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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be blindfolded?

156 replies

Chocstrawb · 14/02/2021 22:14

NC.

I've spent a nice evening with my OH. We exchanged gifts, had a nice meal and watched a film together. He ran me a bath and lit candles. All very romantic.

Whilst I was in the bath he sent me a text which i read afterwards, he was suggesting he gives me a full body massage using oil with me blindfolded.

I'm not comfortable with that for multiple reasons, I'm self conscious for one thing and just wouldn't relax laid there naked unable to see him/his expression but also because I have a history of trauma that means I don't like feeling vulnerable in that way (I think he has unintentionally failed to consider that)

I thanked him for the offer and said a massage would be nice but I'm not wearing a blindfold because it'll have the opposite effect and I'll not be able to relax.

He's clearly disappointed because the suggestion was for him and not me, now he is notably less upbeat than he has been all afternoon.

AIBU / prudish?

OP posts:
ItsJackieWeaverBitch · 14/02/2021 23:21

It’s totally acceptable to speak up when you don’t want to do something sexual- it’s your body.

FWIW I’d hate this too. I don’t like being restrained in any way and for me, that includes being blindfolded. I guess it’s a control thing.

Pink98 · 14/02/2021 23:21

Would you feel comfortable with handcuffs ? I’m sure google shows how to make makeshift ones if you fancy surprising him

Alternatively could you blindfold him ?

Of course, if you feel uncomfortable with both of those that is also perfectly normal and he should respect that 100%

PeggyHill · 14/02/2021 23:29

I don't think there's anything wrong with him suggesting it, but once you said no and explained why that should have been the end of it. Him being sulky and ruining your evening over it is not on at all

Original poster
Chocstrawb · 14/02/2021 23:36

I don't think he took my "no" as an indication that I don't trust him, knowing him as well as I do - that wouldn't have even crossed his mind.

I don't trust him btw, but he's given me plenty of reasons not to.

It has spoilt my evening big time and I'm a little upset/anxious now.

OP posts:
thosetalesofunexpected · 14/02/2021 23:38

@Chocstrawb

There's others ways to spice up your relantship .

If he knows how you feel about the idea feeling vunerable , being blindfold and also ways that could potentially feel vulnerable.

Why on earth did he mention/hint about this?

Its your body do not feel/accept doing anything sexually that you do not feel Cormfortable about op.

How is the rest of your relantship op?
Do you feel happy in other aspects of your relantship with him then?

Does he make feel uncomfortable in any other areas in your life op?

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/02/2021 23:39

I don't trust him btw, but he's given me plenty of reasons not to.

Sad
Beforethetakingoftoastandtea · 14/02/2021 23:45

Can you leave him? Or could you build up to that? He honestly sounds like selfish.

I once dated a guy and we had booked a hotel room. I got there first and hungry, ordered food from the hotel bar, and was eating it when he arrived almost an hour later. He was annoyed i wasnt waiting for him in my underwear in the room. He actually said ‘thats another fantasy ruined.’ And was sulky for a bit. The night away wasnt about me, or even us. I was just a prop in his fantasy.

Salty2020 · 14/02/2021 23:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Chocstrawb · 14/02/2021 23:49

He has been unfaithful in the past, a cpl of years ago, which we've tried to work through but the scars run deep, so to speak.

On the surface he appears to have gone above and beyond to make things right but I guess some things can't be fixed and things like this just bring it all back. Everything seems fine until something like this triggers me.

I can't fully relax and let myself go with him anymore, whereas once upon a time I probably would have felt secure enough to try the blindfold thing, irrespective of my own personal trauma.

When he comes up with these things such as a certain type of underwear he knows I wouldn't feel comfortable in or the blindfold.. a part of me thinks he's trying to recreate what he had with the OW.

That contributes to my self esteem plummeting and makes me feel inferior / boring / like I'm not good enough.

Sorry for the drip feed. I had no intention of bringing that up but I'm laid here feeling like shit whilst he snores oblivious.

What I really needed tonight was just an early night with no pressure or expectations.

I have to be up early too as my little one has an appointment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocstrawb · 14/02/2021 23:51

@Salty2020

Why is this even a post? Sorry to sound so blunt and harsh but you just say “I’ll have the massage but no blindfold, thanks” and that’s that. Don’t understand why you need to ask strangers on the internet if you’re being unreasonable to not want to be blindfolded.
Because his reaction to me not wanting to do it implied that I was being unreasonable/a disappointment.
OP posts:
Viviennemary · 14/02/2021 23:51

It's a bit pervy IMHO. But folk do get up to all sorts of weird stuff. Still if you're not comfortable it should be a no from you.

Original poster
Chocstrawb · 14/02/2021 23:52

I feel stupid for posting now Sad

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 14/02/2021 23:54

@Chocstrawb

I feel stupid for posting now Sad
Please ignore the minimisers. This place gets a little misogynisty at night sometimes.

You're allowed boundaries, you're allowed to ask on here, you're allowed to post and they can respond to another thread if they want.

ItsJackieWeaverBitch · 14/02/2021 23:57

@Salty2020

Why is this even a post? Sorry to sound so blunt and harsh but you just say “I’ll have the massage but no blindfold, thanks” and that’s that. Don’t understand why you need to ask strangers on the internet if you’re being unreasonable to not want to be blindfolded.
You’ve clearly never been in a relationship with an arsehole who twists things around to make you feel bad about things you shouldn’t have to feel bad about Hmm

I’m sorry you’ve had a crappy evening OP. I don’t know what the answer is but in my experience staying with someone you don’t trust is a miserable existence.

Poorlykitten · 15/02/2021 00:00

It’s hardly ‘Pervy’...it’s pretty vanilla as it goes but it does sound like you have bigger issues than just the blindfold issue. 😔

Fiona2020 · 15/02/2021 00:05

@alexdgr8

sounds like a pervert. i'd run for the hills.
@alexdgr8 for wanting to use a blindfold ?!! That’s standard sex?!
Original poster
Chocstrawb · 15/02/2021 00:05

Thanks those of you who don't think I'm being dramatic, it's true the scenario in my OP is just a symptom of a much bigger picture.

I've been made to feel like I'm not good enough, I don't think that's intentional on his part moreso collateral as a result of him just not considering me at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocstrawb · 15/02/2021 00:07

If wearing a blindfold is standard vanilla sex for most then perhaps I am boring and inadequate afterall because I don't want to do it.

I don't feel comfortable enough with him to leave myself vulnerable like that.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 15/02/2021 00:11

It's neither pervey nor vanilla. Both words are designed to make someone feel ashamed about sex.

Any activity behind closed doors with consenting adults that doesn't cause ABH is good. From missionary to being whipped with a cheese grater while listening to yodelling.

Don't tell other people where their boundaries should be.

Pink98 · 15/02/2021 00:13

@Chocstrawb

If wearing a blindfold is standard vanilla sex for most then perhaps I am boring and inadequate afterall because I don't want to do it.

I don't feel comfortable enough with him to leave myself vulnerable like that.

There is no standard vanilla sex, we are all animals on a rock flying through space who have sex to procreate. Everything else is societal and has been added in. It’s all man made and therefor won’t suit everyone. Don’t let people make you feel bad for not wanting to do a specific sexual thing, there is nothing wrong with that whatsoever
Original poster
Chocstrawb · 15/02/2021 00:13

@MrsTerryPratchett

It's neither pervey nor vanilla. Both words are designed to make someone feel ashamed about sex.

Any activity behind closed doors with consenting adults that doesn't cause ABH is good. From missionary to being whipped with a cheese grater while listening to yodelling.

Don't tell other people where their boundaries should be.

You've raised a smile, thank you x
OP posts:
Original poster
Chocstrawb · 15/02/2021 00:14

There is no standard vanilla sex, we are all animals on a rock flying through space who have sex to procreate. Everything else is societal and has been added in. It’s all man made and therefor won’t suit everyone. Don’t let people make you feel bad for not wanting to do a specific sexual thing, there is nothing wrong with that whatsoever

Very well put, pink, thank you x

OP posts:
JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 15/02/2021 00:17

I've noticed a terrifying trend lately in "vanilla shaming" meaning women who don't want to be blindfolded, choked, whipped, have anal sex etc are seen as boring or prudish. It's total bullshit and just a new dangled way of oppressing women under the guise of sexual liberation.

I don't think the wanting to blindfold you is necessarily a sacking offence, but the sulking most certainly is.

ScienceSensibility · 15/02/2021 00:17

@Salty2020

Why is this even a post? Sorry to sound so blunt and harsh but you just say “I’ll have the massage but no blindfold, thanks” and that’s that. Don’t understand why you need to ask strangers on the internet if you’re being unreasonable to not want to be blindfolded.
If this is so beneath your interest level why have you read it and then posted on the thread yourself?

Do you imagine every scenario in other people’s lives is a replica of your own?

Your snark has no doubt contributed to the OP feeling “stupid” for posting, and she shouldn’t.
OP you are right to seek support here, just like every other member. It’s not too much to ask, and I would advise you to ignore those posters who are trying to minimise your lived experience.

Keep posting if it is helping you. 💐

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 15/02/2021 00:18

*fangled