To expect child maintenance?

[greysa]

Posting here for traffic.

Currently pregnant, not in a relationship with the father nor were we ever in a relationship. We have the benefit of not having split up or holding any sort of bitterness or resentment that that may have caused. We are friends and he is excited about becoming a dad for the first time. His parents are equally excited and have bought lots for the baby already.

Obviously we don’t live together, but he is adamant that he wants to be as involved as he can be. I have a good job but their maternity policy is rubbish so I will only be getting SMP for my mat leave, and I am anticipating struggling financially to begin with. I’ll probably only be able to return to work part time too, and I assume he will continue to work full time so shared 50/50 custody won’t be feasible.

I’m worried that by bringing up the topic of him paying child maintenance, that he’ll be offended and think I’m implying that he won’t do his fair share if that makes sense. I don’t want him or his family to think I’m being grabby, but I also need to try and plan for how I’m going to manage on my own, at least for the first 6-12 months.

AIBU to expect child maintenance payments to begin with on the basis that he won’t have baby overnight etc and I’ll be doing the majority of the care? I was thinking it could then be reviewed based on how often he has her overnight etc, and how much the parenting is really shared. It’s hard to gauge it at the moment before it actually happens as I’m not 100% sure what will happen with my work, and his. Never thought I’d be in this situation so have absolutely no idea what’s normal or reasonable, and he and his family really have been lovely and supportive and I don’t want to rock the boat if it turns out I am being unreasonable!

@JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority I absolutely would like to be friends with him, I’m not denying that. I want a coparenting relationship where we don’t have ill feelings towards each other. I know it’s not likely to happen, and I am taking a step back from always being the one to initiate any conversation or plans. Zero romantic feelings for him however, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t holding out hope that we can have a civil coparenting relationship. I don’t mean to sound so frustrating or naive, and I do appreciate all of the advice. I am trying to be realistic whilst also not completely shutting the door on the idea that he may step up and prove us all wrong.

I don't think you're wrong to add up what you've bought for the baby so far, plus the cost of the cot and ask him for half on payday.

And I wouldn't worry about contacting him either. If he's going to fuck off, he'll do it regardless. You're pregnant, if it helps you to contact the father regularly then do it- you already know his personality is the type not to chase, so it sounds like you're already aware that you are likely to be the organiser.

Have it in your head that he could potentially do one, put you and the baby first when it comes to money- so yes, do chase for it now-, and make sure you are not being a doormat because you're a nice person.

I would also keep on pushing for a meeting about finances. Are you open to 50/50 residency in years to come? Can you frame the conversation as money for the first year after birth, with a plan to working towards that later, with each person being responsible for childcare on their days? Another important one to sort early is childcare. When/ if he knows the basics, leave him to it. Go for a bath, lay and read a book, let him raise the baby too as much as you can. The last thing you need is a visitor who expects you to do the drudge work on his time.

@KnobJockey

I don't think you're wrong to add up what you've bought for the baby so far, plus the cost of the cot and ask him for half on payday.

Absolutely agree... he has insisted on Halfs for everything right...

so add it all up.. send photo's and send the request for half the costs

lets see how serious he truly is...

What happens if he goes for 50/50 custody right off the bat in response?

My daughter's sister in law wasn't married and had a baby. At first the father told her he would contribute to the baby. A few months later he met someone else and the two of them thought he was paying too much which was $150.00 US and £ 105.69 British convertion. Just formula and diaper alone are high. I would get something in writing.

@EachDubh

U less breast feeding babies can be overnight with another parent before 1 or 2. Plenty of single nightshift workers children are happy, well balanced and stay with other parent over night for half the time. Sort out custody early because financial contributions will be influenced by that. All the best with your pregnancy, take care.

Yes, but that’s in the same house. I have no experience of this. But every thread on the subject of overnights, posters state courts won’t grant overnight visitation to babies.

@renallychallenged

Of course he should pay. You can't raise a child on enthusiasm and good will. You need cold hard cash out of his monthly wages for the next 18 years and he needs to realise that now.

I think you should sit down with him and and have thorough discussion about expectations and plans. Write down what you agree and agree to meet every couple of months to review. That way the communication is clear and you both know where you stand.

Do you know how much he earns? If so then go on the CSA website and there is a calculator to show how much maintainence would be due. That's a starting point for your discussions.

👍. Financially you need to look at your future income Tread carefully and claim for what you are entitled to, no agreeing unless you know it IS what you are entitled too. Be strong it's your future and your babies. Make sure you receive your actual entitlement not keeping someone else happy Your choices and finances are always debatable when you become a parent. I have to keep my earnings quiet because people do not like you to be seen to be ok financially as a single parent

Just claim via the CMS. ‘Nice’ guys have a habit of turning not that nice once they have to put their hand in their pocket. You can make the claim as soon as you’ve started receiving child benefit. Don’t worry about offending him, he had his jollies so now he can man up and pay up.

@greysa the last thing you’ll want to be doing is sorting finances when you have a newborn baby and are completely exhausted from no sleep. Tell him that!!!! It needs sorting now, you need as little stress as possible towards the end of your pregnancy and once baby is here. Explain how you are feeling and why so he doesn’t feel like he’s being bossed around.

Also if you have 10k in debt, I would rethink spending £200 on a next to me crib. Think about your babies future, that money could be much better spent. You can get one on eBay second hand and a new mattress for it for £40.

@Sapho47

What happens if he goes for 50/50 custody right off the bat in response?

Well then he won't get it. Whether OP is nursing or not, no court will give 50/50 of an infant and take the baby away from the primary carer.

Your question goes to the idea that custody is a pay per view arrangement. This guy will have to learn that isn't how it works.

I don't think you sound naive. What you want may well happen. I think many men are like this, not all but many. Added in is the fact that you can't bring this stuff naturally like you would do if you were a couple.
I think being armed with the process you need to follow to get maintenance at the correct amount and time is info you have to have. If he is "scared away" by a simple discussion about money then he was going to be scared away by something sooner or later. He sounds clueless and he needs to get himself clued up. Utterly agree to not involving hid parents about money. They sound sensible and if he confides in them about it, they may well tell him that it's his job to pay for his child.
Keep going, it sounds like you are getting a plan together. And you are right about part time. I looked into this with DD, who is pregnant and she will have higher net take home doing 3 days a week than 5. As a woman who worked full time with 3 (no stare support) I heartily agree with her plan.

@Sapho47

What happens if he goes for 50/50 custody right off the bat in response?

He won’t get it. Courts don’t award 50/50 for breastfed babies. And it takes months to get to court hearing anyway. She will only have to show she’s tried to accommodate appropriate contact.

OP You've had some very sensible advice and you sound sensible too. It's a lot to be thinking about and we're sold the idea of pregnancy as some kind of fantasy time whe it's often not.

New motherhood can also be like that - but at least then you have your gorgeous baby to hold!

You're planning on this man moving in for a few weeks after the birth. I don't think this is a bad idea, BUT I think your mother should also be there. He needs to be taught how to treat you and he needs to see that it's not all about him. You're going to be establishing breastfeeding. It might go super easy, but it may not abd it definitely means you'll have your boobs out all the time. You'll also be bleeding. A lot. You may also have find sitting uncomfortable. This assumes you've had a straightforward birth. It's not to scare you, because honestly, it's not all horrible and like I say, you have baby there! But, you have all this to deal with in your body plus waking regularly with the baby and getting used to it. Plus the flood of emotions that comes.

What you need is an actual adult around who cares about you, who understands what it is to have given birth (even if they didn't themselves, they need the capability of some real empathy and consideration of the new mother).

What your baby needs is a mother who is well supported, physically (including bringing cups of tea and preparing food for her) and emotionally, who can basically rest and eat so she can have the best chance of establishing breastfeeding (if she wants to) for her baby and recovering from the birth.

The father has not shown a single hint that he is able to deal with the realities of babies. This doesn't mean he can't learn. But it does mean that your first weeks of being a new mother (and the birth) aren't there for his trial run to see if he can do it. This is his trial run and he's not cottoning on. He's not the only man like this, and he may turn out to be better later. But do not give away your most vulnerable time to him because he managed to come inside you. Because at the moment, that's all he's actively done.

This 'on his terms' has a really ugly ring to it.

It's going to be a long and difficult road if he can't commit to even the most basic thing without forcing control of things for the sake of controlling them.

I suggest you book a family counseling appointment and try to work these issues through with a professional who won't let him pull this petulant, controlling and childish behaviour. Better still, if you get a good counsellor, they will likely be the one explaining the facts of life to him (ie babies cost money! It's more than paying for every second pack of nappies- it's lost income, housing, petrol, clothes, buggies etc)

If he refuses to do counseling then he'll just look like a dick if you end up in a custody battle.

Rather than claim CMS off the bat, if you can, find out how much you’re entitled to and have this up your sleeve incase he offers you less than that.

I would give him the chance to pay more first - just incase.

He won’t say what he earns.

Hmmm that’s difficult. CMS literally tell you anyway, so it’s a bit short sighted off him to keep it to himself.

Another vote to ask him for half the crib etc. I would also be poised to submit a child support claim as soon as you give birth, if he continues to be avoidant about paying his share

I would not ask him for half the crib money because that is basically agreeing with his terms, this half-cocked idea of going halves on everything.

I'd also suggest waiting to see if you actually need the crib -- I know they sound ideal, I got one on Freecycle when I was pregnant, but DS had other ideas! It's a lot of money for something you might barely use. I'd keep searching the free sites, you still have time.