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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be blindfolded?

156 replies

Chocstrawb · 14/02/2021 22:14

NC.

I've spent a nice evening with my OH. We exchanged gifts, had a nice meal and watched a film together. He ran me a bath and lit candles. All very romantic.

Whilst I was in the bath he sent me a text which i read afterwards, he was suggesting he gives me a full body massage using oil with me blindfolded.

I'm not comfortable with that for multiple reasons, I'm self conscious for one thing and just wouldn't relax laid there naked unable to see him/his expression but also because I have a history of trauma that means I don't like feeling vulnerable in that way (I think he has unintentionally failed to consider that)

I thanked him for the offer and said a massage would be nice but I'm not wearing a blindfold because it'll have the opposite effect and I'll not be able to relax.

He's clearly disappointed because the suggestion was for him and not me, now he is notably less upbeat than he has been all afternoon.

AIBU / prudish?

OP posts:
ScienceSensibility · 14/02/2021 22:17

Absolutely not, OP. Your body, your choice.

It’s a shame he has ignored your past trauma in making such a suggestion. Sulking is so unattractive, isn’t it, it shows that the suggestion was for his pleasure, not yours.

Don’t be in the slightest bit guilty about saying no to this or anything you don’t actively want.

Hotzenplotz · 14/02/2021 22:17

If you are uncomfortable with anything like this that your partner suggests, you are in no way unreasonable to say no.

alexdgr8 · 14/02/2021 22:19

sounds like a pervert.
i'd run for the hills.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 14/02/2021 22:19

Anything that makes you uncomfortable can't be considered unreasonable in the slightest.

DuzzyFuck · 14/02/2021 22:20

He's not unreasonable to ask, and you're definitely not unreasonable to say no. Some people blindfolds a turn on, others don't, and both reactions are completely fine.

Giving the benefit of the doubt, perhaps he's subdued because he's realised it was a silly thing to ask if it was likely to make you uncomfortable due to past experiences?

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 14/02/2021 22:21

Your body your choice.

Possibly ask if he’d like to be blindfolded?

Original poster
Chocstrawb · 14/02/2021 22:22

I made myself crystal clear when I told him it won't be enjoyable for me and I'll not be able to relax, he didn't even respond to that.

He's not visibly annoyed but there's definitely a different vibe now if you know what I mean.

We've been together years yet he clearly doesn't know me at all.

This isn't the first time something like this has come up. Slightly different but he bought me sexy underwear last year that exposes my midriff knowing full well I have hang ups about my stomach and wouldn't be seen dead in anything that shows my loose skin and stretch marks (I'd recently had a baby at the time)

OP posts:
ssd · 14/02/2021 22:22

Sounds too set up for me, too mills and boon except the blindfold

FamilyOfAliens · 14/02/2021 22:22

Why blindfold, I wonder?

If you feel relaxed you might close your eyes but having to have them forcibly closed would make me feel the exact opposite of relaxed.

Original poster
Chocstrawb · 14/02/2021 22:24

Being blindfolded would be part of the relaxation apparently. I said I'm not into sensory deprivation.

I'm not frigid by any means and we do have sex often. This is likely him trying to spice things up because it's 'valentines day'

OP posts:
ScienceSensibility · 14/02/2021 22:26

It’s the opposite of ‘sexy’ though isn’t it? So contrived.

You’d think he knew you better than that.

Original poster
Chocstrawb · 14/02/2021 22:26

Exactly Sad

What a crap end to what was a nice evening.

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 14/02/2021 22:26

That's a really snide move. Wtf would he be doing? Taking photos, who would know?

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 14/02/2021 22:27

See I find that very appealing but the point here is that you said no and he needs to totally respect that, certainly not sulk!

Original poster
Chocstrawb · 14/02/2021 22:28

Earlier on he said he had some requests for me, I asked him what it was he was expecting and he said "oh no nothing ridiculous, i'd just like you to let me run you a bath and pour you wine and give you a relaxing evening"

Bull shit.

OP posts:
VinylDetective · 14/02/2021 22:29

@alexdgr8

sounds like a pervert. i'd run for the hills.
Oh give over. It’s pretty vanilla. But nobody should do anything that makes them uncomfortable.
Original poster
Chocstrawb · 14/02/2021 22:29

@KellyJonesLeatherTrousers

See I find that very appealing but the point here is that you said no and he needs to totally respect that, certainly not sulk!
I knew he'd act downtrodden so dreaded raising it but sooner that than go through with something that's only going to set me on edge eh.
OP posts:
ssd · 14/02/2021 22:33

Tbh your relationship doesn't sound great. It all sounds a bit false and strained.

DuzzyFuck · 14/02/2021 22:34

@OhioOhioOhio Oh come on that's a bit of a reach! Suggesting a blindfold during a massage (so the recipient's other senses are heightened) isn't exactly pulling out whips and chains, it's a relatively vanilla aspect of play that a lot of very normal couples would embrace and enjoy.

The OP doesn't though, and it's 100% fine for her to have said no. Her partner should by no means be sulking about it, but making him out to be a raging pervert for suggesting something mildly kinky on valentines day it is a bit of an over-reaction Hmm.

Original poster
Chocstrawb · 14/02/2021 22:36

It's clear to me that the effort he has gone to today was all a build up for this tonight and it has taken the shine off it all to be honest.

The result is I now feel like I've spoiled his night somehow which is ridiculous as logically it's my prerogative to accept or decline what I see fit, but the fact he got his hopes up makes me feel like a let down.

I won't be doing it, I do feel a bit shit though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocstrawb · 14/02/2021 22:37

@ssd

Tbh your relationship doesn't sound great. It all sounds a bit false and strained.
You're probably right.

Things haven't always been great for various reasons.

OP posts:
Inastatus · 14/02/2021 22:37

@alexdgr8 - blimey, you’ve led a sheltered life if you think asking you to wear a blindfold means he’s a pervert! Have you ever seen 9 and a half weeks? That said, I agree that if the OP said no then that’s the end.

SylviaPlath1984 · 14/02/2021 22:38

I find sometimes that men can feel very subtly entitled and sure that their plan can't fail, build it up in their heads and fail to think it through from the other person's perspective... then when they ask (fully expecting to get the green light they've already given themselves) and it's a no.... they sulk like children. It's a strange phenomena.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/02/2021 22:40

Sorry things aren’t great generally, and particularly crap today Flowers

Russellbrandshair · 14/02/2021 22:41

@alexdgr8

sounds like a pervert. i'd run for the hills.
A pervert? Because he suggested something other than missionary with the lights off? Lmao Wow didn’t realise we were in 1930 when showing ones ankle to the chimney sweep was the sign of a Jezebel!

OP - he went wrong to suggest it but you are absolutely not wrong to not do it if you don’t feel comfortable with it and he has no right to be pissy about that EVER. It’s your body and you get to decide where your boundaries lie and any man who doesn’t respect that has no business having sex with anyone.