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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum saying she’s going to live with me

251 replies

Serialcatmum · 14/02/2021 22:52

So when I was a child I honestly believed I would always just stay home/ live with my mum and be happy.

Things changed, I grew up, moved out and got married.

My mum is constantly saying “well you’ve always said I can live with you” whenever she mentions getting old, having operations etc. This comes up pretty regularly, maybe once a month.

I have had serious conversations with her and told her I was a child when I said she could move in with me, I work full time and if she needed care it would need to be carers and I cannot pay my mortgage and be a full time carer. I’ve also told her my husband wouldn’t want that as neither would our young family. I’m not trying to be mean, but each time she says it it makes me feel sick with guilt and anxiety. Just been on FaceTime with her and she said “Darling, that room has got everything stored in there. Where will you put it all when I need that bedroom? Maybe the loft?”

Honestly, I can’t stand it. AIBU .to respond each time with “i love you, sorry you cannot live here but I will of course ensure you had care if needed”

FYI my mum is very young and healthy (she had my young end my brother even younger!!) and lives with my dad. She isn’t ill, disabled or in need of a carer currently.

OP posts:
DenisetheMenace · 14/02/2021 23:37

MyDcAreMarvel

@Serialcatmum why would you want your mother in a home when she could live with you.

Perhaps because she has a family life and caring for an elderly, dependant person isn’t practical?

EKGEMS · 14/02/2021 23:39

@MyDcAreMarvel I can hear your mother calling,it's time to come off MN and have your dinner-off you go

Plumplumbadum · 14/02/2021 23:40

Don't be so ridiculous. Op's DM decided to have a child. A child, not a carer for old age.

It's not now her responsibility to look after her mother. She has children of her own.

justcannotwithyou · 14/02/2021 23:40

@Kaia20

Just throw her in a nursing home. Just like she threw you in a children’s home when you were little. Who needs moms when we’re grown up now anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️
How very dramatic Grin

If you have a child it is your responsibility to care for that child. It isn't that childs responsibility to care for you in your old age though.

partyatthepalace · 14/02/2021 23:40

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
Serialcatmum · 14/02/2021 23:40

@MyDcAreMarvel because of all th reasons I put in my original post...

I share my home with my husband and he doesn’t want that. I also work. Clearly you have not read my post.

OP posts:
Enough4me · 14/02/2021 23:41

Stop explaining and simply state, "no, not possible" and change the subject. Seriously, it's not possible so don't even entertain talking about it. By talking she just thinks she's moving you onto the idea.

Original poster
Serialcatmum · 14/02/2021 23:43

Thanks everyone I will have a proper chat with my mum when I can see her face to face and discuss her future possible options and her current anxiety. Hopefully a little planning for different scenarios will help ease her (obvious) anxiety and offer her the reassurance she needs. X

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 14/02/2021 23:44

How old is she? Does she live with her parents or in laws? Would she have wanted to?

FraggleShingleBellRock · 14/02/2021 23:47

Where I live there is several great little council run sheltered accommodation flats and bungalows. They range from independent living with a buzzer for falls right up to flats in a home style setting with communal space and a little supervision. Something like that could be a C possibility?

Love51 · 14/02/2021 23:51

Your dad wouldn't do his own hoovering? She needs a plan! A cleaner seems a reasonable solution. Yes it costs money, but it isn't you shirking your responsibility, it is your dad.

My children both want to live with me for ever, although DS went through a stage when he wanted to stay in our house and me to move next door (the neighbours would move out but I'd get custody of their cat). I don't argue with them, but there is no way I'm planning on holding them to this when they grow up. Your mum perhaps has serious worries which deserve addressing. You presumably didn't have a husband and children when you wanted to live with your mum forever! You can talk to her about what works for you all. My parents are a tad unusual in that they moved round the corner from me from 100s of miles away, so I can visit daily - they don't need care yet but when the time comes I can oversee a care package and be on hand. The plan is to keep them in their own home s looking as possible. My nan went into a home, she had dementia and both her children had young children and 2 adults both working. I think my dad regrets that now, since then he has worked for a care home and really doesn't like them.

lookmeintheeye · 14/02/2021 23:54

Make no mistake she means it and she's working on you gradually, I would either be very firm and say 'no ain't happening' or change the subject/brush it aside each time and refuse to engage
You're an adult and she can't make you do anything☝️🤨

GabsAlot · 14/02/2021 23:54

she does sound very anxious about being left with your dad to care for her

maybe talk to her about it

OakSnows · 14/02/2021 23:58

@Serialcatmum

Just to clarify, at no point am saying I am I not willing to HELP care for my mum. I love her, she’s my friend a d I love being with her. But I cannot afford to quit my job until I’m 67... I’d help at weekends and evenings of course!!!

When she had an operation I visited every day and took her to all her appointments as my dad refused to do stuff like hoover or was her hair. I think it’s made her more anxious about the future and what it may look like a s that’s why it’s coming up more.

Maybe I do need to respond in a joke way...

Your dad sounds like a shit. Also similar here, when MIL went into hospital she was annoyed people didn’t go and cook for young able Fil and do his washing!
BoomBoomsCousin · 14/02/2021 23:58

Given what you say about your dad, a proper, serious chat with her sounds important. It’s really sad that she lives with someone who won’t care for her in very basic and simple ways. She ought to start thinking about a realistic way she can put herself in a better position.

ArnoJambonsBike · 14/02/2021 23:59

@Kaia20

Just throw her in a nursing home. Just like she threw you in a children’s home when you were little. Who needs moms when we’re grown up now anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️
The saying "opinions are like arseholes, we've all got one and yours stinks" has never felt so apt.
Thedramasummer · 15/02/2021 00:01

@Kaia20

Just throw her in a nursing home. Just like she threw you in a children’s home when you were little. Who needs moms when we’re grown up now anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️
Aye so when they OPs MIL also wants to move in she will need to get a set of bunk beds so the mothers can share their room.
lookmeintheeye · 15/02/2021 00:01

Then if her real plan is for you to care for her
It does sound likely that she has decided upon this as a plan and is now enacting it, try not to lose sight of how out of order it is to make a plan for someone else without their knowledge or consent!

lookmeintheeye · 15/02/2021 00:03

Given that your father refuses to lift a finger it sounds as if they both regard you as their slave OP🙄

MyDcAreMarvel · 15/02/2021 00:05

@Serialcatmum no I did read your post I thought maybe you had a genuine reason I had missed. Thanks for clarifying both yourself and your husband are utterly selfish.

AIMD · 15/02/2021 00:15

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]@Serialcatmum no I did read your post I thought maybe you had a genuine reason I had missed. Thanks for clarifying both yourself and your husband are utterly selfish.[/quote]
Ew what a horrible person you are

AgnesNaismith · 15/02/2021 00:19

OP get used to repeating this phrase to yourself ‘I am not legally, nor morally bound to look after dm in her old age’

And that’s all

feistyoneyouare · 15/02/2021 00:23

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]@Serialcatmum no I did read your post I thought maybe you had a genuine reason I had missed. Thanks for clarifying both yourself and your husband are utterly selfish.[/quote]
@MyDcAreMarvel do you have any experience of elder care yourself?

Esse321 · 15/02/2021 00:26

OP she's playing you

BashfulClam · 15/02/2021 00:37

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]@Serialcatmum no I did read your post I thought maybe you had a genuine reason I had missed. Thanks for clarifying both yourself and your husband are utterly selfish.[/quote]
So how is she meant to care for her mother when they work full time? So are they also to take in mil/fil as needed too? Away and chase yersel ya clown!