Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 ··· 10 11

Original poster

Mum saying she’s going to live with me

251 replies

Serialcatmum · 14/02/2021 22:52

So when I was a child I honestly believed I would always just stay home/ live with my mum and be happy.

Things changed, I grew up, moved out and got married.

My mum is constantly saying “well you’ve always said I can live with you” whenever she mentions getting old, having operations etc. This comes up pretty regularly, maybe once a month.

I have had serious conversations with her and told her I was a child when I said she could move in with me, I work full time and if she needed care it would need to be carers and I cannot pay my mortgage and be a full time carer. I’ve also told her my husband wouldn’t want that as neither would our young family. I’m not trying to be mean, but each time she says it it makes me feel sick with guilt and anxiety. Just been on FaceTime with her and she said “Darling, that room has got everything stored in there. Where will you put it all when I need that bedroom? Maybe the loft?”

Honestly, I can’t stand it. AIBU .to respond each time with “i love you, sorry you cannot live here but I will of course ensure you had care if needed”

FYI my mum is very young and healthy (she had my young end my brother even younger!!) and lives with my dad. She isn’t ill, disabled or in need of a carer currently.

OP posts:

Confusedandshaken · 15/02/2021 08:08

@Kaia20

Just throw her in a nursing home. Just like she threw you in a children’s home when you were little. Who needs moms when we’re grown up now anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

I hate this attitude that a nursing home is some sort of neglectful punishment. My husbands family went to massive lengths to keep MIL in her own home but eventually (on police and medical advice) had to take the decision to put her in a home.

Life in the home has absolutely revitalised her. Her loneliness and unhappiness living on her own had crept up on her and on us so gradually we hadn't noticed how bad it had got. Now, although she still has the dementia and other health issues that made 24 hour care necessary she is happy again. She sings and dances and chats constantly to other residents and the lovely carers. None of it is grounded in reality, she is completely caught up in her memories of the past but now she is happy in that past. She is a true extrovert who gets her energy from being around other people and community life suits her.

My DH and his sisters agonised for years over that decision but now they wish they'd done it sooner.

vickibee · 15/02/2021 08:09

@love51 I am prepared to help with chores and shopping appointments etc but I cannot say overnight.I just can’t
My son has autism and can be left for short periods of time , he is 14 years old. He is suffering from extreme anxiety at the moment and needs me to be there for him
My sister says not to push the career issue because it will cause her stress and she doesn’t want her to have another heart attack. My brother and I believe it is the best option for her. She also refuses to apply for attendance allowance.
I think it is this age group who see it as failing if you have to ask for support.

Sunflowers095 · 15/02/2021 08:09

@TheSunshines

'Admittedly I don't live in the UK, but the care homes in my town all have good reputations, and seem to do a great job.'

Good for you and I hope you never have to experience a relative being stole from beaten and raped and left in a piss soaked bed. I suggest you Google some articles about care homes in the UK seen as you don't live here.
One woman just before Christmas was extremely ill and you could tell just by looking at her and they wouldnt phone the doctor until Monday and closed the blinds on the relative and walked off it was extremely upsetting to watch.

Are you always this hysterical when trying to engage in a discussion?

Are you one of those selfish parents who treat children as property/future careers?

Some people really shouldn't have children, and if you expect anything in return from your kids that's a good indication you might not fully grasp what parenthood means.

TheSunshines · 15/02/2021 08:11

@AIMD

I’m genuinely curious about all the people here who would have the ability to look after an elderly parent in their own home. My house would not way be suitable, it’s not suitable for my mums needs now and she’s only 67, I have to work to pay bills so no one would be able to care for them in the day or is have to give up work and not pay the mortgage.

I had to give up everything to look after my mother and I mean everything.

AngelicInnocent · 15/02/2021 08:11

My DM has told me for years that when the time comes, I have a moral obligation to make sure her carers treat her properly and that is all. Although, she would like it if I baked for her occasionally.

I think she is right and will say the same to my DC.

TheSunshines · 15/02/2021 08:12

Sunflower - I look after MY mom I suggest you read the rest of my posts instead of getting hysterical.

ScrapThatThen · 15/02/2021 08:13

You need to downsize and move somewhere she hates pronto

Meripenopause · 15/02/2021 08:15

When my DD was 2 or 3, she said she wanted to marry daddy. She she's now selfishly refusing to ditch her boyfriend and start looking at wedding venues with my DH.
She also said that daddy should have 2 wives. She's now selfishly saying that she won't move somewhere where polygamy is legal.
Clearly I'm joking, but it extremely unfair of your mother to hold you to something you said as a child.
I'm saying this as someone whose mother had dementia for 12 years. I had her over every other weekend to give my father a break. Having her live with us would have utterly destroyed my life (even without dementia).

GarkandGookin · 15/02/2021 08:16

My very unselfish MIL looked after her Dad for a couple of years. Her marriage, adult children and grandchildren all suffered. She didn't get a full night's sleep while he lived there, not once. It took a lot of planning just to arrange a day out, she couldn't do anything spontaneously. It made her ill and resentful. For the last 6 years he has been in a home. All of his money is used up so no inheritance but she is happier. She is also able to have a relationship with her brother again. The week after her DF moved in with her DB ripped out his downstairs bedroom & bathroom to extend the kitchen so grandad couldn't even visit for the day anymore let alone stay over to give her a break
Looking after elderly relatives is hard and no-one should feel bad if they can't do it.

TheSunshines · 15/02/2021 08:18

The answer to your question sunflower is no I'd never expect my kids to look after me. The posts are about me looking after MY mom not MY children. I suggest before singling someone out because i hit a nerve with you... Read the whole thread.

Lobelia123 · 15/02/2021 08:20

Sounds to me like your healthy, rather selfish mum is setting you up to be her long term retirement care and entertainment plan. Dont take it as a joke, you may be creating expectations that you may find to your horror that she expects you to honour. Tell her no way, its not possible and youd probably drive each other mad!! Rebuff her in a friendly jokey manner if you like, but make it clear this half idea she has forming and is starting to articulate in the hopes that if she says it often enough, it will morph into a fullblown plan, is not going to happen, and that you have not agreed to any such thing. The words of a child in this circumstance really dont count.

Sunflowers095 · 15/02/2021 08:21

@TheSunshines

I did read all of your posts, and you seem to have a strong stance of looking after the DM is the right thing to do. Hence my reply.

But if you can't comprehend that that's ok.

butterpuffed · 15/02/2021 08:21

Lots of people say things in a jokey way when they actually mean it, testing the waters as they're anxious.

In turn it's making you anxious too, OP, you both do need to have a serious chat .

Apart from the non hoovering when your mum was recovering, what is your dad generally like with helping out etc.? And how old is your mum ?

PickAChew · 15/02/2021 08:23

Pah. If it's an upstairs room then it would probably be unsuitable, anyhow, when she can no longer care for herself.

Your dad sounds like an arse, though. How old is he?

poppycat10 · 15/02/2021 08:24

I had to give up everything to look after my mother and I mean everything

You mean you chose to give up everything.

OP the easiest option here is when your children are grown up, you and DP move to a one bed flat and spend the rest of the money on holidays. You mum can't come and live with you then ;) And stop feeling guilty and anxious about something that might never happen.

longwayoff · 15/02/2021 08:24

Are you sure she's serious? Often tease my children by suggesting how much they'd love to accommodate me in their lovely homes eventually. We all know it's not a reasonable proposition for any of us.

TheSunshines · 15/02/2021 08:26

You obviously didn't... if you did you wouldnt be speaking utter drivel about my post. Your reply to it makes no sense. I haven't posted about my children once looking after me my daughter has a condition that she probably won't move out so I'll be looking after her. Think before you speak.

poppycat10 · 15/02/2021 08:26

@TrailingLobelias

I worked in care homes and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. People who live in them are very depressed. Some men won't even get out of bed. It wouldn't even occur to me that anyone other than myself will look after my parents in old age.

If you have worked in a care home, surely you understand more than most that some people just can't be looked after at home? For example, if you need 24 hour care and two people to take you to the toilet?

TwirpingBird · 15/02/2021 08:26

My MIL does this. It's a desperate attempt to gain control of my DHs life again, and be the important one. Stick to a firm 'No'. Be very very firm. Make it very clear every time she says it by responding with 'well you wont really be moving in so that's not something we need to worry about right now' .

SuperHighway · 15/02/2021 08:26

I really don't recognise the nightmarish descriptions of care homes in the UK being trotted out here. I've had a couple of relatives (not parents) in care homes and they've been excellent. DH's aunt has been in one for about 3 years now and is very happy. I don't expect my children to sacrifice their lives for me when I'm older and have told them so. Funny how it's always the females in the family who are expected to take on caring responsibilities.

Whitecup4 · 15/02/2021 08:28

How can she move in with you, doesn’t she have her own mother to look after when she’s older?

Her partner sounds like a arse, whilst she is young she should find someone whose more loyal and loving!

TheSunshines · 15/02/2021 08:31

@poppycat10

I had to give up everything to look after my mother and I mean everything

You mean you chose to give up everything.

No I never chose it I didn't have a choice it was automatically assumed and that's the way it was. I see why I'm getting singled out now thanks for clarification. I'll sleep easy knowing I haven't thrown my mother in a care home.

handsforfeet · 15/02/2021 08:38

Oh goodness the rhetoric about care homes - some are good some not so good.

Most people who couldn't stay in their own home with domiciliary support (and family) couldn't stay with family either unless the family were to provide 24 hour support 7 days a week. That's a huge commitment.

I have patients with a very high level of need living at home with carers visiting four times a day. Those who have moved in with family are probably better supported as family are more flexible to meet their needs, but I would say it always comes at a cost to the carer, who I s in every case I've seen, female (unless it's spouse). Most of them have put their own physical and mental health at risk as it is so stressful being responsible for another persons wellbeing, day and night, day after day. Usually they have put their own life on hold to some degree.

The best situation - very wealthy people who have live in paid care staff. Tell your mum she needs to focus on the few hundred thousand she'll need to pay for that.

timeisnotaline · 15/02/2021 08:44

How shit of your dad. What did you say to him? Something like no one is going to do any caring for you having seen your lack of effort here?
I too would say to your mum really firmly that it’s not happening, but will certainly be round weekends etc, we won’t just leave you to my pathetic dad (if that’s your intention to go around weekends)

fuzzyduck1 · 15/02/2021 08:48

She spent the first part of your life looking after you it’s only right you look after her in the end part of hers. Or are you expecting social care to do that?

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 ··· 10 11