To refuse to work with him after this

[CurlyReds]

I’ve been a SAHM for a couple of years and I’m due to return to work. DH has been thinking about self employment for some time and asked if he took the leap would I consider working with him as his assistant? I agreed - I figure if it doesn’t work out I can always get a job at that point.

We’ve arranged for my mum (bubble) to babysit every Sunday so we can set up his new business and he can teach me the stuff I’ll need to know. Yesterday (Valentines Day) she was babysitting and we were in the spare room office, supposed to be working but he was trying to snog and feel me. I said no, my mum is downstairs and she’s giving up her time to help us do work, not for you to get your kicks.

So he lost his temper and said there’s no point setting up a business if I don’t want a relationship with him, he stomped off and took my mum home. So we couldn’t do any work after that because we had to look after DC.

I’m now thinking I can’t work with him if he’s going to fire me every time he doesn’t get his own way. I also think it’s blackmail and controlling, saying he will remove my job opportunity if he doesn’t get his own way. Truthfully I’m wondering if I should just divorce him after this behaviour.

OP as others have said you need to get a job outside the home even if only p/t.

Apart from anything else it would be foolish to both rely on his earnings (which won't be much if it is a new business). I would also question the wisdom of starting a new business while we still have the Covid Crisis?

I presume he has formulated a business plan?

A well-paid f/t job isn't something to be sniffed at in the present economic climate.

I once worked with my husband, but never again.
Some people are just naturally idle, and I'll always now avoid being in a position where I'd have to check that
paperwork was up-to-date, rather than stuffed into the back of a drawer, in the car-boot etc. It's easy to allocate responsibility, but more difficult to sort out
delays, particularly when these cost money and
there's only one other person available.
Much later, when my tutor asked me if I'd like to work with him on the foreign study trips, I knew enough to refuse politely. I think his wife did too.

Sexual harassment in the workplace! Sorry OP it won’t work without fixed boundaries in place and respect.

@IEat

He was feeling frisky, there’s a way of saying no without hurting/embarrassing the other person. Not the ideal place for dtd but maybe he thought getting caught was a big turn on

Ugh! Being caught by your autistic child or your mother in law? How very sexy. If that was genuinely his thought process then he needs to seek help for sexual dysfunction.

@CurlyReds, you have had some good suggestions to think over and consider adopting.
Let me add another point. Have you considered how likely it is that his project will succeed?
He may be a good and successful employee, but being an entrepreneur is very different.
If he can't concentrate on work to teach or train you on a specially set up session. How realistic are his plans?

YANBU, OP, just YANBU.

I feel angry at your DH and I'm just a stranger, you must be feeling even worse.

He's got a wee fantasy in his head of you being his kinky, biddable assistant. You ruined his little fantasy so he's lashing out at you.

Pretty fucking sad.

FFS you should be able to turn him down whatever bloody day it is, Valentines, Christmas, his bloody birthday, any day and without fear of consequences. What is his problem, it was entirely inappropriate with your mother and kids downstairs.

I can read how very frustrated you are and I feel so much for you. There is so much discrimination against autistic people in the workplace the numbers are like 16% work full time! Its a disgrace and many wont understand how demoralizing that is after youve worked so hard, it angers me so much that employers get away with it so much.

I don't know the answer but unless your husband apologizes and agrees to behave as he would in an open office then I don't think you can work with him. However if he commits to a fair and professional workplace even if is just those 4 hours each Sunday then its worth a try.

I'm going to go against the majority. I think you should keep trying with the business, but first have a proper talk with your dh about having boundaries between work and private life, and taking the training seriously. YOu said you've been doing the sunday training for a month, so is this the first time he's been like this rather than just getting on with the training?

Working from home might be good for you in terms of cutting your stress, and you might learn new skills that could lead to a successful buisiness or a different job. If not, then you can always go back to supermarket work, but you might regret not giving this a try, especially as you see it as your only other job option. The risk is that your dh would have given up his paid job if it all goes wrong, and that might put you in a difficult position financially, so you have to work out if it's worth the risk.

Working unnecessary long hours when you needed him at home is a real dick move. I can see why you don't fancy shagging him at any opportunity.

The risk is that your dh would have given up his paid job if it all goes wrong
He wants to do that anyway though, regardless of whether I work with him or not. He says he’ll regret not giving it a try because it’s a life goal.
Have you considered how likely it is that his project will succeed?
If he gets clients then I have no doubt he’ll succeed. His plans are very realistic and several of his colleagues with less experience have set up independently and succeeded. Business in his sector is booming due to Covid. We have a year’s salary saved up so we could earn nothing for a year and still pay the bills. My main concern at this point is his lack of boundaries and apparent lack of professional respect for me.

many wont understand how demoralizing that is after youve worked so hard
I don’t get this attitude that nobody is entitled to expect a better job. If you’ve spent thousands of pounds and years of your life doing qualifications, plus the cost and time of additional CPD to improve your chances, and the effort of hundreds of job applications.., then I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect that to pay off, or to be upset that you end up working at Asda and wasting all of your effort.

Personally I would keep the job outside of the home & look for a new one. You can assist with his business on the side.
Good luck.

Thanks @RubyFakeLips that’s really helpful. Currently I have 4h a week to train, the plan was to start trading in September when DS starts school and that would be full time depending on workload. DH has trained new graduates in the past to work as his assistant so he’s confident that he could train me, in addition to me doing general admin, accounts and marketing.

If I were you, I would try to get back into the supermarket role. It's easier to get a job when you have a job.
I’ve had a supermarket job for years. It’s never helped me to get a better job. In fact I’ve had employers tell me they think I’m not suitable to work with people and they recommend I should stay at Asda where I don’t have to interact with anyone.

I even offered to work for free as a trial, but the employer said it would be unfair to bring me into a role that I’m unlikely to be kept on in, and even the trial period would likely damage the company’s relations with customers who met me. So as you can imagine that made me feel great.

Since I‘ve been a SAHM I’ve volunteered as a charity trustee for four years and I do a lot of very complex paperwork. That experience got me an interview last month - the employer said they were impressed with my knowledge but after meeting me via Zoom they felt I wasn’t a good fit with the existing team. Again. I cried my eyes out and DH said he’s been wanting to start his own business for ages and he’d train me to work with him if I wanted to. Perhaps he was just talking shit because I was crying. Bear in mind he’s watched this cycle of rejection repeated over and over for a decade, and me crying over and over. Which makes it extra cruel that he’s basically fired me yesterday because I wasn’t interested in sex when we were supposed to be working.

That's why I don't think
you should work with him

Op, can I ask, and you don’t need to answer, but what is it about yout speech that’s the issue? You write well, you’re educated, you completed a degree, youve worked on the checkout, you work for a charity, all of which will cause you to need to speak to people.

Is there anything that can be done to help you with this element?

Sorry I would be telling him you are getting a job outside the home. Then if there is time evenings or weekends you will help out

Hello OP. Do NOT work with your DH in his business.

My DH set up his own business about 3 years ago and he wanted me to be a co-director (and help him with admin). I said no. This was for eggs-in-basket reasons: new businesses are so risky, I felt it was best that only one of our names was linked. Also, I didn't want to have work tasks and deadlines to deliver for my DH. Nightmare! That would be worse than the washing-up rota...

Come the pandemic his business had to close. My salary has supported us all year. So I think it was the right decision, for me to be unconnected to his business.

You need to forge your own path for income. And I know it is really difficult to do that, picking up from the toddler years, when carving out times with childcare is so difficult.

You mention your autistic traits and these counting against you at interview. I wonder if you can look into schemes which are specifically there to help people with disabilities or who need adjustments, to get into work. Some schemes guarantee you an interview - and imagine an interview where the interviewers are fore-armed with a reason for why your interview responses might seem the way they are.

I'd also check out your local council, some have "temporary staff registers" which are a great way to get in, get some different work experience, then you're more lined up for other internal vacancies when they arise. Eg, lots of the covid testing related jobs local to me are being filled from the Council's temporary staff register, the interview bar is not so high. (similar with registering with a temp agency perhaps too)

I can’t work out what it is that this business will be that has specific trading date and a 7 month training schedule but that’s by the by.

I would implore you not to go up to the 5 days, keep it at 3 or 4 initially. Or work out some schedule of mornings and afternoons, do that work on the weekends, whatever works, but not the entire time. Make him commit to this plan for you too.

A child at school is not all day and you need to take advantage of that time. Children are often at their most demanding when they get home from school, tired, hungry and wanting your attention. You will have about 6 hours 5 days a week to yourself, use them to reach your goals and reach your potential!

When you have a plan and you’re working towards that, you will eventually gain a sense of purpose and fulfilment that is tied to you alone. As I said, get therapy invest in yourself. You wouldn’t sit around with a damaged knee and no support, get mental health support. If you start a training course as I suggested find out if they do any mentorship schemes, both these things will also help your verbal communication.

I don't want to sound mean but you are deluded if you think working for your husband a few hours a week under some kind of 'office manager' guise is going to catapult you into the workplace.

E-Marketing is heavily in demand right now. Prices are high and good companies are booked up.

Lots of little businesses trying to survive by moving online Lots of larger ones ramping up their digital operations. Lots of individuals trying to supplement their income by setting up ebay shops etc. And then there is the whole "pivot" that companies are doing away from the EU market and towards the UK one.

People who understand online marketing are like gold dust these days.

If its "interpersonal skills" that are the issue, then get some online coaching, but a lot of the kind of emotional interaction stuff is a bit different online and be set up before hand - a calm background, good lighting, clear audio.

Who would be your husband's clients...would they be interested in e-marketing support and could he recommend you as a way of getting you started?

Op after reading the entire thread, l totally get where you are coming from,
You are well thought out and articulate and have covered all your bases financially.
So l would not give up on this yet, but you need to set up ground rules and write it up as a 'contract' with your DH.
Find a way to calmly express what you have said here, that you are desperate to use your brain, but will not be an unequal partner.
Also set boundaries on how you speak to each other, if he speaks to you in any way he wouldn't speak to a paid employee or other director then that is unacceptable.
Lastly he has to understand that work time is just that, and personal time is outside of that.
If he cannot take on board ( fully ) this then it will fail.
I have worked partly with my DH over many years, and the best thing we did was to set up.... what if?... scenarios at the beginning, and decided what the parameters would be and how to reach an acceptable option.
Sometimes l have had to let go of an option l wanted, and sometimes he has. We agreed never to go ahead unless both of us were on board and once a decision was made to leave it made.
Be warned it is hard to work with your DH.... if you are not calm people with decent communication skills, it could destry your business, financial security and marriage. Putting the boundaries in now and getting each others full acceptance of such is essential.

With IT skills there are jobs you could do that don't need F2F contact, particularly in the post-Covid economy with remote working.

One obvious option would be PeoplePerHour - you could pick up all kinds of work there.

Equally you might find you could get work on a technical support team for a company - you'd only need phone skills.

Some types of IT advisors work exclusively remotely now.

@Cailleachian

E-Marketing is heavily in demand right now. Prices are high and good companies are booked up.

Lots of little businesses trying to survive by moving online Lots of larger ones ramping up their digital operations. Lots of individuals trying to supplement their income by setting up ebay shops etc. And then there is the whole "pivot" that companies are doing away from the EU market and towards the UK one.

People who understand online marketing are like gold dust these days.

If its "interpersonal skills" that are the issue, then get some online coaching, but a lot of the kind of emotional interaction stuff is a bit different online and be set up before hand - a calm background, good lighting, clear audio.

Who would be your husband's clients...would they be interested in e-marketing support and could he recommend you as a way of getting you started?

Good points.

Have you tried any disability recruitment schemes op? I had a friend with physical and speech difficulties but she successfully worked at a large bank and later police headquarters. Her skills were office/typing. She would never have been employed in office in normal way eg she couldn’t answer phone, carry heavy files but could audiotype so with reasonable adjustments could work.

@Dragongirl10 and @TatianaBis make excellent points and are nice about it too. (I never understand the vitriolic posts - unnecessary and nasty. Often to those who display vulnerability too 🙄).
You come across great OP. Also, do not underestimate the skills and experience of being a SAHM. Working for yourself in your chosen field would be fantastic for you. You could do this alongside your DH's business too perhaps?
When you look at what you have experienced could you help others in similar positions? Start your own Charity? As outsiders, we can see a world of possibilities open to you. Those rejections? Steering you in to doing what You want 😊.
DH? Now you've given it some space, the conversation so wonderfully suggested by @Dragongirl10 may just be the way to go. YANBU. Work first then a bit of the other, if time and Mum could not hear.