To refuse to work with him after this

[CurlyReds]

I’ve been a SAHM for a couple of years and I’m due to return to work. DH has been thinking about self employment for some time and asked if he took the leap would I consider working with him as his assistant? I agreed - I figure if it doesn’t work out I can always get a job at that point.

We’ve arranged for my mum (bubble) to babysit every Sunday so we can set up his new business and he can teach me the stuff I’ll need to know. Yesterday (Valentines Day) she was babysitting and we were in the spare room office, supposed to be working but he was trying to snog and feel me. I said no, my mum is downstairs and she’s giving up her time to help us do work, not for you to get your kicks.

So he lost his temper and said there’s no point setting up a business if I don’t want a relationship with him, he stomped off and took my mum home. So we couldn’t do any work after that because we had to look after DC.

I’m now thinking I can’t work with him if he’s going to fire me every time he doesn’t get his own way. I also think it’s blackmail and controlling, saying he will remove my job opportunity if he doesn’t get his own way. Truthfully I’m wondering if I should just divorce him after this behaviour.

Look, despite my earlier comment, I’ve re-read your posts and as at this moment you feel strongly you have only two options, here is what I would do:

• work with him
• lose the notion this will result in him doing more family time, that isn’t the nature of self-employment and it doesn’t sound like his nature either
• expedite this process, as if you’re as bright as you say you don’t need 6 months training
• do not go up to 5 days a week working for this business when your son starts school, if it can work with you only doing 4 hours it really won’t need 5 days
• use that 5 days to meet some of your needs
• reassess what you want, do you want a guaranteed career? What courses have you done? Are they going to get you a job or just cpd type things. Can you retrain officially with guaranteed long term career prospects, teaching, nursing etc. PA and Office Management Work is not this, it’s more precarious and based on experience. Find out what roles are in demand long term, software development, radiography, whatever. You may fare better in the public sector and I’m sure definitely better in a more direct career path, which the kind of work you’re looking for is not.
• whatever you pick, ideally gain a professional qualification, if you did something like accountancy (CIMA/ACCA), this can assist with the business, and therefore be classed as a business expense too.
• Disabuse yourself of the idea that business ownership will give you or him freedom. It is an albatross of responsibility. Create a plan (maybe 3 years) which will eventually result in you having an exit strategy from working for/with him. This will mean you have financial independence.

Finally I’m concerned as you’ve said you’ve had a breakdown, invest in yourself, get yourself some ongoing therapy, pay for it. The next few years, whatever you do will not be easy and your mental health will most likely be strained further. You want your needs met, you meet them, don’t hang around waiting for other people to.

I would get paid just enough to use my tax free allowance, and I get my NI from child benefit until DC is 12. Nowhere near the going rate for the job and much less than I’d earn in a supermarket. DH would get paid the rest and the money would go into our joint account. If we got paid equally we’d end up paying more in tax.

I am not sure why you think £12,500 is less that the going rate as what you are suggesting will not be full time job. When I started our company I employed a friend looking to return to work to do the admin . I benchmarked to local companies where a similar role was on up to £15 an hour- and that included some anti social hours- I needed them to work some evenings and weekends as I was busy fee earning during the week. It was less for a 9-5 post.

Say 20 hours a week at @ £15 an hour is £15600, which is almost what £12,500 personal income and £2000 share dividend allowance gives you.

Some of the role is closer to a £12 an hour job, particularly if using a package such as quickbooks. That is £12480 which is bang on.

So unless you are working full time (which you are seemingly not suggesting) then you would be getting the right rate for the job. Admin doesn't pay well and most of the tasks are basic admin.

You need to get over the thought that he is getting you on the cheap. My first admin had an Oxbridge degree and 8 years work experience at a prestigious project company. They had previously travelled worldwide. That was all irrelevant, they were returning to work after 10 years as a SAHM in a basic admin post and that was what I needed and was paying for. It return they got flexible hours, the chance to update skills etc. They left after 2 years and went back to their previous line- this as a stepping stone job that got them through a difficult divorce and back into the workforce.

More likely he’s hoping you’d feel like you wanted to be closer to him
It’s not top of my list. When I have any child free time, my first priority is sleep. Followed by de-stressing which is literally just sitting in the garden without a child climbing on me and hitting me. And then my next priority is doing something constructive other than just the mind numbing drudgery of childcare. Sex is last on my list because it’s just another thing I have to do for someone else.

OK, try a different perspective:
You may find it easier to work and interact online. Why not start your own business and be self employed? That would give you some independence and a job you hopefully enjoy
Lots of small businesses need some admin support but aren't big enough to employ someone. You could use your skills to set up a marketing website. Leaflet local businesses. Be specific about what services you can offer and be prepared to discount heavily at first until you get some good reviews.
Also, sign up with temp agencies, interpersonal skills are less likely to be important if you aren't permanent.

@CurlyReds

More likely he’s hoping you’d feel like you wanted to be closer to him It’s not top of my list. When I have any child free time, my first priority is sleep. Followed by de-stressing which is literally just sitting in the garden without a child climbing on me and hitting me. And then my next priority is doing something constructive other than just the mind numbing drudgery of childcare. Sex is last on my list because it’s just another thing I have to do for someone else.

I completely understand this, I’ve been there too when my children were small. But the way you feel about it doesn’t mean you can completely dismiss that it has meaning for your husband, because sex is a normal part of marriage.

It’s because you’re so tired and stressed just now that sex feels like a chore that you have to do for someone else, but it isn’t meant to feel like that. In healthy marriages it is something that both people want to do roughly the same amount as each other. If your marriage isn’t healthy, then starting a business together isn’t a good idea.

Subscribe to quickbooks- there is usually a 50% offer for 6 months and so it should cost you less that £100 for have an account for 6 months.
Use the tutorials-set up a dummy company and go through learning all of the processes. Add in the payroll function- that takes a bit of sorting out.

There are HMRC tutorials- lots of advice on setting up and running a small business.

When you are confident with the processes you can just close the account and open one for the proper company.

Since you got a business degree, could you maybe got self employed and help others starting a business?
There are lots of people who get paid to provide business plans and other support to people in their areas.
We have one here that focused on women only. It is quiet successful.

YANBU at all. You sound knackered. If your DH is too busy (huh!) can your mum have your DS at any other times so you can have a bit more rest and recharge?

@CurlyReds

More likely he’s hoping you’d feel like you wanted to be closer to him It’s not top of my list. When I have any child free time, my first priority is sleep. Followed by de-stressing which is literally just sitting in the garden without a child climbing on me and hitting me. And then my next priority is doing something constructive other than just the mind numbing drudgery of childcare. Sex is last on my list because it’s just another thing I have to do for someone else.

Wouldn't you rather get out of the house then? I hated my job pre mat leave, but the change of scenery and break was bloody lush.

Might it just be a Valentine's Day thing? Talking to him would seem sensible. Generally I'd say having your own job would be better but I can see it gives you more opportunity than the supermarket job so might be worth a talk.

In more normal times I'd suggest you sign on with an agency and get some temp work, gives you the opportunity to show an employer what you can do. I got work that way in a previous economic slump, as a recruiter I've taken on staff like that. Unfortunately I'm not sure it would work at the moment.

It sounds like you want to do this, you've decided it is the best way forward so I'd give it another go. I hope it works out for you, it is so tough at the moment in many ways.

This will never work. He's not your 'only' chance for an office job but you'll never get one or any job with an attitude the way yours is now.

I’ve read all of your posts and despite your thread title you actually seem very determined to do this. So the question is how can you best make it work?

Unfortunately if you WFH and with your DH then there is a natural blurring of the lines and he has seen sex as a perk of the arrangement. I completely see your reasons for being pissed off about that but possibly the answer is to talk to your DH and tell him how your feel? And if he’s upset about having no sex you do need to hear him on that and consider together what might improve that.

I see your reasoning on why this could be a good opportunity for you. You also state you have issues with communication so this could be a good chance to really thrash this out and set some boundaries in order to have a professional relationship alongside a personal one.

Good luck.

@SteveBrexit

He was choosing to work longer hours than he was contracted for, prioritising his promotion above my need for support.

I hate when people - especially the ones who don't even work - come up with that.

If only it was that easy... most of the time it's more about KEEPING YOUR JOB than going for that promotion! You can't just say "stop" and reduce your working hours saying you are happy in your role. It does not work like that in the real world.

Christ. I couldn’t have come up with a better username for this response than “SteveBrexit”.

This is utter bullshit. I know plenty of women with senior jobs and some semblance of work life balance, and so many men whose wives are breaking themselves do a accommodate their husband’s extensive working hours.

Bloody hell, this sounds like a disaster, there are so, so many issues.

But all that aside, you finally had a bit of alone time and wanted to have sex with his wife. I'm sure it wouldn't have lasted 4 hours.

Really do not see how working as admin for your h is going to help you get a bloody 'office' job. Employers are going to see that on a CV and roll their eyes, think you've been blagging a so-called job.

OK I do what you are planning - 10 yrs down the line. Is there a level of resentment - to some extent - he still thinks he brings all the money in and can do it without me - I do some client work and more than capable of project and programme management and drive strategy. I have a masters, various professional diplomas including marketing and market research.

What I would say is he will always want to dominate the business even if it is 50/50 - it sounds to me that this is the case of a job for the "little woman" saving tax - nope you won't be by paying less thats bollocks as eventually he will drop into higher pay brackets and there fore more tax. As long as your salary is below the higher tax band and you get your dividend payout (not sure how long that will last) which is currently 2k pp. If its set up as a ltd co you can keep money in the business but why would you unless you have an investment plan e.g. equipment.

Make sure if you do it it includes pension for you

Remember if you divorce him it will be far easier for him to hide income if self employed or Ltd co.

If you want to use it as a stepping stone and education go ahead but really he is using you and you will be doing the boring donkey work. I use Xero and frankly the money side takes no time (2 or 3 hrs a month or less at the moment). We use an accountant for the annual accounts and salaries and I deal with her and without any other work 4hrs would easily deal with that and any invoicing if its consultancy stuff in the uk - gets a bit more complicated if you are international.

It definitely leaves you vulnerable financially. I think if you want to use it to train up that is a good plan, you could then extend it out to other businesses in the week once your time frees up, then if you separate there is potential for a full time role somewhere or taking on more freelance work for other SE/small companies

There is a reason only 16% of autistic people are employed full time, and only 32% are employed at all (and that was pre-coronavirus). And it isn't because they aren't capable of working. So all this "have you tried X to get a job?" isn't that helpful, because whatever you try, it often won't work in such cases.

YANBU, though I would be clear about how you felt and why; he was being a nob, but maybe explaining why it's important to you would be enough to change his attitude.

Might you be eligible for PIP, or your child for DLA? You don't need a diagnosis to apply. And yes, I know many people who are eligible are refused, at least initially, and it's another big thing to add to your stressful life, but if you succeed in getting it (read a lot before you apply so you know exactly what the criteria are, and how to phrase your difficulties to fit in with them), it reduces the financial stress and gives you more potential independence if you ever do decide to leave.

Really do not see how working as admin for your h is going to help you get a bloody 'office' job. Employers are going to see that on a CV and roll their eyes, think you've been blagging a so-called job.

I actually agree with this. By all means learn to do the admin, but dont think that it is the passport to another job. I am in exactly the same position and despite my having done some incredibly varied and difficult roles within self employment, as well as managed teams, it sadly doesnt seem to count for much when it comes to looking for work, which is why I am looking at rolling back some of the self employed stuff - delegating the bits I dont want to do any more, and retraining so as to be ready to go into the workforce.
There is nothing to stop you doing the admin in your spare time, should you need to.
Someone earlier suggested retraining in a different field - looking at what is in high demand right now. You have a degree, so should be able to do postgrad study. And public sector is good if you need 'inclusivity' as once you are in you can often find your niche.

Speaking as someone who has done this with a spouse I say go for it. We remortgaged our house, gave ourselves 12 months to get customers and have not looked back. I do all the bookkeeping, payroll, invoicing vat etc. I too have a science degree and while working with our business did an accounting course with the open university. Bookkeeping software is basically glorified excel with double entry, the OU course helped me understand accountancy concepts, regulations and the role of company officers etc.
Of course the downside is you never switch off from the business, you answer overseas emails at 10pm, and there is no break from your husband/work colleague. But it has improved since our children have got older. I work part-time, we have an office outside the home my husband works at, I mostly work from home and we have loyal employees and customers.
Only you know how well you would get on with your partner in a work enviroment. My husband gives me autonomy over my work and values my opinion.

If I were you, I would try to get back into the supermarket role. It's easier to get a job when you have a job. It will reflect positively to future employers. You will polish your job & interpersonal skills. It's not 9 - 5 so a p/t role will offer good flexibility. It won't be too mentally taxing so you coukd still study at home if that's what you want. & it would be great for you to just get out of the house. Work is work. Don't dismiss it.

and just to add that I am also autistic so do understand how hard it can be - Ive only previously done a handful of employed roles and found self employment is better. It certainly has served me well whilst my kids were younger, as both have SEN and times where they were not in school or were in hospital.
I would personally hate being in an office - the interpersonal politics are awful

You should leave your husband.

You clearly resent him and don't want to activately be a wife.

I'm not saying that you're not justified in your feelings. If I felt like nothing more than a servant then I also wouldn't be happy.

It's a bit of a snake eating its own tail. You resent the life you have with your husband, who works and leaves you to do all of the housewifing, he resents not having a wife to enjoy and so choses to abscond from the family home and work rather than be in a hostile environment.

I can understand you wanting to prioritise your work, as that's the reason you had childcare in the first place. I would be much the same. However, I can also understand your husband seeing an opportunity for intimacy, as you say it's not something you have time for.

A marriage is a partnership in more ways than one. You feel neglected in ways, as does he. You're not acting as partners.

He was right in saying that if you can't be happy in marriage you shouldn't be involved in business. Why entangle more and create more space for a toxic relationship to spread?

So you can either suck it up, and treat your husband as a husband and not a pest to regarded with contempt. Or you can take on a shitty shelf stacking job and leave him.

But you can't just use the man to get a leg up in the world, and leave him further down the line because you don't want to be a wife.

He was feeling frisky, there’s a way of saying no without hurting/embarrassing the other person. Not the ideal place for dtd but maybe he thought getting caught was a big turn on

I think the problem is you have not forgiven him for how he reacted when you had your breakdown and what caused you to have it. And I am not sure there is any coming back from that with you.

Can you go and stay with your mum for a bit to recuperate

For tax reasons I don’t want to be paid a salary, I’ll take a dividend when the business makes a profit

It’s more tax efficient to pay a small salary