This is sleep related .... I've no perspective

[sleepyshiftworker]

Apologies in advance - I need some outside perspective but I'll try and keep this brief and pertinent.

Back story. Second relationship. Both have children from previous. 18 month old with each other. Our older DC are with their other parents atm due to half term.

He works normal office hours, senior management, due to COVID he's WFH 8am-5 with breaks. When he has to go in it's an hours drive each way. EOW he leaves work on Friday at 2 to collect his older DC.

I'm a paramedic. I work shifts. I have an hours drive to work and same home. I cut my hours when I went back after the baby to 24 a week as I went back just as COVID hit last year and I couldn't find child care that worked for the DC (especially the baby) and it's draining and always over time if I want to do it which is more flexible for me than being contracted full time.

We have a mortgage, joint finances, joint account which we both pay into. He earns more than me but contributes more than I.

Here's the AIBU.
I'm absolutely exhausted. Homeschooling, all that jazz with a whirlwind toddler and working and doing everything else.

For example last week I worked Tuesday 1400-0200 so I cooked dinner in slow cooker before I left, enabled him to just get on with work and not worry. My older dc are self sufficient and don't require too much input - He wFH with my DC and the baby here which is rare as I've been relying on my sister having them when I work during the day, then all he does is pick them up circa 1930 and put them to bed.

The baby was up on and off teething with temperature Friday night. I had about 2 hours sleep. Apparently he felt too unwell to help even though I asked him to, and he went and slept in one of the older DC empty beds.

Then I worked Saturday 1000-2200 getting home at 0000.

Saturday night after work I got up with the baby in the night then up for the day at 6 on Sunday- He slept in yesterday til 0900.

Classic. I'm on nights tonight and tomorrow night. I asked last night if he would take over the baby so I could get a decent sleep last night as I now won't sleep til mid morning Tuesday when I've dropped the baby off at my sisters. He said yes, but didn't. Then this morning baby awake at 5.15 I asked him to get up with him and he just laid there and didn't move.

I've had enough. I am tired. It isn't safe to do this. The baby doesn't sleep through but isn't hard, he just needs a cuddle / quick shhhh and given his milk which he then drinks himself. Now DH is using the "he doesn't want me, he wants his mum". I'm just raging but I don't know. AIBU? I neee him to actually engage and help without being nagged like a teenager. He soon pipes up the "he's my son" if I suggest plans he doesn't like - but doesn't actually help.

you deserve better. Get out for the sake of showing your kids you're worth more.

Honestly I don't know how anyone would cope in your situation, you don't need antidepressants, you need a reasonable, sustainable lifestyle. You're in the middle of chronic sleep deprivation and you will look back on this period with horror that you were living life like this.

The problem isn't you. It's that you're essentially a single parent! Life would be easier without him dragging you down and pretending like he's a team player.

Please stop doing ANYTHING for him and focus on getting out ...for your children.

You are a strong amazing woman, you will get things sorted and leave. Your family have your back and so do your DC!

He's just woken me.... for sex, pulled my pyjamas down and touching me. Despite asking when we went to bed if I was horny and wanted a kiss. I said no. He complained that we don't have sex any more (I had a miscarriage in January) we've barely had sex since.

He's now asleep again. I now can't sleep. Fuck sake.

This is depressing as fuck.

I would make plans to LTB

LTB

That sounds unbearable.

The no sleep is bad enough. That's actual torture. But the sleep issue will eventually resolve itself as your children get older and less needy.

However you will still be left with a selfish idiotic man who does not lift a finger to help you in a crisis. He will never be there for you.

You're better off without him if you're not financially reliant on him.

The idea of being groped by a man who treated me like that is just revolting. I don't know how you stand it.

A combination of:

This-

I have, to his face - told him I am exhausted and need him to get up with the baby and let me sleep. He has ignored me. I've sat on our bed at 5am abs said please take him down stairs so I can get another hour and he's just rolled over

And, this-
He's just woken me.... for sex, pulled my pyjamas down and touching me. Despite asking when we went to bed if I was horny and wanted a kiss. I said no. He complained that we don't have sex any more (I had a miscarriage in January) we've barely had sex since

Is enough to make me say you need to LTB.
Just WTAF.

Bin.

I’ve never said LTB before. Until now. This is no life OP. Tell him to fuck off for good. I bet you’ll be off anti depressants in 3 months time if you do

My goodness, I'm distraught for you.
I think you know what you need to do. I'm sorry you've been treated like this

Hi OP

I am the wife of a Paramedic with a 1 year old who doesn't sleep through. I totally feel for you as I am exhausted and I do not have to do 12 hour shifts plus commute or have other children. I am also a keyworker but WFH with mostly TEAM meetings about children in social care.

My husband looks after baby on his days off and then I try to go to my parents when he is on shift for 1 or 2 of them because we didn't want to put little one in childcare during this lockdown and it is has been too hard alone when DH is working.

But I try my hardest to let my husband sleep in after he has done 4 shifts but has to look after baby whilst I work on his days off. I get up shower and get toddler ready breakfast etc so my husband can sleep in till 8.30 to catch up on his sleep before I officially start work at 9. Is there no reason why your partner can't explain to his work that you need to sleep so he will have child for short period and then drop off to your sister. Most works should be flexible right now. People understand during calls kids are in the background etc.

After nights he sleeps in longer if I can let him. My work are aware I sometimes have a toddler pottering around or watching telly (alot more than i would like him too but needs must) whilst I am on meetings on the mornings so that my husband can get some sleep.

We communicate about the plans each week and sometimes I have had a very important meeting that I haven't been able to plan around his shift/getting sleep so my partner does get up e.g. before a night shift and then goes back to sleep after my meeting. Its about working together.

Your partner im afraid doesn't sound at all considerate to the fact the ambulance service is already got staff off with isolation rules into place, staff of sick and stress leave and need their paramedics to be as well rested to work. You absolutely should not be going into work for 12 hour shifts with only a few hours sleep. You might make a bad decision due to exhaustion which actually puts someone's life at risk.

You need to lay this down to your partner. He knew when you chose to have a child that being with someone who does shifts means you have to be alone in parenting on those days.

But the waking you up for sex is appalling and exteneley selfish and the cherry on the cake as to why I'm sorry to say that I don't think your partner will support you in getting through all this. If he can't put his own sexual wants to one side to let you sleep. I don't think you will get far elsewhere.

Maybe you need to start staying at your sisters even with the kids if you can so he gets the message and has to parent his own kids.

I'm sorry you had a miscarriage in January, but please do make sure you don't fall pregnant with this dick head again. No one could take any more stress than you're already under.

He is torturing you.

He is controlling you.

He doesn’t care your body and soul needs to repair from pregnancy loss.

Repeatedly waking you for sex by exposing your body ready for entry is sailing very close to attempting rape.

This is not a good man.

My first LTB

Leave leave leave
He is an awful piece of shit!!!!

I’m sorry about your miscarriage. Please don’t have anymore children with this waster, you’re just making it harder to untangle yourself from him.

You need to seriously look at the logistics of leaving.

@sleepyshiftworker

He got up with the toddler only after I was awake and made him take him down stairs. I've been down, made myself a cup of tea and come back to bed. I can hear all sorts of toddler related melt downs and him morning at having to make pancake batter clearly with a toddler hanging round his leg. Welcome to my world chap.

I'm just so let down by the selfish self serving attitude, from him but also in turn his DC as they just don't care - hardly got the role model to copy here with Him.

I'm not at work til next week now as I took AL for half term when my older DC were here.

We can't really go any where due to lock down but I'm planning on going for a long bike ride / run with mine and leaving him and his here. Tomorrow I'm going to my sisters to have her children all day while she works so I definitely won't be able to have his as I won't be here!!

So I need to sort this before next week as I'm doing 4 12 hours shifts next week. A day then a night then two lates later on in the week. He's going to have to seriously help, or leave. One or the other.

Only read your posts @sleepyshiftworker as the gist seems to be that everyone is telling you to leave etc from your responses to them.

"I'm doing 4 12 hours shifts next week. A day then a night then two lates later on in the week" that's double your 24 hours. I presume none of your shifts are set shifts and that you have no discussion with oh either about which additional shifts you're choosing to take on?
Not what you want to hear, I'm sure, but you're choosing a job that is located a 2 hour round trip and often, for obvious reasons finishes later,with as hoc shift times expecting that everyone will be as accommodating of this.
Now don't get me wrong, if there was more dialogue, not when you've got or agreed your shifts, but beforehand, then yes I think that your ohs being a shit not taking any responsibility for the children. However, he's obviously got his hours set up to be as family friendly as possible given the 2pm eow finish on a Friday. Whereas you've chosen to return to what sounds as the least family friendly setup possible.
I personally, think that the mc is having an understandabke impact. Though tbh why you'd be having another is beyond me at this point.
If you leave, yes you've reduced the children you're responsible for. And yes this means you go back to eow and half the holidays parenting with all of the children as the 18m would also then go. But you'd still be in an absolute predicament re shifts unless you're going to continuously rely on family for the unsociable hours that fall out of childcare timings. So would you change to more reasonable shifts or request set patterns? If so, why aren't you doing that now? Better still, could you not be relocated to a closer more local depot and stop adding a further 2 hours on?
It's your choice whether you end the relationship or not, but judging everything based on the current lockdown situation is probably not the best timing for such a decision to be made.

@MotherExtraordinaire
I don't know how paramedic rotas are organised but I work a job where the week begins on a Friday.
So it's perfectly possible to work Monday and Tuesday of week 1 then Friday and Saturday of week 2.
So two different work weeks but one calendar week

@sleepyshiftworker

He's just woken me.... for sex, pulled my pyjamas down and touching me. Despite asking when we went to bed if I was horny and wanted a kiss. I said no. He complained that we don't have sex any more (I had a miscarriage in January) we've barely had sex since.

Why are you still there? Surely you’d be screaming at a friend to chuck the twat out???

Pulling your bottoms down is disgusting, my DH would be thrown out for that alone.

Really feel for you OP and hope you get rid. I’d be tempted to as the ex why they split and get the real story - I suspect the reasons will be identical to what you’re going through.

Lazy cunt he is.

After all the discussions and this is what he does? Truly incredible. I don’t think he cares about you AT ALL. I think I would have punched him. Surely this is the end of the line? There can be no coming back from that kind of bullshit.

@MotherExtraordinaire we live in a rural location. There is no more local depot - I also am on a waiting list for what they call a "line" which is set shifts on a regular pattern, but due to COVID blah blah blah they put a hold on stuff (probably due to massive staff sickness) so I'm stuck on "relief". The lady that does my rota is amazing and she accommodates when my older DC are here - so I work more one week than the other so I don't work the weekends they are here.

It's distressing and tiring just reading about your life @sleepyshiftworker. I feel like I just want to come and rescue you.

I never say leave. But leave. Please.

Make a list:
What does he bring to the table,
How does he make you feel
What kind of father is his

Then make a list of your ideals

He won't match up to any of them. Then you've a decision to make.

He sounds very very selfish and unless he starts to be a partner in your partnership and not someone who dips in and out to please himself I think you'd be better off alone.