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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum saying she’s going to live with me

251 replies

Serialcatmum · 14/02/2021 22:52

So when I was a child I honestly believed I would always just stay home/ live with my mum and be happy.

Things changed, I grew up, moved out and got married.

My mum is constantly saying “well you’ve always said I can live with you” whenever she mentions getting old, having operations etc. This comes up pretty regularly, maybe once a month.

I have had serious conversations with her and told her I was a child when I said she could move in with me, I work full time and if she needed care it would need to be carers and I cannot pay my mortgage and be a full time carer. I’ve also told her my husband wouldn’t want that as neither would our young family. I’m not trying to be mean, but each time she says it it makes me feel sick with guilt and anxiety. Just been on FaceTime with her and she said “Darling, that room has got everything stored in there. Where will you put it all when I need that bedroom? Maybe the loft?”

Honestly, I can’t stand it. AIBU .to respond each time with “i love you, sorry you cannot live here but I will of course ensure you had care if needed”

FYI my mum is very young and healthy (she had my young end my brother even younger!!) and lives with my dad. She isn’t ill, disabled or in need of a carer currently.

OP posts:
BlowDryRat · 14/02/2021 23:03

YANBU. Keep saying it, keep meaning it. She might think it's a nice in-joke between you.

Playnoh · 14/02/2021 23:15

Is she joking?

Kaia20 · 14/02/2021 23:18

Just throw her in a nursing home. Just like she threw you in a children’s home when you were little. Who needs moms when we’re grown up now anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

Cocomarine · 14/02/2021 23:19

@Kaia20

Just throw her in a nursing home. Just like she threw you in a children’s home when you were little. Who needs moms when we’re grown up now anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️
Don’t be so utterly ridiculous 🙄
Original poster
Serialcatmum · 14/02/2021 23:20

@Playnoh no. She told my brother at Christmas that if she got ill and needed care she was not going into care and j would have to look after her. She told him that she would haunt us both when she died if I’d “put her in a home”.

My brother had never said he’d care for her/ live with her and moved out tong so she doesn’t expect him to.

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 14/02/2021 23:20

How old is she? Surely she's joking or just winding you up?!

RuledbyASD · 14/02/2021 23:21

@Kaia20

Just throw her in a nursing home. Just like she threw you in a children’s home when you were little. Who needs moms when we’re grown up now anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️
Where does it say op was raised in a children's home???? Confused
DenisetheMenace · 14/02/2021 23:22

I hope she’s joking too. I love my kids and there’s no way I would want to foist myself on them in old age.,

steppemum · 14/02/2021 23:22

How much is she serious and how much has it become a joke for her and she hasn't realised that it doesn't sound like a joke?

Maybe because for her this is not going to happen for 30 years, she doesn't realise you are taking it seriously?
Or is she actively thinking that she'd liek to come and live with her grandchildren?

I think I might start making a joke out of it.
So in the scenario in your OP, I would laugh and say - yeah right mum, and if you move in, just where am I supposed to have my home office? Or Sorry, mum, no space until I win the lottery or give over mum, you know that you and I would last 5 minutes sharing a kitchen!

Playnoh · 14/02/2021 23:23

@Serialcatmum does she suffer from anxiety? Maybe she’s just really scared. If she is healthy and it’s a long way off maybe she’s just afraid of the future and it’s coming out in this way?

DenisetheMenace · 14/02/2021 23:23

Kaia20

Just throw her in a nursing home. Just like she threw you in a children’s home when you were little. Who needs moms when we’re grown up now anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

Don’t be silly. No-one should have children because they want to be cared for when they’re old.

HeronLanyon · 14/02/2021 23:25

She must surely be joking or suffering mental illness of some sort ? - is she showing other signs of odd behaviour, compulsive repetitive inappropriate thoughts etc. Not joking here it sounds odd if she is young and well to be doing this.

steppemum · 14/02/2021 23:26

If she is young and fit and living with your dad, you really are talking about years and years into the future. And, slightly morbidly, anythign coudl happen, from being knocked over by a bus to he dying before your Dad, to her needed lots of care.
Make it clear, without labouring the point, that you are not creating spce for her in your home, but also, stop worrying about something that might never happen.

GeidiPrimes · 14/02/2021 23:26

@Kaia20

Just throw her in a nursing home. Just like she threw you in a children’s home when you were little. Who needs moms when we’re grown up now anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️
So are you of the opinion that because our parents provided care for us when we were children (that they chose to have), we owe them?
AIMD · 14/02/2021 23:28

Yea my mum used to mention things like this to me. She’s actually odd disabled and retired and in need of care that she currently gets from my dad. She hasn’t said it in a Long time because I told her that she wouldn’t ever live with me.

My son says he wants to always live with me and I tell him he can always live me me as long as he wants to. I don’t actually expect him to still think that as an adult though!!!Grin

Can you talk to her seriously aside from the jokes about what her plans are for when she’s older (eg will she downsize, get a bungalow in case of mobility etc). Then if her real plan is for you to care for her you can clearly say no and that she needs to make alternative plans.

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 14/02/2021 23:29

Kaia20 deeply unhelpful and frankly obtuse response. Parents (generally) choose to have children and therefore have a moral responsibility to them whilst they are not yet adult. Children did not choose to be born, nor do they have any meaningful control over the sort of person their parent is. Thus they do not have a moral responsibility to their parent.

On top of that, OP's DM's behaviour sound extremely passive aggressive and manipulative particularly given she has no health concerns and a DH living.

OP I don't think you need to go into specifics really, just say to your DM when it comes up that obviously your current circumstances (house size, family) would mean she couldn't live with you even if it were a live issue, that any such move in the distant future would need very careful thought and that you're not sure it would ever be something you'd want to do.

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 14/02/2021 23:29

Shds young and healthy and living with her partner and is already eyeing up "her" room in your house for whenever she is old and ill?

I'm sorry but that's bonkers.

Original poster
Serialcatmum · 14/02/2021 23:31

Just to clarify, at no point am saying I am I not willing to HELP care for my mum. I love her, she’s my friend a d I love being with her. But I cannot afford to quit my job until I’m 67... I’d help at weekends and evenings of course!!!

When she had an operation I visited every day and took her to all her appointments as my dad refused to do stuff like hoover or was her hair. I think it’s made her more anxious about the future and what it may look like a s that’s why it’s coming up more.

Maybe I do need to respond in a joke way...

OP posts:
Timpeall · 14/02/2021 23:32

Are you from a culture where mums traditionally move in with their adult daughters in old age?

If she's still as you say young and fit and living with your dad I'd just roll my eyes and say 'whatever mum!'.

MyDcAreMarvel · 14/02/2021 23:33

@Serialcatmum why would you want your mother in a home when she could live with you.

NovemberR · 14/02/2021 23:34

I'd be saying Stop. Stop now. We've discussed this, it's not happening and you are beginning to make me ill. If you bring it up again I will put the phone down. I will do this every time you mention it. Unless you want to destroy your relationship with me you will not do this.

And I would absolutely mean it. She's utterly unreasonable. If she's that anxious about the future she needs to seek help. Not make you feel stressed and anxious too.

FlatCheese · 14/02/2021 23:36

You know, when my mum couldn't manage at home I did try and get her to live with me. We lasted about 2 weeks before it all got too much and she had to go into hospital. Staying with me wasn't fair on me or my children and it wasn't the best thing for her either.

You're not (presumably) a nurse and you can't care for someone for 24 hours a day and also look after your family and have a life yourself. Most of the older parents I know realise that it's not a long term solution and look to downsize their house or have a bathroom/wetroom downstairs so they can manage themselves for longer and they don't want to be an unreasonable burden on their children.

Babies and children grow up, their understanding increases and it gets easier to meet their physical needs. At their most dependent they're small enough to lift and carry whereas caring for elderly people usually just gets more difficult as they age, whether that's through physical frailty or mental decline.

GreenClock · 14/02/2021 23:36

Your father sounds disagreeable. She may already be nervous about spending her retirement with him.

EKGEMS · 14/02/2021 23:37

@Kaia20 How about you call her mother and you adopt her?

AIMD · 14/02/2021 23:37

@Serialcatmum

Just to clarify, at no point am saying I am I not willing to HELP care for my mum. I love her, she’s my friend a d I love being with her. But I cannot afford to quit my job until I’m 67... I’d help at weekends and evenings of course!!!

When she had an operation I visited every day and took her to all her appointments as my dad refused to do stuff like hoover or was her hair. I think it’s made her more anxious about the future and what it may look like a s that’s why it’s coming up more.

Maybe I do need to respond in a joke way...

So is the issue your dad? She don’t see her husband as someone who would care for her if she needed it. You’re the only person so she’s clinging on desperately to that?