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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect child maintenance?

345 replies

greysa · 14/02/2021 20:18

Posting here for traffic.

Currently pregnant, not in a relationship with the father nor were we ever in a relationship. We have the benefit of not having split up or holding any sort of bitterness or resentment that that may have caused. We are friends and he is excited about becoming a dad for the first time. His parents are equally excited and have bought lots for the baby already.

Obviously we don’t live together, but he is adamant that he wants to be as involved as he can be. I have a good job but their maternity policy is rubbish so I will only be getting SMP for my mat leave, and I am anticipating struggling financially to begin with. I’ll probably only be able to return to work part time too, and I assume he will continue to work full time so shared 50/50 custody won’t be feasible.

I’m worried that by bringing up the topic of him paying child maintenance, that he’ll be offended and think I’m implying that he won’t do his fair share if that makes sense. I don’t want him or his family to think I’m being grabby, but I also need to try and plan for how I’m going to manage on my own, at least for the first 6-12 months.

AIBU to expect child maintenance payments to begin with on the basis that he won’t have baby overnight etc and I’ll be doing the majority of the care? I was thinking it could then be reviewed based on how often he has her overnight etc, and how much the parenting is really shared. It’s hard to gauge it at the moment before it actually happens as I’m not 100% sure what will happen with my work, and his. Never thought I’d be in this situation so have absolutely no idea what’s normal or reasonable, and he and his family really have been lovely and supportive and I don’t want to rock the boat if it turns out I am being unreasonable!

OP posts:
GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 17/02/2021 20:40

I really don’t think he’s a bad guy at all.

Probably not, but he's thoughtless and an idiot and making you stressed and deal with things alone while he prats about at his leisure, so it's much of a muchness.

I’m not worried that he’s going to be a deadbeat

What is he now?

Don't have him at the birth. It's not a spectator sport, it's not an experience for a man. It's an unpredictable process; I don't want to alarm you but there's a fair chance you'll defecate as you push, and of course there's pain and it can be frightening. Stress can hinder the process. Have someone who makes you feel safe and supported, whose presence helps you. Do not fall for any of this shit about him having any kind of right to be there. He has not.

DeadGood · 17/02/2021 20:41

Oh man, I would be livid.

You need to disconnect I think. Are his parents reasonable people? Could you talk to them about why you are regretfully having to change the plan?

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 17/02/2021 20:42

@DinoHat

My DH didn’t take paternity - he had a weeks holiday. He still supports us financially and looks after his child!
Did he act like this idiot during your pregnancy?
DinoHat · 17/02/2021 20:44

I don’t think the man in the OP sounds like an idiot, maybe naive. But not an idiot. Just in too deep and hasn’t realised it yet!

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 17/02/2021 20:46

@DinoHat

I don’t think the man in the OP sounds like an idiot, maybe naive. But not an idiot. Just in too deep and hasn’t realised it yet!
The amount he has not realised yet, given the situation and OP's interaction, makes him a prize idiot.
AIMD · 17/02/2021 20:46

@DinoHat

My DH didn’t take paternity - he had a weeks holiday. He still supports us financially and looks after his child!
Calm down. Your situation is obviously be try different to the ops.

Op didn’t say he was planning on taking annual leave instead, just said he wasn’t taking paternity. My inference was that he wasn’t taking time offs. I assumed she’d have said “but he’s taking a week annual leave” if that’s what he had said.

So far op has no idea how much, if anything, he will contribute financially. As they live separately and are not in a relationship op currently covers all her household bills without him. So there’s no precedent for him contributing to the household bills as there would be in a relationship where a couple was living together before having the baby.

So far op has no idea when or if he will help with care/practical support for the the baby when it is born. They don’t live together so unless he arranges times when he will be around to care/support her and the baby the op had to plan for not having that support. Unlike if parents lived together then you could assume that person would be about outside of work to support/care.

All in all completely different to having a baby with a husband who lives with you and already contributes to the bills.

VinylDetective · 17/02/2021 20:51

OP said He replied saying they do but he isn’t taking paternity leave, just holidays.

Original poster
greysa · 17/02/2021 20:55

@DeadGood oh I am livid. I haven’t met his parents but they reached out to me as soon as they found out about the pregnancy (which was about 3 months later than he said he would tell them!). They seem lovely, but I’m a stranger to them and he’s their son. I don’t want to get them involved, but they seem like the type of people that will give him a kick up the arse if they do hear about any of this. I just would rather they hear about it from him.

OP posts:
Original poster
greysa · 17/02/2021 20:56

@AIMD he is taking annual leave instead of paternity leave. I’m not sure how much though. Last time we’d spoken about it he said he would be taking the 2 weeks paternity then 2 weeks leave, but he’s obviously now realised the financial implication of paternity and decided to just take the 2 weeks annual leave I guess. And yet he still doesn’t seem to get why I’m trying to plan ahead finance wise! Hmm

OP posts:
DinoHat · 17/02/2021 20:58

I’m not irate.

He did say he was taking holidays.

DinoHat · 17/02/2021 20:59

I don’t think using AL over paternity is really a problem.

JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority · 17/02/2021 21:02

OP have you actually spoken to his parents? Have the already purchased the nursery set? Have they told you themselves that they are buying it and it will be for your house? Or has he told you they’ve offered to buy it?

Original poster
greysa · 17/02/2021 21:04

@DinoHat it’s not a problem. I only mentioned it because he said that the difference in pay was too much to justify taking paternity leave. This is the same difference in pay that i am facing for my maternity leave, so it helped to explain my point about why I wanted to have the discussion about finances.

OP posts:
Original poster
greysa · 17/02/2021 21:05

@JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority yes, I’ve spoken to his parents. I probably have more contact with them than I do with him recently. They are always asking how I am, I can’t remember the last time he asked how I was doing. They’ve already purchased the furniture and it’s at my house.

OP posts:
JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority · 17/02/2021 21:07

Oh that’s good. I started getting a worrying feeling when you said you hadn’t met them.

DeadGood · 17/02/2021 21:12

[quote greysa]@DeadGood oh I am livid. I haven’t met his parents but they reached out to me as soon as they found out about the pregnancy (which was about 3 months later than he said he would tell them!). They seem lovely, but I’m a stranger to them and he’s their son. I don’t want to get them involved, but they seem like the type of people that will give him a kick up the arse if they do hear about any of this. I just would rather they hear about it from him.[/quote]
Just thinking aloud here - maybe it would be a good idea to “meet” them on a Zoom cal or something. Possible? They seem like they could be good allies. I’m not sure if you are too far along the negotiations now to throw in a random “let’s have a getting-to-know-you chat!” without arousing suspicion. But my feeling is that you will need them in some capacity or other in the future.

DeadGood · 17/02/2021 21:13

In fact you don’t need to involve their son at all... I would get the parents on side. They seem decent. And you will be in their lives in some capacity or other from now on.

Original poster
greysa · 17/02/2021 21:19

@DeadGood my mum had actually suggested that! My parents are now friendly with them on Facebook too, it’s all going pretty well. I think they’re hoping we’ll all be able to meet before the baby is due, but that’s looking unlikely so maybe a video call would be a good idea. His parents do seem really lovely and decent, just a shame about their son. Grin

OP posts:
JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority · 17/02/2021 21:20

I think a zoom meet is a good idea. Definitely before the baby is born.

Boredsobored · 17/02/2021 21:20

Paternity leave is less than maternity leave I think, or it was when mine were born. I think some of this might depend on him being named as father on the birth certificate - which I think is the right thing to do but legally you can register the baby alone without the father's name and then there aren't expected custody rights but in return aren't rights around payments I think. It makes sense to have some sort of conversation about money even if x amount is needed for nappies per week and x for milk then split that down the middle.

It's lovely that the father and family want to be there - please let them, I'm sure not always easier for you but having extended family is a real gift to your child.

Good luck!

dreamingbohemian · 17/02/2021 21:24

I agree you shouldn't commit to him living with you the first few weeks. You have no idea how you'll be feeling or whether he will even be helpful in any practical way. I'd agree to frequent contact and see how it goes.

CraftyYankee · 17/02/2021 21:24

I believe CMS is not tied to being on the birth certificate. But I'm sure someone will correct me if I'm wrong.

DeadGood · 17/02/2021 21:24

Yes!! Take some power back.

I know you don’t want to get them involved in this particular issue, but even with that aside I think it’s a nice idea. I’d make the video meet a casual one - just mention it one morning and the call can be that evening, say - so it doesn’t get built up into this big thing. Keep them updated on your appointments or whatever and just generally strengthen your bond with them so that you don’t feel like just a stranger to them.

Beforethetakingoftoastandtea · 17/02/2021 21:27

Good luck with him. He sounds hard work.

DeadGood · 17/02/2021 21:27

“It makes sense to have some sort of conversation about money even if x amount is needed for nappies per week and x for milk then split that down the middle.”

It’s not the things you have to buy for babies that make them expensive. It is the loss of earnings. That is what this man is failing to grasp.

He thinks that because his parents are providing nursery furniture, and because he is willing to buy some babygros and throw in a pack of Pampers atop his weekly shop, that he is being equitable. He isn’t. Not until he addresses the OP’s loss of earnings.