known since birth and knows whether she’d do a good job. If you’d rather have a friend that’s something for the pair of you to work out.

Whitecup4 · 15/02/2021 15:17

Friends are never a good option really. Would the friend have the boys family, who she doesn’t even know, your DHs mum, sister, 5 cousins at her house for birthdays and Christmas’? I imagine that would get disruptive with her own children also asking why Jonny gets 2/3 loads of presents- days out- holidays ect.

The reality of the situation is just so different to how you would imagine it.

Family would be the wiser choice for the child- not for you.

SeasonFinale · 15/02/2021 15:18

Sorry, if I missed it. I saw you have wills, trusts and insurance but have you also appointed guardians in your Wills.

My DC are all older than 18 now but I had my cousin initially and then good friends who had similar views on education etc named as guardians and not my ILS who maybe saw the kids once a year, had no idea what they liked or were interested in. It made much more sense that if our children were still minors that their lives would be able to continue in familiar surroundings (eg. schools, town etc) than be shipped off to relatives they were merely acquaintances with.

Crazycatlady83 · 15/02/2021 15:20

I think it’s actually very important to say exactly what the intentions in your will is to people who you think will kick off about it. The appointment of a Guardian in a will gives the Guardian parental responsibility. If SIL or MIL want to contest this, they will do so by going to court. This leaves a lot for your appointed guardian to deal with, on top of dealing with a bereaved child. And it’s obviously costly as well! By resolving any disputes before they arise, this will save a lot of hassle if the worst happens.

It absolutely isn’t the case that social services will get involved come what may. Social services only get involved when a child is at risk. If you have made proper provision in your will, there will be someone with parental responsibility for your child and they will not be at risk. Social services won’t get involved simply cos MIL or SIL disagree (and they won’t “assess” your Guardians as “suitable” unless they do something to warrant concern) It will be up to MIL or SIL to contest it through the courts.

blondiepigtails · 15/02/2021 15:23

Shit happens. Tragically it sometimes happens that both parents die in an accident. If you have children then you have a responsibility to ensure that they will be looked after by someone who is happy to bring them up as you would wish. Family are preferable but I was nominated by a friend for her daughter because she trusted me.
Make a decision. Make an appropriate will. Set up a life insurance policy for both of you - a family income policy would ensure that there is a monthly payment until the youngest child has finished full time education - put it into Trust so that it doesn't form part of your estate - the life insurance adviser will explain this.
Its not being mawkish talking about these things! Do it now!

mootymoo · 15/02/2021 15:23

It is a good idea to nominate guardians, I would simply thank them for the offer and you will bear it in mind. It can be hard deciding but bear in mind it's a worst case scenario. I have a brother without children who we named, it was a joint choice

Chloemol · 15/02/2021 15:28

It’s right you chose someone, and make a will stating what you want

It’s not fright that your mil gets involved

If you have agreed with your friends, then great, but make sure your will is clear

m0therofdragons · 15/02/2021 15:28

Dh and I have appointed guardians and they know who they are but also know that this needn’t be disclosed unless the situation were to arise as it would inevitably cause upset. Those who aren’t guardians should still have regular contact as per our wishes. Just say thanks then have in writing the actual guardians so there’s no doubt upon death.

chestnutSquash · 15/02/2021 15:30

Everybody should make a will, take out life insurance and appoint a guardian for their DC, having agreed with the guardian. Then, once your Dc are 18, you can breathe a sigh of relief and update the will.

ElijahsMoon · 15/02/2021 15:37

I think its a bit of a weird thing for MIL to just randomly pop into conversation to be honest. However I wouldn't be offended by it at all. I would simply discuss it with DH, decline with the reasons you have given (you wouldn't want to uproot DC from their home town to a strange place with someone they don't have a daily/weekly connection to) and leave it at that. I don't get the offensive part of it. Just put MIL back in her box and continue with your life.

Colorindex · 15/02/2021 15:38

Talk to your husband, decide who you would like to be guardians of the worst happens, ask them if they would be guardians, decide who will be executor of your will and trustee for your kids money - ideally a separate person from the guardian - and go and make a will. Have your wishes made crystal clear in your will. Bosh, done and end of conversation. Have your DH tell his family it is sorted.
The fact they’re talking about it would make me worry that they might try to make a kids/inheritance grab if the worst did happen.

Colorindex · 15/02/2021 15:39

Every parent should have a will that states who they want to look after their kids in the worst case scenario of both parents being dead. It should be compulsory.

Colorindex · 15/02/2021 15:42

Bearing in mind that many kids would be considered wealthy these days because of house prices if their parents died - house inheritance, life insurance - it’s really important that you pick good, decent, trustworthy guardians to look after them and their inheritance until they come of age...

Nanny0gg · 15/02/2021 15:42

@31RooCambon

''I just feel hurt that my DH would willingly send our DC somewhere that he’d have no connection to me or my family and continues to think it would be fine.''

His sister is not somebody who has no connection to him or his family though.

She is if she has barely seen the DC

TatianaBis · 15/02/2021 15:54

To put it another way - SIL is offering to take in your kids if you die. It's a nice gesture even if you wouldn't want her to have them.

It's odd for MIL to have brought it up though because it's none of her business.

I'm not sure about friends taking your kids, would they if it actually came to the crunch? Our kids' guardians are all family members.