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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum saying she’s going to live with me

251 replies

Serialcatmum · 14/02/2021 22:52

So when I was a child I honestly believed I would always just stay home/ live with my mum and be happy.

Things changed, I grew up, moved out and got married.

My mum is constantly saying “well you’ve always said I can live with you” whenever she mentions getting old, having operations etc. This comes up pretty regularly, maybe once a month.

I have had serious conversations with her and told her I was a child when I said she could move in with me, I work full time and if she needed care it would need to be carers and I cannot pay my mortgage and be a full time carer. I’ve also told her my husband wouldn’t want that as neither would our young family. I’m not trying to be mean, but each time she says it it makes me feel sick with guilt and anxiety. Just been on FaceTime with her and she said “Darling, that room has got everything stored in there. Where will you put it all when I need that bedroom? Maybe the loft?”

Honestly, I can’t stand it. AIBU .to respond each time with “i love you, sorry you cannot live here but I will of course ensure you had care if needed”

FYI my mum is very young and healthy (she had my young end my brother even younger!!) and lives with my dad. She isn’t ill, disabled or in need of a carer currently.

OP posts:
CounsellorTroi · 15/02/2021 15:27

I looked after both of my parents it's part of our culture, we never allow them to go into homes as they looked after us when we couldn't fend for ourselves. The family all care together though, it's never left to one person.

Did they have dementia?

TitusPullo · 15/02/2021 15:33

Good point @CounsellorTroi - From personal experience of a grandparent, a person with Dementia will need professional care at some point for their own safety and the mental health of the rest of the family.

CounsellorTroi · 15/02/2021 15:36

@TitusPullo yes. I'm willing to bet that those who say they'd never put their parent in a home have no personal experience of a parent or grandparent with dementia. It is absolutely soul destroying being responsible for them 24 hours a day.

Tarantallegra · 15/02/2021 15:42

Income is irrelevant might be my favourite deluded mumsnet quote of all time. Good luck OP and yanbu.

wellthatsunusual · 15/02/2021 15:51

@Tarantallegra

Income is irrelevant might be my favourite deluded mumsnet quote of all time. Good luck OP and yanbu.
Yes indeed. Who needs food and shelter when you have love? And to hell with your kids education whilst we're at it. Teenage daughter can't revise for her GCSEs because she has to share a bedroom with granny who is immobile and has dementia? Kids can't have friends over because granny is terrified of strangers? Tough luck. They're just being selfish wanting to live a normal life, with friends and education.
DuchessHastings · 15/02/2021 16:05

@TheSunshines
no one is forcing you to look after your mother if its making you both miserable

DuchessHastings · 15/02/2021 16:12

@TheSunshines

'Admittedly I don't live in the UK, but the care homes in my town all have good reputations, and seem to do a great job.'

Good for you and I hope you never have to experience a relative being stole from beaten and raped and left in a piss soaked bed. I suggest you Google some articles about care homes in the UK seen as you don't live here.
One woman just before Christmas was extremely ill and you could tell just by looking at her and they wouldnt phone the doctor until Monday and closed the blinds on the relative and walked off it was extremely upsetting to watch.

yet your miserable as sin looking after your mother. Do you have children and a job like OP as no one can work look after children whilst getting up in the night to clean an elderly relative, its not like changing a babies nappy
feistyoneyouare · 15/02/2021 16:15

It’s not the states responsibility to bridge the gap between the money needed for care once any money from a sale of property has run out.

Erm, actually, if an elderly person has spent their whole adult life working and paying into the system, that bloody well does entitle them to help. Otherwise what's the point of contributions?

Also, I notice you still haven't answered my question re whether you personally have experience of caring for an elderly relative, as I and others on this thread have. If you have, then I'm amazed your approach to this issue is so naive and poorly thought out.

poppycat10 · 15/02/2021 16:19

@CounsellorTroi

I looked after both of my parents it's part of our culture, we never allow them to go into homes as they looked after us when we couldn't fend for ourselves. The family all care together though, it's never left to one person.

Did they have dementia?

Presumably they died quite young when they were just living with you.

There is a difference between the granny knitting in the corner that a pp mentioned who will just need cooking and clothes washing done for them, and the incontinent 90 something with or without dementia who needs 24 hour care and two people to get them to the toilet.

poppycat10 · 15/02/2021 16:28

@MyDcAreMarvel

How does she fund her own retirement if she gives up her ability to earn? From the remaining 3/4 of the family income. Her part time wage and her husbands full time wage. And the many decades of full time earning apart from the few short years putting someone else ie her mum before herself.
But if she needs full time care her DH wouldn't be able to work either as an elderly person with complex needs will need more than one person to look after them and also 24 hours which one person can't do.

And maybe he also has parents and what happens to them?

PinkyParrot · 15/02/2021 16:34

The 2 care homes I have had dealings with have been very good.

BashfulClam · 15/02/2021 16:34

I think you also need to think about safety. People with dementia can go wandering unless they are watched carefully, do dangerous things like leave things on the boomer and in some cases become violent. Our neighbour years ago had to put his wife into residential care as she was becoming very violent and had injured him badly. He couldn’t cope and it broke him down. He was like a lost soul and religiously every day he got on the bus twice a day and went to see her. If we ever issued him in the car we’d give him a lift. He went every single day to her side even though she didn’t remember him. Should he have just sucked it up when she tried to stab him?

BashfulClam · 15/02/2021 16:41

My grans care home was fantastic. When she got upset due to being confused a carer would sit with her and listen to her ramblings. When she declared she was leaving they said ‘aw c’mon now who will watch the soaps for us and keep us up to date. You’re one of the gang here!’ She also reverted back in her mind and thought she was a nurse again (she loved that job). They let her help them as she was actually brilliant at being a nurse. They had to be careful as she’d answer the phone ‘Hello Nurse x speaking...’ they had to get to it first. She was actually helping to serve lunch to the other residents when she died but in her last moments she was doing a job she loved in her head . She had a major stroke, she passed away in hospital with her family at her side and a nurse who trained under her years ago caring for her. Now my dad was ill with MS and my mum was caring for him full time, my uncle has Parkinson’s and both had no spare room...there was no way to take her in! She didn’t get on with my dad (they despised each other) or my Aunt as she ‘wasn’t good enough’ in my grans eyes for her golden boy.

DuchessHastings · 15/02/2021 16:43

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows my mum is her 80’s frail and in very poor health.[/quote]
@MyDcAreMarvel do you have young children if so you whose supposed to look after them whilst you care for an 80 year old?

Coconutfatfeast · 15/02/2021 17:01

There really isn’t a right or wrong to this. I used to work with an adult social care team and we had cases of awful abuse in care homes, and also cases of abuse and neglect where the older person was looked after by family members who were not coping. My DC will be adults by the time my parents are elderly, but it must be so difficult for those caring for young children at the same time. I can’t imagine anybody would really see their parents living with them as the ideal situation. I am very close to my parents. I am hoping to provide love and emotional support, a degree of practical support and oversight of their care, but I would not want to be doing the hands on caring day to day.

justcannotwithyou · 15/02/2021 17:05

@MyDcAreMarvel

How does she fund her own retirement if she gives up her ability to earn? From the remaining 3/4 of the family income. Her part time wage and her husbands full time wage. And the many decades of full time earning apart from the few short years putting someone else ie her mum before herself.
And what if it's not a few short years? What if it's 10-15 years of putting your life on hold and indeed screwing your own future up? To go down to part time in your 40s or 50s would ruin your own retirement for most. Hell, it would ruin much more than that. How could any parent be happy to ever do that to their child?
pallisers · 15/02/2021 17:19

This is really odd behaviour tbh - she seems really anxious. I am close to your mum's age, OP and I still feel responsible for my late-teens/young adult children and dh and I are both planning what we are going to do next in life - the idea of telling my dd that I will be moving in with her to be minded is bizarre at this age. We are actively planning for our own retirement/longtime needs. If we need residential care, then that is what we will have - not ruining a child's life with our needs.some posters have described having their lives ruined from minding parents. I could not imagine having failed as a parent so badly - blighting my own child's life.

I think you do need to sit down and talk to her seriously about this. She should be looking forward to her life not planning tucking herself into yours as a refuge.

RoSEbuds6 · 15/02/2021 18:07

Yes I agree with @pallisers, your dad was so crap at doing the basics to help your mum after her op, she has panicked and is looking for an escape route. A little OTT but it's horrible to feel vulnerable and let down, so understandable. Do you think she deep down wants to leave your dad?
Obviously you are busy and stressed now, but hopefully when the lockdown stress has lifted you could have a chat with her and see how she feels. Help her see that she still has years ahead of her, and encourage her to make friends and go out a bit more.
You sound like a very nice sensible woman and I'm sure you will sort this out, just don't panic quite yet. See if you can keep her at bay for a bit until you can go out for a walk and speak to her.
Good luck!

Ken1976 · 15/02/2021 18:36

My husband died when he was 58 and I was 54 . My daughter regularly brought up the fact that we should sell both our houses and buy something bigger for us all to live in . It took her three years of nagging for me to agree to it . I said I had to have my own living room , bedroom and bathroom which I got and we've all lived very happily here for ten years .

Thecurtainsofdestiny · 15/02/2021 18:44

Yani. This week, my (young adult) daughter told me that she would clean up after me if I got confused and incontinent.

I told her that I hoped she'd find me appropriate care instead.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 15/02/2021 18:44

Ken1976 - so lovely that it is working out for you.

I would want my own kitchen, too.

OP: to add fuel to your own concerns, a very sad story: My friend's Mum was widowed, and because she lived hundreds of miles away and her Mum was getting older, it was agreed that my friend would extend her house with the proceeds from her Mum's house, and Mum would move in - with some of her own facilities.

Not long after my friend became terminally ill and died.

Her DH is now living with his MIL in the house. It has been OK, but what if he eventually finds a new partner? There is not now money for his MIL to have her own place.

Thecurtainsofdestiny · 15/02/2021 18:45

*yanbu

eaglejulesk · 15/02/2021 18:54

Good for you and I hope you never have to experience a relative being stole from beaten and raped and left in a piss soaked bed. I suggest you Google some articles about care homes in the UK seen as you don't live here.

One woman just before Christmas was extremely ill and you could tell just by looking at her and they wouldnt phone the doctor until Monday and closed the blinds on the relative and walked off it was extremely upsetting to watch.

I have friends in the UK with parents in care, and they are happy with the care provided. There are going to be bad apples everywhere, it doesn't mean we tar all with the same brush and never put people into care homes.

You sound very bitter, and not just on this thread.

JellyNo15 · 15/02/2021 18:59

I understand OP. My parents always said things like, "it is disgusting that so and so is in a care home when they have daughters" That always made me anxious. My parents took my frail grandmother in when she was widowed and it was awful.
My Dad died several months ago and my mum is just about managing but I do her shopping, cleaning etc. I work full time and help with childcare for my grandchildren to help my DC out financially. I am waiting for the day she asks to move in. My DH would refuse and I don't want her to. It would have a very big detrimental effect on my life. I would still look out for her and help often.
I have already had the chat with my DC that I wouldn't expect them to provide care.

HeronLanyon · 15/02/2021 19:04

Good updates in your thinking and plans for chat op. Hope it goes well. She’s not too far from my age. How awful for her to be so anxious when still so young! Grin support.