This is sleep related .... I've no perspective

[sleepyshiftworker]

Apologies in advance - I need some outside perspective but I'll try and keep this brief and pertinent.

Back story. Second relationship. Both have children from previous. 18 month old with each other. Our older DC are with their other parents atm due to half term.

He works normal office hours, senior management, due to COVID he's WFH 8am-5 with breaks. When he has to go in it's an hours drive each way. EOW he leaves work on Friday at 2 to collect his older DC.

I'm a paramedic. I work shifts. I have an hours drive to work and same home. I cut my hours when I went back after the baby to 24 a week as I went back just as COVID hit last year and I couldn't find child care that worked for the DC (especially the baby) and it's draining and always over time if I want to do it which is more flexible for me than being contracted full time.

We have a mortgage, joint finances, joint account which we both pay into. He earns more than me but contributes more than I.

Here's the AIBU.
I'm absolutely exhausted. Homeschooling, all that jazz with a whirlwind toddler and working and doing everything else.

For example last week I worked Tuesday 1400-0200 so I cooked dinner in slow cooker before I left, enabled him to just get on with work and not worry. My older dc are self sufficient and don't require too much input - He wFH with my DC and the baby here which is rare as I've been relying on my sister having them when I work during the day, then all he does is pick them up circa 1930 and put them to bed.

The baby was up on and off teething with temperature Friday night. I had about 2 hours sleep. Apparently he felt too unwell to help even though I asked him to, and he went and slept in one of the older DC empty beds.

Then I worked Saturday 1000-2200 getting home at 0000.

Saturday night after work I got up with the baby in the night then up for the day at 6 on Sunday- He slept in yesterday til 0900.

Classic. I'm on nights tonight and tomorrow night. I asked last night if he would take over the baby so I could get a decent sleep last night as I now won't sleep til mid morning Tuesday when I've dropped the baby off at my sisters. He said yes, but didn't. Then this morning baby awake at 5.15 I asked him to get up with him and he just laid there and didn't move.

I've had enough. I am tired. It isn't safe to do this. The baby doesn't sleep through but isn't hard, he just needs a cuddle / quick shhhh and given his milk which he then drinks himself. Now DH is using the "he doesn't want me, he wants his mum". I'm just raging but I don't know. AIBU? I neee him to actually engage and help without being nagged like a teenager. He soon pipes up the "he's my son" if I suggest plans he doesn't like - but doesn't actually help.

Edit to add

I'd forgotten this but in the middle of the night he was trying to initiate sex. Which I declined - he woke me up to do this, even though he knows how exhausted I am abs how sleep is a priority to me. And then he still didn't get up with the baby when I asked him to this morning.

He sounds horrid to do that to you. I’d be seriously considering a hotel room...

Christ.
💐 OP. He doesn’t sound like a keeper.

Doesn't sound like he's doing his fair share to me.

No this is not safe at all. Ask him to google what happened to Tom Zanettis ex girlfriend. You need some sleep OP.

Btw - your OP could be shorter.

I work shifts, often through the night, as a paramedic, 24 hours a week. My partner has an office job, WFH, 8-5 full time. We have 1 DC together, an 18-month-old toddler who wakes frequently through the night and early mornings. My partner never gets up to him, even when I beg, and I’m exhausted. He also pesters me for sex when I’m asleep. AIBU that this is no way to live?

I will have been awake for over 12 hours when I leave for work tonight. Then I'll do an hours drive, a 12 hour shift (minimum) then an hour home - won't be able to take my son to my sisters until 10am tomorrow, then home again - so be in bed for 10.30am - to go and do another shift tomorrow night.

Which in itself isn't an issue. But. He shows such utter lack of respect for me and my feelings and safety. Getting laid is more important to him than me sleeping.

So sorry OP. He sounds horrific and I really feel your pain. Sleep deprivation is torture

She fell asleep at the wheel..

Do you know why his previous relationship ended? What is his parenting of his older children like?

I couldn’t stand him. In some ways it sounds trivial, but actually it’s about respect and love and I’m not sure he has either for you.

Lack of sleep is dangerous, op, life threatening, even, if there's driving involved. No one should be driving after 24 hours+ with no sleep. You must get this sorted as you may well end up getting yourself or someone else killed, perhaps even your child, not to mention your effectiveness as a paramedic will be compromised, putting patients at risk.

I'm sorry your partner is such a selfish and callous arse. Can you take some time off work, rope in family to look after the kids and just sleep? This really does sound at crisis point. In the longer term you can look at ditching the useless idiot.

As a shift worker who worked nights when both my kids were babies, I understand the absolute exhaustion of working all night and trying to look after the house and kids all day. You need to set a block of time for sleep aside and make sure he knows you are not to be disturbed under any circumstances during this time. I couldn’t function without my sleep recovery. By the sound of it you only have 2 shifts a week, so only twice a week you need a non-normal sleeping time ringfenced. Being tired due to homeschooling is a red herring - as a critical worker you can send your older kids into school so you don’t have to home school all day then do a night shift.

I'd struggle to feel any love of respect towards him because he clearly has little towards you.

The only time night wakings were my responsibility were when I was breastfeeding, we always split it between us after that.

Wow why would you be getting up at 6 after you've worked until midnight the night before? Anyone would know that the person who worked late gets the lay in. He’s being unfair and not pulling his weight at all.

Can you stay with your sister for a few nights? She might be more helpful than your dick of a husband and it might move him to be more helpful. Longterm I think you need to consider being a lone parent

@backinthebox homeschooling - I send the kids in the days that I need them to be, the school asked us to only send if necessary so they've been doing 2 days a week. After half term they're booked in full time.

Unless you have explained how you feel, rather than you battling on angrily but not spelling it out, it might be he hasn't twigged.
Is the baby yours but not his? Perhaps that makes him think he is let off.

Anyway, calm down and plan how you will split if that is what you decide. So when you tell him this you can do it calmly.

My DH was a selfish sod over sleep but as a v sound unempathetic sleeper probably had no idea how I felt but if I was back at baby time with him again I'd probably leave him this time.

I have done nights , he is an absolute prick.
Spell it out in words of 1 syllable to him.
Lack. Of. Sleep. Can. Kill.
Driving. Tired. Can. Kill.

@MeanMrMustardSeed uh - because they didn't get on.

Re parenting his older DC, well.... we have different parenting styles and he's very laid back to the point of complacency. I can't say how he was when they were younger although I've been told by his family he wasn't "allowed" to do stuff by his ex wife, which I assume is a convenient excuse for "can't be bothered"

I’m not surprised they didn’t get on. Maybe there’s a pattern.

@NoSquirrels

Btw - your OP could be shorter.

I work shifts, often through the night, as a paramedic, 24 hours a week. My partner has an office job, WFH, 8-5 full time. We have 1 DC together, an 18-month-old toddler who wakes frequently through the night and early mornings. My partner never gets up to him, even when I beg, and I’m exhausted. He also pesters me for sex when I’m asleep. AIBU that this is no way to live?

maybe - but then again this post is entirely unnecessary at all.

I agree with pp stay with your sister for a few days if poss. Also not sure how much I would believe he wasn't allowed to do stuff!

Could your sister have the baby during the day today? If so get dh to take him over before he starts work or in a break so that you can get some sleep now.

As for longer term, I think you need to sit him down and explain it clearly what you need him to do. Maybe set up a rota that’s pinned on the fridge stating what you are both doing and when...

Yanbu. The reason the baby wants mum is because that’s what they are used to in the night. In any case he just needs to crack on.

You need sleep. This could seriously kill you. I think you need to book yourself into a hotel room. He will get it if you just go. But you have got to get to the point where you do this.

In the past few days, Switzerland marked 50 years of women getting the vote - feb 2021. Women campaigned for decades and got nowhere because each time it was taken to referendum and as women weren’t entitled to vote, the majority of men kept voting no. So 50 years ago pretty much every woman in Switzerland stopped working for the day, which in reality means most they stopped caring for their families and children. Instead they went out and marched. Almost overnight women were given the National vote.

May I suggest you take a leaf out of this book?