To refuse to work with him after this

[CurlyReds]

I’ve been a SAHM for a couple of years and I’m due to return to work. DH has been thinking about self employment for some time and asked if he took the leap would I consider working with him as his assistant? I agreed - I figure if it doesn’t work out I can always get a job at that point.

We’ve arranged for my mum (bubble) to babysit every Sunday so we can set up his new business and he can teach me the stuff I’ll need to know. Yesterday (Valentines Day) she was babysitting and we were in the spare room office, supposed to be working but he was trying to snog and feel me. I said no, my mum is downstairs and she’s giving up her time to help us do work, not for you to get your kicks.

So he lost his temper and said there’s no point setting up a business if I don’t want a relationship with him, he stomped off and took my mum home. So we couldn’t do any work after that because we had to look after DC.

I’m now thinking I can’t work with him if he’s going to fire me every time he doesn’t get his own way. I also think it’s blackmail and controlling, saying he will remove my job opportunity if he doesn’t get his own way. Truthfully I’m wondering if I should just divorce him after this behaviour.

I am by no means excusing your "d"h's tantrum yesterday, but I do recognise what you say about this being a potentially exciting move for you with the potential to open new career doors. It must have been very frustrating to be turned down for so many jobs, despite your qualifications and additional training for 6 years before you had your dcs.

It sounds to me as if you and your dh have thought the business idea through. It may or may not work out as you both hoped, but it is something you can both see working.

Yesterday was the first time you had started working together. It was also Valentine's Day. It was also the first time you have had alone together for a year. Whilst your dh should not have stormed off like that, it may be that he had very clear expectations for the afternoon, as you did. They were just very different expectations.

If he has finished sulking, talk to him. Ask him if he is serious about starting this business? But ask him if it is possible to do that, and to be parents, and to "have a relationship"? He wants time alone with you - but you are "having a breakdown" and he has to work long hours in the job that he is doing. With your autistic traits, I am sure you need clear expectations and clear boundaries. He seems to have just assumed that he could be spontaneous, and blur the boundaries. Does he understand how your mind works at all?!

If he becomes self employed, there may well be time for him to help with the school drop off, and do more with the children. There will also be time for you to be alone together and work on your relationship, as well as building a business. Talk about how that will work out for you both, and see if he is prepared to go back to using Sunday afternoons to getting the business off the ground first. If he had said that he needed yesterday afternoon for time together, just one afternoon before you started the business, would you have agreed? Or are you too tired and stressed to make that decision now?

It's fine if you are. Just talk to him and realise that you are balancing a huge amount between you at the moment. It's hard when your little ones are little. It's been hard on everyone during lockdown. Don't give up on your dreams yet. Just talk about them some more to make sure that you are both on the same page.

You'd be mad to work with him after this, he has no respect for you as an individual.

I'd also be very annoyed that he stropped off and took your mum home. Why is it for HIM to decide that baby sitting time is over? You could have used a few hours of child free time to do something for yourself.

OP. It's not your technical skills that are causing a barrier, it's your interpersonal skills
I know. That’s always been the issue. If it wasn’t, I’d have had a decent job over a decade ago and wouldn’t be in this situation. I’ve already had support courses and speech therapy to help me. I don’t know what else to do. I’ve pretty much given up on the possibility of ever being chosen to be hired. I was happy when DH was willing to give me a job because nobody else ever has. Then he’s snatched it away.

Could you learn how to program?
My degree is Business Computing and for my 4th year option I picked E-Marketing. I can already program to a certain extent. I’m not good at it, my brain isn’t wired that way. I already have ECDL and advanced skills with Word and Excel etc.

But my mum has put herself out to help on a Sunday afternoon - to help ME get into an office job with flexible hours so I have a professional future ahead of me

But it's not an office job. It's doing something in your back bedroom, for your husband who can't afford to pay you any salary. Honestly, I'd go out and get paid work.

Agree with above, DH saw yesterday as 'alone' time for sex and you saw it as first day training for your new job.
Big communication breakdown.
However, 4 hours a week (training for 6 months?????) That started yesterday for a business that does not exist sounds bizarre.

You both have very different ideas of what you want from this arrangement, for that alone it won’t work long term.

You need to recognise what you’re asking from him. You’re expecting him to be more than just supportive. Supportive is for something that you’re doing independently, but it seems like for him to be supportive in your mind he has to actually do it for you. He has to set up a whole business, and he has to train you up, at the same time as you reject any affection for him. It’s understandable that he doesn’t think there’s a point to him setting up a business for you when you don’t want a relationship with him.

Your husband isn’t a monster in this. I’m not saying you are either, but you do need to look at both perspectives here, not just your own.

Having seen your update makes a difference because you have been doing training courses and trying to improve your skills.

A word of warning though, my DH has been SE ever since we met, and I can count on one hand the times hes been avaialble for school pick up and drop offs, sports days etc (he doesn't work from home)
My DC are older now but I did most bedtimes on my own, when they were young. I've never known any different but its not a given that being SE will give more free time.

This is my chance to get an office job and have a husband who’s a business owner.

why not work on YOU being a business owner if that status is that important to you?

Or apply for jobs seriously and realistically and be prepared to do some temp work in the meantime.

Just be warned now that being self-employed or a business owner means MORE working hours and saying good bye to a 9 to 5 or switching off from the office.
Starting a business means being on it with no break, as you are still thinking about it.

Plenty of parents manage to juggle a child and work, it's less than ideal but half the school kids are currently home at the moment!

If his behaviour is making you contemplate divorce, why would you give him power over your employment?

May be helpful, ignore if you've already looked

www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/employment/seeking-work

Working with your spouse is not easy and the beginning is definitely challenging. DH and I work together, but do different things and don't step on each toes. I worked for years in Marketing but had to learn a lot about Accounting and Payroll.

When you start a business your hours can be unpredictable, especially right now with Covid, and you can be working 70h per week during certain months, and barely have an income the rest of the year.

What I'd suggest you do, is doing some office work for him, to get some experience and take a supermarket job, a weekend one, to have an income. That way you are more likely to get hired by another company.

At the moment there are lots of experienced people out there, with plenty of qualifications, who are unemployed.

I haven't read the whole thread, but a few things that jump out to me..

Having a husband that owns his own business is not all that. Hard work, long hours, sometimes hard to get time off/away.

Working with your partner can be very tricky

Degree or not, there are a lot of people grateful for their supermarket job and over the next few months a lot more people are going to be applying for such roles, given that any job is better than no job

I actually think I have more chance of some equality when he’s his own boss and can choose to be available at bedtime or do the school run. Currently his employer is totally inflexible so I’m solely in charge of DC.

That's really not how owning your own business works - especially not a the beginning. I run my own business and if the work needs doing, you do it, no matter what time it is, because if you don't, your clients will just go elsewhere.

I have days where, yes, it's quiet and (if we had DC) I could be available for the school run or bedtime, but other days I'm run off my feet and if I had to work at 3pm then that's just what I'd have to do.

If you're not available for your clients, they'll just go somewhere else.

OP, sack off the husband, and look at stuff like this instead.

www.peopleperhour.com/freelance-admin-jobs.

Proposals are submitted online to opportunities posted, and you can preface the interpersonal issues (if needed) by pointing out the strengths that leads to.

I can't imagine wanting to give any more of my life to someone who had already driven me to a nervous breakdown.

More space is needed - not more stress.

Yesterday was the first time you had started working together. It was also Valentine's Day.
We’ve been working on Sundays for the past month. I don’t care if it’s Valentines Day, that’s my work time, my only time with no kids, to work on my skills. It’s not like he made the effort to buy me a card or anything (I bought him a card, not that I’m bothered just making a point).

He wants time alone with you - but you are "having a breakdown" and he has to work long hours in the job that he is doing
I already had a breakdown. I was hallucinating due to lack of sleep and one day I just lay down in the road sobbing and waited for a car to squash me. I reported myself to social services because I couldn’t cope with DC, who I think may also be autistic. DH was furious because he thought I should just cope with it and not involve SS. He was choosing to work longer hours than he was contracted for, prioritising his promotion above my need for support. In the end my mum stepped up to babysit and give me time to sleep. My son sleeps much better now so she doesn’t do that any more.

I feel like my son is such hard work and the second I get a break from him, DH is on my back for sex. Sorry but my break time is for ME. My mum is putting herself out and taking a risk to babysit during the pandemic for MY benefit. It makes me angry that DH thinks that I should go straight from looking after DC to looking after HIM.

He just wanted a bit of cheeky fun for gods sake! You're absolutely allowed to say no if you don't fancy it - of course! But your "shes come to help us whilst we work, not for you to get your 'kicks'...." was extremely nasty and uncalled for!!!!

You're married. You (presumably) fancy each other and he just wanted a bit of fun. You didn't - fair enough. However I'm sure if you'd been a bit kinder and less condescending in turning him down, it would've been a "fair enough" and you'd have got on with working.

You hurt his feelings! I'm not saying him storming out and saying what he said was 100% justified but I totally get why he stormed out!

You sound extremely hard work

Oh op, I just read your update about the autistic traits, I really feel for you it sounds like your self esteem is on the floor. Have you tried applying public sector and being upfront about the difficulty you have with speech and interpersonal relationships? I have found public sector office work tends to be more understanding re disability and have more robust protections in place

Has he got some sort of "boss and secretary" fantasy going on?

You need to sit down and talk to him.
You need to set out the boundaries on how you are going to work.

It sounds like this could be a good entry level role for you.
But don't stand in the background, you need to up your exposure and work on your interpersonal skills if this is holding you back. Sounds to me it is also confidence.

Given what you said it sounds like you want to do this.
Make sure he is not controlling and you are getting yourself deeper into being isolated.

Best of luck, you need to take charge.

However, 4 hours a week (training for 6 months?????) That started yesterday for a business that does not exist sounds bizarre
Over six months it’s 100 hours and it’s the only time I am free from DC and able to sit on a computer. At least until school starts in September.

It’s unlikely that he wants you to feel like looking after him. More likely he’s hoping you’d feel like you wanted to be closer to him in one of the few opportunities you had without the dc.

He was choosing to work longer hours than he was contracted for, prioritising his promotion above my need for support.

I hate when people - especially the ones who don't even work - come up with that.

If only it was that easy... most of the time it's more about KEEPING YOUR JOB than going for that promotion! You can't just say "stop" and reduce your working hours saying you are happy in your role. It does not work like that in the real world.

However, 4 hours a week (training for 6 months?????) That started yesterday for a business that does not exist sounds bizarre
Over six months it’s 100 hours and it’s the only time I am free

Hold on

is your husband working full time

AND doing his own work and training you on the side? That can't be right!

Why don't you sign up for distance learning for a qualification like AAT and ask your DM to offer childcare whilst you are studying. Your DH could also use that time to work on his start up. There is no reason why you couldn't still have 50% of the business as a shareholder and you could subsequently do the books.