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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be blindfolded?

156 replies

Chocstrawb · 14/02/2021 22:14

NC.

I've spent a nice evening with my OH. We exchanged gifts, had a nice meal and watched a film together. He ran me a bath and lit candles. All very romantic.

Whilst I was in the bath he sent me a text which i read afterwards, he was suggesting he gives me a full body massage using oil with me blindfolded.

I'm not comfortable with that for multiple reasons, I'm self conscious for one thing and just wouldn't relax laid there naked unable to see him/his expression but also because I have a history of trauma that means I don't like feeling vulnerable in that way (I think he has unintentionally failed to consider that)

I thanked him for the offer and said a massage would be nice but I'm not wearing a blindfold because it'll have the opposite effect and I'll not be able to relax.

He's clearly disappointed because the suggestion was for him and not me, now he is notably less upbeat than he has been all afternoon.

AIBU / prudish?

OP posts:
ScienceSensibility · 15/02/2021 00:21

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

I've noticed a terrifying trend lately in "vanilla shaming" meaning women who don't want to be blindfolded, choked, whipped, have anal sex etc are seen as boring or prudish. It's total bullshit and just a new dangled way of oppressing women under the guise of sexual liberation.

I don't think the wanting to blindfold you is necessarily a sacking offence, but the sulking most certainly is.

Quite so, well said.

“Oh you clearly are uptight and not as sexy as me. No wonder your husband cheated on you”.
I swear half the time these are Male posters trying to ensure the porn world can be even more normalised for those women who refuse to be treated like an object, a series of holes, fit only to be of service to the mighty penis.... (even when it isn’t that mighty....).

Hannahusky · 15/02/2021 00:22

Not at all. It's your choice and you don't need to do anything you're not comfortable with. Your boundaries need to be respected.

shamalidacdak · 15/02/2021 00:23

Don't feel bad OP. You have trust issues due to his cheating and rightly so. He should respect your boundaries and is deliberately seeing how far he can push you. It's time to re-examine if you can truly be happy with him. And Btw, I think vanilla sex is the best, most comfortable so don't feel shamed by other posters on here who would happily swing from the chandeliers.

Lalliella · 15/02/2021 00:23

@Chocstrawb

If wearing a blindfold is standard vanilla sex for most then perhaps I am boring and inadequate afterall because I don't want to do it.

I don't feel comfortable enough with him to leave myself vulnerable like that.

You are absolutely not boring or inadequate, and you really shouldn’t let him make you feel like that. And you absolutely should have posted, it’s some thing you’re concerned about so it’s perfectly reasonable to ask for opinions. Ignore people on here trying to do you down, they’re the inadequates not you. Don’t do anything in bed you’re not happy about, and don’t let him coerce you into anything.
JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 15/02/2021 00:23

Exactly @ScienceSensibility - having a young daughter, it terrifies me what she will grow up to think a normal healthy sexual relationship looks like Sad

Lalliella · 15/02/2021 00:25

Oh and I wouldn’t wear a blindfold, I’d find it degrading. Some women like to come on here to boast about how daring they are in bed. Sad really.

LouJ85 · 15/02/2021 00:26

@MrsTerryPratchett

It's neither pervey nor vanilla. Both words are designed to make someone feel ashamed about sex.

Any activity behind closed doors with consenting adults that doesn't cause ABH is good. From missionary to being whipped with a cheese grater while listening to yodelling.

Don't tell other people where their boundaries should be.

Agreed.

Although the cheese grater and yodelling thing... not so much. Grin

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/02/2021 00:29

Although the cheese grater and yodelling thing... not so much. Grin

Original poster
Chocstrawb · 15/02/2021 00:29

I honestly believe that if a man is going to cheat he'll do it regardless of how often he's getting it at home or the type of sex he's having with his partner/wife.

At the point of him being unfaithful we were having regular sex, in various positions, foreplay etc. We had conceived q child. He still did it.

It doesn't matter how extravagant somebody is in the bedroom, none of it will stop a cheat from cheating.

Somebody who puts sex above all else is as selfish as sin and won't change no matter whether you wear blindfolds or take it up the arse. Sadly.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 15/02/2021 00:30

I used to hang out with a dominatrix. You'd be stunned. Mainly with how banal and odd the clients were. Bless them. They would do chores around the house and you could tell them to clean things which was a bonus.

Ohthatoldchestnut · 15/02/2021 00:34

@Chocstrawb Everyone has different tolerances, likes and dislikes on the sex scale and no one - least of all your OH - should be judging you for yours.

I don't have the answers but please know that you are more than good enough and deserve love, care and consideration in these things.

WouldstrokeTomHardy · 15/02/2021 00:38

sounds like a pervert.
i'd run for the hills

Biggest overreaction of all time

Nanny0gg · 15/02/2021 00:48

@Salty2020

Why is this even a post? Sorry to sound so blunt and harsh but you just say “I’ll have the massage but no blindfold, thanks” and that’s that. Don’t understand why you need to ask strangers on the internet if you’re being unreasonable to not want to be blindfolded.
Because she wanted/needed to.

Why did you need to respond in the way you did? Did it matter? Did it ruin your evening?

People can post what they like. It's a public forum

SoulofanAggron · 15/02/2021 00:58

He's sexually pushy @Chocstrawb . Not just the blindfold but the oral etc too as you say. And I fear you could be right about the underwear being him trying to recreate something with OW IDK. He certainly wasn't thinking of you and what he knows of your likes and dislikes.

And yes, a cheater will cheat no matter what his partner does- if they're that sexually motivated/pushy then they're always going to like the idea of something more no matter how much their OH jumps through hoops.

He shouldn't be causing an atmosphere because you didn't do what he wanted sexually, either.

I personally wouldn't want to be with this man. And you were perfectly reasonable to post. xxx

Fuckingcrustybread · 15/02/2021 01:15

@Chocstrawb
He's clearly disappointed because the suggestion was for him and not me, now he is notably less upbeat than he has been all afternoon
That makes it clear who is going to benefit from the blindfold, it's not you. You've said No, he doesn't like that. Think again OP

YourWinter · 15/02/2021 01:19

Scrolling through TV channels the other night and Fifty Shades seems to be on a loop again. Has something given your OH the idea that blindfolding you makes him out to be a super lover?

IME it takes only one sulk from a man who didn't get the enthusiastic response he'd hoped for, to mean the likelihood of a sulk - and your tension anticipating it - only ever increases over time. I don't think you can get back whatever evaporated when this happened. Well done for saying no, and not going along with something you knew was not what you wanted to try.

CoRhona · 15/02/2021 02:14

@alexdgr8

sounds like a pervert. i'd run for the hills.
WTF? For suggesting a blindfold?! Hmm
JosephineBaker · 15/02/2021 02:39

Good for you for stating your boundaries and not being emotionally blackmailed into something you’re uncomfortable with. Flowers

If the blindfold is so darned important to him, he can wear it.

In fact, given that you said you’ve previously discussed your boundaries on this, he’s been pretty unreasonable to suggest it when he knows it’s something you’d find distressing.

AnnLouiseB · 15/02/2021 06:02

AIBU is full of cunts tonight. I’ve seen bizarre responses on every single thread.

OP you are not unreasonable at all. There’s no excuse for a man sulking over been denied anything in sex - it’s shitty behaviour on his part and it sounds like it’s part of a pattern of entitlement.

Hailtomyteeth · 15/02/2021 06:20

OP, I've only read your posts, not the responses. I hope you don't feel stupid for posting, no-one should make you feel that.

My first thought, reading of the blindfold, was that he wants to film you without your knowledge.

Then I became concerned, because he wants you to be very vulnerable, lying there naked and sightless, with him in control.

The more I read, the more controlling and less healthy his interest in sex seemed to be.

You are right, cheaters cheat no matter how good their sex lives are at home.

I read a meme the other day which said 'Women don't owe it to men to be pretty', or something like that. I agree. Women also don't owe it to men to be their unquestioning, ever-compliant sex dolls.

Reading all your posts made me feel very uneasy and concerned for you.

Kerantli · 15/02/2021 06:57

In all honesty, I would say leave him. You don't trust him.

As for the blindfold - I have my own limits that DP has to follow (for example, I will allow myself to be blindfolded, but I will not allow my nose and mouth to be covered at the same time - panic attack central last time I tried to wear a mask outside) and he has never sulked over any of my hard limits even though they are interests of his.

Reading through the posts you've put up since your first one, I want to rip him a new one for not respecting your consent, as well as the cheating.
Plus, if you're not happy, your child/children might start to pick up on it.

you do not owe it to him to be his sex toy, or to be "pretty", you are the owner of your body, and you are the one in charge of what goes on or in your body.

Eviebeans · 15/02/2021 07:05

Hi choc hope your day is off to a better start. Read your posts and a lot of the responses. Your posts made me feel sad on your behalf and some of the responses made me angry on your behalf. Those being dismissive about anyone not wanting to participate in anything sexually that they feel uncomfortable with are perpetuating the myth that women need to be sexually available whenever required and in whatever way expected. Decide where your boundaries are and maintain them. I had a very unpleasant feeling about your partner requesting something that he probably knew you wouldn't like or want. He still asked and I suspect this is related to his affair and his view that you would do whatever he asked to keep him from straying. I'm not one to immediately say leave but do think seriously about whether this is functional for you and if you feel that it isn't - well you know what to do Brew

CSIblonde · 15/02/2021 07:43

Have you ever had a discussion about likes & dislikes? You don't seem to be on the same page sexually. I prefer to do that before I get to the sex with new partners, usually via innuendo loaded flirting : either face to face with lots of wine, or , phone sex. It's just easier for both to know upfront. It's not a new partner for you, so you could open a dialogue with "You know, I'm not up for blindfolds, but I would like to ......It could prompt a mutually agreeable way forward.

Original poster
Chocstrawb · 15/02/2021 08:23

Thank you for the replies

We have had several discussions about what is acceptable/unacceptable for me yes. He knows my likes and dislikes and has for years.

Admittedly since he was unfaithful my walls have gone up somewhat and I'm no longer swinging from the chandelier and wanting to experiment with new things, but he gets plenty of sex regardless.

We never really argue as a couple but the main point of contention between us is sex and his expectations.

As I was laid in bed thinking last night I thought we'd probably be better off apart, I wouldn't have the anxiety of sexual expectation and he could find somebody who wants to engage in new and exciting sex with him, because that's what's most important to him imo. It's not quite as straightforward as LTB obviously as we have DC and live together but that's not to say it isn't for the best that I do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocstrawb · 15/02/2021 08:27

He slept on the sofa last night as his snoring was adding to me not being able to sleep. We've said good morning but there's definitely still an atmosphere, from my end as much as his.

Usually he makes me a cup of tea in the morning and hasn't today.

OP posts: