To not want to be blindfolded?

[Chocstrawb]

NC.

I've spent a nice evening with my OH. We exchanged gifts, had a nice meal and watched a film together. He ran me a bath and lit candles. All very romantic.

Whilst I was in the bath he sent me a text which i read afterwards, he was suggesting he gives me a full body massage using oil with me blindfolded.

I'm not comfortable with that for multiple reasons, I'm self conscious for one thing and just wouldn't relax laid there naked unable to see him/his expression but also because I have a history of trauma that means I don't like feeling vulnerable in that way (I think he has unintentionally failed to consider that)

I thanked him for the offer and said a massage would be nice but I'm not wearing a blindfold because it'll have the opposite effect and I'll not be able to relax.

He's clearly disappointed because the suggestion was for him and not me, now he is notably less upbeat than he has been all afternoon.

AIBU / prudish?

Someone who goes to such an effort with an end game in mind that only he knows about is not to be trusted.

He sounds cold and manipulative and I wonder why he wanted you to wear a blindfold.

Given the behaviour you have described, it was not with your pleasure in mind and my first thought was to take photos or film you secretly.

OH ffs! Only in mumsnet would you hear the words ‘vanilla shaming.’ Utterly ridiculous. What l meant was it’s not particularly out of the ordinary or extreme. Whether you like it or not is entirely up to you and your preferences. There’s many vanilla aspects of live making I’m not comfortable with. My point is that the issues seem to run much deeper than blindfold or no blindfold and that without trust very little will be comfortable in the bedroom or indeed the relationship.

Someone who goes to such an effort with an end game in mind that only he knows about is not to be trusted.

That's along the lines of how I feel about it.

He said to me yesterday morning, via text, that he had some plans and would like me to 'comply' with his ideas so he could make the day as special and romantic as possible for me.

I said yes within reason.

Then when he got home yesterday I asked him what exactly he wanted me to do and he said he didn't want me to do anything, he's just going to run me a nice bath with candles, bath flowers etc and I should take a glass of wine in with me and relax.

I don't even drink really but felt rude not having just the one glass as he'd bought me some.

He then springs the blindfold text on me whilst I'm in the bath.

It's taken the shine off what was a nice evening together and now I feel like the earrings, perfume, flowers etc came with an expectation attatched.

How about you offer to blindfold him and give him a massage? He might enjoy the sensation and then its fun for both you :)

He'd probably enjoy that, back, but it didn't occur at the time. I felt under pressure which made me stressed and killed any desire I had (and I really did want to be intimate initially)

He's asked if I'm ok and I explained that I'm a little upset because of how yesterday ended, that I felt under pressure and uncomfortable and his evident disappointment made it seem like the nice gestures came with a condition attatched.

I echoed what I've said here. He mumbled sorry but I don't know what he's thinking/feeling because he doesn't communicate openly. He might feel silly for suggesting it but then be might be thinking I'm silly for over reacting.

I don't trust him btw, but he's given me plenty of reasons not to

You have bigger issues to address than just his ignoring/disrespecting of sexual boundaries.

You have DC with this person, what is your financial dependency? Have you retained your own income and are you named on tenancies/mortgages?

You may well resolve things but try to ensure you are not trapped by finances, disconnection from friends/family or reduced self confidence.

So he’s a cheat who doesn’t respect your boundaries, sulks when you assert them and doesn’t communicate openly and honestly, who leaves you feeling distrustful, inadequate and under pressure?

I’m sure he must have some good qualities or you wouldn’t have started a family with him, but do they genuinely outweigh his bad points?

Beyond creepy.

We have a shared tenancy, he works full time and me part time.

He does have good points, I'm just not %100 sure which side of him outweighs the other side at this moment in time.

Sex and fulfilling his desires, in my opinion, is the thing that is most important to him above all else.

I've been a loyal partner. I've taken on his DC from his previous relationship and have built a lovely bond with them to the extent that they consider me their step mum (though we're not married) but he still put his sexual urges before my feelings and that of our family unit.

If I could change that one aspect of his personality he would be a pretty good partner, but I can't, so it is what it is.

I need to do some soul searching i think. There are unresolved issues simmering under the surface that come to a head when something like my OP comes up.

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

I've noticed a terrifying trend lately in "vanilla shaming" meaning women who don't want to be blindfolded, choked, whipped, have anal sex etc are seen as boring or prudish. It's total bullshit and just a new dangled way of oppressing women under the guise of sexual liberation.

I don't think the wanting to blindfold you is necessarily a sacking offence, but the sulking most certainly is.

I absolutely agree with this.

So well said.

Your body, your choice. If it’s not erotic for you, he shouldn’t be pushing it.

Honestly chocstrab I don’t usually comment on threads like this, because wiser folk than me do so.
But it sounds like you are trying to please him most of the time.

You were not put on this earth to meet his sexual desires, which sound prolific and complicated (not the blindfold, but the fact that he’s trying to play mind games with you in thinking of stuff that will make you feel uncomfortable).

He wants to be in control. He is gradually working towards that. As others have said, he did not give a flying fuck how pampered you felt yesterday or how much you liked your earrings. He wanted you to feel obligated to carry out his latest fantasy. His plan did not work and he is pissed off. He is hoping he can guilt you into “making it up” to him.

There will always be another fantasy, another plan, with him. It sounds utterly exhausting.

He wants you malleable. He enjoys the fact that you will go ahead with something (oral without a shower first ?) because it’s what he wants. And do he feels in control.

He sounds utterly, completely horrible and you sound nice.

You would feel so liberated and in control, and sure of your boundaries if you just pedalled him.

Trust me.

Keep thinking it through. You will get there. And please don’t have any more DC with him.

I wouldn’t like that. Don’t blame you for saying no. He’s clearly sulking.

Oh and in one of your posts when you said you asked him what he wanted you to do, and he said “I don’t want you to do anything” (am paraphrasing) that’s what I mean about him being enjoying being in control. He knew what he had in mind, and he enjoyed the fact that you didn’t. Doesn’t matter what it was.

@Poorlykitten

OH ffs! Only in mumsnet would you hear the words ‘vanilla shaming.’ Utterly ridiculous. What l meant was it’s not particularly out of the ordinary or extreme. Whether you like it or not is entirely up to you and your preferences. There’s many vanilla aspects of live making I’m not comfortable with. My point is that the issues seem to run much deeper than blindfold or no blindfold and that without trust very little will be comfortable in the bedroom or indeed the relationship.

I agree it's not particularly out of the ordinary or extreme. But I also completely agree that that doesn't really matter if you're uncomfortable or you feel it doesn't fit with your own boundaries. We're all different.

I will also add that I think there's an awful lot of shaming that goes in the opposite direction on here, too, when women dare admit that enjoy a ONS or engage in sexual practises that others find "porny" or "weird". One such example from another thread recently being that a poster compared having a ONS to being a man's "wank sock". I found that distasteful and disrespectful of those who make decisions to engage in what others might consider more liberal sexual practices. So maybe the languages used both ways - regardless of what women's preferences are - should be more respected on here.

*respectful, not respected

[quote DuzzyFuck]@OhioOhioOhio Oh come on that's a bit of a reach! Suggesting a blindfold during a massage (so the recipient's other senses are heightened) isn't exactly pulling out whips and chains, it's a relatively vanilla aspect of play that a lot of very normal couples would embrace and enjoy.

The OP doesn't though, and it's 100% fine for her to have said no. Her partner should by no means be sulking about it, but making him out to be a raging pervert for suggesting something mildly kinky on valentines day it is a bit of an over-reaction .[/quote]
Agree with all of this.

I read something in a women’s magazine years ago suggesting something like this - blindfold man, warm bath, feed him cold white wine and strawberries, spill a bit of the wine on his chest, wrap him in warm towel, all over massage.

But it is completely fine for OP to have said no.

It sounds like the real issue here is that he was unfaithful and you haven't been able to move past that. He broke your trust and that is filtering into all aspects of your relationship and you no longer feel totally comfortable with him.

It is not unreasonable to ask, it is not unreasonable to say no. Sulking about being told no is childish and unfair on you but only part of the bigger issue perhaps in your relationship.

I really sympathise OP. He's been unfaithful in the past and now he's being a sulky sex pest to boot. Makes my stomach turn just thinking about it to be honest. I know you have kids and it's not to be taken lightly, but really, I think I'd have to kick him to the kerb. Sorry.

@Viviennemary

It's a bit pervy IMHO. But folk do get up to all sorts of weird stuff. Still if you're not comfortable it should be a no from you.

It really isn’t “pervy” but that isn’t the issue. I don’t like having my hands held down during sex but it’s not a perversion and millions of women are happy with it. What is the issue is making the other person feel like shit because they don’t do exactly what you want them to.

Then when he got home yesterday I asked him what exactly he wanted me to do and he said he didn't want me to do anything, he's just going to run me a nice bath with candles, bath flowers etc and I should take a glass of wine in with me and relax.

Others might disagree but that is creepy for me, as he'd deliberately planned for you to have had a drink before he sprung his request on you.

You're doing the right thing to split with him if he makes you feel sexually pressured OP. Feeling like that is no way to live.

I think writing your OP has been a revelation for you, tbh, although I guess you’ve just been suppressing this. As an outside observer, it strikes me that that your relationship is in a fair bit of bother. I’d go so far as to say that you’ve been trying to keep him happy at your own expense.

OP,

You sound lovely but you also sound as if you are ignoring your gut.

He's neither a nice, good nor faithful man.
You aren't long together yet he was unfaithful when you were pregnant and HIS sex life is a priority.
You are dead right not to trust him.
He's shown you he is not trustworthy.

Don't waste your life on a mistake.
He has shown you who he is.
Believe him and listen to your gut.

He just isn't good enough for you.

Fucking hell. So many sex pest men in existence.

It's so depressing

I don't know if this is relevant to you, or if the blindfold itself is really the issue any more.... but on a practical note you can buy sexy blindfolds that look normal, but are actually see-through. Ticks the box for someone who likes to see their partner blindfolded, whilst the person wearing it can know and see everything going on. Alternatively if you use a satin tie tied loosely round the eyes, it looks great but you can see absolutely everything through the two big gaps next to your nose. Lots of ways to fake it essentially