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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect child maintenance?

345 replies

greysa · 14/02/2021 20:18

Posting here for traffic.

Currently pregnant, not in a relationship with the father nor were we ever in a relationship. We have the benefit of not having split up or holding any sort of bitterness or resentment that that may have caused. We are friends and he is excited about becoming a dad for the first time. His parents are equally excited and have bought lots for the baby already.

Obviously we don’t live together, but he is adamant that he wants to be as involved as he can be. I have a good job but their maternity policy is rubbish so I will only be getting SMP for my mat leave, and I am anticipating struggling financially to begin with. I’ll probably only be able to return to work part time too, and I assume he will continue to work full time so shared 50/50 custody won’t be feasible.

I’m worried that by bringing up the topic of him paying child maintenance, that he’ll be offended and think I’m implying that he won’t do his fair share if that makes sense. I don’t want him or his family to think I’m being grabby, but I also need to try and plan for how I’m going to manage on my own, at least for the first 6-12 months.

AIBU to expect child maintenance payments to begin with on the basis that he won’t have baby overnight etc and I’ll be doing the majority of the care? I was thinking it could then be reviewed based on how often he has her overnight etc, and how much the parenting is really shared. It’s hard to gauge it at the moment before it actually happens as I’m not 100% sure what will happen with my work, and his. Never thought I’d be in this situation so have absolutely no idea what’s normal or reasonable, and he and his family really have been lovely and supportive and I don’t want to rock the boat if it turns out I am being unreasonable!

OP posts:
Inaseagull · 14/02/2021 21:01

Why are you giving the baby his surname?

Original poster
greysa · 14/02/2021 21:03

@Inaseagull I’m not, baby will have my surname.

OP posts:
DoctorHildegardLanstrom · 14/02/2021 21:08

If you have not start a UC claim now, see what you should get when the baby arrives and what you might get now (it might be nothing now) but every little bit helps

DoctorHildegardLanstrom · 14/02/2021 21:09

@DoctorHildegardLanstrom

If you have not start a UC claim now, see what you should get when the baby arrives and what you might get now (it might be nothing now) but every little bit helps
Sorry, I know that has nothing to do with your question, but since everyone else has answered that I thought I would throw something different in
Babyroobs · 14/02/2021 21:10

No doubt your smp will be topped up by UC, most of your childcare will be paid when you go back to work, you'll be eligible for a £500 sure start grant and you'll get maintenance on top. I doubt you'll be struggling.

caringcarer · 14/02/2021 21:11

It is good his parents are also buying things for their grandchild. Make sure they are also involved right from the start, that way if the father finds new partner and is tempted to be around baby less his parents may step in and help with childcare when you want to go back to work. Check out maintenance calculator. I think.baby should get a percentage of his salary after it is born.

MustardMitt · 14/02/2021 21:12

She’s not, she literally says ‘baby will be having my surname’.

@greysa the father of your child needs to be financially supportive - don’t settle for a ‘token’ or he buys all the formula and nappies’. You need something formal set up. If you can agree an amount (I’d take guidance from CSA there) then great - if not, your relationship will sour at some point anyway as clearly he doesn’t feel he should have to support you and his child.

Unless you are planning to live together, platonically or otherwise, I would suggest you’re very clear up front that your baby won’t spend a night away from you until she’s at least one, and until two it is negotiable dependent on the child’s personality and her relationship with her father.

I would set out all your expectations and be clear what you’re willing to compromise on before you have your chat with him. Come back here and run it by those who have been through it before.

Flowers good luck and congratulations!

Rupertbeartrousers · 14/02/2021 21:15

@JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority

You need to sit down and discuss what each of you expect/want to happen wrt work, childcare split and finances. Don’t present it as you asking for maintenance, present it as you both working out the specifics and practicalities of how you will parent this baby.
This
Original poster
greysa · 14/02/2021 21:16

@Babyroobs not sure what you mean about childcare when I go back to work? It looks like it will be mega expensive, hence why I think I’ll only be able to go back part time. Even with UC topping up SMP, I’ll be on considerably less per month than I am now.

@DoctorHildegardLanstrom thank you for that!

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 14/02/2021 21:18

[quote greysa]@Babyroobs not sure what you mean about childcare when I go back to work? It looks like it will be mega expensive, hence why I think I’ll only be able to go back part time. Even with UC topping up SMP, I’ll be on considerably less per month than I am now.

@DoctorHildegardLanstrom thank you for that![/quote]
Uc will pay a childcare element of up to 85% of your childcare costs. This will be reduced by wages but you'll no doubt still get a large portion of it paid for.

Inaseagull · 14/02/2021 21:18

[quote greysa]@Inaseagull I’m not, baby will have my surname.[/quote]
Apologies, that will teach me for having one eye on the TV and not reading properly!

Babyroobs · 14/02/2021 21:19

And CM is not taken into consideration for Uc, you will get significantly topped up by Uc and Cm on top.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 14/02/2021 21:20

Talk to him about it now, the sooner, the better. If you have a rough idea of how much he earns, CMS have an online calculator. I’d also consider seeing a solicitor/mediator together to put together a parenting agreement. There are so many big and little decisions to make as a parent. I’d want to pin him down on some of them now before he gets a new partner.

Original poster
greysa · 14/02/2021 21:20

@MustardMitt thank you. I think I just needed to hear some outsiders perspectives, as I’d gotten myself so worried about seeming grabby considering how lovely his parents have been. But we do need to sit down and have a proper conversation about this, plus arrangements for after she’s here. I’m not sure if he realises that small babies can’t be away from their mum for a while, as he seemed to be a bit taken aback when I first mentioned her having my surname. I think I said something like ‘well, she’ll be with me most of the time anyway’ and he seemed offended that I had implied it wouldn’t be 50/50, but that just won’t be feasible to begin with. I definitely feel like I’m placing the financial burden mostly on myself and need to remind myself that it’s our baby, not my baby, and he needs to be equally responsible. Especially since he wants to be so involved!

OP posts:
Kitewoman · 14/02/2021 21:22

you are entitled for maintenance for the baby but nothing for yourself even though he will be able to continue to work full time and you will have to cut your hours and pay £££ for nursery.

not sure you are aware but it sounds like you think you are entitled to a lot of help but that is really not the case

Original poster
greysa · 14/02/2021 21:23

@Babyroobs thanks - I didn’t know that. My parents are over an hour away and his even further, so paying for childcare is already something I’ve been worrying about.

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 14/02/2021 21:23

I think it's about 15% of his pay for one child, but if he goes on to have other children with someone else then it is likely to reduce. Also when he starts to have the baby overnight, I think it can reduce a little then.

Original poster
greysa · 14/02/2021 21:25

@Kitewoman no, I absolutely don’t feel that I’m entitled to anything for myself. Of course I’d be able to manage if it were only for myself, but obviously the costs of a baby on top of that would lead to me struggling if there was no maintenance.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 14/02/2021 21:26

Paying for it is his fair share. If he objects, point out nicely that he hasn’t said anything about cutting back on work and you will have to be not working for a while, and suggest he go part time when you go back so you can work those days without paying childcare. He might suddenly prefer to pay child maintenance!
And if he doesn’t, you realise he’s full of shit about being supportive and only meant as long as it doesnt inconvenience him, and go through cms.

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 14/02/2021 21:29

I think its reasonable to expect some financial contribution in the first year. In conventional families the father would support the mother when she wasnt working. It's for the babies benefit not yours as the baby needs 1 to 1 care and to bond with their primary caregiver before they are old enough to start nursery. The other alternatives are you go back very early from maternity leave or he shares paternity leave with you.
For most very young babies, 50 50 doesn't work as they need one primary caregiver that they feel really close to, but then with an involved second caregiver, they can build up the relationship so that they can work gradually up towards 50 50 (contact little and often building up gradually to longer periods and eventually to overnight and then weekends etc) but I think this takes a long time e.g. 1- 2 years old depending on the relationship.

As the baby will be with you most of the first year I think its reasonable to ask for some financial support. If he is shit about this then I dont think he has his childs best interests at heart

Starlightstarbright1 · 14/02/2021 21:36

It sounds like you plan to co parent.. how well that works you won't know till baby arrives..

However sit down.. talk about how you both see things going forward. I wouldn't plan to far ahead but actually finances is part ofbthat. The calculator tells you legal minimum he needs to pay.

Talk about visiting first few weeks.

In reality all this could change, depending on birth. Set days, call before he pops round. Will he take paternity leave.

Do you want him at the birth ( entirely your choice) ,

To co parent well it takes two to work at it. It can work really well but only if both work at it.

Wishitsnows · 14/02/2021 21:39

Quite unbelievable that 10% think a father shouldn't pay a penny towards their child. Very odd.

user1493413286 · 14/02/2021 21:45

I don’t think it’s grabby; I’d start off with a bit of an open question alone the lines of “What as your thinking about the financial situation with me on maternity leave to look after the baby and you still working full time”. If he doesn’t have an answer suggest he thinks about it and comes back to you

B1rthis · 14/02/2021 21:57

I can't answer your question but would suggest you have a good post natal plan written down and agreed by both.
Imagine running the longest marathon of your life or partying all weekend without sleep and then being fully responsible for a small human who is learning to feed etc. It is highly unlikely you're going to be on top of the washing or playing hostess.
You're going to be in pain and booking appointments for checks etc. These day to day practicallities could all be planned now.
I would suggest that he moves in with you for the first fortnight. He can do cooking and you can do feeding and both of you can spend all that time tag-team with the baby.
For the first year, where the baby goes, you go. So any over night stays mean you go too.
Congratulations mum to be!!

VinylDetective · 14/02/2021 22:01

@JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority

Oh, and yes, if/when he gets a new partner, you might find he suddenly decides he’s paying you too much.
You read my mind, I just thought exactly the same. And I bet the interest in co-parenting drops dramatically too.