This is sleep related .... I've no perspective

[sleepyshiftworker]

Apologies in advance - I need some outside perspective but I'll try and keep this brief and pertinent.

Back story. Second relationship. Both have children from previous. 18 month old with each other. Our older DC are with their other parents atm due to half term.

He works normal office hours, senior management, due to COVID he's WFH 8am-5 with breaks. When he has to go in it's an hours drive each way. EOW he leaves work on Friday at 2 to collect his older DC.

I'm a paramedic. I work shifts. I have an hours drive to work and same home. I cut my hours when I went back after the baby to 24 a week as I went back just as COVID hit last year and I couldn't find child care that worked for the DC (especially the baby) and it's draining and always over time if I want to do it which is more flexible for me than being contracted full time.

We have a mortgage, joint finances, joint account which we both pay into. He earns more than me but contributes more than I.

Here's the AIBU.
I'm absolutely exhausted. Homeschooling, all that jazz with a whirlwind toddler and working and doing everything else.

For example last week I worked Tuesday 1400-0200 so I cooked dinner in slow cooker before I left, enabled him to just get on with work and not worry. My older dc are self sufficient and don't require too much input - He wFH with my DC and the baby here which is rare as I've been relying on my sister having them when I work during the day, then all he does is pick them up circa 1930 and put them to bed.

The baby was up on and off teething with temperature Friday night. I had about 2 hours sleep. Apparently he felt too unwell to help even though I asked him to, and he went and slept in one of the older DC empty beds.

Then I worked Saturday 1000-2200 getting home at 0000.

Saturday night after work I got up with the baby in the night then up for the day at 6 on Sunday- He slept in yesterday til 0900.

Classic. I'm on nights tonight and tomorrow night. I asked last night if he would take over the baby so I could get a decent sleep last night as I now won't sleep til mid morning Tuesday when I've dropped the baby off at my sisters. He said yes, but didn't. Then this morning baby awake at 5.15 I asked him to get up with him and he just laid there and didn't move.

I've had enough. I am tired. It isn't safe to do this. The baby doesn't sleep through but isn't hard, he just needs a cuddle / quick shhhh and given his milk which he then drinks himself. Now DH is using the "he doesn't want me, he wants his mum". I'm just raging but I don't know. AIBU? I neee him to actually engage and help without being nagged like a teenager. He soon pipes up the "he's my son" if I suggest plans he doesn't like - but doesn't actually help.

NoSquirrels - why ? Just why

OP , you need to wait until you are as calm as you can be, and speak with him

There are 3 critical issues here (treat it like a business meeting as that’s clearly all he listens to )

You need more sleep , as a key worker during the pandemic you MUST sleep - can he acknowledge that ? And facilitate this ? Otherwise bad things could happen

That as two working parents a better division of labour is critical , give him a rough percentage of how things are

That’s if things don’t change you will get sick , and some issues will have to slip

Your sleep is more important than cooking , housework and yes - homeschool

Living like this isn’t sustainable , panedmic or no pandemic

If you lay it out clearly and he refuses to listen or engage then you need to make some decisions

NoSquirrels - why ? Just why confused

Sorry - why what? She’s had (yet another) talk with him and now he has to step up. What’s controversial or confusing about that?

Just RTWT

Honestly , you are so understandably angry and he is so clearly unrepentant - you’d be better off
Making plans

May I ask how many kids are yours (previous marriage ) and how many are shared

He won’t ‘get’ your son
No way , now he will use it to scare you . But he won’t . Just no way

I’d report the assault actually

Also are you using earplugs , sleep aids and eye masks ? They do help

Sending

He is utterly vile op.
Please get out of this relationship.

he’s done it before - I think he’s always done it, but previously I may have been receptive.

So implied consent then? I know lots of couples do this, but it wouldn’t be for me.

This time, however, it’s different even if you genuinely were ok the other times. This time, you said not to do it. No means no.

I agree with others saying reporting him will help you to extricate yourself from him.

I get you’re scared to do that. It seems like such a big step. But you need somehow to find a way to advocate for yourself and your children.

I was reading through this thread and thought there have been so many posts where the woman is expected to do all the housework, home schooling and wfh. That's without shift work and trying to cope with a baby who's teething with a partner who refuses to get up for them.

Then i read he's expecting sex regardless as to whether you're awake or asleep and without your consent. Sorry doesn't even remotely cut it. You said no and he's ignored you. He doesn't care how short of sleep you are, or how dangerous it could be for driving. He's let his own selfishness dictate.

Please get legal advice and support and line up your action plan. This man only cares about his own needs and welfare. He doesn't care about your welfare and personal safety. He's shown you he's indifferent.

This guy could care less about the OP.

She literally could be anyone, anyone.

He is the type of slime that you do not want anyone you care about meeting after a few drinks.

He is the type that the word consent doesn't really exist for.

He has zero respect for any woman and i believe would rape and plead mis understanding or miscommunication at any opportunity.

He is utter scum.

I hope that the OP tells her father the truth and gets away fromt his vile prick asap.

@NoSquirrels why?

@sleepyshiftworker so sorry that this is what you're having to deal with, you sound amazingly strong. It's time he left.

I told him to leave this morning. He didn't take the baby but he did try and take our dog. I then caved and cried which I haven't done in weeks. I cried for the baby I lost. Cried for my kids. He came back in the house and saw me, brought his kids back in and then decided we should all do some thing together as the weather is nice. So we've pretended all afternoon that things are fine.

I'm now in bed watching TV and he's downstairs. I'm not sure what I feel but I felt absolutely terrified when I said leave and he just said ok. Like I didn't matter at all. The realisation that I don't matter hurts like hell.

Any way so he didn't leave. I have to get through this next week at work and reassess when my children aren't here to witness any thing.

Are you sure you weren't crying over the dog rather than him???

Again taking the dog is emotional manipulation.

Take good care of yourself.

@RandomMess

Are you sure you weren't crying over the dog rather than him???

Again taking the dog is emotional manipulation.

Take good care of yourself.

This. I have friends whose spouses tried to use the court to take the dogs in divorce. Just look after YOU. Put yourself first here! YOU matter.

You so matter.

Please take care of yourself.

[quote Tumblebugsjump]@NoSquirrels why?[/quote]
I’ve read back what I wrote (having been on this thread days) and I’m not sure why I’m getting the “why?” posts. To clarify, I am glad sleepy said everything she said to her DH, he’s behaved appallingly, she deserves better. Until now, she’s been getting outside advice - both from posters on this thread and her own dad - that she needs to spell it out to him. She’s said many times she HAS spelled it out to him. She shouldn’t need to problem-solve for him what happens next - exactly what he has to change to be a decent husband, father and human being. If he cares about her he’ll be the one coming up with solutions and showing through actions how things will change.

I think she’d be better off without him but it’s not my place to say that. I’m glad she had one last cards on the table you sex pest arsehole conversation because if he can’t change after that then the path ahead will be clearer for her.

So that’s “why?”

sleepy I hope you’re OK. I would cry if my DH tried to take my dog too. Be gentle with yourself. Get support from your family if you can.

@sleepyshiftworker can you talk to a manager at work. Give an idea of what's going on and say you need a couple of weeks off to sort things? Then sort things

He's not speaking to me!

He slept in his kids room. He's not speaking to me. He's cross. As soon as his kids left last night he went from mr Fun to morose and all of a sudden the "let's all be a family" shit slipped and he had a massive strop at me and then went to bed in his kid's bed.

I'm the bad guy. All his shitty actions he's dismissed as me being tired / hormonal / ridiculous / over thinking. He's upset I've not been affectionate the last week.

@sleepyshiftworker Of course you're the bad guy, you were supposed to be the cook, cleaner, childcare, sex giver and go out to work and now you're telling him he has to step up and he doesn't want that.

Was your 18mth old planned? It seems that he doesnt actually want him☹

At the start of your relationship how was he with you, how soon were kids introduced to you and how soon did you take on his childcare?

From the outside it looks like you're a fixer and people pleaser which he has taken advantage off and because thats been the status quo for so long he doesnt like the fact you've kicked back.

Being moody suits him now because he wont look after your child while you work and he can then blame you and your moods for causing it.

I really hope you can sort it asap, not just the lack of sleep and his lack of help but also the fact he is a sex pest who sexually assaults you.

Wanker.

Please report him. Don’t underestimate how he will act in a divorce. He’s manipulating and gaslighting you.

Please find the strength to kick this 'man' out properly. He is one of the worst I've ever heard in here.
Perhaps you need a few days leave or sick to build your strength for this?
Wish I could come and help you

This is who he is.

An absolute horror.

Tell your father that he sexually assaults you.

Tell your GP.

Get support.

To get him out.

Oh I am so not surprised it was all a front for his DC sake.

He insisted to this sulking behaviour bringing you back into line.

He’s showing you who he is. Believe him.

He is being unreasonable, you need to communicate this to him. He's leaving you in a very dangerous position, you work a very demanding role that requires you to be on top form which after countless nights of no sleep, you're not going to be on good form. Tell him to pull his finger out.

I had this with my DH, I told him straight. Never happened again.

@ crispychicken12

If you read the OP’s updates, you will see that she has tried !

Do you really think we would have got to 9 pages without someone suggesting she talk to him ??