This is sleep related .... I've no perspective

[sleepyshiftworker]

Apologies in advance - I need some outside perspective but I'll try and keep this brief and pertinent.

Back story. Second relationship. Both have children from previous. 18 month old with each other. Our older DC are with their other parents atm due to half term.

He works normal office hours, senior management, due to COVID he's WFH 8am-5 with breaks. When he has to go in it's an hours drive each way. EOW he leaves work on Friday at 2 to collect his older DC.

I'm a paramedic. I work shifts. I have an hours drive to work and same home. I cut my hours when I went back after the baby to 24 a week as I went back just as COVID hit last year and I couldn't find child care that worked for the DC (especially the baby) and it's draining and always over time if I want to do it which is more flexible for me than being contracted full time.

We have a mortgage, joint finances, joint account which we both pay into. He earns more than me but contributes more than I.

Here's the AIBU.
I'm absolutely exhausted. Homeschooling, all that jazz with a whirlwind toddler and working and doing everything else.

For example last week I worked Tuesday 1400-0200 so I cooked dinner in slow cooker before I left, enabled him to just get on with work and not worry. My older dc are self sufficient and don't require too much input - He wFH with my DC and the baby here which is rare as I've been relying on my sister having them when I work during the day, then all he does is pick them up circa 1930 and put them to bed.

The baby was up on and off teething with temperature Friday night. I had about 2 hours sleep. Apparently he felt too unwell to help even though I asked him to, and he went and slept in one of the older DC empty beds.

Then I worked Saturday 1000-2200 getting home at 0000.

Saturday night after work I got up with the baby in the night then up for the day at 6 on Sunday- He slept in yesterday til 0900.

Classic. I'm on nights tonight and tomorrow night. I asked last night if he would take over the baby so I could get a decent sleep last night as I now won't sleep til mid morning Tuesday when I've dropped the baby off at my sisters. He said yes, but didn't. Then this morning baby awake at 5.15 I asked him to get up with him and he just laid there and didn't move.

I've had enough. I am tired. It isn't safe to do this. The baby doesn't sleep through but isn't hard, he just needs a cuddle / quick shhhh and given his milk which he then drinks himself. Now DH is using the "he doesn't want me, he wants his mum". I'm just raging but I don't know. AIBU? I neee him to actually engage and help without being nagged like a teenager. He soon pipes up the "he's my son" if I suggest plans he doesn't like - but doesn't actually help.

I can't believe he woke you up

Hub, not toddler!

I don’t how you’ve not throttled him by now! Extreme lack of sleep makes me scarily psychotic, and if I had actually managed to finally get to sleep and someone woke me
For anything less than a life threatening emergency, let alone for sex, well they may not survive the night!
Maybe not being able to do anything but scream at him right now is the way to go; he’s not responded to conversation / texts / letters, so maybe he needs it hammering into his thick skull (with an actual hammer is tempting!) for him to take by notice! Oh, and forget parenting his kids, if they want anything, tell them to go ask their Dad, let him sort everything for them and fuck the meetings! Better yet, go somewhere else and sleep and he candle with all of them! The utter twat needs binning when all considered though

I’m so sorry you’re having to put up with this, OP. He sounds like a lazy sex pest at best and a genuinely creepy manipulator at worst. Sleep deprivation is literally used as a form of torture! If possible you should stay with your sister to sleep - not only for your health but also perhaps to let yourself step back and uncover the ick you probably feel towards him.

He’s a fuckwit.
I think the poster who said move into a hotel for a few days has nailed it. That means he has to deal with the toddler (who is after all his toddler too). Plus means you get some much needed kip.
Or, just re-evaluate what are you actually getting from this relationship? What do you want? And do you think he’ll change?
Clue : 🐆❌

Just how has this happened? When you were going back to work you must've factored in how both of you would deal with it?

Why does he not collect the children from your sisters until 7.30 when he finishes work at 5?

Why was that even agreed?

Your sister sounds like a godsend, hope she never decides to stop helping!

OP,
Please stop this craziness now.
You have a very responsible job dealing with life-or-death situations - and I'm not being dramatic here.
Talk to your employer. Ask them if you can have temporary accommodation at the hospital for at least one night a week while you sort out some childcare.

Do it today before you put your own and other peoples' lives at risk.

God this has made me feel stabby. I would say if you ever wake me up for sex again I will stab you. And make it perfectly clear I mean it 100%.

Can you not just leave him to sort everything while his kids are there. Literally stay away for minimum 3 days. He walks in you walk out. No discussion no bailing him out.

Sorry but he's an absolute manipulative cunt. I hate him for you.

If you left him, you'd get some proper time to. Yourself....

Op you know yourself something has to give, either he steps up or steps aside and he has the baby for 50% of the time when you spit up, point this out to him

OK, realistically if he hasn’t sorted out time off for half term it’s not happening now so I suppose you need to just endure these next 2 days, especially if you have your older DC too. Are you working again before the weekend?

At the weekend, ask your sister if you & older DC can come over- because you need to sleep. Leave toddler with your husband and his older DC. He can take toddler with him to drop his DC back to their mother.

You need to prioritise yourself. And as you have older DC I realise this is hard because you need to be around for them. That’s why I’m suggesting your sister, so he has no possible objection to being expected to look after your DC. You shouldn’t have to do this but you need a line in the sand.

He’s an arsehole and you need to make sure he knows it and that you won’t put up with it.

He sounds like an unhelpful knob
Don’t put up with this shit

He got up with the toddler only after I was awake and made him take him down stairs.
I've been down, made myself a cup of tea and come back to bed. I can hear all sorts of toddler related melt downs and him morning at having to make pancake batter clearly with a toddler hanging round his leg. Welcome to my world chap.

I'm just so let down by the selfish self serving attitude, from him but also in turn his DC as they just don't care - hardly got the role model to copy here with Him.

I'm not at work til next week now as I took AL for half term when my older DC were here.

We can't really go any where due to lock down but I'm planning on going for a long bike ride / run with mine and leaving him and his here. Tomorrow I'm going to my sisters to have her children all day while she works so I definitely won't be able to have his as I won't be here!!

So I need to sort this before next week as I'm doing 4 12 hours shifts next week. A day then a night then two lates later on in the week. He's going to have to seriously help, or leave. One or the other.

Op shocked by your update, you really don't need to live like this you know..

This is really scary but I'm glad you have a plan. I don't understand why people have children and don't get that they are HARD WORK! No one has ever said otherwise!

He is the baby's parent. Maybe the baby does want you but that's because he is never there. As the baby gets older he will wonder why he doesn't have a relationship with him.

Good plan to leave him and his children to it and making him step up or leave!

He's an absolute shit. It sounds like you have asked him and explained to him in many different ways so it's not a case of him not understanding. I don't know.

Could you go to the extent of drawing up a calendar and colouring in your work shifts, sleeping blocks and his "on duty" times very specifically? All done together and agreed- now is this fair? Is this doable. Etc. So it's all laid out very clearly and he can't ignore it? And then just insist that he sticks to it, whatever bullshit excuses he has.

My sister just sent me a text. All
It said is "an apology without change is just manipulation" and that's really got me.

His kids have asked what we are going to do tomorrow while dad works. I've said I've got plans so daddy is with you. He's now flummoxed how he's meant to sort "his" work with them here. Fucker.

Words are cheap. Meaningless in fact. He needs to step up or fuck off.

This is what he would have been like with his ex, when his kids were little.
They are someones ex with kids for a reason. Looks like you've found yours.

Heartbreaking thread.
You poor woman.

Good on your sister for spelling this out to you straight. If your dsis has space, I would be staying the night with her if possible. Have a sit, chat and glass of wine... I’m presuming you’re in a bubble. But even if not, this is something, I believe, which would come under the exceptions rule.

Oh my lord , I feel for you , you must stop this now though, as pp have said you could fall asleep at the wheel & kill another family or your own baby . He is a useless wanker & tell him in no uncertain terms that his laziness cannot carry on . Surely if your bosses knew about your lack of sleep they wouldn’t let you work in such a responsible job, do you have to take turns to drive the ambulance?

Yes we take turns every time we convey a patient to hospital we swap round normally. Although at the moment there's a lot of non clinical driving staff - but that's another story.

I tried to talk to him last night when DC in bed. I went through my shifts for next week & what times I would need to leave etc. I asked him straight if he understands I NEED him to be more proactive and helpful re sleeping and being with the toddler. His response was "well we need to train him to sleep".... and I agree but I don't know how, I've bloody tried everything! And then the next comment was "well I have a job too"

So before I lost it I said that it wasn't fair he woke me up to have a shag - and he said very petulantly that he won't ever initiate sex ever again.

Then he went back on his phone.

So I said I was going to bed and he said "oh charming!"

I've spelt it fucking out loud and clear. I've actually gone through each day with him and explained it all. If he fucks me over this week that will be bloody it I'll change the locks. I'm done with being his bloody house maid, whore and nanny.

I'm so sorry. You deserve so much better

I have to say this is highly a clear insight into why his first marriage really ended!