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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum saying she’s going to live with me

251 replies

Serialcatmum · 14/02/2021 22:52

So when I was a child I honestly believed I would always just stay home/ live with my mum and be happy.

Things changed, I grew up, moved out and got married.

My mum is constantly saying “well you’ve always said I can live with you” whenever she mentions getting old, having operations etc. This comes up pretty regularly, maybe once a month.

I have had serious conversations with her and told her I was a child when I said she could move in with me, I work full time and if she needed care it would need to be carers and I cannot pay my mortgage and be a full time carer. I’ve also told her my husband wouldn’t want that as neither would our young family. I’m not trying to be mean, but each time she says it it makes me feel sick with guilt and anxiety. Just been on FaceTime with her and she said “Darling, that room has got everything stored in there. Where will you put it all when I need that bedroom? Maybe the loft?”

Honestly, I can’t stand it. AIBU .to respond each time with “i love you, sorry you cannot live here but I will of course ensure you had care if needed”

FYI my mum is very young and healthy (she had my young end my brother even younger!!) and lives with my dad. She isn’t ill, disabled or in need of a carer currently.

OP posts:
AfterSchoolWorry · 15/02/2021 06:33

I think imposing on your children in old age is selfish.

Utterly selfish, I've been very clear with my dc that j will be going into a home when I'm old. Where I live old people's homes are fantastic. The care is outstanding.

Why anyone would want to gatecrash their adult children's homes and lives is beyond me.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 15/02/2021 06:47

The last thing I’d ever want is for my long-grown up dds to look after me, if and when I need care. IMO people who expect their dcs to look after them in old age are frankly very selfish. If you love your dcs you don’t want to be a worry or a burden to them - and I’ve done enough elderly-parent care to know that they can, and very often do, become a worry and a burden. No matter how much you may love them.

SpeakingFranglais · 15/02/2021 06:57

@vickibee

Mum is 87 now and had a mild heart attack a couple of week ago, she returned from hospital and my diss has moved in to care for her, apparently she is ok but is scared of being on her own. Diss called yesterday and said I wasn’t pulling my weight, I explained that I had a job and disabled child and couldn’t move in but I am prepared to help. Big row ensues and I feel so bad. Mum refuses external careers so it is really shit. My son needs me more, I cannot be away from home. I think you are prob a long way off this op but you feel so bloody guilty.
After having been through something similar, only I’m the only sibling of three doing it all, I would strongly recommend carersuk.org if you or your sister need any support. The people on that forum are a wealth of help and knowledge, both social services related, benefits and emotional.

Sorry you’re going through this, it’s shit and very very hard.

speakout · 15/02/2021 06:58

My mother lives with me.
It is not easy.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 15/02/2021 06:58

“Haha no way! Those are my handbags. I’ll put YOU in the loft”.

Your Dad sounds useless.

That could be half the problem.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 15/02/2021 06:59

Just keep saying it.
My mum is now 80. She may need care before she goes. My useless siblings have been clear that it will be my problem. Fortunately she has some money which she inherited from her parents and my dad which she has kept for that purpose plus the house. I had to look after her after she had an operation whilst working fill time plus kids. It just reiterated that it's not for us.
Every penny will go on care. I am not sacrificing my life to enable my siblings to inherit.

Egghead68 · 15/02/2021 07:00

She’s just winding you up.

BrokenCircle · 15/02/2021 07:02

I would say something like “no, Mum, that won’t be happening” every time. I have to say similar things to my parents.

Gilly12345 · 15/02/2021 07:02

Serious conversation needed here, try and get through to your Mum that you have financial responsibilities and a family who are your priority, explain that she has your Dad and couples live together and don’t guilt their kids into being their carers. Is your Mum ok, she definitely doesn’t sound ok?
Explain that you are there for here but living together is not possible and that you also have a sibling or has she forgotten about him?

SpeakingFranglais · 15/02/2021 07:02

How old is your mum OP? She had you young and you have a young family, so is she 50s or 60s?

I’m sure she must be joking, it’s the type of thing I might say in jest to my adult DC, but probably not as often as your mum is doing. I certainly wouldn’t mean it.

After going through similar very recently with my DF with Alzheimer’s I have told mine they can have full POA for my health and put me in care but to be mindful that their inheritance will likely be spent on fees.

That’s the reality.

WanderingMilly · 15/02/2021 07:05

You need to stop feeling guilty and say No. And I say this as a mother in my 60s, I wouldn't dream of foisting myself upon my children.

Say very clearly every time, that you're afraid it isn't going to happen, it wouldn't work. Tell her not to worry about her future as family will help when she gets old but that's NOT going to include her moving in with you. Then start shutting her down when she mentions it again...."You know that's not going to happen Mum, you need to stop saying it now". Just repeat, repeat, repeat.

You do NOT owe your mother anything for deciding to have a child. Yes, she brought you up and you love her, you have already said you will help where you can and I am sure you will. Your first priority isn't to your parents but to your husband and your own family anyway. Please don't be guilt-tripped into something which you don't want, your mother is an adult, not a child, and needs to start thinking through her own future if she's worried about old age.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 15/02/2021 07:08

Vickibee so sorry for your family situation. We had a similar family situation. The agreement now is that whatever practical help any one sibling can give, we all stand together in ‘the plan’, and the ones who canine there are very firm that outside help is necessary. We stood together and told equally intransigent relative that carers could not be avoided and that’s that, and they very quickly got used to them and see it as a good thing. The emotional load of communication with the parent is so hard.

OP; you need your brother in side to communicate with your Mum and your Dad even though he is not the target of the pressure.

TheSunshines · 15/02/2021 07:20

@Kaia20

Just throw her in a nursing home. Just like she threw you in a children’s home when you were little. Who needs moms when we’re grown up now anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️
This ^^

She's had her uses.

RoSEbuds6 · 15/02/2021 07:21

I've read all of your posts so hope I haven't missed anything. It's weird that she keeps going on about this now, as it's obviously not an issue at the moment - is it a joke? Is more going on behind the scenes? It's possible that she's just terrified of going into a home, after all of the Covid deaths that have happened in care homes it's hardly surprising.
Can you just say 'God mum, can you just drop it for a while, if you do need care, brother and I will discuss with you what you want to do'. 'Well you can move in now if you want to give us half of your house and do all of the Ironing/cooking/homeschooling but what about dad?' ha ha.
Or try to have a private word with your dad? Surely you have at least 20 years until this is likely to happen so it seems a bit premature to be planning it now to say the least.

RoSEbuds6 · 15/02/2021 07:23

Well not premature to have a loose plan in place, but premature to be clearing the spare room!

gutful · 15/02/2021 07:23

If it helps my mother & I have a joke about how she won’t want to live with me when she is old because I will snap & “smother her with a pillow”

Next time she mentions moving in tell her you’ll smother her with a pillow.

Keep at this comment every time she brings it up

It might just do the trick !

Seymour5 · 15/02/2021 07:25

@WanderingMilly I'm older than you, and I agree. Neither DH or I would dream of asking one of our children to let us move in. They and their partners all work hard, and look after the DGC. I'm also disgusted by the husband who wouldn't vacuum when his wife came home from hospital. Some men think retirement only applies to them, and women should carry on doing all the chores. Thank the lord my DH isn't one of those.

We don't live near our DC, and whilst we are both ok, we don't plan to move. However, should the time come, moving near one of the DC is the plan. Independent, supported older people's housing is what I'd aim for. Unless someone has real health issues/disabilities, independence is far better for all, IMO.

Marley20 · 15/02/2021 07:26

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Gwegowygwiggs · 15/02/2021 07:26

@Kaia20

Just throw her in a nursing home. Just like she threw you in a children’s home when you were little. Who needs moms when we’re grown up now anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️
What an UTTERLY ridiculous thing to say!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Unbelievable
Whyistheteacold · 15/02/2021 07:27

God your mum sounds just like mine. When I was a child she used to say things like "you'll let me live with you when you're grown up won't you" and "you'll let me be with you when you have a baby won't you". Which I had genuinely forgotten about until I was pregnant last year and she was absolutely devestated that she couldn't be with me while I gave birth because of covid 🙄 thank god I had the perfect excuse!

TheSunshines · 15/02/2021 07:28

@speakout

My mother lives with me. It is not easy.
And this ^^ I've done some pretty gross stuff get no thanks for it infact I get 'your trying to get rid of me' like what the hell for Hmm I get the sulking, arguments the silent treatment work my ass off and I get the worry I can't go anywhere so I'm stuck in day in day out and I get no thanks. My sibling is miles away living his life with his family and yes I'm bitter!!
MajorMujer · 15/02/2021 07:31

As someone who has worked as a live in carer - YANBU at all.

speakout · 15/02/2021 07:32

heSunshines

I am with you. My only sibling fucked off to Sydney decades ago, drops in every eight years or so for a visit.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 15/02/2021 07:32

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PinkyParrot · 15/02/2021 07:36

50 years ago Grandma used to stay with the family - she used to sit in the corner and knit for a few years until she passed peacefully away.

Now Grandma expects to be taken out with you every time you go because, naturally, being house bound is boring. She expects you to sit and chat, to sit and watch tv with her, be on hand in case she needs help to the loo. A trip out for coffee. Help to dress, shower.
This was my poor DM - it wasn't that I didn't like her company but to be her constant carer/companion gave me extreme anxiety and when I moved abroad due to DH's job she went into a home (and was quite happy BTW).
They just don't realise how much they impinge on your life.