Mum saying she’s going to live with me

[Serialcatmum]

So when I was a child I honestly believed I would always just stay home/ live with my mum and be happy.

Things changed, I grew up, moved out and got married.

My mum is constantly saying “well you’ve always said I can live with you” whenever she mentions getting old, having operations etc. This comes up pretty regularly, maybe once a month.

I have had serious conversations with her and told her I was a child when I said she could move in with me, I work full time and if she needed care it would need to be carers and I cannot pay my mortgage and be a full time carer. I’ve also told her my husband wouldn’t want that as neither would our young family. I’m not trying to be mean, but each time she says it it makes me feel sick with guilt and anxiety. Just been on FaceTime with her and she said “Darling, that room has got everything stored in there. Where will you put it all when I need that bedroom? Maybe the loft?”

Honestly, I can’t stand it. AIBU .to respond each time with “i love you, sorry you cannot live here but I will of course ensure you had care if needed”

FYI my mum is very young and healthy (she had my young end my brother even younger!!) and lives with my dad. She isn’t ill, disabled or in need of a carer currently.

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]@Serialcatmum no I did read your post I thought maybe you had a genuine reason I had missed. Thanks for clarifying both yourself and your husband are utterly selfish.[/quote]
Seriously they are selfish is that what you think.

Do you understand what care would mean for them

Children are not born so they look after their parents full time ffs. That’s not how it works

Even you were going to take her to live with you if and when she needed it, does she actually expect you to keep a room empty for her until that day comes? Are you sure she’s not joking with you?

She told him that she would haunt us both when she died if I’d “put her in a home”.

Haha, my mum used to say that. She's in a home now. Perhaps I should be nervous but I'm not, the relief is too huge.

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]@Serialcatmum no I did read your post I thought maybe you had a genuine reason I had missed. Thanks for clarifying both yourself and your husband are utterly selfish.[/quote]
Oh, how I pity your children. Do they know you expect them to be their carer? Do they know they will need to buy a house with an extra room so that you can come live with them and their wives/husbands and kids? You should probably tell them so they know what they're in for.

@MyDcAreMarvel I have cared for an ill parent until they died. It was all day long every day. They’d be left whilst we were out at work home hungry, thirsty and in their own filth! Luckily my mum managed early retirement to care for my dad but I helped. Have you had to wipe your own parents arse for them as they shit the bed for the third night running? Changed the bed twice in the night then worked a full shift the next day? I have and I nearly broke Have you any idea of the time that is taken to care for an elderly person? Her husband married her and not her intents so why does he then have to help his mil/fil to go to the toilet?

@Kaia20

Just throw her in a nursing home. Just like she threw you in a children’s home when you were little. Who needs moms when we’re grown up now anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

Difference is that she chose to have the OP. No one is obliged to provide care for their elderley parent (often when they're still working age themselves) just because that parent didn't abandon or neglect them as a child

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]@Serialcatmum no I did read your post I thought maybe you had a genuine reason I had missed. Thanks for clarifying both yourself and your husband are utterly selfish.[/quote]
Ew, revolting and very unpleasant, I'll bet yourself is lovely

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]@Serialcatmum why would you want your mother in a home when she could live with you.[/quote]
I wonder if some people just have fantastic relationships with their lovely, healthy mothers, or genuinely don't understand that some people have a bad relationship with a dangerous and toxic mother.

I'd much rather put my mum in a home than have her live with me. I'd be no good being a carer is I was also having daily anxiety attacks from having to put up with her horrible, judgmental and frankly abusive gaslighting behaviour.

I also hope @MyDcAreMarvel thinks the brother is selfish?

Oh dear, too much wine. That was meant to say "Do they know you expect them to be your carer?" Not their carer

A couple of months ago, my Dad very matter of factly, dropped into the conversation that of course he would be moving in with us when he became too frail as there was no way he was ever going into a nursing home (he's currently late 60's)

This is a man who has played a very superficial role in my life and has never made any effort with his grandchildren.

He was swiftly told that would NOT be happening and that it is not my responsibility to be his carer (incidentally something he never did for his own parents)

OP I suggest you be VERY blunt with your Mum. Tell her that you will help and support, but you are not giving up your life and sacrificing your own happiness to care for her on a permanent basis.

I wonder how this business of her moving in with you in old age came about. I understand you did you’d never move out as a child. But that is very different from her moving in. Either she’s losing her sanity a little / got anxiety due to your father’s behaviour or she manipulated you into agreeing to this as a child when you didn’t understand. You are very right to push back.

Can’t you just help her plan for her old age? I personally think I am responsible for caring for my surviving parent. I wouldn’t like to die in a home, so I hope that they don’t have to (unless they want to).

Kaia20
Just throw her in a nursing home. Just like she threw you in a children’s home when you were little. Who needs moms when we’re grown up now anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

My mum actually did throw me in a children's home lol - Guess I'm warranted to chuck her in a home!

@Kaia20

Just throw her in a nursing home. Just like she threw you in a children’s home when you were little. Who needs moms when we’re grown up now anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

Huh?

I would never want to impose on my children in that way. They don't owe me something just because I raised them. I would hope that they love and respect me and want to continue a relationship with me, and that's plenty enough. You don't have kids so that you can go and mooch off them when you're old. You want them to go off and live their own lives.

If she's planning on moving in with you OP where does your dad fit into this? Is it possible she wants to leave him but doesn't know how or thinks she wouldn't cope alone? Or does she think they'd both move in with you? I don't think she's joking and neither do you or it wouldn't be making you ill.

If she goes into hospital you/her need to tell them she doesn't have help at home. When they ask if there's anyone at home they're assuming it's ok to discharge her because she'll have help. Don't let her tell them it's ok my DD is going to look after me, which she might! You can't spend all your evenings and weekends helping with her care it's not practical long term you'd run yourself into the ground.

Like others, I wondered whether she was joking - but then I saw that about your Dad refusing to help out after her operation and wonder now whether it's genuine anxiety about what would happen to her.

Either way I think you have to have that chat, as you've said you will, to knock it on the head. Tell her that, although you'll always do your best to ensure she has the right care, actually living with you is not going to happen because it's a recipe for disaster all round (in nearly all cases) and you don't want to fall out with her. I know people who've done it, both with people they got on immensely well with and people they could just about stand, and it's AWFUL in both cases. I've done it, but for only 6 weeks - stayed at my MIL's when we moved over to Australia because the house we were moving into wasn't ready and we had a 20mo with us - STILL awful. And then she kept coming over every bloody day after that too - I had to ask DH to reduce it to max 3x a week because I felt totally overwhelmed with her being constantly THERE. We recovered, and get on fine, but I couldn't do it again, or have her live here.

My mother shared a bedroom with her maternal grandmother, who was bedridden. She took care of her every morning before going to school - bathed her, brushed her hair and fed her until she died.
When she grew up and married, my mother and her sister, my aunt, took care of my grandmother, who was blind. She lived with them for 20 years. I shared a room with her until I grew up and moved out.
I worked full time and raised three children as a single parent. But I lived right next door to my mother and my aunt and took care of them while they lived. (My aunt lived to be 102.)
Yes there were three sons/brothers and they did nothing but their wives took care of the wives' parents and they accepted that.
I am retired now and one of my children lives with me and one lives next door. I have made it clear to them I would rather die in bed than linger in a nursing home, being useless and wasting money. I hope they will respect my wishes.

Honestly, I can’t stand it. AIBU .to respond each time with “i love you, sorry you cannot live here but I will of course ensure you had care if needed”

Just keep saying this, rinse and repeat. Don't engage or talk about it in a positive way, just keep saying no I can't do it.

If she is anxious about what your father will be like when they retire, that's another issue which she needs to explore. But she can't just lump her problem onto you in the future. Good luck.

Done posters have no idea what can be involved with caring for a parent who can’t be in their own home anymore. Most of the time an adult who can’t look after themselves needs speciality, high level care. Most of us can’t provide that in our homes, especially if we work. Our homes are also unlikely to be set up for people who may have mobility issues etc. It’s simply not as easy as saying ‘why wouldn’t you want her to live with you?’

*some

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]@Serialcatmum no I did read your post I thought maybe you had a genuine reason I had missed. Thanks for clarifying both yourself and your husband are utterly selfish.[/quote]
Mind boggling.

How can putting the welfare of your own children, who you chose to have, be selfish? How can wanting your marriage not to collapse under the strain of it all be selfish? I have nursed a dying parent and am now a carer for my elderly mother. It is exhausting and relentless and there's no way I would expect my husband and children to take it on as well.

How can needing to work in order to pay your mortgage be selfish? Maybe the OP should sell her house and downsize. They could all live in a tiny shack. She could move her in-laws in too, and the grandparents could all share a bed like in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

And on that note, do you know what happens to middle aged women who give up their financial independence in order to be full time carers? They become elderly women with no money. And then, what do you know, everyone thinks they are selfish for not providing for themselves financially in retirement. Women can't do a bloody thing without being labelled as selfish.

I feel like I'm in a minority but if I had space I might care for someone if it could've done in a way that worked. I remember an elderly aunt coming to us as a child, it was positive on both sides (my mum and dad both worked, so I didn't see it falling onto just my mother). I wouldn't give up work and would expect the person to pay towards care but I would consider it.

I can totally understand why people don't wish to go into a home.

But no one has to do it these days. I think you need to initiate a conversation with your mum in your own time, perhaps with your DH too, to explain if you are certain you won't want to do this.

God my mum is exactly the same. She acts like shes joking but she means it. Theres no bloody way I'll ever live with her again

Mum is 87 now and had a mild heart attack a couple of week ago, she returned from hospital and my diss has moved in to care for her, apparently she is ok but is scared of being on her own. Diss called yesterday and said I wasn’t pulling my weight, I explained that I had a job and disabled child and couldn’t move in but I am prepared to help. Big row ensues and I feel so bad. Mum refuses external careers so it is really shit. My son needs me more, I cannot be away from home.
I think you are prob a long way off this op but you feel so bloody guilty.