This is sleep related .... I've no perspective

[sleepyshiftworker]

Apologies in advance - I need some outside perspective but I'll try and keep this brief and pertinent.

Back story. Second relationship. Both have children from previous. 18 month old with each other. Our older DC are with their other parents atm due to half term.

He works normal office hours, senior management, due to COVID he's WFH 8am-5 with breaks. When he has to go in it's an hours drive each way. EOW he leaves work on Friday at 2 to collect his older DC.

I'm a paramedic. I work shifts. I have an hours drive to work and same home. I cut my hours when I went back after the baby to 24 a week as I went back just as COVID hit last year and I couldn't find child care that worked for the DC (especially the baby) and it's draining and always over time if I want to do it which is more flexible for me than being contracted full time.

We have a mortgage, joint finances, joint account which we both pay into. He earns more than me but contributes more than I.

Here's the AIBU.
I'm absolutely exhausted. Homeschooling, all that jazz with a whirlwind toddler and working and doing everything else.

For example last week I worked Tuesday 1400-0200 so I cooked dinner in slow cooker before I left, enabled him to just get on with work and not worry. My older dc are self sufficient and don't require too much input - He wFH with my DC and the baby here which is rare as I've been relying on my sister having them when I work during the day, then all he does is pick them up circa 1930 and put them to bed.

The baby was up on and off teething with temperature Friday night. I had about 2 hours sleep. Apparently he felt too unwell to help even though I asked him to, and he went and slept in one of the older DC empty beds.

Then I worked Saturday 1000-2200 getting home at 0000.

Saturday night after work I got up with the baby in the night then up for the day at 6 on Sunday- He slept in yesterday til 0900.

Classic. I'm on nights tonight and tomorrow night. I asked last night if he would take over the baby so I could get a decent sleep last night as I now won't sleep til mid morning Tuesday when I've dropped the baby off at my sisters. He said yes, but didn't. Then this morning baby awake at 5.15 I asked him to get up with him and he just laid there and didn't move.

I've had enough. I am tired. It isn't safe to do this. The baby doesn't sleep through but isn't hard, he just needs a cuddle / quick shhhh and given his milk which he then drinks himself. Now DH is using the "he doesn't want me, he wants his mum". I'm just raging but I don't know. AIBU? I neee him to actually engage and help without being nagged like a teenager. He soon pipes up the "he's my son" if I suggest plans he doesn't like - but doesn't actually help.

Although. Any advice would be much appreciated to get some one to listen and actually hear me and take on board what I'm saying after I've said the same over and over again, pointed out the disparity, called him out on it multiple times and have even resorted to writing it all put and sending it to him (to which I get no reply).

He doesn't listen / doesn't change.

For who ever asked, my sister thinks he's a prick. I agree with her.

Maybe time for an ultimatum?

Could u stay in a premier inn or similar once a week after a long shift? Leave DP to it.

Also if at home perhaps crash on sofa with noise cancelling headphones so he has to get up with the baby

He should be ashamed of himself. You're doing MORE than your fair share and so far he's getting away with it.

Sounds like you need to have a proper sit down chat. Explain how it's making you feel and that changes are needed. He needs to take this seriously. It's not ok to leave the lion's share of childcare to one parent when you both have responsibilities.

I'd stop preparing dinner for them in advance and little jobs like that. It sounds like he has plenty of time to do it. And keep shaking him until he's awake at night to tend to the baby. I know your instinct is to rush in if he's not going to but he needs to learn he's getting up regardless.

I really feel for you, you must be shattered.

@sleepyshiftworker

Although. Any advice would be much appreciated to get some one to listen and actually hear me and take on board what I'm saying after I've said the same over and over again, pointed out the disparity, called him out on it multiple times and have even resorted to writing it all put and sending it to him (to which I get no reply).

He doesn't listen / doesn't change.

For who ever asked, my sister thinks he's a prick. I agree with her.

You can't flog a dead horse.

Does he want this relationship to work? Because it sounds like it's heading South and unless he makes changes I wouldn't stick around. He's a user and is using your good will to get an easy life.

OP, I’m so cross for you

My DH works shift and when he’s on nights, he’s out of the house between 5pm-7am and can sometimes be awake for 24 hours. I worry so much for his drive home (only 30 mins) as I know he’s knackered and breathe a sigh of relief when he crashes through the front door! As a family, we then try so hard to be quiet the next day so he can catch up on sleep, I cannot believe that not only does your ‘D’H not do this but he doesn’t give a shit about ensuring you get some sleep before you even head off to work.

How would he like it if he had an accident and knew he was being treated by a paramedic that had been awake for over 24 hours and barely got any sleep the night before that? (This is not a dig at you, BTW just trying to make him think about it)

What does he think is fair?

I did massive stints of being awake when my eldest was a baby as my mum offered to look after them then changed her mind. I now have two long term health conditions which I feel were triggered by sleep deprivation. I also have a frayed relationship with my mum and my (now) ex. You need to take him to task before you end up sick. Something has to give.

Words have made no difference to the way he acts and the expectations he is laying upon you.
As he won't listen to words, it's needs to be done through an action that will make him sit up and take notice.
So in your shoes I would be booking into a Premier Inn or equivalent for at least the next two weeks, leaving everything on the home front for him to deal with and telling him that you will not be returning to take up the slack until he demonstrates that he understands what a complete prick he is being and offers what course of action he will take to remedy your completely justified hurt and anger in regards to this.

He's not been to the child minder since we first met her a year ago. Despite her living 4 miles away and him WFH on the days he has been, and me sleeping - but I have to go and get him as DH won't.

He expected you to get up after a night shift to collect your DC? Wanker.

Although. Any advice would be much appreciated to get some one to listen and actually hear me and take on board what I'm saying after I've said the same over and over again, pointed out the disparity, called him out on it multiple times and have even resorted to writing it all put and sending it to him (to which I get no reply).

He doesn’t even engage in the conversation? He blanks you about it?

Do you want to stay with him? I think a short, sharp shock to his system is in order.

If you asked him to leave (as he’s no bloody help anyway), does he have somewhere to go?

@NoSquirrels yes, if it's stuff he doesn't like - he doesn't reply. He says it's because he doesn't know what to say. Reality is, he knows he's been a shit or done wrong so would rather shut it down and move on therefore taking no responsibility or making any thing better.

Yes he would have some where to go but it's half term and his kids are going to be here later for the rest of the week.

I've survived my two shifts. Not sure how tbh and my old dc will be home later. Got to muster some strength to make pancakes.

I think it’s crunch time for you and him. He needs to be told to shape up or ship out. But it’s awful having to have these conversations with actual adult. He’s acting like a grumpy teenager

This will probably go down like a lead balloon but I think a single bed should go in the kids bedroom and you should fit a lock to your bedroom door. On the days you need sleep id go and sleep and lock the door DH can sort things out.

His dc are here. He hasn't booked leave for half term. He has calls booked all day tomorrow. I haven't been to bed yet. I've just got the baby to bed and am now about to shower and go to sleep - except he's just put a film on for his children and made popcorn and given them a snack pack of Cadbury so they'll be up HOURS. I'm seriously fed up.

Remember Switzerland? I really think the only way is to vote with your feet. You’re a key worker so you have a legitimate reason to go to a hotel. His children are his responsibility. He will find a way to cope with your toddler and will have to take the day off tomorrow.

If he wont listen to you when you speak or write it down, would he go to counselling? Having to explain himself infront of a stranger might give him a different perspective? Otherwise I think you'll have to leave or get him to leave and take turns with the toddler so he can see what it's like doing all the work by himself when he has the toddler on his contact day

God, this is so depressing. I really feel for you OP.

I would be telling him he needs to arrange to take some annual leave and parental leave to look after the DC so you can get the sleep needed around your shifts.

If he doesn't he can f*ck off and move out.

I’m so sorry op, I really hope you are now fast asleep. I think you need to give him an ultimatum because he’s made it very clear he doesn’t care about your well being and your sleep deprivation is putting you and others in danger. Could you go and stay with your sister so you can catch up
on sleep? Hugs xx

Oh OP my heart rate went up reading this.

I am raging on your behalf. How fucking dare he.

Yes the pandemic is hard on everyone and I’m sure him working from home and having aspects of childcare and home schooling to sort is difficult and annoying for him but fucking hell, what an absolute arsehole.

He simply does not give one flying fuck that you are out there doing a high risk job on the absolute bare minimum of sleep. He repeatedly refuses to step up and do even one or two nights a week with baby. And then to top it off he wants sex and WAKES YOU UP to try and smooth you over.

Who in their right mind wants sex with someone who gives zero shits about their health and well-being.

The positive thing is in reality we are coming towards the end of the lockdown, schools and nurseries will start to open up again soon and perhaps child minders etc too.

Personally I’d be looking to find the best possible childcare once available and Id be seriously seriously considering my future options because once you have that childcare back in place you will realise how much you simply don’t need this piece of shit in your life.

I would rip the face off of my partner if he acted like this.

I am struggling to see any redeeming features. I would never treat anyone I care about like that. I have nothing to say other than consider your future with him OP and go stay with your sister x

He sounds like my ex husband. I’d be on my knees literally begging him to just pick up after himself so I had less to do. He never did, then wondered why I never wanted sex. Urgh!
Can you tell him you’ve been pulled up at work about your tiredness?

I would be reading him the riot act tbh.

Does he understand that your job involves peoples lives? Does he care? Does he give a shit that he’s such an ineffectual father he can’t even get a toddler back to sleep? And how DARE he wake you for sex?!

If he doesn’t start sharing the load, particularly with his child, then there is no future for your relationship.

Guess who's up .... toddler woke and wanted me apparently. Now he's snoring and I'm wide awake with a ruined body clock.

And yes. He wanted sex when he came up to bed.