This is sleep related .... I've no perspective

[sleepyshiftworker]

Apologies in advance - I need some outside perspective but I'll try and keep this brief and pertinent.

Back story. Second relationship. Both have children from previous. 18 month old with each other. Our older DC are with their other parents atm due to half term.

He works normal office hours, senior management, due to COVID he's WFH 8am-5 with breaks. When he has to go in it's an hours drive each way. EOW he leaves work on Friday at 2 to collect his older DC.

I'm a paramedic. I work shifts. I have an hours drive to work and same home. I cut my hours when I went back after the baby to 24 a week as I went back just as COVID hit last year and I couldn't find child care that worked for the DC (especially the baby) and it's draining and always over time if I want to do it which is more flexible for me than being contracted full time.

We have a mortgage, joint finances, joint account which we both pay into. He earns more than me but contributes more than I.

Here's the AIBU.
I'm absolutely exhausted. Homeschooling, all that jazz with a whirlwind toddler and working and doing everything else.

For example last week I worked Tuesday 1400-0200 so I cooked dinner in slow cooker before I left, enabled him to just get on with work and not worry. My older dc are self sufficient and don't require too much input - He wFH with my DC and the baby here which is rare as I've been relying on my sister having them when I work during the day, then all he does is pick them up circa 1930 and put them to bed.

The baby was up on and off teething with temperature Friday night. I had about 2 hours sleep. Apparently he felt too unwell to help even though I asked him to, and he went and slept in one of the older DC empty beds.

Then I worked Saturday 1000-2200 getting home at 0000.

Saturday night after work I got up with the baby in the night then up for the day at 6 on Sunday- He slept in yesterday til 0900.

Classic. I'm on nights tonight and tomorrow night. I asked last night if he would take over the baby so I could get a decent sleep last night as I now won't sleep til mid morning Tuesday when I've dropped the baby off at my sisters. He said yes, but didn't. Then this morning baby awake at 5.15 I asked him to get up with him and he just laid there and didn't move.

I've had enough. I am tired. It isn't safe to do this. The baby doesn't sleep through but isn't hard, he just needs a cuddle / quick shhhh and given his milk which he then drinks himself. Now DH is using the "he doesn't want me, he wants his mum". I'm just raging but I don't know. AIBU? I neee him to actually engage and help without being nagged like a teenager. He soon pipes up the "he's my son" if I suggest plans he doesn't like - but doesn't actually help.

After last nights just utter stone wall - he's asking me what's the matter this morning

I'm now at my sisters building dens with mine and her children and have left him to get on with it at home.

2nd reason why his marriage failed!!! Stonewalling!

God you deserve so much better. He’s a selfish bell end. Please value yourself more

Flippin Heck op. I think the same as everyone else. What's he bringing to the team? The only practical thing I can think of that might help him understand (if he really is that stupid) is, can you print / draw a timetable with a week of days+nights, your shifts blocked out and when you need to sleep blocked out. Tell him when you're asleep, he's not to disturb you and it's fully in charge of the kids. Stick it on the wall. Stick it on the bedroom door. Then he absolutely knows. You shouldn't have to do this. I personally think he knows/understands but is selfish. However if I'm being generous, maybe he doesn't and needs something visual. If you do this and its there black and white and he ignores it, then you will have proof in your own mind.

Get out of that relationship, it's useless!

Sorry!

If someone woke me up for sex they'd never be getting it again. You are putting up with a lot and you deserve better. He needs his ass kicked.

He really thinks you’re his play toy, nanny and maid, doesn’t he?

I’m surprised you can even want to have sex with him.

I’d be tempted to start texting or emailing, “I’ll leave the sleep training to you. Your remit is not to wake me up. And to allow me to have 8 hours sleep. I will text you to tell you what that time will be when I get into bed on evening and night shifts. You will then need to feed and entertain ds during this time. Perhaps you should sleep in with ds until the sleep training is solved. You have a job. I have a vocation.”

Bet his first turfed him out for being a selfish twat.

He needs someone to look after his children and of course the obligatory quick new baby traps the new childminder/skivvy who in this case also has a demanding job.

I'd love to know EXACTLY what his appeal ever was.
I can see OP's appeal for him.

Selfish twat.

His x wife doesn't and didn't ever work so he never had to worry before.

I'm in a foul mood. I've told him to fuck off a lot this afternoon. He's perpetually confused. He doesn't seem to grasp that even though he shut me down last night - all my fustration at the situation, at him, his actions - still exist. I'm sure he's content thinking that all is fine as he's run the hoover round and done some stuff in the garden, like my hero I should be grateful. I'd rather have over grown shrubs, and a partner that actually fucking listens and care.

Just because Ex didn't work doesn't mean she didn't get fed up with his selfishness, not listening and stonewalling.

I should imagine if she every asked for help (ie him doing some parenting) she was told he worked and it was her job!

He's a waster.
That's what and who he is.

Unfortunately you have had a child with him.
Start planning to put you and your children first.
I'd be get copies of his finances and start calculating can you manage.

Refuse to look after HIS children any more.
Not your problem when you are barely holding it together.

Tell him that you are done trying to explain shit to him.

Protect your MH.
Your children need you.

You have taken far too much bullshit from this man.
He doesn't care about you.
You need to start making his life a LOT less comfortable.
Beginning with NOT looking after his children.
Both of you have made a MUG out of YOU.

Start standing up for yourself before you become seriously ill.

The selfish twat isn't worth it.

I feel so sorry for you.

@billy1966 hilariously I started on antidepressants before Christmas because I felt like I wasn't coping.

Have you been completely blunt with him, @sleepyshiftworker?

”Sleep deprivation is killing me. And it could lead to me crashing the ambulance or hurting a patient. I could die, or a patient could die. Unless you are prepared to LISTEN to me, and to do what I need you to do, so I can get some sleep, this marriage is over. I am sick of you treating me as your nanny, housemaid and whore. Last chance.”

[quote sleepyshiftworker]@billy1966 hilariously I started on antidepressants before Christmas because I felt like I wasn't coping. [/quote]
Don't make the mistake of taking on guilt about you not coping.

NO ONE could manage the enormity of the load you are carrying because of this selfish twat.

Stay angry with him and if it gives you stress relief to keep telling him to F off...just do it. (I normally wouldn't dream of advocating such a thing, but this is NOT normal)

I'm scared of saying how many dc we have nereeen us but it's a big number. I'm consumed with washing and clearing up. I'm so tired of doing all the parenting.

If you were on your own you wouldn't have the resentment, his DC and you would get respite from the youngest when he went for contact!

Seriously does he do close to 50% of the "wifework" and parenting?

Oh gosh op, I’m so sorry. That sounds terrible. You definitely shouldn’t be having to do all that!

@sleepyshiftworker

I'm scared of saying how many dc we have nereeen us but it's a big number. I'm consumed with washing and clearing up. I'm so tired of doing all the parenting.

You are being used. Get out. You know you are.

@sleepyshiftworker

I'm scared of saying how many dc we have nereeen us but it's a big number. I'm consumed with washing and clearing up. I'm so tired of doing all the parenting.

He’s got his shit sorted with you hasn’t he!

Does fuck all and you run yourself into the ground.

You need to be more direct.

• Not 'proactive and helpful' could mean any of 100 different things. You need to spell it out: "You're responsible for the DC for half the overnights. That means you deal with anything they need and don't wake me up. Even if they want me. Yes, it's hard sometimes, but it will get easier as DC gets used to having you at night."

• 'We need to train him to sleep'... reply with "You mean me, don't you? How many ways have you tried to get him to sleep through? I've tried X and Y and Z. It's your turn."

• 'Well I have a job too'... reply with "So do I... so why am I doing every single overnight wake-up? We both work, and we both need to sleep. So from now on we'll alternate who gets to sleep through each night."

Oh! Also, how did he manage to juggle working and childcare in the end? Did he take leave?

@LannieDuck I was out till after lunch - so no idea for that part. He's ducked out into the garden to take some calls this afternoon but I've been quick to avoid helping do any thing - so I took mine out for a walk etc. His are all engrossed in screens any way so wouldn't have moved or noticed. I feel sad for the DC tbh they all get on but mine see what I do and what I deal with to the point they insist on helping clear up / clear the table / stack the dish washer / sort washing all without being asked and if they are asked to do some thing they just do it with no argument. Getting his DC to even put their own shoes away or hang their own coat up is a struggle and requires repeatedly asking.

They're lazy as fuck.

I'm proud of my children. I'm distraught that I've done this to them. They deserve better.

What would life look like if you left / kicked him out?

Is there a hospital nursery which would allow flexible childcare for your shifts? Or would work alllow you to fix into schedule compatible with single parenting?

And @LannieDuck I have clearly spelt it out. I have, to his face - told him I am exhausted and need him to get up with the baby and let me sleep. He has ignored me. I've sat on our bed at 5am abs said please take him down stairs so I can get another hour and he's just rolled over.

@renallychallenged hmmm not sure. I couldn't afford our mortgage on my own but I do have some savings from the end of my last marriage that I ring fenced and refused to invest in this house. As my protection. I could be ok.