To not want to be blindfolded?

[Chocstrawb]

NC.

I've spent a nice evening with my OH. We exchanged gifts, had a nice meal and watched a film together. He ran me a bath and lit candles. All very romantic.

Whilst I was in the bath he sent me a text which i read afterwards, he was suggesting he gives me a full body massage using oil with me blindfolded.

I'm not comfortable with that for multiple reasons, I'm self conscious for one thing and just wouldn't relax laid there naked unable to see him/his expression but also because I have a history of trauma that means I don't like feeling vulnerable in that way (I think he has unintentionally failed to consider that)

I thanked him for the offer and said a massage would be nice but I'm not wearing a blindfold because it'll have the opposite effect and I'll not be able to relax.

He's clearly disappointed because the suggestion was for him and not me, now he is notably less upbeat than he has been all afternoon.

AIBU / prudish?

Thanks for the replies all, alot of you are spot on.

He's still in a weird mood today, quiet and subdued / not speaking unless I ask him something specifically.

He won't have a sit down conversation about it because he doesn't communicateso it's all guess work on my part, I assume he thinks I spoiled valentines day or something.

I can't stand this atmosphere.

@JovialNickname

I don't know if this is relevant to you, or if the blindfold itself is really the issue any more.... but on a practical note you can buy sexy blindfolds that look normal, but are actually see-through. Ticks the box for someone who likes to see their partner blindfolded, whilst the person wearing it can know and see everything going on. Alternatively if you use a satin tie tied loosely round the eyes, it looks great but you can see absolutely everything through the two big gaps next to your nose. Lots of ways to fake it essentially

Which wont be good enough for the partner who’s objective is to actually make their partner feel vulnerable.

@Chocstrawb

Thanks for the replies all, alot of you are spot on.

He's still in a weird mood today, quiet and subdued / not speaking unless I ask him something specifically.

He won't have a sit down conversation about it because he doesn't communicateso it's all guess work on my part, I assume he thinks I spoiled valentines day or something.

I can't stand this atmosphere.

What keeps you in this relationship?

I don't normally comment but for what it's worth, you don't appear to be the centre of his world.

He sounds a little preoccupied with his own needs and if he were more invested he'd understand that his suggestion was a trigger. In a devoted relationship he'd be bending over himself to make amends, there certainly wouldn't be an atmosphere.

Your dynamic isn't right, something is off. Don't settle for less, he isn't devoted to you.

What keeps you in this relationship?

Familiarity to an extent.

Our DC, we had a break after he cheated and the effect on DC was heartbreaking and very hard to see. He developed severe separation anxiety as a result.

His older DC see me as a step mother and I love them to bits, they've already had one broken home and a part of me doesn't want them to go through it again.

Our home, it's in both names.

Our finances are joined.

There are many reasons that when combined make it difficult to just split up, but that's not to say I don't think it would be the best thing to do in the long term.

Look at the things you can have an impact on.

Prepare your dc for the change. Get professional advice.
Get your finances in order and make sure you know everything.
Speak to a solicitor.

His DC are for him and his ex to worry about. Dont take on more, if you are worried about taking on what you need to do.

The thing is it’s not really about the blindfold. That was just the start. He clearly had some fantasy going on about what came next and what he was going to do. That doesn’t mean it was bad, he potentially thought you’d love it. The use of the word “comply” indicates a dominance thing though.

So for him what he was fantasising about and was planning didn’t happen. Which will lead to other thoughts on why not. Plus being surly it seems for not getting to carry out what he thought was an excellent plan.

His lack of communication is also a big issue, texting you in thr bath was an odd way to handle this. It means he was scared to ask you to your face. He thought he’d try to relax you first. Get you in a good mood and thinking of him favourably. To be fair it’s a bit creepy.

The two of you need to talk. Because the communication issue here is the biggest one.

So he created his fantasy without a thought of you in mind and when you expressed clearly why you could see this scenario wasn't about mutual pleasure or included you at all, he's having a massive manipulative sulk? I'd just be really straight with him. Lay it out exactly and take no notice of his bullshit, its not your fault.

In previous relationships I had something similar to you. It was awful being confronted with past trauma and being pushed on something despite you previously telling them certain triggers- so having to then go through it all to explain again, like a big bucket of traumatic cold water when you really wanted to avoid it and continue the eve with things you're comfortable with. Why couldn't they just accept I wasn't into it and move on at the first mention i wasn't into it? It was all about them and their needs thats why. And then they felt guilty and crap after but can't handle it so take it out on you and then you feel guilty.

Had an ex who every time we were intimate, did something I didn't like. I'd tell him to stop. He'd stop. Next time- same again. Rinse repeat. We stopped having sex. He now says I traumatised him for not having sex with him enough... And people say he's one of the good ones! It needs to be called out for what it is.

Am a survivor myself, current partner and I do put ourselves in vulnerable situations sexually but only because I completely trust him and if I'm not completely comfortable with something or he isn't we stop immediately, move on to something else or talk it through and support eachother.

The trust is gone in your relationship and its very understandable why. Hes coming across all about his needs and his expectations. Also the silent OW hanging over your heads which is trust shattering and adds a layer of feeling inadequate (you're not, he failed). Pressures like that can silently erode a person, consider either really going through this deeply with him if he's able to listen (via counselling potentially) or consider leaving him to protect yourself. Being alone and safe feels much better than being on guard and bracing for manipulative attacks. You sound lovely, stay strong x

I'm really sorry you went through that, whatis.

Communication just isn't possible with him, he seems incapable. I've just tried.

I said to him that this atmosphere is giving me anxiety and I'd much prefer he just spoke his mind and we can discuss and move past it as he's been this way since v day night. He defiantly said there's nothing wrong and resorted back to using his phone in silence.

It's crazy making.

I suffer quite badly with PMS and this is my bad week so I doubt my judgement and question myself as to whether I'm imagining the stale atmosphere, but I know I'm not.

So...

He gets to cheat and be forgiven
He gets to put pressure on you sexually - even though even after cheating he 'still gets plenty of sex'
He gets to sulk and stonewall and it's smoothed over

You in return:
Forgive
Home-make
Take on his children
Continue to be sexually available

and it's still not enough.

This situation tells me two things. Firstly, your posts are FILLED with sadness. You don't love him. That's clear, and it's clear why - he's a sulky cheat who is incapable of truly caring for you. His idea of love and care is basically all about sex for him - right?

The fact that this situation has even arisen is astonishing, really. He fucking cheated on you. He should have been bending over backwards to make it ok for you to want his grubby hands anywhere near you. But it's you doing cartwheels to continue to service him so he doesn't look elsewhere again, and even then when you reach your limit you're the one upset about it and he has the GALL to sulk.

Secondly. He will cheat again. That is an absolute given. I think you know that. He cheated because he is an entitled fuckwit that 100% believes that he's owed sex, has absolutely no ability to reflect on what his cheating has changed in you, and doesn't do compromise. He will cheat again at some point because this will continue - him pushing you sexually and you just getting more miserable and him resenting you for it because he genuinely does not get how lucky he is. In his head, it's done and dusted so let's go back to the good old missus puts out, man sticks it in, please.

You may have joined finances but you only rent. You can split. You absolutely should. Your DC will only be more devastated next time you catch him out.

Oh and yes to the dominance thing too. That in itself also points to him cheating in the future. It's pretty clear that he wants more along the lines of this kind of sex, you absolutely don't. So eventually - after more situations like this - he'll cheat or go to an escort or get more buried in porn.

Because, as you know, he certainly won't be up for the adult approach of talking about what you want and why, how that fits the other person's desires, how his cheating may have affected your trust, and what to do about it, will he?

@YoniAndGuy

So...

He gets to cheat and be forgiven
He gets to put pressure on you sexually - even though even after cheating he 'still gets plenty of sex'
He gets to sulk and stonewall and it's smoothed over

You in return:
Forgive
Home-make
Take on his children
Continue to be sexually available

and it's still not enough.

This situation tells me two things. Firstly, your posts are FILLED with sadness. You don't love him. That's clear, and it's clear why - he's a sulky cheat who is incapable of truly caring for you. His idea of love and care is basically all about sex for him - right?

The fact that this situation has even arisen is astonishing, really. He fucking cheated on you. He should have been bending over backwards to make it ok for you to want his grubby hands anywhere near you. But it's you doing cartwheels to continue to service him so he doesn't look elsewhere again, and even then when you reach your limit you're the one upset about it and he has the GALL to sulk.

Secondly. He will cheat again. That is an absolute given. I think you know that. He cheated because he is an entitled fuckwit that 100% believes that he's owed sex, has absolutely no ability to reflect on what his cheating has changed in you, and doesn't do compromise. He will cheat again at some point because this will continue - him pushing you sexually and you just getting more miserable and him resenting you for it because he genuinely does not get how lucky he is. In his head, it's done and dusted so let's go back to the good old missus puts out, man sticks it in, please.

You may have joined finances but you only rent. You can split. You absolutely should. Your DC will only be more devastated next time you catch him out.

I can't disagree with a single thing you've said, you are bang on the money.

For me, looking at it in the way you've laid it out just makes me angry at him and I should be really shouldn't I.

The audacity of him to act hard done by because I assert a boundary is shocking.

Yesterday morning I was visibly upset and I told him why that was, I explained it exactly the same way I have here, he mumbled a faux sorry and then spent the rest of the day acting subdued and grumpy.

I asked him to help me sand down a large piece of furniture and he couldn't have acted more inconvenienced, he came and helped but put his headphones in so we couldn't talk as we worked. Can you get any more passive aggressive?

I haven't done anything wrong.

There can only be 2 reasons for his sulking, one being that I ruined his fantasy for Valentine's day and the second is probably because I had the gall to mention his infidelity when I said "a part of me thinks you are trying to recreate something you've done with the OW, because you know me better than to think I would want to do that"

Fuck him.

@Chocstrawb

He has been unfaithful in the past, a cpl of years ago, which we've tried to work through but the scars run deep, so to speak.

On the surface he appears to have gone above and beyond to make things right but I guess some things can't be fixed and things like this just bring it all back. Everything seems fine until something like this triggers me.

I can't fully relax and let myself go with him anymore, whereas once upon a time I probably would have felt secure enough to try the blindfold thing, irrespective of my own personal trauma.

When he comes up with these things such as a certain type of underwear he knows I wouldn't feel comfortable in or the blindfold.. a part of me thinks he's trying to recreate what he had with the OW.

That contributes to my self esteem plummeting and makes me feel inferior / boring / like I'm not good enough.

Sorry for the drip feed. I had no intention of bringing that up but I'm laid here feeling like shit whilst he snores oblivious.

What I really needed tonight was just an early night with no pressure or expectations.

I have to be up early too as my little one has an appointment.

Can you just talk to him, said what you said here?

If you can't be honest with each other what's the point?

I have tried to talk to him, I said exactly the same as I said here.

He doesn't communicate. He seems unable to / doesn't like to.

Sorry, yes you did.

He should be trying his best to reassure you and be open and happy to talk things through.

He sounds a bit...
I cheated
I said sorry
Why isn't everything OK now?

@YoniAndGuy

Absolutely correct.

This is who he is.

The question is, do you really want this to be YOUR life?

He's awful.

His children's happiness is his responsibility NOT yours.

Stop taking on responsibility that clearly isn't yours.

Your responsibility is to live a good life in a good situation with your son.

You most certainly don't have that now.

This will only get worse.

Bravery is what you need now.

You can do it.
Get organised.

That bit about about him putting headphones in while he was sanding furniture with you made me curl my lip. I hate him on your behalf. Everything you say about him is pissing me off. You deserve so much better than this sex obsessed dick.

This is how terrible he is at communicating.

He waited until he was at work to text me apologising and said the reason he has been quiet is because he's mad at himself for spoiling valentines day by coming up with the blindfold thing. He said he intended it to be a sensual thing, nothing kinky.

He went on to say he's upset with himself for not realising I'd be uncomfortable with it because he should have done.

When he got in I told him it's not suggesting the blindfold that spoilt the day for me but his reaction afterwards.

He insists it was guilt/shame on his part and not him being pissed off with me for anything.

I asked why he waited two days to say that and why he couldn't have said it in the first place rather than making me stew for two days feeling on edge because I could tell the atmosphere was bad. He said it's 'hard' to say those things in person.

The headphones in was because he was feeling guilty/shameful?
Bullcrap.
And you know that OP. Like another poster said, your posts are filled with sadness and I'm sad for you after reading them!

You must be feeling so sad and angry at the same time right now. Look how much you are doing for him and he can't even talk to you like a grown up!

I agree, Silence.

It's shit.

I've asked him numerous times over the past two days what the matter was and he has insisted he's fine.

I actually started to second guess myself last night and question whether I was misjudging the atmosphere.

His apparent embarrassment doesn't trump me being able to relax in my home, and I cannot relax when he's acting like that.

He's an absolute child.

His justification is that he's upset, so he's punishing you further with silence.

and it's a no.... they sulk like children. It's a strange phenomena

It’s called being human. I’m disappointed for a while when I build something up and get knocked back as well. Does it make me a “child”? I guess so on MN...

Nonetheless, OP needs to figure out step one in leaving this guy. Doesn’t trust him, isn’t comfortable with him, he’s cheated on her.. this is unsalvagable and it’s time to make baby steps towards the exit.

If you sulk without communicating like an adult, yes it does make you a child.

It's called stonewalling. It's not MN thing, it's real thing.

Nah. You know what it was. It was sulking. He's rewriting and its taken him this long to come up with a rubbish excuse.

Can you imagine if he was actually filled with shame and guilt for something? Surely he'd be apologising profusely and often the moment he realised he'd messed up?

"I'm not angry at you, I'm angry at myself" is just a way to get you to reassure and console him.

and it's a no.... they sulk like children. It's a strange phenomena

It’s called being human. I’m disappointed for a while when I build something up and get knocked back as well. Does it make me a “child”? I guess so on MN

@adventurealice Everyone's allowed to feel disappointment or whatever. The problem with men who think they're entitled to sex acts whether their partner wants them or not is that they act out their disappointment into an atmosphere, and it's not just disappointment it's anger, because their partner didn't do what they wanted, and their wants should trump a woman's in their mind. It's repulsive.