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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum saying she’s going to live with me

251 replies

Serialcatmum · 14/02/2021 22:52

So when I was a child I honestly believed I would always just stay home/ live with my mum and be happy.

Things changed, I grew up, moved out and got married.

My mum is constantly saying “well you’ve always said I can live with you” whenever she mentions getting old, having operations etc. This comes up pretty regularly, maybe once a month.

I have had serious conversations with her and told her I was a child when I said she could move in with me, I work full time and if she needed care it would need to be carers and I cannot pay my mortgage and be a full time carer. I’ve also told her my husband wouldn’t want that as neither would our young family. I’m not trying to be mean, but each time she says it it makes me feel sick with guilt and anxiety. Just been on FaceTime with her and she said “Darling, that room has got everything stored in there. Where will you put it all when I need that bedroom? Maybe the loft?”

Honestly, I can’t stand it. AIBU .to respond each time with “i love you, sorry you cannot live here but I will of course ensure you had care if needed”

FYI my mum is very young and healthy (she had my young end my brother even younger!!) and lives with my dad. She isn’t ill, disabled or in need of a carer currently.

OP posts:
ThenCatoJumpedOut · 15/02/2021 07:36

She sounds pretty toxic, your mum. She thinks she owns you.

I’d back off a bit (a lot) and have a bit less contact and work your way to as little contact as possible (can you move far away?!)

Coconutfatfeast · 15/02/2021 07:40

Maybe you need to initiate a proper chat with your mum about what support and options are available. She perhaps finds it awkward starting a serious conversation which is ultimately about death and this is her way of doing it.

NotWithMyShoes · 15/02/2021 07:40

Like others, I wondered whether she was joking - but then I saw that about your Dad refusing to help out after her operation and wonder now whether it's genuine anxiety about what would happen to her.

I think this might have a lot to do with it. If your dad really refused to help out with even the basics when she was recovering then I'm not surprised she is concerned. You need a frank discussion, with lots of suggestions and reassurance.
Could they move to somewhere which is one level (bungalow, flat)?
Could they get a roomba or whatever?
Do they have the cash for a cleaner?
Move to a retirement complex?
Can she get to all the places she needs to if she had to stop driving?

What are her thoughts:
Where would your dad go if she moved into your spare room?
Is she so upset at how he treated her that she wants to leave him but doesn't know how to say it or doesn't have a clue how she would manage if she did?
Why does she keep mentioning it?
What is she expecting from your brother?
Does she realise you will be working full time until she is xx age?
Does she just want to move nearer to you?
Is she finding their place hard to cope with r.e. cleaning etc.

TheSunshines · 15/02/2021 07:40

@speakout

heSunshines

I am with you. My only sibling fucked off to Sydney decades ago, drops in every eight years or so for a visit.

Makes you angry doesn't it. You only get one life and this is mine. She was emotional abusive when I was growing up and still is so it makes me even more bitter and I don't know why I expect a little bit of gratitude I know I'll never get it.
WouldBeGood · 15/02/2021 07:40

YANBU. My DF is constantly guilting me on this, but absolutely no way.

Your DM also demonstrates it would be a bad idea by starting telling you about moving your stuff in your house before it’s even an issue!

I’ve made it very clear to my DCs that I will not be expecting to live with them if I become infirm and I would never want them to feel bad about it.

justcannotwithyou · 15/02/2021 07:41

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MoltenLasagne · 15/02/2021 07:42

Has your DM had experience of caring for an elderly relative? She doesn't seem to realise the reality of what she's asking. It's interesting because everyone I know who has done elder care is adamant they won't ask the same of their kids and would rather go in a home.

TrailingLobelias · 15/02/2021 07:42

I worked in care homes and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. People who live in them are very depressed. Some men won't even get out of bed. It wouldn't even occur to me that anyone other than myself will look after my parents in old age.

Zakana · 15/02/2021 07:42

@gutful

If it helps my mother & I have a joke about how she won’t want to live with me when she is old because I will snap & “smother her with a pillow”

Next time she mentions moving in tell her you’ll smother her with a pillow.

Keep at this comment every time she brings it up

It might just do the trick !

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 My daughter and I have a long standing joke along the lines of “Mum, behave yourself, DS and myself get to choose your home” or “Mum, behave yourself otherwise I’ll put you in a home where they’ll beat you”. I wouldn’t mind by I’m only just into my 50s!
speakout · 15/02/2021 07:43

TheSunshines

I understand.
My mother dislikes me- was also abusive and we don;t get along.

TrailingLobelias · 15/02/2021 07:44

Everyone I worked with in the homes wanted to look after their own if possible. Now, rural people don't have that option because their children have to live far away..

We would opt for occasional home care, eg one hour a day because bathing etc can be tricky and the rest done by family.

ItsJackieWeaverBitch · 15/02/2021 07:49

@Serialcatmum

Just to clarify, at no point am saying I am I not willing to HELP care for my mum. I love her, she’s my friend a d I love being with her. But I cannot afford to quit my job until I’m 67... I’d help at weekends and evenings of course!!!

When she had an operation I visited every day and took her to all her appointments as my dad refused to do stuff like hoover or was her hair. I think it’s made her more anxious about the future and what it may look like a s that’s why it’s coming up more.

Maybe I do need to respond in a joke way...

Sounds like she’s anxious maybe? Has she mentioned it to you more often since she had that operation and your dad was an uncaring sack of shit? I don’t know what relationship you have with her but I’d talk to her about it- before she brings it up, and reassure her that she won’t be alone and you will be helping her and that doesn’t have to mean her living with you and your family as that wouldn’t work for any of you but most of all I’d make sure she knows you love her and will take care of her- just not under the same roof.
TheSunshines · 15/02/2021 07:50

Thing is I couldn't bare the thought of her being badly treated in a care home and she's my mum so I have no choice no matter how depressed or bitter I am.

Love51 · 15/02/2021 07:51

@vickibee

Mum is 87 now and had a mild heart attack a couple of week ago, she returned from hospital and my diss has moved in to care for her, apparently she is ok but is scared of being on her own. Diss called yesterday and said I wasn’t pulling my weight, I explained that I had a job and disabled child and couldn’t move in but I am prepared to help. Big row ensues and I feel so bad. Mum refuses external careers so it is really shit. My son needs me more, I cannot be away from home. I think you are prob a long way off this op but you feel so bloody guilty.
Does your sister agree that your mum.has the right to refuse carers?

My only sibling has a child whose disabilities are at the extreme end, will never live independently, very vulnerable, can't be left alone for any length of time. That rightly means elder care will all be on me. I would be really hurt if my parents refused paid carers, because it is saying that it should be all on me. When the time comes I'd not be able to walk away though. I'd appreciate my sibling advocating for me if necessary.

MarmiteyCrumpets · 15/02/2021 07:51

You are absolutely not being at all unreasonable.

Having her in your home all the time against your wishes will make you, your family, and probably her miserable.

For anyone considering this, my advice is to nail down in advance your ground rules and expectations, as well as whatever financial contributions you expect from them.

eaglejulesk · 15/02/2021 07:52

There are some strange posters on this thread! I also don't get the hate for care homes.

My mother always said she wasn't going into care, but neither did she expect me to look after her. I was seriously worried about her, but after she broke her hip she was assessed as needing care. A friend of hers had a quiet word, and it was all plain sailing after that. She lived exactly the same way in the home as she had already been living - but she didn't have to cook, clean, do the laundry etc. She could just do as she pleased and someone else did the work. What's so terrible about that?

My Dad also would never have expected me to care for him (divorced parents, only child scenario) and has bought an apartment attached to a care home.

Admittedly I don't live in the UK, but the care homes in my town all have good reputations, and seem to do a great job. When I'm old and find everyday life a struggle I will be more than happy to move into one.

Takeoutyourhen · 15/02/2021 07:55

What is her marriage like? Her DH wouldn’t hoover or wash her hair following a hospital treatment...maybe she’s been given an insight into the future and is petrified of what life will be like. If her Plan A seems to her to be a poor quality of life she could be looking at you as Plan B more intently.
If her DH doesn’t clean now then he should get accustomed to that now and they should also consider getting support like a cleaner in the future if it means he is less likely to panic if he’s not used to doing things on his own with the added stress of DW being unwell.

cptartapp · 15/02/2021 07:56

kaia if you've been brainwashed by your parents to believe the nonsense about 'duty', then you're the product of despicable and selfish parenting.
No decent elderly parent refuses carers and has adult DC running round after them indefinitely, let alone moves into their house!

PurBal · 15/02/2021 07:57

My mum always says that god awful "a daughters a daughter all of her life saying". She thinks I owe it to look after her because I'm female. My brothers can do what they like. Seems like a similar situation OP. Just keep saying no. You're doing nothing wrong.

TheSunshines · 15/02/2021 08:02

'Admittedly I don't live in the UK, but the care homes in my town all have good reputations, and seem to do a great job.'

Good for you and I hope you never have to experience a relative being stole from beaten and raped and left in a piss soaked bed. I suggest you Google some articles about care homes in the UK seen as you don't live here.
One woman just before Christmas was extremely ill and you could tell just by looking at her and they wouldnt phone the doctor until Monday and closed the blinds on the relative and walked off it was extremely upsetting to watch.

AIMD · 15/02/2021 08:03

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breatheslowandtrust · 15/02/2021 08:03

eagle even the nicest of care homes in the UK are crap, for most people there is a steep decline in their health once they go in. 2 of my GPS were in different homes, the best money could buy and even as a young person I could see they were horrible.
OP I totally get you don't want her to live with you, but I think it was extremely unnecessary and rather nasty to tell her your DH wouldn't want that. She sounds understandably very anxious, I would at least joke along with her rather than just shut her down. Your father sounds quite abusive.

ilovebagpuss · 15/02/2021 08:04

Before people start saying they would never put their relative in a care home etc. Can you afford to give up work ? -good for you
Do you have a mobility bathroom and corridors large enough for a wheelchair? -Good for you
Do you have the money to buy a hoist and a nursing profile bed and the space to put them? -Good for you
Do you have the strength and resilience to change pads 5 times a day wash and clean each time and attend to pressure sores/catheters etc when needed. -jolly good
Will you happily manage the PEG feed and clear blockages when they occur?
I could go on and I’m not saying that some people shouldn’t do this or can’t do this And I am aware of some people going home for the end of life care but for most people just saying “ they are depressed in a home I’ll never let my mum/dad go in one” is beyond short sighted and it’s unkind.
Also for a lot of our loved ones they don’t actually wish to be receiving intimate care from their son/daughter.

TheSunshines · 15/02/2021 08:06

I was also witness to a nurse ignoring this poor woman that needed the toiletand I wasn't allowed to take her but as soon as her daughter turned up the nurse was straight over and couldn't of been nicer.

AIMD · 15/02/2021 08:07

I’m genuinely curious about all the people here who would have the ability to look after an elderly parent in their own home.
My house would not way be suitable, it’s not suitable for my mums needs now and she’s only 67, I have to work to pay bills so no one would be able to care for them in the day or is have to give up work and not pay the mortgage.