This is sleep related .... I've no perspective

[sleepyshiftworker]

Apologies in advance - I need some outside perspective but I'll try and keep this brief and pertinent.

Back story. Second relationship. Both have children from previous. 18 month old with each other. Our older DC are with their other parents atm due to half term.

He works normal office hours, senior management, due to COVID he's WFH 8am-5 with breaks. When he has to go in it's an hours drive each way. EOW he leaves work on Friday at 2 to collect his older DC.

I'm a paramedic. I work shifts. I have an hours drive to work and same home. I cut my hours when I went back after the baby to 24 a week as I went back just as COVID hit last year and I couldn't find child care that worked for the DC (especially the baby) and it's draining and always over time if I want to do it which is more flexible for me than being contracted full time.

We have a mortgage, joint finances, joint account which we both pay into. He earns more than me but contributes more than I.

Here's the AIBU.
I'm absolutely exhausted. Homeschooling, all that jazz with a whirlwind toddler and working and doing everything else.

For example last week I worked Tuesday 1400-0200 so I cooked dinner in slow cooker before I left, enabled him to just get on with work and not worry. My older dc are self sufficient and don't require too much input - He wFH with my DC and the baby here which is rare as I've been relying on my sister having them when I work during the day, then all he does is pick them up circa 1930 and put them to bed.

The baby was up on and off teething with temperature Friday night. I had about 2 hours sleep. Apparently he felt too unwell to help even though I asked him to, and he went and slept in one of the older DC empty beds.

Then I worked Saturday 1000-2200 getting home at 0000.

Saturday night after work I got up with the baby in the night then up for the day at 6 on Sunday- He slept in yesterday til 0900.

Classic. I'm on nights tonight and tomorrow night. I asked last night if he would take over the baby so I could get a decent sleep last night as I now won't sleep til mid morning Tuesday when I've dropped the baby off at my sisters. He said yes, but didn't. Then this morning baby awake at 5.15 I asked him to get up with him and he just laid there and didn't move.

I've had enough. I am tired. It isn't safe to do this. The baby doesn't sleep through but isn't hard, he just needs a cuddle / quick shhhh and given his milk which he then drinks himself. Now DH is using the "he doesn't want me, he wants his mum". I'm just raging but I don't know. AIBU? I neee him to actually engage and help without being nagged like a teenager. He soon pipes up the "he's my son" if I suggest plans he doesn't like - but doesn't actually help.

I would be so mad at this. So you are out at work, saving lives and generally being amazing, and he won't get up to the baby? No. Fuck that. I would genuinely give him an ultimatum. Get up with the baby or find somewhere else to live. Lazy shit.

@Mummyoflittledragon oh I love that. You're right.

For who ever asked, the baby is jointly ours - not mine alone. Even if he was, I look after HIS children in the holidays etc as I arrange my shifts around when the other DC are here and I would have
Hoped he could at least hear me when I'm saying I'm not coping.

My sister can't have him today as she's at work.

DH got up at 6.30 and left for work at 7. His coping strategy when he's been a shit is to just pretend nothings the matter.

His coping strategy when he’s been a shift is to pretend nothing matters

He’s hiding. Mine does this too... just sometimes, I say to him - your dd is going to be hungry, what are you going to feed her with? She’s 12. Still doesn’t occur to him the child may need to eat...

Glad you like it btw. I couldn’t find any info on the women’s strike. It’s something someone, who used to live in Switzerland told me a few days ago as it was the anniversary.

Screw that. You need to get tough with him. It's also not just you that's at danger from lack of sleep, it's also your patients. Life threatening danger if you're at work like a zombie.

I've had a text saying "sorry about this morning"

Like that helps. Fuck sake. We are having a peppa pig marathon.

Does your 18 mo sleep? For lunch and dinner, I’d be getting pizza delivery for you and your toddler, freeze leftovers, sleep when the baby sleeps. Do they still sleep?

Is there no way you can get your toddler into nursery? Not today obviously but this situation isn’t working.

As for going to bed, I really, really think you need a hotel.

In all seriousness, I would seriously consider calling or texting, “I’ve just passed out on the floor, you need to come home now.” I don’t condone lying like this normally. But I think you’re far too up front and he’s taking advantage of it an manipulating you. Fighting fire with fire. You are literally putting your life on the line to support the whims of a 40 year old baby.

He will sleep for an hour after lunch and I will
Sleep too when he does. But it's catching up on me and a potential hour doesn't help

I really think you need to do whatever it takes to make your husband come home.

Put the boot on the other foot. Would you do this to your husband? Sister? Sleep deprivation is a type of torture.

That sounds dreadful op, sorry you are going through this. You are not unreasonable to ask him to help. He is used to you picking up the slack.

I get fed up with men who expect a fanfare every time they 'help' with the housework, or babysit. No, they are contributing to your home, and looking ater their child.
He's not doing you a favour by contributing to your home, its his job. You are exhausted, you need a break before you get ill.

Can you take the day off to rest ?

Nearly 4am and I am struggling. Night nausea well and truly kicked in.

Two things.

I suggest sleeping at your sisters house the sleep before each shift so you are completely child free and he is in charge at home. Tell him you feel dizzy and unsafe to drive due to lack of sleep so have no choice.

You should not be home schooling post shift. You should have some down time as this period counts as your evening after a day of work. Cut yourself some slack and put your kids into school post shift.

On your days at home go for a walk on your own for an hour or two. By yourself. It will be good therapy.

If things don’t improve change your sisters childcare to pre shift and post shift, with your DH doing all childcare while you are at work.

In fact you could sleep at your sisters the sleep before a shift, then ask her to do childcare only 9-5 while DH works, Older kids in school on your working days and in school day after your shift

I'm home. Bleurgh. We are watching peppa. I can't take him to my sisters till 10 as she has animals to do beforehand.

DH left for work as soon as I walked in the door. He thinks he's a hero as he's made me a cup of tea.

He’s not WFH at the moment?

It’s really, really tough, I hope you get decent sleep today. Would your sister come & pick DC up if you said you weren’t sure you were fit to drive?

@sleepyshiftworker

I'm home. Bleurgh. We are watching peppa. I can't take him to my sisters till 10 as she has animals to do beforehand.

DH left for work as soon as I walked in the door. He thinks he's a hero as he's made me a cup of tea.

I hope you’ve text him back to say “ like that matters, twat”

This makes me furious - so many posters with babies who justify why their husbands don't do any night shifts because 'they have to go to work'.

You're actually doing a job that both requires driving and where people's lives are at risk, AND you're on the front line of the pandemic... while he's WFH. And it sounds like he's expecting you to do all the night shifts and childcare (and housework?).

This needs to change. Start with a proper conversation about what he feels is fair overnight (hint: anything less than him doing half is blatantly taking the piss).

And I suggest you take yourself out of the equation on his nights - either sleep in the older DC's empty beds yourself (and toddler in with your husband so he can't claim he didn't hear them), or your husband camps on the floor of toddler room. Or you go to a travelodge. None of that should be necessary, but husband's lazy, selfish behaviour means you can't trust him not to dump his chores on you. And I would tell him that.

And when he wakes you up for sex, I would shout at him and tell him how you really feel. You're allowed to do that.

Your sister is playing the role of a caring partner. How does she feel about your DP?

This is unconscionable. He is doing the make work management job which can be done on zero sleep, because fuck all of significance will happen if he fucks up. You are doing the life saving job which could be catastrophic if you fuck up. Your sleep absolutely trumps everything, and if he can’t see that heks a class A dick.

And that’s without even starting to go into the personal side of things.

(and yes, I have been a senior manager, I know what I’m talking about)

Spell it out op,
If l do not get 7 (?) hours solid undisturbed sleep before, an hours drive and a night shift, l am likely to cause a death through mistakes at work, and/or fall asleep at the wheel. My job entails peoples lives in my hands, unlike yours.

If you cannot ensure l get the sleep l need with no excuses, no waking me, no cannot cope with our child etc...then this relationship will have to end.

Make sure he really know this is not up for debate or discussion but is the utmost priority.

You deserve much better op, and thank you for all you do in your job every day.

YANBU

He sounds awful. I'm sorry you are in this position and so exhausted.

Could you go to sleep in a hotel before your shifts and just leave him to take care of the baby?

So you need a plan. What are you going to change?

You cant do the approach of working nights AND caring for children during the day.

He sounds like a waste of a space

But you also sound like you have very little formal childcare for the baby when you are both working. Your DH also can't work effectively from home with the baby there.

Nurseries are open. You've said your older DC are quite self sufficient. Can you get the baby into nursery 2 or 3 days a week so that can you can catch up sleep during the day?

Baby was at a child minder - two days a week around my shifts and my sister as abs when but the child minder closed at Christmas with the new lock down as she was scared.

Nursery - won't take on new families during lock down as we can't go and visit the two that are suitable plus they're massively inflexible re shifts and changing times which is reasonable I think, issue is all the childcare sorting falls to me. Including pick ups etc as he is "working" and on calls or with his older Dc so won't help.

He's not been to the child minder since we first met her a year ago. Despite her living 4 miles away and him WFH on the days he has been, and me sleeping - but I have to go and get him as DH won't.

Plan - I'm going to put a single bed in the baby's room, so he can go and sleep in there with him I think. I'm also going to rip him a new one when I'm more able abs can articulate myself to more than a screaming savage.